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Homegirl 50 · Sep 11, 2007, 12:02 PM

No. Don't ever pretend you don't care about something that is important. It is perfectly logical to want to know why this guy is not having sex with you. Tell him he needs to be honest with you.
BTW a guy can live with his parents and still find a place to cheat. He is not being honest with you, and you need to decide if you are going to believe him and live with it or not. But there is nothing wrong with you.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

No. Don't ever pretend you don't care about something that is important. It is perfectly logical to want to know why this guy is not having sex with you. Tell him he needs to be honest with you.
BTW a guy can live with his parents and still find a place to cheat. He is not being honest with you, and you need to decide if you are going to believe him and live with it or not. But there is nothing wrong with you.

I have asked and I have told him to be honest and he tells me he loves me know else, and why would he come to me and stay over not to have sex if it didn't mean anything to him?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 11, 2007, 12:20 PM

He does not want to lose you. His parents like you and they will know what he's doing. Guys do this all of the time. They will cheat on a girl and not want to give her up.
But this is something you must decide if it is important enough to you. I'd just hate to see yourself esteem be damaged because he does not have the guts to be honest. That is not nornmal for a 23 year old young man and for him to pretend it's no big deal is a sign something is up.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He does not want to lose you. His parents like you and they will know what he's doing. Guys do this all of the time. They will cheat on a girl and not want to give her up.
But this is something you must decide if it is important enough to you. I'd just hate to see your self esteem be damaged because he does not have the guts to be honest. That is not nornmal for a 23 year old young man and for him to pretend it's no big deal is a sign something is up.

I really don't beleave he is cheatting, but I think becoz I am his 1st maybe he feels he has missed something! And maybe he wishes he didn't mate me so young but doesn't want to so say so. Becoz he knows his not my 1st

Chery · Sep 11, 2007, 12:28 PM

I would encourage him to see a doctor and get a checkup.

If he has nothing to hide and loves you like he claims, tell him to see a physician - go with him to ensure that he does go.

It could be due to the pot, it could be he is taking medications of some type that inhibit the libido, or he might have 'caught' something else.. Who knows. But if he does love you he will do what is necessary to reassure you.

Either way, wouldn't you want to know the reason? If he is lying on all fronts, then this will help you determine what YOU will do with your future.

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted.

It's better to know than to be in constant self-doubt.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 12:37 PM

Originally Posted by Chery

I would encourage him to see a doctor and get a checkup.

If he has nothing to hide and loves you like he claims, tell him to see a physician - go with him to ensure that he does go.

It could be due to the pot, it could be he is taking medications of some type that inhibit the libido, or he might have 'caught' something else.. Who knows. But if he does love you he will do what is necessary to reassure you.

Either way, wouldn't you want to know the reason? If he is lying on all fronts, then this will help you determine what YOU will do with your future.

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted.

It's better to know than to be in constant self-doubt.

Thanks I will say to him again about the doctor and try something new I will keep yous up to date as I need to get it off my chest, lol he says me saying about it puts him off, I should say nothing this weekend and dress up??

Sdjosh · Sep 11, 2007, 01:46 PM

Ok... being a guy myself when I was his age, there were times that I didn't feel like having sex either. Some people react differently to stress in there life. I was this way... a job... dealing with family... school at the same time... can be stressful and when you have free time, you just want to relax without having someone place demands on you.

Im not saying this is the case you in your situation but don't jump to conclusions. Don't accuse anyone of cheating without proof.

Pot is definitely a big part of the problem I would think.

I just think we need a little more information on his situation. What is he doing with as far as job and school. What is his living situation and does he get along with his parents? What type of friends does he have? What is his personality like (is he easily stressed out or depressed.) How long has he been doing drugs? Does he have ambition or goals in life?

Im thinking this is more of a problem for him. He is in a rut and may not feel like he is going somewhere with his life. Just a thought... need more info before I can say anything else.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:07 PM

[QUOTE=Sdjosh]
I just think we need a little more information on his situation. What is he doing with as far as job and school. What is his living situation and does he get along with his parents? What type of friends does he have? What is his personality like (is he easily stressed out or depressed.) How long has he been doing drugs? Does he have ambition or goals in life?

Im thinking this is more of a problem for him. He is in a rut and may not feel like he is going somewhere with his life. Just a thought... need more info before I can say anything else.[/QUOTe

It has been going on for a few months now, but what's happeing in his life well he past his driving 6mths ago and I get to see him in the week now, he gets on great with his parents, he has just started working on his own which he says he loves, we have only seen each other for weekends and holidays for the past 5years well until he started driving, if he's working near he will stay with me as I live on my own. I am his 1st real girlfriend! His friend are great I get on with them and he gets on with mine, we go to my friends most weekends where he and her smoke pot which I don't mind.

He loves going out and partying which I don't have the money for and I don't want him paying! Being stoned will only take over the fact of that night but what about the next morning, he said he's a morning guy!

Sdjosh · Sep 11, 2007, 02:18 PM

Hmmm... well.

Try spicing it up a little. Maybe taking charge and initiating it. He may just be in a rut and need a change to get him excited about sex.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by Sdjosh

hmmm....well.

Try spicing it up a little. Maybe taking charge and initiating it. He may just be in a rut and need a change to get him excited about sex.

I always did in the past dress up and all, I even remember leaving the front door opened while I was w8ing upstairs but all he is thinking about now is his food when he comes up.

Do I try it again? I'm not sure if I would cope if he says no to me!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:29 PM

If there is a problem in any relationship, you don't ignore it or pretend it's not bothering you. It festers and just keeps getting bigger. This is not something you can just ignore. If you were suddenly not having sex with him, he would be wondering why and would probably tell you to get whatever it is fixed.
Maybe he is partying too much, but if that is affecting your relationship he needs to put a check on it, and he would if he cares enough.
You guys need to talk. And if he doesn't want to talk, you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a guy that you only see on the weekends and he can't or won't have sex with you.
You guys have been together a long time and you are both really young. It could be this relationship has run it's course, you guys have grown up and grown out of each other and he does not know how to call it quits.

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You guys have been together a long time and you are both really young. It could be this relationship has run it's course, you guys have grown up and grown out of each other and he does not know how to call it quits.

But maybe he is telling me the turth and he does love me as much as he says he does, and it is me, maybe I need to change, losing up abit, leave him alone and back off to see if he really notices, I scared to say to him again bcoz he thinks I'm just going on at him and I like picking fights

I just don't want to keep pushing him, I'm scared he'll just decide he cn't take me going on at him and leave me for good.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:57 PM

So what he's saying is he loves you but he does not feel like having sex, so don't bug him about it. Does that make sense to you?
So you will just feel bad about yourself and do without so he does not get mad. Does that sound right to you?
You do what you want. But I'm telling you if one person in a relationship is unhappy about something, and the other person does not want to talk about it, you are going to have problems.
You do like my grandmother used to say "Pee, or get off the pot. Then see how long you can go without peeing" Not very long. You got a problem, deal with it.
I think because you have been together for so long, you're afraid of being without him. But when you think about it, you're already without him.
Why don't you two take a break form each other and see how things go?

furball987 · Sep 11, 2007, 03:03 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why don't you two take a break form each other and see how things go?

I will talk to him and think about this, thanks and good night for now

talaniman · Sep 11, 2007, 05:53 PM

Back off a bit and pay attention, he may just be in a down cycle, and you may be pushy, I don't know, but only by working together, and talking and listening can you get to the solution of this problem. Be patient and just pay attention and see what happens with no pressure from you.

sarah1989 · Sep 11, 2007, 07:02 PM

I have said this to someone once before but do you think he maybe getting it else where?

Chery · Sep 12, 2007, 04:50 AM

Originally Posted by furball987

his friend are great I get on with them and he gets on with mine, we go to my friends most weekends where he and her smoke pot which i don't mind.

He loves going out and partying which i don't have the money for and i don't want him paying! being stoned will only take over the fact of that nite but what about the next morning, he said he's a morning guy!!

What about the morning? Are you then still at your 'friend's' place??

It sounds to me like he enjoys having a place to stay nearby so that he does not have to drive so far. Plus.. your place is cheaper than a flat of his own when he wants to get away from his parents. The parties are also free.. so why should he want to give all that up?

Honey, stop being the free hotel with all the fixings and party service babysitter!!

Demand he give a very, very valid explanation for the loss of his libido or tell him to seek another 'safe house'.

I am 56 years old and have never heard so so many 'red flag' warnings in one relationship at one time - where the guy refuses to face up to his actions. He's downright comfortable where he is and will continue to USE you as long as you let him.

Time to wake up, dear...

I get angry when I see another warm hearted woman get used...

Chery · Sep 12, 2007, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by furball987

i just don't want to keep pushing him, i'm scared he'll just decide he cn't take me going on at him and leave me for good.

OK, let's imagine that you two stayed together and it's two years later...
You are still the comfortable gal and he's still not 'getting it up'. He's still smoking pot with your friend and others. He comes home later - at least a few nights a week - and you endure this.

While he is his usual self, you still doubt your attractiveness and take a few drinks during the days so that it won't bother you so much. Or you might even took on a few joints yourself and become lethargic or find a friend of your own to spend some 'cool' time with. Now.. you really feel like your are a crappy person because you lost control and 'cheated' on him for a little physical pleasure. You go on some super guilt trip and start punishing yourself in other ways...

DO YOU SEE THIS PICTURE??

So what if he threatens to leave you. He's already leaving you in way that you don't see right now, but your fear is making you blame it all on yourself.

We all fear rejection, and we all get rejected, but we live through it, and learn from it. This is a part of our emotional growth and there is absolutely no escape. ESCAPE - there is none. But we can control the circumstances of these rejections in that we choose to keep some self-respect and dignity during these painful chapters in our lives.

So here is that fork in the road.. do you see it? Which path are you going to choose for YOURSELF? Keep your sanity, dignity, self-respect and know where you stand. Or.. let yourself be blindly lead on the path to self-destruction for his benefit?

Start caring for yourself and get some answers - good or bad, it can't be worse than what you are going through right now.

Who do YOU want to be??

talaniman · Sep 12, 2007, 03:36 PM

Had to spread it Chery, but it's a fact, withholding sex is a way to run out the back door.

furball987 · Sep 15, 2007, 09:03 AM

I hear yous loud and clear, but I know he's not using me for just somewhere to stay at the weekends, as its my friend we go to see and we go home to my house afterwards.

Well he will be here soon and I will get to see him all week, can't wait! As he is working near. It's not a free house for him, he pays some of my bills and pays for my shopping and always offers/takes me out.

He was up afew days ago, we might not of had sex but abit of 4play umm, just as good sometimes, keeps me smiling for a while lol

I really will work at this as I truly love him and I do beleave he loves me too, maybe it's just new things we need to do together. I really don't beleave he is seeing someone else, but he might be fed up, I don't no, but I will be holding on as I think maybe he might have a medical pro and can't face up to it himself.

But time will tell, but Im not giving up that's for sure x