[mckenzie134]

Im going to a party where my ex will be at next Saturday week and well I wasn't going toi go but why notr go have a good time hell she might see what a great time I'm having and want me back... probably not but ioll go its my friends birthday why should I not be there...

I didn't thinkyou should go but you should go talk to oithers meet some other people have a good time what ever you do don't stay there don't let her con you show her yourve got other things to do...

[samesame]

Mckenzie, you are right and you shouldn't hide. But at the same time make sure you're strong enough to see her so you don't fall back down. And you need to keep self control so you don't do or say anything you might regret after (in other words easy on the alcohol). Like what if she's there with another guy? Just be careful, and hope for the best, but prepare yourself mentally for the worst.

Cheers,
Samesame

[Sandstorm99]

Boy oh boy. Prepare yourself for the worst. If she shows up with some guy that will set you back pretty hard.

Samesame, Mckenzie. Look at all our stories. We were dumped, tried hard to get back with the ex for months, began no contact after 2 months or so. And no results. I was all about the strategy but we all have used the same strategy.

[talaniman]

The only strategy that counts is the one that allows you to heal, and think and act in your own behalf in a healthy way. The sooner you get the clouds of emotion out of your head, you can see things in a realistic way, and make solid, healthy decisions as to how to deal with what your going through. I think right now you are your own worst enemy and your shooting yourself in the foot, AGAIN. Sorry guy, it just if your going head long into a brick wall, at least wear a helmet. Reread McKenzie's post, and see how long it took him to put his helmet on. I mean no disrespect, to either of you.

[Sandstorm99]

I agree talaniman. I was all about strategy in winning her heart back. There is no strategy when it comes to getting a loved one to come back. But what I do see is that being their friend is tough/prolonging and doesn't help them make a decision. However no contact helps to clear your mind and maybe, just maybe will make them miss you.

[SAB123]

Mckenzie, You and I both came to this site about same time, I'm about a month healtheir then you. But I still don't ever want to see my ex with new guy. I know I'm not that good too see her with someone. So I would not go my friend.

[Sandstorm99]

So I went to the 2nd grad party. Boy did I feel strange. Ex met me outside and we went in and met everyone. It is hard to hug and converse with all the relatives when you think you may never see them again. They are all about hugs and I must have given probably 40 hugs when I got there. She hung out with me for quite some time but I started to realize that there wasn't much to talk about with her because she never asks about my life etc. Sometimes I felt as if she was disappearing every time we sat somewhere together. She kept switching locations she was sitting and even at one point asked me to pull a chair up with her. I can't describe how strange it was. She was looking as beautiful as ever. We ate together and talked a little bit. After a while one of her very good girlfriends showed up and she hung out with her for a while. I guess this is what you get when you come as "the friend". Maybe I was just overeacting but it started to feel as if it was time to leave. I didn't want to keep following her around like a lost kitten.

I talked with her stepdad for a while, I didn't bring up anything about me and her. He said he noticed how when the girlfriend showed up she kind of disappeared to the kitchen for a while. I tried not to voice my opinion with him. He did say she is making a big mistake and one day she will realize what she has lost. He told me to never bail her out when she needs help. He said she is burning many bridges and just let her fall on her face. It is an odd feeling having all her family on my side. She doesn't really owe me much so I can't blame her for visiting with everyone else, including her best girlfriend. At one point while talking to her stepdad I felt the tears start to form and come to my eyes. I quickly stopped myself from allowing the tears to form. This is when I decided it was time to get the heck out of there. I told him I had to get going and started to say goodbye to everyone. I told the ex I was taking off and she actually gave me a frown suggestion. She asked if I was going to eat some of her cake. I said I had enough dessert. What I was really looking for was for her to ask me to stay. But she didn't ask and I didn't want to over welcome my stay. I was the ex and it was a very strange feeling. The whole party lasted for about 7 hours and I only stayed for 3.

While saying goodbye her mother, brothers, stepdad etc asked why I never come vistit them or call anymore. Her brother even asked for my cell number and I told him my ex had it. In the back of my mind I was thinking "sorry i'm the ex, I can't hang out with you all anymore and I may never see you again". My ex made me an extra plate of food to take home and a bag of fruit. She gave me a hug goodbye and I told her to take care of herself. She said she would call me later. She said to be careful driving home. That was the first time I heard the "be careful driving" in a long time. Why be careful? I didn't have anything to drink besides water and pop.

So I drove home wiping tears from my eyes. I probably shouldn't have gone to this 2nd grad party. Moral of ths story "you can't be friends with someone you still love deeply"

She texted me later that night. Yes, a freakin text message. No phone call, just a text. It said "Thanks for coming, I hope you had fun". I let the text go for now. I didn't respond and I'm not even sure what I should respond with. I'm done calling her, I finally feel that I have tried everything I could besides asking her to give me one last chance. Not real sure If I should even text her back.

[samesame]

I think this is the perfect set of circumstances to make your exit. Leave it on a high note. Walk away and do absolutely NO CONTACT. It doesn't get a better time than this. You know it's not your place anymore. Keep your dignity and be strong.

[talaniman]

Not sure if you should text her back?? My friend its time to move on, and not hold on to a maybe anymore. If she cares that much, she will understand and if she really cares, she will find you. For now make your healing a priority.

[Sandstorm99]

Yes talaniman. I am my own worst enemy. You are very correct again. I texted her back 24 hours later and said "Yeah I had fun, Thanks for the the 2go food". She text back "no prob."

I can officially say I'm done calling her and will not initiate any texts. Not really sure what to do when and if she calls me. I did 3 weeks of solid contact, initiated by me up until these grad parties. And now I'm completely cutting contact. I'm taking talanimans advice and going to heal.

One question though for talaniman. You have been on here for quite some time offering loads of great advice. You are definitely about moving on/healing but do you ever think of strategies to win back someone that left you because they aren't sure how they feel? Or is it always best to cut contact and move ahead?

You are absolutely correct though. They will find you if their feelings are strong enough.

[talaniman]

You are definitely about moving on/healing

Sand, I absolutely think we make better decisions and take better action with a clear sober mind that is not clouded with emotions and fantasy. That's it in a nutshell, and if you read these threads, on this forum, you will find how blinded you become during, and after a relationship goes sour.

But do you ever think of strategies to win back someone that left you because they aren't sure how they feel?

I have probably tried every trick in the book, and have come to accept if they(partner) are confused, no on can read their mind or feelings, and we waste a lot of time trying. Get over your own confusion, and as you know who you are, you figure out what you want and how best to get it. Knowing yourself is a key to life and health, and being happy with yourself. Do you really think I would be married to Mrs Perfect, if I was still stumbling over past memories?? You never know what tomorrow brings, so get, and try to keep your own act together.

Or is it always best to cut contact

For your own health and happiness.

Move ahead?

Get over your bruised ego and hurt feelings, the sooner the better, because you have to be ready for what life brings and deal with it, from a position of health and being happy with yourself.

They will find you if their feelings are strong enough.

Them, or someone else??

[mckenzie134]

As you have been advised many times in the past let this one go mate... The sooner you let it go the sooner you will get your response and the ansewr you are looking for...

I know you want to get her back but NO CHANCE AT THE MOMERNT nad with what you are doing NO HOPE Let her be let her go let her know what she is missing... No more parties NOPTHING

[Sandstorm99]

Ok. So about 4 days have gone by since the last text message episode. I have not initiated any contact to her. I used to contact her almost everyday for 3 weeks up until these parties. And I quite doing all that after the 2nd party. I'm sure she is wondering why I don't call her anymore. So yesterday I get a text out of the blue "did you get your car?"

I had told her at one of the grad parties about a car I was getting. So now she is asking. I let the text go for about 8 hours. I replied with a simple vague "nope. long story" She replied asking a few other things and I kind of quit texting her back after her last reply. I am feeling much better than 2 months ago but part of me won't give up. Yes like most of us. I want her back but not sure If I should completely disappear. The tables have kind of turned because now out of nowhere I don't call her anymore like I did for the past month. She is the one initiating any conversation, but in the form of a text.

Yes another simple text message. Does anyone think she is too shy like in the beginning of our relationship when we only talked on AOL? We used to chat for hours on the internet and I would call her sometimes. She was shy or something and didn't call me much. But after a while we called each other equally and got away from the internet chat. Yes, kind of a stupid question. Why would she be shy and not call me instead of text messages after we spent years together.

[talaniman]

Why would she be shy and not call me instead of text messages after we spent years together.

Your making an assumption about her shyness. Texting is really the easiest way to contact someone. Back off and be unavailable.

[samesame]

Yeah, I think Tal is right. And I think after 3 weeks, she got used to the attention of you contacting her and she's looking for it again. I don't know what the right thing to do here is, but if I was in your situation I would reciprocate, but just the way you are... vague simple (but polite) answers. But do not initiate contact yourself.

[Sandstorm99]

Yeah. Before when she would text me I would get all excited and call her. But she only sent a few texts in the past. I was the one who was always chasing her.

I know contacting her first is out of the question. But I'm starting to wonder what would happen if I completely ignore these texts. I guess I'm worried that if I ignore a text she will become stubborn again.

[talaniman]

And I think after 3 weeks, she got used to the attention of you contacting her and she's looking for it again.

I am leaning that way myself, she still wants to keep contact. I think the real issue is her motives and agenda. Either way Sandstorm, I think you would see things clearer, if you weren't so freshly hurt from the break up. Healing has to be a priority. Until that has been achieved, don't contact her, so work very hard on yourself.

[Sandstorm99]

talaniman agrees: I think she is used to the attention, but is he ready for friendzone??


Friendzone. That sounds like a scary place I don't want to go.

[mckenzie134]

Sand STOP answering these messages. CUT ALL CONTACT!!

IF she really wants you she willlet you know. She's feeding you biscuits at the moment and you munching themlike her puppy!! You are afraid if you don't reply she will become stuborn.. there you go worrying againwhat might happen instead of growing some balls and takimng control and saying hay I Won't REPLY I WILL DO WHAT I HAVE BEEN TOLD over and over and over again and I will totally disappear and if she does want me she will contact me! This stuborn crap is absolute rubbish if she I interested in you NOTHING will stop her friom trying to get you back! DO NOT ANSWER ANY TEXTS How many times do you have to listen to this... How long is this going to go o for!! Ill goive you the answer TILL SHE FINDS A NEW GUY AND THEN STOPS MESSAGING YOU MATE!!
So why keep answering and let her have you till then.. HOW STUOID OF YOU< Don't LET HER HAVE YOU AND DRAG YOU ALONG< TAKE A CHANCE Don't REPLY AT ALL! WAIT TILL SHE WRITES I WANT YOU BACK AND TILL THEN ITS OVER!!

[Sandstorm99]

Yes she is throwing me bisquits. I'm not eating them right away but ,I'm letting them sit on the floor for half a day or more and then eating them. I will continue to listen to you all. I'll stop eating those bisquits.

Does backing off and being unavailable involve ignoring these text messages completely?

Mckenzie. You originally advised me to be vague and answer the texts late with short answers. I haven't contacted her one bit and she is texting me. I have let her texts go for half a day or more before I respond.