[stilllearning]

Thanks for your reply tal, I need to hear this stuff.

She CALLED today and I answered (reluctantly) she just wanted to tell me she had a flat this morning and her uncle helped her change out the spare and that she would call me tomorrow. This results in my heart pounding and me crying it almost starts it completely over.

The business is over for at least for the next few weeks. Im scared to tell her to stop calling, I'm afraid she may retaliate with (we are over) or some other kind of crap. I also am very anxious right now and my mind is thinking things that might not happen so I'm trying to keep that in mind and talk to her as much as I can. Giving her space but being there... easier said than done when you have abandonment issues like I do lol!

I know if someone acts like that I'm better off but I'm having a very tough time getting to work and I'm barely making it though the day. Im seeing my counselor and I'm making a doctors appointment to see about getting on some paxil or some light dosage anti depressant. Ive been reluctant up until now, I don't want to lose what I have so I'm getting on them for now.

[stilllearning]

Update: Saturday I tell her we need to stop contact. Im very slowly getting better, eating the same and sleeping the same but the days are a bit more bearable. She protested at first but still wants to drop money at my moms even after I told her I didn't need her money. (she cares)... yeah, she wants control.

I still don't know what's going to happen but I do know no more contact from me. This is still so hard. But I've been thinking of how things will be if we get back together and she doesn't get any counseling. As much as it hurts I can't deal with it.

She abused me, but she did it in a way that made me the bad guy. She would create these problems out of thin air and when I would dismiss them she would pout and walk away. She would also non stop tell me what to do and remind me things I needed to do (like not to forget my shoes and car keys when we would go out). Sounds harmless enough but after 12 years it becomes a major issue. This brought me down so bad I had very low self esteem. I also had to hold back my smarts, I like to debate politics/religion on message boards and listen to talk radio she gives the what the hell is wrong with you look it embarrassed me so I would just turn the computer off when she would come into the room.

I couldn't talk to her without stuttering or do anything without me wondering what she would think, I was constantly looking over my back. We would be talking about something and she would out of the blue change the subject, it made me think I was crazy, she was control freak in her own way, my mother told me this but I didn't see it until now. She has killed what used to be my awsome common sense with her crap.

I can't wait to get over her so I can have my life back. I can't wait.

I have my problems but she should have stuck it out. Because when I'm finished I'm going to be one tall decent looking smart sensitive take care of business man with all of the common sense and awareness that I prided myself on back.

I thank her (and I actually have)

[talaniman]

Saturday I tell her we need to stop contact. Im very slowly getting better,

You are already seeing things for what they are and that's good. Why stop now? Keep on your path, it gets better.