[trishan]

Before my hubby and I married, he had a relationship with this woman with a three month old boy named Cole. In essence, he helped to raise Cole until they split, and then still took him for visitation and such. Cole is now six. The mom died of cancer two years ago. Cole now lives with his bio dad, but I care for him five days a week while his dad is at work. Everyone feels badly because Cole lost his mom, and so he gets just about everything he wants from people... and gets away with just about everything he wants to as well. I have three kids, and this is now our home. Cole is constantly telling my kids that this is NOT their house, but yet it's his and my husbands. He's constantly hurtful. If we go on outings together, Cole will say that he wished we didn't come, he only wants to be with my husband. He refuses to listen to us when my husband is home, won't listen to his dad either when my husband is home. My husband has no kids of his own, other than mine through marriage, so he does consider Cole very special and is blinded to the behaviors that Cole displays when we're all together. I've tried to talk to hubby about this, and he turns a deaf ear. I'm thinking that I can't watch Cole anymore, because I won't be controlled by a six year old who has my hubby wrapped around his little finger, and hubby allows this type of behavior to continue. I've tried to talk to Cole about his behavior, but still it goes on. My son is a year older than Cole, so they do things together, but Cole will be mean. He'll say stuff like "my dad is gonna get me treats, all you get is water". Cole just doesn't want us here. Yet "here" is our home, and I've just about had it with this child. What would you do? How would you handle this situation with the child AND your husband? Because I truly believe that they are both behaving badly to be honest. Or, is it me?? Help!

[tickle]

There is nothing worse then a child taking advantage. I would say give your partner an ultimatum to get his son straightened out or you leave. There is no reason in the world why you should have to take that kind of abuse from a young child. I doubt even if you can reason with him.

[LearningAsIGo]

Wait, he's not your husband's son? Is your husband hoping to adopt him or stay in his life forever? If not, it sounds like the situation is probably confusing and overwhelming for such a small guy!

This is the perfect storm that will allow the child to rule the house if your husband lets him... I'm an adult and I'm confused! Its sad to know he lost his mom, so its understandable how he started misbehaving and how your husband holds guilt which enables Cole to act up.

Your husband has to step up and start controlling the situation. (Believe me, I "ran the house" when I was young and I hate what I missed out on including STRUCTURE as a kid) Right now, you have to act as an authority figure, but slowly. He's resentful of your family life and he'll act like he hates you and your kids because such a young kid will be jealous/resentful of the life you have... and he's without his own mother. More importantly, your husband has to let Cole know it's NOT okay to ignore you or HIS DAD.

Honestly, I think Cole's Dad should take him to grief counseling to get down to his feelings... young kids can't articulate their thoughts and emotions like adults, so they act out as Cole seems to be~ with anger. Once Cole gets started, it could turn into family counseling which could help bring all of you together as -- a family.

Good Luck! Just remember, Cole needs some stability as much as you all do. This is a very confusing situation, and it might even be best for someone else to babysit him.

[s_cianci]

It's time for your husband to come to the realization that it's time for he and Cole to part ways. Cole is not his son and he now has a family that he's responsible for. That trumps his relationship with Cole. Since it's obvious that Cole is not blending well into your family, it's time for your husband to move on and put Cole behind him.

[trishan]

Cole is my husbands decieced ex-girlfriends child with another man. My husband does plan to have Cole in his life, and in fact, Coles dad asked us if we'd be willing to take Cole if anything happened to him (God forbid) this last year, and we've agreed. As far as grief counseling goes, I doubt that anything will be done with that. The most Coles dad does with him, is to visit Mommys grave. We have video of Mommy, and I wanted to let Cole watch them, but dad wasn't so receptive to that. I let him watch them anyway. Mommy may be gone, but should never be made to be forgotten. I truly think that the best thing to do, is to stop caring for Cole five days a week. This summer is full time, and I feel it's given Cole too much time here. Plus dad doesn't know how to take him home when he's done with work. They end up here till 6 or 7 at night, and I get this kid at 5:30 in the morning. Even if we wanted to pretend that we're family, I still think that one shouldn't stay at anothers home for over 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Do you feel that I should maybe talk to Coles dad about all of this, because he doesn't even know the half of what his own son is saying and doing. Basically my family knows... and my friends know. I feel on one hand, that Cole is a job. I do daycare and need some type of separation between that, and what is just a visit where I have no responsibility over Cole. When dad comes to get Cole at the end of the day, that is when the "visiting" begins, yet it's still at my home, where all the rules suddenly manage to change, and Cole acts like a little sht and I lose control of our atmosphere here. And I feel as though I'm a tattle tale all the time when dad gets here, so I just quit saying anything. Cole had a bit of trouble in pre kindergarten, and daycares else where, so dad knows he's a handful. This is my dream marriage. I have no other issues in my life other than this one, and it's a giant to deal with, and needs to handled with kid gloves, otherwise hubby will lose respect for me, since I'm basically fighting with a six year old.

[GoldieMae]

Losing a parent is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a little kid. He is grieving. Grieving children act out, need love, and need to know that the other parent-figures in their lives aren't going anywhere like his mommy did. For all intents and purposes, your husband treats this child as his bio child, and I commend him for offering love to him like his own son. Parenting outweighs biology any day of the week.

I would treat Cole like he is your own son, even in front of his bio dad. Discipline him as you would your own children. Show him love like you do your own children, and respect him like you do your own children. It really sounds like Cole is reaching to you as a mother and not as a kid in daycare. His behaviour is entirely normal, and it is up to you to provide him the security you want. I sadly speak from experience as I lost a parent when I was a little younger than Cole and I also acted out.

I'd try disciplining him in front of his bio dad. If bio-dad doesn't like it, then he can take Cole home and discipline him as he sees fit. But in your home, Cole needs to be treated as you would one of your own, including discipline. Love and discipline may be the best therapy for this little one.

[trishan]

I agree that love and discipline could be the best therapy for Cole, but it has to be from all responsible adults. Not just me, at my home in front of his dad, and my husband where Cole seems to believe that he rules the roost. I commend my husband for the love and affection that he has for Cole, and for mine as well. I never felt any differently about this. He is an amazing man. But parenting needs to involve enforced rules, and consequences. He doesn't do well in this department. I'm left to be the bad guy, he is always the buddy, good guy. We don't make Cole feel as though he's lost what we now have either. Cole wasn't treated any differently when it came to my kids, or any kids here. Cole has grown to defy authority... other than my hubbys. In school he's always talking out of turn, and doesn't quit until what he wants to say is said, so, he's always getting what they call red lights instead of green. So no recess for him. He takes off out of the classroom, etc...
If I didn't have the responsibility of caring for him 5 days a week, then we'd see him maybe once, twice a month. Big difference I think. So, knowing that, I think Coles dad see's me as just daycare with hopes of instilling some type self control in his child. I think that Cole feels now, that he basically lives here since there's been such big changes in how often he see's us now verses before I babysat him. He's here more than at his dads house, or anyone else's house. And he's here more now than at any other time he's ever been here in the past also. I don't know, I still think that it would be better to leave the responsibility of caring for him up to someone else, and be someone he comes to see and visits, and sleeps over sometimes. And we can see him more at his dad's house, so he can understand the difference between what is truly his home and what is ours. I think that it's a darn lot to have to handle with his behavior problems and it's time to hand the reigns back to his dad and let dad figure out how to deal with these issues. We are suppose to love the child, nurture him as much as we can, yet still have a family life that exists separate from his as well. Thanks for everyone's advice. I really appreciate it.