[TheIdiotWhoLostHer]

First time poster, please no flaming. Long story shortened significantly...

I had a great relationship with my ex of 7 years. We bought a house together and I freaked out. I became insecure that my life, my youth, was forever gone - and that I would be committed to one woman forever. I got scared and cheated on her for almost a year. I was confused and stupid. I accept all responsibility for this deplorable action, and I am full of regret and remorse - so please hold off judging me.

My question is:

We share a house 50/50 that I no longer reside in. I am relocated to a different state to live with my parents. I lost my job because of this mess too. My ex has expressed that she is barely making mortgage payments now. I told her I would help her out once I got back on my feet finacially. I have accepted an offer and it's only time before I get back on my feet, but now I am having second thoughts as to paying her $$ for one of two reasons:

1) She has not really initiated or steered any conversation toward the house. Maybe she is waiting for ME to do it because she isn't strong enough? She is not ready to make a decision about "us", but she also does not want to talk about the house either?? I'm in limbo.

2) She is going out on dates. Why should I pay her $$ if she is out messing around? I know I cheated but, if this is what she wants... then I understand - I deserve nothing, but lets be adult and figure out the house situation before more time and $$$ are wasted.

[Dr D]

The relationship appear broken. Your ex cannot afford the house. Your finances are not in great shape. It is time to sell the home so that each of you can go on with your lives. Find a good Realtor to put the house on the market. Once a satisfactory purchase offer has been accepted by both of you, instruct the escrow agent (title company) to split the proceeds 50/50. Life is too short.

[GoldieMae]

A few questions:

1) are you or were you ever married to her?
2) how is the house titled? Joint tenancy (only allowed if married), tenancy in common, tenancy by the entirety?
3)How much equity is in the house? Is it enough to worry about?

[TheIdiotWhoLostHer]

DrD - thanks for the advice!

GoldieMae,

1) No.
2) Title is in both of our names... 50/50 - so I guess tenancy in common? Not entirely sure to be honest.
3) We bought the house almost 3 years ago - so barely any equity is in the house. The market where the house is in (Indianapolis) is HORRIBLE right now - not to mention property taxes for that county were just hiked up significantly. I also dropped about $12,000 for a downpayment - I should probably forget about recouping that $$ right?

I just want some sort of closure, and this house is not letting us move on. All of my belongings are still there too (minus my clothes). I just don't understand why she is not discussing the house situation? Maybe she is waiting for ME to initiate that? It's not fair to either of us.

[GoldieMae]

Well, in that case, here is what I would suggest.

First thing I would do is call the mortgage company to see if they will recognize a "sale" from you to her for your half of the house and if doing so will remove you from the mortgage. If they will, then there will likely be closing costs, but that is a small price to pay to get closure. Then, call her up and tell her you want her to buy you out for half the equity, but that you will hold off on collecting it if she pays the closing costs (i.e. you won't ever collect the equity). Then, get back in touch with the mortgage company and arrange for the transfer of the mortgage into her name. The deed transfer will happen at that time.

If the mortgage company won't transfer the mortgage to her, then you will have to force a sale. It is your credit you have to worry about here, and she knows this. That's why she's asking you to pay the mortgage.

If you pay her mortgage, then she will find a way to screw you out of the equity when the market takes an upturn. She'll claim that she paid the mortgage and you abandoned the property.

I wish you luck.