[JaySkowo]

Well... I spoke to my ex-fiancee today (first time since she was mad at me early wednesday), I knew she was going on business travel mon-thurs this week and her luggage is still at my house. I called her to ask if she wanted me to drop it off while I was doing errands near where she is staying (20 miles away in her brothers house). She initially didn't pick up and I left a message telling her Id drop it off and leave. She called back right away and we spoke for 40 minutes, she was going to borrow her brothers luggage but told me if I didn't mind she'd appreciate it. She told me she was going to call me today. I told her I didn't try to call her because I wanted her to have peace and quiet, she told me she wondered why I didn't call and wondered if I was mad or just giving her space. She told me she really appreciated it.
We caught up on recent events and she told me how she's been hanging with her brother and his friends on a few occasions and she's been relaxing and enjoying herself while alone. She hasn't gone out with any friends other then that. She says she is really enjoying her time alone. I told her Ive been in 5th gear with things like my wieght and that Im visiting a therapist for my short temper fuse. I told her this was a real boot to the buttox about how much I really needed to change some area's. She comfortably acknowledged everything I told her I had plans to change within myself to make myself a better man for her. She didn't shoot me down once.
I asked her if she missed me and she said she did. I asked if she missed our previous life at home with our cats and daily habits and she told me she did and that she will probably miss it even more within a week or two.
I told her that her happiness is all that matters to me and that Id do anything to accommodate that and that Im bettering myself as we speak.
She told me she was going to come over next week after her travel trip and help clean the property up so we can sell it. I told her I really don't want to see her for another two weeks or so, I want to weigh X amount and look good for her. Her reply was "You dont want to see me? lol. Ok if thats what you want to do".
She asked me which bills I wanted to be responsible for this month and we agreed on which. She told me she changed her direct paycheck deposit to her single checking that Im not on, she then asked when I wanted to get my own phone contract? I asked her if she really still wanted to do all of that and she told me she did. She said she wanted to be 100% responsible for herself and not anyone else and that its part of the whole being on her own idea.
I told her I was in boston last night with my buddy with 4 females, I told her that most had boyfriends and that it was just the same as being out with 4 guys. I said I didn't really have fun etc etc. I told her Im not going after girls and she told me it didn't bother her.
I then asked her if she could give me some guidance on where I stand in the long run. I asked straight out if she wanted to be friends and not attempt to get back together ever again. Her response was "Im you friend now, I want you to talk to me like im your friend and about anything you want". I reworded my question and asked her if there is a chance we would never get back together and she said yes there is a chance, I then asked if there is a chance we could get married and have kids and she affirmatively said "yes" also. She stated that she doesn't know anything at this time and that right now she doesn't want to go out anywhere with me or see me for now. She wanted to make sure I told my sister (her little sister in her eyes) that she will call her soon and that she didn't want to talk about this stuff right now, she asked what they thought about her and this whole situation and I told her they still love her and that their advice was for me to give you space and that its like a vaction for her. They also said that if you truly love each other you guys will get back with one another, my ex-fiancee agreed and was glad to hear what they said to me regarding this whole situation.
I asked her if she was still going to stick to the 6 months before she considers dating and she said "If somehow asks me on a date Im not gonna just say no, Ill think about it". I asked her if I could take her out on a date two weeks from today and she said we'll see.
I ended the conversation by telling her that I love her so much and I want to be a better man for her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I told her to have fun at the beach and wear sunscreen. I said I love you and she said "I love you too, bye.

Looks like she's still on the fence but atleast I got some definitive answers this time instead of 100's of "I don't knows". What's your opinion?

[talaniman]

She stated that she doesn't know anything at this time and that right now she doesn't want to go out anywhere with me or see me for now.

This is all you needed to know, and you should leave her alone, and let her call you . In the meantime find a life you enjoy without her. She isn't on the fence at all, but she isn't on your side of it for sure. Its not easy after 10 years to move on, but you must. Do not call for that date in two weeks. Do not wait by the phone either. Try to be happy with yourself, as single.

[JaySkowo]

This is all you needed to know, and you should leave her alone, and let her call you . In the meantime find a life you enjoy without her. She isn't on the fence at all, but she isn't on your side of it for sure. Its not easy after 10 years to move on, but you must. Do not call for that date in two weeks. Do not wait by the phone either. Try to be happy with yourself, as single.

You think I should move on in terms of dating other people or move on and let her work through her own things in the meantime while I keep busy? Your quote "Its not easy after 10 years to move on, but you must." I don't understand what you mean exactly.. I don't want to date other people and I know she's not actively looking to either, she wants her solitude but she knows we're not on a break so she'd entertain date offers if they occurred (she'd think about it she stated). I know this woman very well and she's not one to lead me on by way of giving me false hope, she knows that telling me she loves me would be hurting me even further and plant the seed of hope for us to get back together, she knows how I interpret things.
I definitely will let her contact me, I won't call her whatsoever. When I dropped the luggage off I spoke to her brother when she wasn't there and he knew she wanted to be alone right now and that she's at a point in life where she is unsure about EVERYTHING and is enjoying her peace and quiet atm. I left that conversation with him in a good mood but he admittedly said that it could go either way but he has no specific vibe for either right now. He only said that time would tell. Her parents only know that she really wants to be alone atm and they aren't prying for more information.

[talaniman]

You think I should move on in terms of dating other people or move on and let her work through her own things in the meantime while I keep busy?

Move on with your life as I do not think it fair for one to wait forever with their life on hold, because the partner is unsure of what they want in life. Dating? I doubt you can really be good company right now. Or treat some one else fairly.

[rol]

In fact it sounds like the very situation I was in last year(except I'm female) so the advice I have to offer is

Move on with your life,
Work through your issues,
When she calls don't be available all the time, go out and have a good time with her without difficult questions.
Get really really busy with other things

This is not something that will be resolved anytime soon (if ever).

[JaySkowo]

in fact it sounds like the very situation i was in last year(except im female) so the advice i have to offer is

Move on with your life,
work through your issues,
when she calls dont be available all the time, go out and have a good time with her without difficult questions.
Get really really busy with other things

This is not something that will be resolved anytime soon (if ever).

How did your situation pan out? My ex seems to be spacing her calls to me a few days apart at minimum so avoiding them would certainly create long contact gaps between us.

[rol]

I was engaged like you , we had house together and I had almost the same speech,I need to be alone' we can start dating after ,'if you weren't so nice I would have believed it was all over" Every time we met for the first month it got more confusing,
Then I stopped asking questions and we went out every 3 weeks or so when he called and when I was available during 5 months. This led to intimacy one night (after 3 months)and then he got distant after, and then called and acted like nothing had happened, this hurt very bad,so I talked with him and he said he wanted to be alone and not in a relationship.

One month after that he jumped into a new relationship , he told me about this last week when I met him. He also told me he really thought he just needed a break but then he was happy alone,he said it really hurt him so much and he was confused.

So I would say your girl is like this also, and perhaps it might be a better idea to not see her at all for the next 6 months or so, so that you can move on with your life.

It will so hard for you, but you can see I have survived and you will too.

Just get very busy and meet new people.

[JaySkowo]

I was engaged like you , we had house together and I had almost the same speech,i need to be alone' we can start dating after ,'if you werent so nice i would have believed it was all over" Every time we met for the first month it got more confusing,
then i stopped asking questions and we went out every 3 weeks or so when he called and when i was available during 5 months. this led to intimacy one night (after 3 months)and then he got distant after, and then called and acted like nothing had happened, this hurt very bad,so i talked with him and he said he wanted to be alone and not in a relationship.

One month after that he jumped into a new relationship , he told me about this last week when i met him. He also told me he really thought he just needed a break but then he was happy alone,he said it really hurt him so much and he was confused.

So i would say ur girl is like this also, and perhaps it might be a better idea to not see her at all for the next 6 months or so, so that you can move on with your life.

It will so hard for you, but you can see i have survived and you will too.

Just get very busy and meet new people.

How long were you guys together and how old are you guys? It would be easier to compare relationships but the key part in my relationship is that my constant short fuse fighting due to the surrounding circumstances about finishing and selling our property and move to her brothers (which she absorbed instead of fighting back) was quite abundant the last few months.
We constantly stressed over money issues these past 6 months and I do mean STRESSED (we had no money for anything extra or to pay bills off completely). The property we own she loathed to no end for the last 2 years. She countlessly said to me that its hard to be sexually attracted to someone who stays at home all day instead of work like her (I earn a small portion of what she does). She's already stated to me on the phone that me fighting with her certainly started these feelings and did indeed push her over the edge, money issues revolved around 75% of our daily life if not more and constantly put her in depressed angry moods. My wieght was a small issue with her, I was 6'1" 205 and Im now 185 with measued muscle gain (I was athletically built but had a belly and jowel). I should be 180 when I see her next. Other then those specific items we had a great relationship without a hitch and did everything together. I now have a full time GOOD respectable job in my original trade that pays 750-1200 per week versus 50-200.
In my head Ive fixed all the stressful key issues we ever had even the slightest issues with. Ive been to 5 visits with my therapist for my short fuse and I must say its enlightened me on all levels. Ive gained insight I either ignored and didn't realize before and I think it shows right away.
I honestly think these changes will let me earn her back. If she stayed with me for 10 years for all the good things then eliminating the bad permanently should be enough. If she shoots me down with all the imrpovements and my new outlook on life then its definitely over.

Thoughts?

[talaniman]

Continue working on your own self improvement and expect nothing. Do this for you or it means nothing in the long run.

[rol]

We are 33 and 34 now.

Yes as tal says make those improvements for yourself,Focus on you,
Perhaps it was the fighting or money stress, perhaps not.

Time will tell.
Good luck with the situation.