[SanDiego-girl]

I was hoping some of you gentlemen out there could help me to understand a guy I have met. We met at a happy hour a few weeks back. We have an age gap of 14 years, he is 27, me 41. He acts older than his age though, I look younger. We really hit it off and he gave me his card, which he says he never does. He didn't want me to drive home drunk so I stayed at his place. And no, he did not push for sex which was amazing. Two weeks later he asked me out for breakfast. We had a wonderful time. We have a lot in common come to find out. He ordered champagne and we talked for a while. We then went to the beach. He is such a good kisser too!! After the beach we went back to his place. I thought for sure he would find a way to end our day together, though I was secretly hoping it would go on forever ;) Surprisingly he asked me to not go home first, but to stay and shower there and then go out for dinner. I had to go home though to take care of my dog. I came back and we had dinner, and cuddled on the beach drinking a little bottle of champagne I brought, and just held each other tightly for an hour or so in the moon lite. He wanted me to stay over again. Yes, we fooled around, but still he did not push for sex. Wow a date that almost lasted 24 hours.

Now you are probably wondering, okay what is the problem. Well, earlier in the day we got to talking about sex. I explained that I hold off because I get attached when I have sex, and I understand that men don't in the way women do, so there is no need to rush it. His face changed and he then explained that he does not want a relationship with anyone and prefers to be alone. His apartment is his cave, he says. I find myself quite nutty for this guy. His personality mixed with his energy has me captured. He seems so into me when I am there and begs me not to go. But I keep thinking back to what he said about not wanting a relationship and preferring to be alone. I know men mean what they say. His last 'girlfriend' was 9 years ago and it has been 4 years since he has had sex with anyone. It feels like he really likes me, he is not in a rush to get rid of me when I am there. So, does he like me and just needs time, or is he filling empty hours when he just doesn't want that cave time? I so miss him.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

It sounds like you have a lot of fun together but he did say he isn't wanting to be in a relationship right now. If I was you, I would enjoy my time with him but don't think of it as long term at all. If he is telling the truth about not wanting a relationship then as soon as you start acting like he is more then a friend he is going to run away.

Good Luck
Dennis777

[kristynn]

I am not a gentleman and maybe I am young and I don't know much :p, but here's my opinion anyway... :)

I think that maybe he has been too hurt when he had to let go of his last girlfriend and is afraid of going through that again. I mean, it may always happen and he wants to avoid it at all costs.

However, yes, it seems like he might be feeling very lonely and he's happy to have you around. He likes you, he likes you a lot, he needs you around, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he's fearful and is afraid he might lose you one day and again, he might end up hurt -- perhaps the way he ended up being after his girlfriend left him. Now, he prefers being alone.

I also think that in time, he will grow out of this and will choose to be with someone rather than being alone. But yes, he needs time, a lot of time.
Human beings can't be alone forever. It's not in our nature. Being alone drives us insane. Companionship is a very basic need.

If you like him that much and if this is what you want, why not be good friends with him and always be there for him? Who knows where this might lead you? You might even end up helping him grow out of this lonesome phase more quick... And for such a "fabulous guy", isn't it worth it?

[SanDiego-girl]

Thank you Dennis. I appreciate a man's input. The hard part is sucking it up and not letting yourself get too crazy over someone who makes you feel so wonderful about yourself. That chemistry that you can't put into words is powerful. But I also know that for those who feel the need to retreat and hide from the world, those are some pretty powerful feelings too. Only time will tell if he really wants me.

[SanDiego-girl]

Thank you also, Kristynn. A lady's opinion is always welcome. The only hurt that I know of was that his mom left his dad when he was very young due to abuse of her. His dad has never bothered to contact or care about him. It has been only him and his mom his whole life. He had told me this story twice the night we met because he was making the point that he understands women well because of his upbringing with his mom.

It is just kind of weird to be with someone who has two very different sides. One that begs me to stay when I want to go, but then can look you in the eye and say I don't want a relationship with anyone. I agree, very few people truly can function as the lone wolf. Someone will crack his code, only when he lets them. I guess I have half of it, for I got into his world pretty far already. Not sure what I did. I think the label 'relationship' has a negative connotation to some. It means 'checking in', 'being responsible too', and a loss of self or interference with that 'down' or 'alone' time that we all need. I can only sit back, send him an occasional email and not bother him. I knew he needs time to miss me. If he doesn't then I guess I will be easily replaced.

[ninedeezgirl]

I say its likely (especially in San Diego) that he just doesn't want to commit to anyone. He may have a couple others to fill histime when you're not there. Be careful for that. Even chemistry can be faked believe it or not... just be careful, be slow, be there when he needs you, but be busy with your own life. Speaking from experience girl... good luck!

[s_cianci]

It's hard to say at this point. It sounds like either scenario could be likely. Give it some more time to see for sure. Meanwhile, don't bring up the topic of sex unless he brings it up first. It seems like that's what put him on the defensive in the first place, so don't bring it up again.

[nicespringgirl]

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you!
Why not just be friends?:)