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hampton wife · May 7, 2007, 08:24 AM

I recently found out that my husband is using cocaine he says not an addiction just occasional use, we have been together for 9+ years and only married almost a year, we have two children one together(he's 7) and one from a previous relationship( she's 12). We have had our ups and downs like other relationships or marriages, but I was furious when I popped a drug test on him and he failed it-- showing cocaine in his system... I had suspected it and had noticed some of the signs & symptoms, but I wasn't going to rest until I knew for sure... now I know and I don't know what to do. I left the house with kids for the weeekend and returned on Sunday, with the understanding that I couldn't make any promises to stay and he promised to not do any more drugs or hang around his friends that did the same thing. We go to church and have been trying to make our relationship work by turning it over to the lord- did I do right by returning and standing by my man-helping him get through this or should I have stayed away and moved on?? help- I care about him a lot, and we have children - any advice is useful.thanks

NowWhat · May 13, 2007, 05:26 PM

First of all, if he is addicted to something - he has to want to be clean in order for that to happen. He can not do it for anyone other than himself.
Second, you made a vow - for better or worse. If you just found out about this - then you need to help him get the help he needs. Check into rehabs - things like that.

I had to do an intervention for my brother - he was an alcoholic - it was not pleasant, but we had a rehab lined up to take him to, made all the calls to the insurance to make sure what was covered. Contacted his work to make sure he could get the time off. (his wife told them that she was surprising him with a trip) We even got a mediator (which I highly recommend) to help with this.

When someone you love is in trouble - the first thing to do is not to walk away. If you try to get him help and he isn't willing or just won't - then you have to ask yourself these questions.
Good Luck

Fr_Chuck · May 13, 2007, 06:46 PM

First I hope it works, but I would keep some regular drug tests around, since the first thing an addict does is lie, they lie about how much theyuse, lie about getting help, and lie about stopping.

Also I would get the money and make sure he does not have all of your money in his account, or it may soon be gone for the drugs,
Also put a alert on on your credit file so that you "both" have to be notified to take out a new debt ( so he will not run up a lot of new debts)

If he is addicted it is going to be a lot worst before it gets better.

isabelle · May 14, 2007, 03:55 AM

I feel so sorry for you, but it is really hard to love an addict.
FR Chuck has some very good points. I would like to add that the chance of him cleaning up right now is almost non-existent,
Have you ever see the commercial for Cocaine.
The questions go like this
Would you steal for me... lie for me... cheat for me... ect then it says... would you die for me? The answers were all YES.
I wish you luck in your undertaking.

hennigar72 · May 14, 2007, 09:57 AM

Hi there. I really feel for you. Reading some of the other answers I wanted to share some of my feelings on the subject with you. Making your vows to your husband does not mean that you have to be by his side and watch his addiction ruin both of your lives. I know I love my husband unconditionally, but when we went through some problems with him using drugs and drinking excessively, although my love for him wouldn't have changed I knew that I had to instigate a major change. Until there was a period of definite clean time we weren't able to live together. My love and support for him did not die, but I could not allow his addiction to ruin our home any longer. First of all, I did not want to enable his use any more(Because I was doing exactly that without even knowing it) and I did not want any more damage done in our relationship(arguments were getting pretty heated) that might not be able to be healed. I do not know the full circumstances around your situation, if he has stopped or is still using. But I do know that active addiction does make you lie. Addicts go to any length and means to get their drug and I think you need to be sure that you are safe. It good luck. Is easier to support an active addict if you are able to separate the person you love from their disease of addiction.

Mira559 · May 17, 2007, 02:48 PM

While I do believe when you are married, you are in it for better or for worse-drugs, especially when you have children-should be an exception. I'm not saying that in my opinion you should go out and get a divorce, but I think the maybe he needs to hit rock bottom... I know how hard it is to live with an addict... That was my life story until I was 15 and moved out of my parents' house. My mother and her "boyfriends" were terrible addicts. It made my life hell. Don't do the same for your kids. Everyone reacts differently to drugs-some turn into monsters and are unpredictable. Maybe your husband isn't that bad, but the more he keeps using the worse it will get. I do agree that he has to want to quit, you can't make him. But maybe if you leave for a while he will hit rock bottom and them he will want to quit? I'm no expert, but I have definitely experienced what it can do to your home life. I really hope everything turns out okay for you and your family. My prayers are with you and your husband.

starlite · Jun 4, 2007, 01:05 AM

I think that you should help him and support him in his trouble. I was addicted to smoking too, i know it's not the same thing but I got emotional support and friends helped me along with pills that I bought from an canadian pharmacy. I hope you will be able to get through it. It's not easy but with love and support, I'm sure you will succeed.

wickedimp · Jun 10, 2007, 02:23 PM

Hi Hampton Wife,

I'm the wicked imp, a cocaine addict of some 20 years standing... Some addicts, like your husband might be called functional addicts but in the end the 'white lady' conquers everyone reducing them to scratching around on the carpet for crumbs.

Cocaine anonymous run family support groups especially for the families of addicts... suggest you attend, ask your husband to go to 1 cocaine anonymous meeting to see if he sees any of his behaviour in other people. I hope you can catch this before it's too late. Drugs destroyed my life and yet they are I have to live for now.