[Sunshine141]

Hi,

I've tried talking to my girlfriends about this but they just don't understand and get very judgemental.

This is my story... my boyfriend and I are each other's firsts and have been dating for 5 years now. Problem is that I cannot seem to orgasm during oral sex or intercourse. I can orgasm during masturbation though. The major issue is that since it's been such a long time with many discussions and fights along the way we're both at a lose and frustrated and my boyfriend has said to me a few times that sex just doesn't interest him anymore so our sac sessions are well... not all that great. I still enjoy sex and can feel some pleasure out of it just not enough to get an orgasm.

This is really all my fault because I am very quiet and I get embarrassed or something and just can't seem to voice what I want during sex. All the pressure and stress has just built up over the years and now I'm so worried about finishing during sex that I can't relax and just enjoy. I feel horrible because I know it makes him feel like crap as well even though I've told him many times that it isn't his fault. We have such a strong relationship we just need the sexual aspect of it. I have thought of bringing in a toy but he wasn't very into it and I can understand that because I would feel like crap if I were in his shoes and the only thing that got my girl off was a rubber toy. Since it's been so long we just don't seem to click in bed anymore, neither of us know what to do so I usually end up giving up and giving him oral. I don't like bringing the conversation up anymore with him (or him with me) because it brings back so many memories and makes us feel like crap so now I tend to just bottle it up until I burst into tears while blow drying my hair or something... sad I know :(

Any suggestions or words of advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Lowtax4eva]

There are couples books you could buy to try out different things in bed, but the real concern is after so long it may have become more of a mental problem than a physical problem. If nothing works you might consider couples therapy to get you both talking about it and make you more confident talking about what you want him to do etc.

Just a thought.

[Xenoreaper]

My girlfriend is the same way, but she can't get off at all not even with masturbation. It really is frustrating not having a great sex life. Its like I tell my girlfriend "Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but its my favorite thing" When she was younger she was sexually abused so that may have impact on her sex life now. I wish she could get over this

[Rina _4]

I think it's about your attitude and the way you communicate with each other. You two need to be open and honest about how you feel regarding this issue. After it has been so long, your mind is automatically set. Meaning it's a mental more than physical.

If you don't change your attitude and have a positive outlook then you will not be able to accomplish any thing. If you love each other then you must work even harder, be patient with one another and nothing will be impossible if you stay focused, motivated and determined.

[Sunshine141]

My girlfriend is the same way, but she can't get off at all not even with masturbation. It really is frustrating not having a great sex life. Its like i tell my gf "Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but its my favorite thing" When she was younger she was sexually abused so that may have impact on her sex life now. I wish she could get over this

Yes, that is probably what is happening. I grew up with a strong Christian background where pre-marital sex was a big no-no so I think that may be some of my issues, is trying to overcome that tabo.

I understand your frustrations because I see it in my boyfriend and it breaks my heart to know that I've caused it. The best thing you can do for her is just to continue to be supportive and understanding and know that it isn't your fault. Knowing my boyfriend has stuck with me for 5 years even though our sex life is sub-par has been a great help and reminds of how much he loves me.

I think it's about your attitude and the way you communicate with each other. You two need to be open and honest about how you feel regarding this issue. After it has been so long, your mind is automatically set. Meaning it's a mental more than physical.

If you don't change your attitude and have a positive outlook then you will not be able to accomplish any thing. If you love each other then you must work even harder, be patient with one another and nothing will be impossible if you stay focused, motivated and determined.

Thanks Rina, I think I agree with you. What happens is I'll get myself all riled up before and tell myself I'm going to do this and that, I'm going to initiate sex and tell him what I want and it'll be great and I'm all excited but then by the time we actually get to doing it I just shut down and everything I said I was going to do doesn't happen. I just automatically give up I guess like you suggested because it's so routine now...

[E3317]

Get drunk and become like a nasty little slut for your man. Loose all inhibitions and free yourself. Role play just be horeish and enjoy

[smoothy]

You have to have the right guy, he has to know what's working, you have to know what it takes to make it work, and then you both have to be able to pace yourselves as well as being able to read each other.

Trust me its not only possible, but its possible to repeat to a high degree once you get your collective acts together. It IS a team effort.

FYI, My wife can get off almost every time but not only that we can have a mutual orgasm about 80% of the time where we both climax within 30 seconds of each other.

[EnglishRose]

Honey you just need relax. E3317 is a bit nutty with their advice but maybe a having a few drinks would help you unwind. Have a nice bath with some nice oils and some wine before hand. When you go to bed with your partner try and agree a way that you can let him know that what he is doing is good for you. A code word will do if you can't bring yourself to moan although that would be a lot sexier. Try to show him how you like to be touched. I know you are a little shy but you really need to open up with this man if you want to be sexually intimate with him. You must let go of all thoughts about committing sins or making him feel uncomfortable. You need to make this about yourself for once.

[smoothy]

EnglishRose... yeah I guess you're right. She #1 has to relax, remember the old wives tale about a watched pot never boils.

Try not to be in a rush and take your time, in a quiet room, with no distractions... make sure he does as well. Tell him what feels good, help guide him to that. Its not common sense to guys, he has to learn what makes you tick, at a very intimate level.

You have to be extremely comfortable with yourself and with him as well. When you establish that, keep building on what feels good for you, make sure he participates (remember guys are really pretty easy to please) and make sure he knows what YOU need and like, all of it. Keep working on that and one day you can have what I described earlier. Just remember if he's good enough to spend your life with, then he's good enough to teach how and where all your buttons are and how they like to be pushed.

[rankrank55]

As long as you can orgasm with masturbation you are fine! Most women do not orgasm during intercourse. If this is crucial to you then I suggest that you show him what feels good and what does not;take his hand and show him. Women on top is great for orgasm if you stimulate your clitoris while having sex! All of these other people are telling you to drink but drinking only dulls your senses(ever feel numb when you've had a little too much to drink, it does the same thing to your vagina). Enjoy the emotional aspects of sex especially if you can orgasm on your own! Good Luck

[EnglishRose]

I wish drink did numb my senses. It has to opposite effect on me! In fact in the past it has gotten me into trouble. Lol. But seriously, Rankrank is right, not all women orgasm from sex alone. I have heard that going on top is best for most women, but I find that from behind is better for me. You just need to learn what does it for you hun

[Sunshine141]

Thanks everyone for the great non-judgmental advice, you guys are right about me just needing to relax and stop worrying about everything during sex AND change my attitude which is something 'Rina_4' mentioned which I never realized before. We had sex the other night and I kept focusing on the sensations and every time a negative thought came into mind I just ignored it and concentrated harder on the feelings and was positive and it worked! I still didn't orgasm from intercourse but a little clitoral stimulation after he was done got me off which is fine by me. :) We both agreed that is was amazing and can't wait for the next time!

P.S. I have had drunken sex before lol and it does make me more open and less worried but I don't want to have to rely on that, haha! Thanks though!

[kp2171]

Mental blocks can kill sex.

Also, you mentioned that you can get yourself off. Can you self stimulate while he's inside you? I dated a girl who did that, or asked me to use my fingers at the right moment, and that direct stimulation of the cl!toris absolutely did the job. But the next girl I dated hated it.

Also, while I've had more success with oral... meaning more partners have reached orgasm more often if given oral versus intercourse... even that takes some thought. Most of the time, if I go at the cl!toris too fast it doesn't work. My partners have responded better when you work your way slowly up to the cl!toris... almost to the point where they are pulling you up there when they are ready... so his technique might be of question. You can help direct him.

no... its no fun to be a traffic cop in bed... or is it? I mean if you can ask for what you need and it gets you there he will learn.

My partner self stimulates and asks for things when she needs them. Sometimes she will self stim at the breasts with her fingers... sometime shell ask me to help. Same for other erotic stimulations... the more you can help him understand what you want, the better it will be.

So what do you like when you self stimulate?

[Rina _4]

Look at it in a different perspective and you will see some things you never really thought of. How do you feel when you are around your boyfriend? Do you have that intimidated feeling?

[Sunshine141]

Thanks kp_2171, I like clitoral stimulation the best when I'm on my own. We're doing a lot better, this forum has really helped encourage me to be more relaxed and think positive which in turn makes it easier to start telling him things that I want. I still get a little shy/embarrassed asking for things especially oral because I'm always worried about what he thinks while doing it but it's getting better.

Rina, I feel good around him and I still am very attracted to him (he's a hottie what can I say lol). I don't think I get intimidated but just embarrassed, I get worried he'll think negative things about me even though I know it's stupid to think that and he never would it's just ingrained in my head or something and hard to overcome. So many worries pop into my head like pregnancy, that's a huge worry for us but we do practice safe sex (I'm on because and we use rubbers) or negative thoughts like -- it hasn't happened for 5 years what makes me think it's going to happen now, etc etc.. Like I said above it is getting a bit better now so hopefully I can get over my hang ups

Another thing I thought of was that I really have no mental fantasies or images that I can flip through when I'm close and that really is a turn off because by the time I think of something it's too late so I was thinking I should find some! Lol

[kp2171]

Thanks kp_2171, I like clitoral stimulation the best when i'm on my own. We're doing a lot better, this forum has really helped encourage me to be more relaxed and think positive which in turn makes it easier to start telling him things that i want. I still get a little shy/embarrassed asking for things especially oral because i'm always worried about what he thinks while doing it but it's getting better.

Great job. Please try to get out of your own way and let yourself ask for, demand even, what you want and need. It doesn't have to be fake or made up... but allow yourself to really need something... in fact, spend all day fantasizing about what you are going to ask him to do to you and do for you and how its going to feel... get yourself absolutely primed for the moment mentally.

... and as for wondering what he thinks... well, if I'm trying to please my partner and she asks me to "bite here" or "touch there" I think its about the most erotic thing there is. It means she needs something and want it now.

So, please... don't be afraid to ask, and don't fret about his feelings because he's going to feel fantastic when you are grabbing at him in sheer pleasure.

And if it takes some time to get there, don't worry. Open communication and getting yourself mentally lost in the moment are key. Sounds like your heading the right way.

[smoothy]

By all means guide him. How else is he going to learn exactly how you like your buttons pushed. Otherwise its like telling someone to find their way around town blindfolded.

Besides... you will learn more about what really works best for you at the same time.

[E3317]

True indeed