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tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 07:05 AM

[QUOTE=talaniman]Again, leave her alone and let her call youQUOTE]

Well, just for your information I had left her alone. Last week she called me out of the blue. I had sent the jewelry back that I took back after the breakup. We talked on the phone that day and the following day. We had been exchanging text messages periodically. I am now trying to get her to sit down with me to have a conversation. She seems a little reluctant at this point. I feel I am in a better position now than I was before. I feel that there might be a chance. I haven't talked to her since Sunday.

talaniman · May 2, 2007, 07:13 AM

Let her call you as the worst thing you can do is add pressure to someone who is reluctant. If she comes back it must be because that's what she wants.

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by shirley-anne

You thought that the fights would lead to reconciliation like before and they didn't this time. Not what you expected and now, that it's too late, you realize that it's not what you want..

Yes the reason I thought we would reconcile, is because we were both the same way. We both fought for the reconciliations. She has contacted me recently and it has brought me to wondering what I could do now. She has given me a little bit of hope. She wants to meet me to get her stuff from my house. Honestly talking to a lot of my female friends, they all say she wants to come and talk about things. She called me out of the blue to find out if I had sent a package to her, I told her I did and she wanted to know what it was. I told her it was the jewelry. She sounded excited at first. I played it cool, and happy. She went on to say that she wanted to come to my house to get her stuff. This is a huge change of plan, initially she was going to have her dad and uncle pickup her stuff at my house. Then after she brought that up and we continued to talk awhile, she told me that she didn't want the jewelry and she wasn't going to wear it. This after she wanted to pick it up. My female friends are telling me that it sounds as if she is confused on what she wants to do. They tell me that by me giving her the jewelry back to her that makes it appear as if I want the relationship to end. And now with that she is the one that is trying to hurt me, because she is hurt. Any perspectives on that?

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Let her call you as the worst thing you can do is add pressure to someone who is reluctant. If she comes back it must be because thats what she wants.

You have to admit, that this is a lot different than what you were thinking earlier? It is still a bad situation, but I can see some light. We even responded to text messaging. The one thing though which I haven't done is to try and pressure her. I asked her in a text message if I could call he to talk, she gave no reply as far as yes or no. So later on in the night I asked her if she was leery about talking with me and she didn't reply. I think she wants to talk to me, but she needs some more time. Fortunately she is planning on coming to my house. A lot of my friends think that she will talk to me there.

sypher373 · May 2, 2007, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely

You have to admit, that this is a lot different than what you were thinking earlier? It is still a bad situation, but I can see some light. We even responded to text messaging. The one thing though which I havent done is to try and pressure her. I asked her in a text message if I could call he to talk, she gave no reply as far as yes or no. So later on in the night I asked her if she was leery about talking with me and she didnt reply. I think she wants to talk to me, but she needs some more time. Fortunately she is planning on coming to my house. A lot of my friends think that she will talk to me there.

Just a warning...

I tried this approach. Me ex wanted space, she was (and still is) confused. I figured I could talk to her, though I wouldn't contact her or put any pressure on her to make up her mind. Now maybe you can handle it better than I did, but I was waiting, and catching every single thing she threw at me. I would obsess about actions and words which truly meant nothing... Women are perceptive, they can pick up on things like that...

Just don't fall into a trap of false hope.

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by sypher373

Just a warning....

I tried this approach. Me ex wanted space, she was (and still is) confused. I figured I could talk to her, though I wouldnt contact her or put any pressure on her to make up her mind. Now maybe you can handle it better than I did, but I was waiting, and catching every single thing she threw at me. I would obsess about actions and words which truly meant nothing...Women are perceptive, they can pick up on things like that...

Just dont fall into a trap of false hope.

I agree with you. She had called me out of nowhere. I saw that as a way for her to see how I was doing without asking, because she didn't. I was very nice to her, and then she threw out stuff trying to get me mad at her. I even ended the call before she did. I thought I did a decent job. I had been thinking that there is a possibility to get back. I don't know. She still hasn't gone to pickup her jewelry at the Post office yet though.

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely

I agree with you. She had called me out of nowhere. I saw that as a way for her to see how I was doing without asking, because she didnt. I was very nice to her, and then she threw out stuff trying to get me mad at her. I even ended the call before she did. i thought I did a decent job. I had been thinking that there is a possibility to get back. I dont know. She still hasnt gone to pickup her jewelry at the Post office yet though.

Why do they do that? If she doesn't want to be with me let me know. I even went to a psychologist, and he told me that he would be torn to with all the signals that she has given. I chat via text message and its fine until I ask to talk to her, then she ignores me.

sypher373 · May 2, 2007, 09:41 AM

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely

Why do they do that? If she doesnt want to be with me let me know. I even went to a psychologist, and he told me that he would be torn to with all the signals that she has given. I chat via text message and its fine til I ask to talk to her, then she ignores me.

In my situation, I still don't believe she did it on purpose. The confusion that is going on in hre mind is plenty to confuse me, and I'm sure it is hard for her just as it is for me. I respect the fact that she is confused, but I also have to resepect the fact that I can't keep exposing myself to that confusion.

You said that you did well, and I have been there and thought the same thing. What worries me is that you "started to think about the possibility of getting back together", that's a red flag. The biggest advice advocated on these boards is NC. I do believe that it is possible to move on and keep contact, and it has happened before, but it was a long and painful road for me to realize that it wont work for me. Maybe your luckier than I am, I just wouldn't wish the pain I put myself through trying to keep contact on anyone else. If you can do it, more power to you, but from my experience, its not even worth the effort. (Ask tal, I'm sure he wouldn't mind hitting me upside the head :))

talaniman · May 2, 2007, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman
Let her call you as the worst thing you can do is add pressure to someone who is reluctant. If she comes back it must be because thats what she wants.

You have to admit, that this is a lot different than what you were thinking earlier?

Not really, as my message was and still is to get healthy, and see thing clearly, so your decisions are based on facts, and not emotions. As long as your still texting, and emailing, you will stay confused.You need to settle who has what, and not contact each other. She called you, and now the back and forth has started again, and so has the mixed signal from you both and the confusion.

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely
Why do they do that? If she doesnt want to be with me let me know. I even went to a psychologist, and he told me that he would be torn to with all the signals that she has given. I chat via text message and its fine til I ask to talk to her, then she ignores me.

All this texting and asking her to talk to you is a form of pressure.

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

All this texting and asking her to talk to you is a form of pressure.

If that is the case, she should just tell me to stop! If there is pressure there, and she doesn't want to talk, wouldn't it be easier for to tell me to leave her alone? Why would she respond sometimes, and not others?? I have no problem giving her space and leaving her figure things out. I left her alone for 3 weeks and now she contacts me and it starts all over again. I was perfectly content on leaving things go, and I wanted to clear my mind of everything. I sent her jewelry back and now here I am.

talaniman · May 2, 2007, 01:28 PM

You presumes she knows what she wants, and how to get it. She wants you in her life as a friend, and not the burden of a relationship. If you were less available to her, her confusion will not be yours. Do it for yourself. When she contacts you be busy, or unavailable. Don't count on her to do the right thing by you, as she has her own problems to worry about.

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You presumes she knows what she wants, and how to get it. She wants you in her life as a friend, and not the burden of a relationship. If you were less available to her, her confusion will not be yours. Do it for yourself. When she contacts you be busy, or unavailable. Don't count on her to do the right thing by you, as she has her own problems to worry about.

Ya know talaniman, this is probably the first time that I remotely agreed with you on matters here. Trust me I appreciate what you are saying most of the time I didn't agree with you, but this time I do agree. I had settled on the fact that we weren't going to be together, at least right away. I figured if it is meant to be that we would work things out later on. I started building my life back again and then that phone call. Honestly I am probably deservinG of a break. I think after some time, we may be able to get back together, but I don't wanT to push the issue. Whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Jiser · May 3, 2007, 01:11 AM

You need a get a life completely without her. When you can see clearly, thinking with your brain and not your emotions then only then will you be able to make a rationale decision about your past and saying that you probably won't want to go back! - Far healthier option. One day they will see what they lost.

tiredandlonely · May 3, 2007, 05:28 AM

Originally Posted by Jiser

You need a get a life completely without her. When you can see clearly, thinking with your brain and not your emotions then only then will you be able to make a rationale desicion about your past and saying that you probably won't want to go back! - Far healthier option. One day they will see what they lost.

This is a tough process. I was starting to get there, and then out of the blue she calls me. That made me start the emotional roller coaster again.

Jiser · May 3, 2007, 05:31 AM

Block her number, phone up which ever company your with and get her no blocked barred or w/e - change your numbers/emails etc everything!!

tiredandlonely · May 3, 2007, 05:38 AM

Wouldn't that be a little drastic? What if things got better later on? I am probably better off just ignoring her for now. Although she is planning on coming to get her stuff at my house next week. What should I do then, Ignore her and make her get it another time? My friends feel she called me out of the blue to talk about things, not so much to get her stuff. It has been at my house for two months now anyway.

talaniman · May 3, 2007, 05:59 AM

There you go waiting on what if's and maybe's,

Honestly I am probably deservinG of a break.

You are so resolved when she is not around, and all it takes is a phone call to start to get you started hoping all over again. And I think your friends are right to a point, as she can't just wait and get her stuff, she wants you to have her on your mind, but the real question are you ready to deal with anything she has to say? If she wants to be friends, you will be devastated. If she wants you back, you'll take her without thought. Either way, will you be making an emotional decision, or one based on facts and clear thinking? Without resolving the past issues, they will come back. Hope you have her stuff packed, and ready to go.

tiredandlonely · May 3, 2007, 06:10 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

There you go waiting on what if's and maybe's, You are so resolved when she is not around, and all it takes is a phone call to start to get you started hoping all over again. And I think your friends are right to a point, as she can't just wait and get her stuff, she wants you to have her on your mind, but the real question are you ready to deal with anything she has to say? If she wants to be friends, you will be devastated. If she wants you back, you'll take her without thought. Either way, will you be making an emotional decision, or one based on facts and clear thinking? Without resolving the past issues, they will come back. Hope you have her stuff packed, and ready to go.

I honestly think I am ready to here what she has to say. I know it can't get any worse than where I am right now. I know I can't really feel much worse than I do about the whole situation. I almost think I need to here her tell me something. If it is bad, then so be it, maybe that is the push that I need to move on.

tiredandlonely · May 3, 2007, 06:18 AM

Another thing that has me perplexed is the jewelry I sent back. She called me about it, asked if I had sent something, I told her it was the jewelry. She was going to her sisters and didn't know when she would pick it up. I said to her that if she needed me to, I would just get it too her some how. Then she told me that her dad would get it. Fine... Immediately after that is when the stuttering and stumbling came into play and she told me that she wanted to come to my house to get her stuff. I took that as a hesitation on her part. She then proceeded after that to tell me that she didn't want the jewelry, and she wouldn't wear it again. I told her if she didn't want it she could send it back.

So far, she has not picked up the jewelry.

My female friends are telling me that she called to test me basically. She wanted to see how I reacted, and I was really nice to her on the phone, sounding happy. They said that upset her, because she wanted me to be angry or something. When she brought up about getting her stuff, it wasn't that she wanted to, but she interpreted me giving the jewelry back to her as a sign that the relationship was really over and that I was moving on without her. Weird as it may sound, they said it sounds like she was upset with me feeling that way, hence that she got angry about me taking the jewelry in the first place, and then giving it back. That is why she said that she wasn't going to wear it and she didn't want it.

I know deep down, she really wants the jewelry. Do you think that she is just being stubborn? Or what is the deal with that? Would you agree with the female perspective that she doesn't want to truly be out of the relationship and that she was angry that she saw me as giving up on it?

sypher373 · May 3, 2007, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely

I know deep down, she really wants the jewelry. Do you think that she is just being stubborn? or what is the deal with that? Would you agree with the female perspective that she doesnt want to truly be out of the relationship and that she was angry that she saw me as giving up on it?

Sounds to me like your grasping at straws. Im not sure you are truly as ready as you think you may be. It appears that you are wishing you are more ready than you truly are, and trust me I know the feeling. Only you will know when you are ready, but from my point of view, you aren't yet. Be sure you think long and hard about everything your doing.