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elt · May 1, 2007, 04:55 AM

OK... I don't know how,but I destroyed my family life despite my good intention. Please don't judge me. Recently I discovered that my son has Rh- blood type and my husband and I have Rh+ blood type.This fact excludes my husband as a father of my 14 year old son. I have read many books and articles which answer in the affirmative that the child has right to know his/her genetical connection and it is in the best interest of the child to know the truth.Four weeks ago I gathered my ex-friend who is the only possible father of my son,and my son.I informed them abouth the truth of the paternity of my son.The first reaction of my son was to burst out of anger,after that he calmed himself.My ex-friend said he would love to get to know my son and invited him to make an appointment for the next day...
Two weeks ago my husband had a row with my son because my son's school results which weren't very good... My husband forbade my son to went out for two days. Then my son said'"You are not my father and you can't give me orders!I will go out because I will meet my real father..."After that I explained all what I did to my husband and told him the truth.
My son and I went to psychologist who said that it was a usual teenager act because my husband is a bad person because he has requirements and my ex-friend is a good person because he doesn't have requirements.Also the psychologist said that my son will understand who his parent is when he will be an adult and It is right to inform him abouth his true descent but it had to be done in joint action .My husband and I had to explain him that he has two fathers-one who is'responsible' for his birth and second/but the most important/ father who takes care and loves him.It is better my son to learn about his origin from us instead to learn it in independent way... But I wasn't able to tell the truth to my husband... I was scared...
Everything is upside down.My ex-friend and my son's biofather lost his interest in his son two weeks after their first meeting and moved out of the city.My son is out of control.He keeps telling us that his father/my husband/ is not his father and I am a b*tch/maybe he is right here/.My husband is in depression and he hasn't talked to us since he knew the truth.
What I have to do?How to correct the situation?Please,give me ideas.
Thank you in advance and... don't judge me.I feel guilty myself without your judgement.

shygrneyzs · May 1, 2007, 05:39 AM

Other than saying that your husband should have been the first one you talked to about this, I cannot think of much else to say. Your husband feels betrayed on a couple of levels - the first is his son's paternity and second, your excluding him in your discovery and he found out from an angry teen. But you know that and you did what you thought was right. As the saying goes, hindsight is always twenty/twenty. When we are presented with a critical situation like this, who can say what we would really do?

Has this ex friend been tested for paternity? So that you absolutely know that he is the Father? Your son has the right to know.

I am glad you went to a psychotherapist. I really hope you continue - that you, your husband, and your son all go to family counseling and individual counseling is not a bad idea. You have a lot to deal with and this cannot be easy. That is why you need help in dealing with the emotions, the fears, the pressure, the stress, and parenting issues.

You need to know you are not a bad person and you are not a b****. You still have the same qualities that make you a great wife and mother. My prayers are with you and your family. Get some help though, you need someone else's strength right now to guide you.

elt · May 1, 2007, 06:29 AM

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Has this ex friend been tested for paternity? So that you absolutely know that he is the Father? Your son has the right to know.

I am glad you went to a psychotherapist. I really hope you continue - that you, your husband, and your son all go to family counseling and individual counseling is not a bad idea. You have alot to deal with and this cannot be easy. That is why you need help in dealing with the emotions, the fears, the pressure, the stress, and parenting issues.

Thank you,shygrneyzs!! My ex-friend has never tested but he is the only biofather because my husband is not. I am afraid of my husband's scilence.It makes me unsure... I prefer he would smash me but... he does nothing.I tried to talk with him unsuccessfuly.The only words which he has said were"Thank you very much,my precious! You make me bite the dust. I lost face in my eyes.Now I can't see a purpose to live!''... That was all.

ScottGem · May 1, 2007, 06:34 AM

Either get your husband into therapy with you and separate sessions with you and your son. This situation needs to be aired out with the help of a counselor.

What I don't understand is how you could have thought that, by telling your son and his bio father, this would not come out.

elt · May 1, 2007, 06:39 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Either get your husband into therapy with you and separate sessions with you and your son. This situation needs to be aired out with the help of a counselor..

OK-I agree but it can't happen without his consent.

Originally Posted by ScottGem

What I don't understand is how you could have thought that, by telling your son and his bio father, this would not come out.

I read stupid books and... :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

Emland · May 1, 2007, 06:40 AM

You have a lot of mending to do. Please continue the family counseling. The bio-dad really needs to backup your husband. Your husband is his father. Your husband is the one that has been there for your son the last 14 years. I imagine the shock and shame will diminish over time, but you are going to have a tough time for a while. Hang in there.

elt · May 1, 2007, 06:54 AM

Emland... The bio-dad disappeared , my husband doesn't want counceling, I can't force him to go with me there...

elt · May 1, 2007, 08:43 AM

I don't know haw it would reflect to my son's psychological,emotional and social condition...

fray · May 1, 2007, 10:15 AM

Yeah-I am curious,too!

shygrneyzs · May 1, 2007, 11:40 AM

Okay, you asked not to be judged here and I have not judged you at all. HOWEVER, I do want to ask what "stupid books" did you read that advised you not to take this to your husband first? I think you rather decided this on your own, because you knew that your husband would feel betrayed, that he would feel a loss of face in his family and community. Right? Did you have any doubts before your son was born as to his Father was? You must have known you were intimate with this other man. Were you still single then or were you already married? This other man, was he a presence in your life after your impregnation? How did you know where to find him? Kept in contact with him at all?

I will answer GV70's question - a woman who knowingly betrays her husband does bear the responsibility. However, I would not be the first one to pick up the stone. That is between her and her husband, to work the forgiveness and trust. As Emland stated, it is going to be tough for awhile. I truly hope that this family can survive this and become strong together and not apart. If her husband refuses to forgive or his culture does not allow him to forgive, then there is not much to build on.

Elt, you are right, you cannot force your husband to go to counseling. But you go and your son goes - separate and even together. Perhaps when your husband sees that you really want this to work out, he will come to realize that what he does have is worth working for. But, if you have lost all you have developed over the years, then you need to understand how your actions made it so. I feel the most for your son. He is in the middle of nowhere. He cannot see that the man who raised and loved him is more of a Father than any DNA. Biology does not qualify someone for being a bona fide parent. It can provide a legal means to collect child support!

elt · May 1, 2007, 07:56 PM

Well,I had no doubts who his father was.I missed the reproductive intercourse of this act.I had the monthlies early.Yes,I was married.This other man is my brother's classmate and we were wery closed when I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.After that we saw little of each other.I hadn't seen him for years.I asked my brother to find him and he gave me his phone number.
I am pretty sure that my son will estimate highly my husband as his father.I keep in mind what my husband has done for him... Believe me or not,he is really a very good father and husband.I feel my son is very confused.An hour ago I saw him.He wept.I asked him why and he answered me that the reason was he offended his father/my husband/! We talked about this situation... He also feels guilty himself/I think without a reason/...
You imagine the shock will diminish overtime.But how time-a week ayear,20 years...

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Biology does not qualify someone for being a bona fide parent. It can provide a legal means to collect child support!

If my husband fill for divorce I will not have moral right to ask for child support.

shygrneyzs · May 2, 2007, 04:00 PM

I have no doubts your husband is a good Father. I do not doubt that you are a good Mother. You made some unwise choices. Is anyone perfect? Not to my knowledge. YOur son said he offended his Dad (your husband). No, your son did not offend him. This is not on your son's shoulders. I hope you told him that.

About child support - talk to an attorney. The biological Father may be responsible or the courts could say your husband may be, as your husband raised this boy. The deception will certainly come up. You really need to have legal counsel if your relationship leads to a separation and/or divorce. As Emland said, the support is not for you - the support is for your son. Even if you do not spend a nickel on yourself with that money - that money is for the care and support of your son. Save it for him to use when he goes to college. It could also happen that your husband receives custody of your son. He is, for all purposes and intentions, the son's Father. What is morally right and what is legally right are not always the same thing. I am advocating going after your husband for the child support but I am saying you need a good legal repreentative to explain what all can happen.

About the pain lasting? It will last as long as your husband wants it to last. If he wants to hold this against you for the rest of your life, he will. If he can forgive and go forward, all the better for everyone. One thing, I sincerely hope you can forgive yourself. Sometimes, that is the hardest part of recovering from a mistake.

elt · May 2, 2007, 08:41 PM

I don't know what to say... This evening my son and my husband had a long conversation and... they are friends again!He talked to me,too!WOW!He wants to begin our life again on condition that we move out from California to Kansas and we never speak about these weeks.

Emland · May 3, 2007, 05:53 AM

Glad to hear things are better, elt. Kansas is nice - kind of windy.

shygrneyzs · May 3, 2007, 06:21 AM

Kansas is windy! Any of these states in this Great Plains - the wind blows most every day. If moving to Kansas and starting over works, then I wish you and your family the very best, the absolute best.

krystal1973 · May 3, 2007, 09:41 AM

Originally Posted by elt

OK...I don't know how,but I destroyed my family life despite my good intention. Please don't judge me. Recently I discovered that my son has Rh- blood type and my husband and I have Rh+ blood type.This fact excludes my husband as a father of my 14 year old son. I have read many books and articles which answer in the affirmative that the child has right to know his/her genetical connection and it is in the best interest of the child to know the truth.Four weeks ago I gathered my ex-friend who is the only possible father of my son,and my son.I informed them abouth the truth of the paternity of my son.The first reaction of my son was to burst out of anger,after that he calmed himself.My ex-friend said he would love to get to know my son and invited him to make an appointment for the next day...
Two weeks ago my husband had a row with my son because my son's school results which weren't very good...My husband forbad my son to went out for two days. Then my son said'"You are not my father and you can't give me orders!I will go out because I will meet my real father..."After that I explained all what I did to my husband and told him the truth.
My son and I went to psychologist who said that it was a usual teenager act because my husband is a bad person because he has requirements and my ex-friend is a good person because he doesn't have requirements.Also the psychologist said that my son will understand who his parent is when he will be an adult and It is right to inform him abouth his true descent but it had to be done in joint action .My husband and I had to explain him that he has two fathers-one who is'responsible' for his birth and second/but the most important/ father who takes care and loves him.It is better my son to learn about his origin from us instead to learn it in independent way...But I wasn't able to tell the truth to my husband...I was scared...
Everything is upside down.My ex-friend and my son's biofather lost his interest in his son two weeks after their first meeting and moved out of the city.My son is out of control.He keeps telling us that his father/my husband/ is not his father and I am a b*tch/maybe he is right here/.My husband is in depression and he hasn't talked to us since he knew the truth.
What I have to do?How to correct the situation?Please,give me ideas.
Thank you in advance and...don't judge me.I feel guilty myself without your judgement.

I know you don't want to hear it but this is why its important to be honest in all your relationships. All you can do at this point is keep being honest in your motives with your friend, husband and son. You should not make arrangements to see the X without your husband present. Just turn the tables around and treat people how you would like to be treated in the situation.

MicheleEB · May 6, 2007, 01:58 PM

Ok really get the paternity test, because if there is one thing I know it is biology, are you RH-?? Was your pregnancy considered an "at risk" pregnancy? Check your blood type, if you are an RH- then chances are your hubby is the father.
The reason that I ask about the at risk pregnancy is because of this;
Basically if the mother is RH- and the baby is RH+, the mothers blood will actually think that the baby's blood is an infection and therefore (I know creapy) the mother will spontaneously abort the baby putting it nicely, basically the mothers antibodies will kill the infant. So most likely it sounds like you as well have RH- blood.

ScottGem · May 7, 2007, 05:34 AM

Originally Posted by MicheleEB

Ok really get the paternity test, because if there is one thing I know it is biology, are you RH-??? Was your pregnancy considered an "at risk" pregnancy? Check your blood type, if you are an RH- then chances are your hubby is the father.
The reason that I ask about the at risk pregnancy is because of this;
Basically if the mother is RH- and the baby is RH+, the mothers blood will actually think that the baby's blood is an infection and therefore (i know creapy) the mother will spontaneously abort the baby putting it nicely, basically the mothers antibodies will kill the infant. So most likely it sounds like you as well have RH- blood.

Well looks like biology is not that much your strong suit. You are correct that when the baby's blood is a different RH factor from the mother's this can cause the antibodies from the mother's blood to attacks the red corpuscles in the baby's body. But this issue first came to light over 50 years ago. I know because I was a so-called blue baby (because a lack of red corpuscles doesn't allow enough oxygen to the baby causing it to appear blue). I had an exchange transfusion at birth thanks to an alert maternity room nurse and my mom's OB/Gyn who were up on the latest lit. The issue of the RH factor was just becoming known then. Nowadays (even 14 years ago when the OP's child was born), its SOP to check the baby and monitor this issue. A difference in RH factor is no longer a major danger.

Nor would the difference cause a spontaneous abortion. If undetected, it might cause the death of the fetus. That would cause the abortion. But a more likely scenario would be a stillborn child.

MicheleEB · May 7, 2007, 10:10 AM

Scott I would really appreciate if you would stop criticizing my every post. I have a degree in biology and for all of you who would like to read more about it here is a website, I will post more if necessary.
Rh Negative

MicheleEB · May 7, 2007, 10:13 AM

Rh Factor in Pregnancy

What Is Rh Incompatibility?

Rh Factor : American Pregnancy Association

Just a couple of websites that discuss Rh factors.