[exwhyzee]

My girlfriend is going through a really tough time with her family, who live across the country. I am having trouble dealing with her troubles and need help and guidance.

I will start by giving you a bit of background on her situation:

Her father cheated on her mother when she was 10 and they divorced.

He hastily remarried and made a mistake because the women her married did not love or respect his children, particularly my girlfriend.

The stepmother created many many problems for my girlfriend growing up and even continues even today, for example now that my girlfriend is in college her stepmother does not want to allow her to come back to visit her father or younger brothers.

My girlfriend would tirelessly complain to her father about how poorly she was being treated by her step mother, yet he never did anything of note to help and he continually condemned my girlfriend "immature".

My girlfriend seems to believe that her father does not really love his new wife, but she believes that they are staying together because he thinks it may ruin his career if he goes through another divorce, ironically he happens to be a pastor, so much for preaching forgiveness.

Both her step mother and even her father seem so unloving, selfish, and irrational, and there seems to be nothing I can do.

Last week I thought a miracle occurred when I heard that the step mom moved out because she was having an affair with one of my girlfriends fathers 'friends'. I immediately thought that this was a freebie, better yet a gift from God, for her father to finally get his life and his family back together.

The stage was set, and they both wanted to move quickly through the divorce. When they met three days later to divide up the assets, she broke down and apologized and just like that they were back together again. This was terribly painful for my girlfriend, who at this point, "hates her stepmother and would hurt her if she got the chance."

The problem for me is that I understand how she rightfully hates her stepmother, but I do not understand how she can continue to put up with and to love so deeply her father who constantly making these rash selfish decisions, that hurt her and her brothers so much.

I have spent countless hours with her dealing with these issues. I try to offer her hope and love, but she almost recoils at my care. She feels that she does not want anyone to control her life, she wants to be in control so nobody can hurt her. She feels that she is the only person who is looking out for her and thinks she has to adapt her life to only serve herself.

I continue to offer my love and support and she says at times that she loves me, which I think is maybe her way of keeping me around and inspiring me to put up with all of this. Sadly she also says that she does not want to count on anyone, which also speaks volumes. What all this tells me is that she is closing her heart as I am opening mine up to her, and this rejection of my open heart hurts me personally, but it hurts so much deeper to know that she could go through her whole life with a cold and closed heart.

Sometimes when she is really upset I end up taking a lot of verbal abuse and somehow she turns her anger away from her family and directs it at me, while all I want to do is help and love her.

What can I do to give her more hope and show her a better way to live and inspire her to love others as she is shutting down her heart and becoming very selfish. How can I communicate better with her and prevent her anger which is rooted by her family problems off and away from me and our relationship? Thanks for reading and have a great day!


Desperately trying to save a heart.

[talaniman]

Back off and let her vent without offering your opinion. Be a good listener by being there, but keep your opinions to yourself.

[exwhyzee]

Thanks for your response talaniman, I think I need to be a better active listener... Active listening - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Not imposing my thoughts but rather helping her come to her own conclusions... Well see...

[Secret_J]

Sometimes if you are angry and want to lash out on someone, it's going to be the person closest to you. I know you can't stand for her being upset. I know it's really hard to see someone you love crying and in pain but family problems are hard, respect that. You made it already clear to her that you are there for her for love and support. Leave it be. Let her come to you when she wants to talk it out.