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tiredandlonely · Apr 22, 2007, 09:13 AM

Here we go. I was with a girl for 16 months. She broke up with me over a month ago. We had several issues that affected our relationship. About two months into the relationship she had cheated on me. She told me about the affair 5 months after it had happened. I was heart broken back then, but forgave her. Several months after the cheating, she had taken some of my pain meds that were prescribed for an injury, and wisdom teeth. I forgave her for that. This ultimately affected our sex life to a degree that we didn't always have a great sexual relationship.

Some other factors that we had was that I lived about an hour from her, and I worked all the time to pay for things for our anticipated future together. I busted my butt to build up the bank account and worked very hard for a future us, but I worked so much sometimes that I forgot about the present. We spent time together, but I was tired a lot, and we fought about that. We always had fought, and we always reconciled it. We both did a lot of talking.

Recently, back in Valentines weekend, we had fought again, and this time I was done with the relationship. I had enough of it, I was intending on it being over. She cried and begged me to stay, and refused to let me drive away. Eventually I did drive away, but I got back with her a few days later. We had planned on going to Florida and made reservations for March.

In the meantime her uncle had died in a fire, she came to my house that weekend , and we had a very nice weekend together. That following weekend was the scheduled funeral. Friday came around and there was an open shift at work, so I asked her about that, she had no problem with it. I came to her house at 4am that day from work, and left a nice very expensive bracelet on the counter with a note telling her that I loved her. That morning I woke up a few hours later, and woke up to her yelling at me and being in a very bad mood. I took this as stress from the death. I blew it off, on the way there she told me that the bracelet was "nice", it was the most expensive and best thing I had ever gotten for anyone. At the funeral she ignored me and didn't talk very much. I was offended and hurt. I went to work that same day after the funeral and talked to her the next afternoon. We got into an argument and she told me she didn't care if I came to her house that following week. We had made arrangement of spening about a week and a half together, she got a food order together, planned meals and we felt good about this. All of the sudden we had been arguing over stupid things, and being stubborn I told her I wasn't going to her house that week. There had been a lot of stress to begin with, her uncle died, her dad was drinking because of the death, and he is an alcoholic, the mother was getting on the father about the drinking, and the father was in turn going to leave the mother. On top of this, she had financial problems that were stressing her, and the clincher was the one day that I was supposed to be there was for her mothers birthday and I was to get a gift certificate. The night of the birthday party, I received a phone call from her telling me that it was over between us without any real reason other than she doesn't love me anymore and the thoughts of marriage we had planned were not really what she wanted. I was devastated and did not understand, so I did the classic mistakes of calling and trying to find out the problem and sending flowers. She had been really adamant about not talking to me and was hostile. I left things go for a few weeks, and called her about getting my belongings at her house. SHe was more pleasant and she explained in detail why she wouldn't be available to meet that weekend, instead of accepting this, I called her and told her that I was on my way to get my stuff. This only made her hostile I believe towards me. We got into a huge argument, then she told me to leave and not talk to her again. About 10 minutes later she called me to tell me that I was acting crazy, I told her I was only acting that way because she broke my heart. We talked for about a half hour an then ended the conversation. She was talking about eventually being friends. She has some very cherised items at my house and still has them there since the breakup. Initially she was going to get them about two weeks ago, but I haven't heard anything from her. We did communicate via email and text message once in a while after that. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks. Another huge mistake that I made was that I asked for the jewlrey back that I gave her. I got the bracelet and a necklace. I feel really bad about asking for it back, so I just mailed it back to her the other day. I sent a short little note, basically thanking her for meeting her, and wished her luck. I had intentions of making her wonder what I was doing. I want her to take a look at the whole picture to see if that is what she really wants to do. I just can't explain how she had changed in a few weeks. I don't think there is another guy involved at all. This issue to me is more of needs issue, I wasn't there to satisfy her needs of family commitment in her time of need. How do I show her that I made a mistake? I realize now that she is not here, how much I truly do love her. I am madly in love with her, but never let myself believe that. Ultimately she told me that I had too much of a guard up and that she didn't love me anymore. How do you go from passionately telling and crying to me that you love me so much, then 3 weeks later you don't and the relationship is over.

Could this be a case of too much stress at one time and she had to deal with it some way, and that way was to get rid of me? I understand some of my actions probably pushed her away more, but how can I get her back? I really truly think this can be worked out. I am hoping that by sending the jewellery back that is a start.

I am looking for advice on what do do next? I have read some of the articles from other that say not to call or anything like that, but I think the circumstances are different than my own. Is there a way that I should handle this to get her back?

Fr_Chuck · Apr 22, 2007, 09:56 AM

You are wording this so that all of the problems are hers, many of your actions were also to the point of almost unforgivable. I think you should realise that both of you made seroius mistakes and that you need to call her and tell her you were totally wrong and you are sorry.
** but again only if you beleve you are and if you are really sorry.

You seem to relate what you buy and spend as being inportant, and also mention sex a lot, not a closeness or a caring relationship at all.

And then you sent the gift back telling her it was all her fault for changing.

So I would say it is over and you need just to move on, and maybe use this as a serious learning lesson on how not to be a boyfriend, and be much more caring and loving next time.

tiredandlonely · Apr 22, 2007, 01:41 PM

That is the furthest thing from the truth. I really do recognize that I had issues as well. I care about her more than you can know. I didn't realize what I had until I lost her. I took the relationship for granted. We both had our issues, but for the most part we stuck it out. I would definetely like to make another go at it. I don't intend to blame her for all of this. I know it was both of us. The sex is secondary to me, I do care about her, and I tried to show that without the sex. I just showed it the wrong way. I did not intend to buy her love, I really wanted to show her how I truly do love her.

We both have changed in the relationship, I feel a lot for the good. I know that I have issue to change, and I intend on doing that. I am willing to relocate, and give up my part time job in order to be with her.

I understand that you are telling me that I should move on, but I am just looking to see if there would possibly any chance of getting back together. I mean she is the one that I truly do care about, and it took this big eye opener to realize. Now that I realize it, I don't ever want to lose her. I want to be with her for life. I would really like to marry this woman one day, when we sort things out.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 22, 2007, 01:44 PM

Can you get the ex back. The answer, the best answer is no. Why would you. An ex is an ex for a reason. Your both responsible for what things took place and it is better to move on and learn from this.

Joe

mckenzie134 · Apr 22, 2007, 04:42 PM

Go no contact its your only hope she has to contact you

talaniman · Apr 22, 2007, 04:53 PM

There is no one in the world who can say that an ex will come back or not. All you can do is accept she is gone now, and work on getting your life and feelings under control, and be ready for what life throws at you next. Leave her alone to deal with her own feelings and issues, and you do the same and see what the future brings.

tiredandlonely · Apr 23, 2007, 04:30 AM

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

Go no contact its your only hope she has to contact you

Basically I have gone with out contacting her for over two weeks now. I sent her jewellery back this past Friday. What is a good amount of time to have nc with her?

Jiser · Apr 23, 2007, 04:32 AM

For ever! And until you no longer care, maybe you can be friends or more then, in all honesty though you probably won't want her back then.

tiredandlonely · Apr 23, 2007, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by Jiser

For ever !! and until you no longer care, maybe you can be friends or more then, in all honesty though you probably wont want her back then.

I am not angry with her at all. I am more upset on how I dealt with the relationship. I feel with another chance, I can straighten this all out.

tiredandlonely · Apr 23, 2007, 04:40 AM

Originally Posted by Jiser

For ever !! and until you no longer care, maybe you can be friends or more then, in all honesty though you probably wont want her back then.

Can I ask you, if you and your ex broke up for the third time, why would you tell me to have no contact forever!! Do you not practice what you preach? I haven't gotten her back, I am trying and apparently you have done the same thing. I would like some insigt what you logic is on that, or how you wenT about getting her back?

talaniman · Apr 23, 2007, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by tiredandlonely

Basically I have gone with out contacting her for over two weeks now. I sent her jewelery back this past friday. What is a good amount of time to have nc with her?

Let her call you, and you should be building a life without her that makes you happy.

tiredandlonely · Apr 23, 2007, 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Let her call you, and you should be building a life without her that makes you happy.

That is the toughest part. She was what made me happy. I have been talking with two women since. The one was an ex from like 3 years ago. She wants more but, I told her that I need to get through all of this first. I really don't have any real interest right now, I just want what I had. The toughest part is waiting for that call. I think I will get one. As a matter of fact, I think she tried calling me about two weeks after we broke up. I received a blocked phone call at 3am one night, a night that I was working until 3am, the only one that would have known that was here.

talaniman · Apr 23, 2007, 06:26 AM

She was what made me happy.

If that's the case you have a problem as its not up to her to make you happy, its up to you. That's what you need to do now. Leave her alone, and learn to make yourself happy. Depending on someone else is unrealistic, and very unhealthy.

tiredandlonely · Apr 23, 2007, 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

If thats the case you have a problem as its not up to her to make you happy, its up to you. Thats what you need to do now. Leave her alone, and learn to make yourself happy. Depending on someone else is unrealistic, and very unhealthy.

It is not that I wasn't happy with out her, it was that I was happy whether I was with her or if I wasn't. Now that the relationship is over, I have been so devastated about not having her, that I haven't been allowing myself for the most part to be happy. Sort of like I am punishing myself for this relationship ending. I know that we both made mistakes, but I tend to shoulder all of the blame on myself. So in turn, I can't see myself being happy until I can make ammends for the whole problem. Trust me, My life is not all unhappy right now, I do make an effort to get out there with friends and family and I feel good at times, but the times that I am by myself, or even at work are very tough and sad. My happiness doesn't depend on one person, but my sadness is over playing my happiness right now.

talaniman · Apr 23, 2007, 06:52 AM

There ar no amends to make except to yourself.

OnlyOnex · May 1, 2007, 05:54 PM

Hi, I just wanted to say Im in a situation almost exactally like yours. I dated my ex for a year and 1/2 and he has been the only guy I have ever fallen in love with, He was my first love and who I lost my virginity to. I gave him everything, And I loved him with all of my heart. But after about a year and 3 months we started to fight a lot, About things that really you don't need to fight about. And I was young so I was very emotional at the time, and my emotions would run up and down everywhere and he would say I did something wrong, and he would be mad and I would cry. And over a period the fighting just got worse and worse, I was so stressed out, and unhappy with the was our amazing relationship had turned out to be. So, one day I was working and this guy maybe 2 years older than me looked at me, and smiled and I just looked back, thinking oh he's cute, and nothingelse but that, when I came home that day from work I came home to a message on my myspace from him, that said "having fun at work" and we just started talking everyday after that, I didn't think anything of it because he had a girlfriend and I had my boyfriend, But being in all the wars of fighting with my boyfriend, I started to be happy talking to this guy, and My feelings for my ex began to fade away, so I broke up with my boyfriend, and this guy broke up with his girlfriend because him and his girlfriend were also having a lot of problems at the time, and we started dating... The whole time I was dating this guy my ex would call me leaving me messages crying and telling me how much he loved me, and one night at work(because we worked together) he stopped me and grabbed my hand and was almost in tears and kissed me.. and I still loved him... I just was so confused and all I could think about at the time was "omg i just cheate on my boyfriend" ALL OF THIS was mistakes and not thinking about what I was doing, because not even a month after being with this guy he was an and I heard he cheated on me, and of course him being the way he was would never tell me the truth, so I never knew if he honestly did.. but now I have a almost 99 percent knowing in my heart he did.. And I was devistated by this because I had built strong feelings for this other guy, and not my ex, when my ex was really the one who loved me with all of his heart... now he's over me.. and I'm sitting here crying every night, wanting to be with the only love of my life :'''''''[

tiredandlonely · May 2, 2007, 05:26 AM

[And over a period the fighting just got worse and worse, I was so stressed out, and unhappy with the was our amazing relationship had turned out to be.]

I guess that is sort of how our relationship was going also. I want to get her back. I actually talked to psychologist about this, and he definetley thinks that she cares about me, and that we both need to work things out. He understands that I can't move on right now until I know for sure if she wants to be with me or not. On a female perspective, would it be better if I tried to get her back, or should I sit back and wait for her?

talaniman · May 2, 2007, 06:23 AM

would it be better if I tried to get her back, or should I sit back and wait for her?

Again, leave her alone and let her call you. Take the time t work on your own issues and focus on getting you own emotions under control. If she has not called since the break, chances are she has moved on and putting your life on hold waiting for a maybe is not healthy, and you should move on. Accept that her mind is made up, and yours isn't.

shirley-anne · May 2, 2007, 06:35 AM

You seem to have taken ownership of your mistakes in the relationship, but a little too late though. In your statement it appeared that your were always justifying your actions. You thought that the fights would lead to reconciliation like before and they didn't this time. Not what you expected and now, that it's too late, you realize that it's not what you want. If you have asked her all the "why's" she has given you the answers already and I don't think they're the ones you wanted to hear. You can either sit back and wait or move on. Who knows what will happen.

SAB123 · May 2, 2007, 06:56 AM

Originally Posted by shirley-anne

. You can either sit back and wait or move on. Who knows what will happen.

What if she never comes back... HHMMM you'll be waiting a long time for nothing. Move on get healty. And if she comes back you will be a stronger person and if she doesn't you'll be healty.