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You2464 · Feb 16, 2016, 10:59 PM

Hi.

So recently, I moved from Oklahoma to Colorado (2 months ago). I went from living on my own as an 18 year old working three jobs in high school, to living with my father and his family. Now I am not working, continuing high school, and am emotionally wrecked as of this moment.

Allow me to explain.
In my high school career, I was known to be a "player". I didn't try to be; I always strive to be a gentleman and treat girls with respect. But any relationship that I started only seemed to last about two months or so before ending abruptly. The longest relationship I have had was about six months and ended because I developed severe depression after one of my best friends committed suicide. We both knew that I wasn't capable of having a healthy relationship, so we ended it.

All told, I had dated 11 girls while living in Oklahoma. I do not know why I dated so much, but soon after breaking up, I would start finding other girls attractive and flirting, which led to more dating.

Fast forward to Colorado. Not three weeks after I had arrived at my new school, I started dating a girl. We had met two weeks before and she was a freshman while I am a senior. We dated for three weeks before I ended it. Now, three weeks later, I am dating my current girlfriend. And here is where my dilemma comes in to play.I have always been a very touchy-feely person; I like to hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc... My current girlfriend has never really been in a relationship before, so I don't know if it is because of that, but she seems very distant all the time. Granted, there are times when she seems happy to be around me, but most of the time it is like I am the only one in the relationship. We just started dating, and I realize that she is new to this and it might take her time to grow comfortable with showing affection, but I feel like I am crowding her while at the same time not getting what I want out of the relationship (which is to feel wanted by someone else). I want to feel a real connection with someone. But I really care about this girl; she is beautiful, nice, extremely smart, and witty.

I am a sucker for romance movies and I want to feel that unconditional love for someone (yes I know that is cheesy and made up for the movie, but I know people who have that and I am extremely envious of them).

So, there are two questions:
1. Should I continue with this relationship in the hope that she will learn to show affection, or should I end it while it's a relatively new relationship?
2. Why do I always seem to have to have a girlfriend? I want to be independent, but when I am single I feel so lonely. But at the same time, when I am in a relationship, I can't keep it together longer than a month or two...

Any advice is welcome, just please don't rip my head off. ;)

Thanks,
Chase.

talaniman · Feb 17, 2016, 04:17 AM

By your own words this new relationship won't last much longer, and you are off to the races yet again. You seem to be a hopeless romantic stuck on your own needs and expecting others to fulfill them. Maybe instead of criticising others you should look at yourself and start dealing with your own issues instead of foisting them on others. How is that even fair, to them or yourself?

Yes I have read all your other posts and they all reek of an unhealthy selfishness, and the inability to see it, understand it, and deal with it. That makes YOU the unhealthy part of any dating relationship, and no doubt you suck all the fun out of them eventually, and blame them, and not yourself. For such a smart enterprising guy a you seem to be that's either very immature, or extremely angry and handling it badly.

It's very simple my young friend, stay out of relationships and work on your own issues. Maybe a strong male figure can guide you so at this point talk to your dad, or a school counselor or teacher to get a handle on the root causes of your own anger based selfishness, that I suspect are fear. Fear of what I don't know, maybe being uprooted from familiar surroundings, but for sure you need a better outlet than chasing females.

Are you hearing me?

joypulv · Feb 17, 2016, 04:49 AM

She's a FRESHMAN, worlds apart from a SENIOR. Yes, I want to rip your head off. A player who gets a somewhat recalcitrant girlfriend (showing that she is not only smart, but wise too) and is suddenly an emotional wreck is about as smart and mature as a doorknob. I suspect that she suspects that you want it all, don't know what you want, and are all conflicted and confused.

PS: unconditional love is an attribute of infants and dogs ONLY

1. end it
2. because you are insecure in yourself. Instead of waiting for her to 'learn to show affection' (UGH, how presumptive can you be? Maybe she just doesn't want to be, with YOU, or any number of reasons, such as it's way too soon, or she's too young, or she isn't so sure she's all that attracted to you), YOU are the one who needs to learn something, and that is how to live with yourself.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 17, 2016, 05:35 AM

You call it a player, and I guess, if high school has not changed a lot, from my days, relationships lasting 3 months or less was about normal, I think I had 4 or 5 that lasted only a week (if you can call it a relationship)

In most, from my high school days, you just dated, one girl this week, perhaps another next and so on, there were no real serious relationships for a while.

I will not even attack a senior dating a freshman, that was also normal in high school for many.

But as noted, if they were not dating before being a freshman, they are not going to be touchy feely and they are not going to be having sex (or should not)

But then today, many girls start dating at 13, so it is hard to say.

I think, and will be different from the others, you date, have fun, but always be honest.

Oliver2011 · Feb 17, 2016, 06:59 AM

“… just please don't rip my head off”

You don’t get to make that call.

You call it being a player and I see it as you are very immature and don’t know what a real relationship is. That’s not a bad thing, you just have some growing up to do. It almost sounds like you have to be in a relationship and it makes me wonder why that is the case. Some people do that because they can’t stand being alone. Others have a variety of reasons. Either case you won’t experience true love until you mature more.

Cat1864 · Feb 17, 2016, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by You2464

Fast forward to Colorado. Not three weeks after I had arrived at my new school, I started dating a girl. We had met two weeks before and she was a freshman while I am a senior. We dated for three weeks before I ended it. Now, three weeks later, I am dating my current girlfriend.

I am a sucker for romance movies and I want to feel that unconditional love for someone (yes I know that is cheesy and made up for the movie, but I know people who have that and I am extremely envious of them).

Thanks,
Chase.

Chase, it is time for you to stop jumping from one relationship to another and start building a relationship with yourself.

I have a strong impression that your parents and other adults in your life did not do a good job of showing you what a successful relationship is. I get the feeling that they taught you that people you care about don't stay around. They may have accidentally taught you to let go/leave before you get too close and left an impression that you aren't loveable. I will almost bet that most of your relationships ended when you started believing that someone could really care about you or they got tired of trying to convince you that they care.

Unconditional love is what you give yourself. Affection from others should enhance what you already feel inside. If you don't care about yourself, then no matter how much another person tries to love you, it won't be enough to fill the void.

Romance movies and books are extremely misleading. If you ask the people you know who seem to have 'unconditional' love for each other about their relationships, you find there is a lot of hard work, compromise, communication, understanding, etc. in keeping a relationship viable. Many, if they are honest, will tell you there are times they think about walking away. Instead of giving up, they work harder to be together instead of relying on the movie magic of Happily Ever-After.

How long have you been dating the new female? Weeks or days?

You have expectations for the relationship that are all about you getting your needs met. However, I don't think you have thought about what her thoughts and needs are. She may be the type of female who likes to get to know someone before she gets touchy-feely. She may come from a culture/background that encourages females to be careful and not jump into 'intimate' relationships. She may not trust your motives if you are attempting to rush into any type of physical contact.

Either talk with her and find a compromise or leave her alone. Either way, work on learning how to be comfortable with yourself and your own company.

Oh, and give up Romance Movies for awhile. Try focusing on movies and books that are more about the emotional/mental growth of the main character.

catonsville · Feb 17, 2016, 10:10 AM

A side note, you are 18+ and she is like 15, you also need to pursue girls more your age.

Cat1864 · Feb 17, 2016, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by You2464

Fast forward to Colorado. Not three weeks after I had arrived at my new school, I started dating a girl. We had met two weeks before and she was a freshman while I am a senior. We dated for three weeks before I ended it. Now, three weeks later, I am dating my current girlfriend. .

Just pointing out that the 'freshman' is a separate female from his 'current girlfriend'. He hasn't said how old the 'current girlfriend' is.

catonsville · Feb 17, 2016, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Just pointing out that the 'freshman' is a separate female from his 'current girlfriend'. He hasn't said how old the 'current girlfriend' is.

Very true but his current girlfriend may be 14 for all we know. Since she is not up to speed with dating and touchy feely.

You2464 · Feb 17, 2016, 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by catonsville

Very true but his current girlfriend may be 14 for all we know. Since she is not up to speed with dating and touchy feely.

My current girlfriend has just turned 17 and is a junior. In all honesty, I am not looking for sex in any relationships as I do not want to pressure anyone into anything. Sex comes much, much, much later. So to everyone insinuating that I am in relationships for the physical aspect, you are incorrect. I respect women and think they should be treated with dignity.

Also, UPDATE:

Today, my current girlfriend showed her first REAL sign of affection towards me; she gave me a kiss on the cheek in front of all her friends and asked if we could hold hands down the hall. This somewhat changes my perspective. Maybe she wants to show affection but doesn't know how. I am trying to give her all the time and space she would need to figure it out.

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You have expectations for the relationship that are all about you getting your needs met. However, I don't think you have thought about what her thoughts and needs are. She may be the type of female who likes to get to know someone before she gets touchy-feely. She may come from a culture/background that encourages females to be careful and not jump into 'intimate' relationships. She may not trust your motives if you are attempting to rush into any type of physical contact.

I have not tried to rush her into any kind of physical contact; I have asked politely if she would like to hold my hand while walking together, and today, she initiated it. All I want is for her to be happy, so yes, I do think that I am thinking about her needs and wants as well as my own, if not more than my own.

You2464 · Feb 17, 2016, 02:52 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Yes I have read all your other posts and they all reek of an unhealthy selfishness, and the inability to see it, understand it, and deal with it. That makes YOU the unhealthy part of any dating relationship, and no doubt you suck all the fun out of them eventually, and blame them, and not yourself. For such a smart enterprising guy a you seem to be that's either very immature, or extremely angry and handling it badly.

Last time I checked, this is a site for asking any question; I am not asking how anyone else feels about anything or how I can help others. I am asking about myself, so yes, my posts should seem self-centered, don't you think? I appreciate the advice but please do not call me selfish/self-centered. I have many other aspects to my personality one cannot understand through three or four posts on a website. Also, those posts are from MONTHS ago, almost a YEAR ago. I have grown more as a person than most people would like to believe in that span of time. Thank you.

You2464 · Feb 17, 2016, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

But as noted, if they were not dating before being a freshman, they are not going to be touchy feely and they are not going to be having sex (or should not)

I have not pressured anyone into having sex. Refer to one of my previous replies.

joypulv · Feb 17, 2016, 03:27 PM

I still find one tiny word extremely loaded and distressing. "Should I continue with this relationship in the hope that she will LEARN to show affection." What a mature young man would say is DECIDE.

Today wasn't much better, saying maybe she 'doesn't know how.' Again, you give her no power of decision based on just not being sure how much she likes you and how much she wants to jump in. After all, you are gone in a few months.

This may seem really picky to you, but I assure you, in 10 years you will understand.

smoothy · Feb 17, 2016, 03:45 PM

Have to spread the rep jopulv. Because that is so very, very true... Young people believe people can be changed to suit their wants... or will "Learn" to see things their way. And then they wonder why things fall apart when it never happens.

You don't make them learn anything... you don't change someone into what you want them to be... people are who they are and it takes a life altering incident (like nearly taking their last breath) before they MIGHT change.. and even then, its into what THEY want... not what you want. You find someone that fits what you like... or you continue to date until you find someone that does... and even then... it might not work out... because it's the nature of things that young people don't know what they want until they are in their early 20's at the earliest. WHat you think you want at 16 is never what you want at 17 or 18, and what you want when in High-school, is never what you want when you are in your early 20's and find out what the real world is actually like and the reality of being able to only do what you can afford to do.

Its part of growing up. Nobody knows it all in their teens. Particularly those that think they do... you only know what you want now... and now is a very fleeting thing... because now doesn't stay now for long... and everything changes with time.

Heck..even what you want at 25 isn't going to be what you want at 35 or 45...

DoulaLC · Feb 17, 2016, 03:49 PM

Perhaps she prefers to take things more slowly than you. There's nothing to learn about showing affection. Either you eventually feel it or you don't. Be very careful not to assume someone will automatically show affection the same way or as quickly as you do. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, just different.

Continue to just enjoy getting to know each other. Try not to jump too far ahead or over analyze things. Dating is all about getting to know different people and learning what you like or don't like; what you value or don't value, and what really matters to you. This also helps you to grow and learn what someone else will expect from YOU in a relationship.

talaniman · Feb 17, 2016, 04:25 PM

You don't like being called selfish? What would you call a person who was ready to dump a girl for not showing you affection (And being distant, whatever that means), without even talking to her? That was the context of this post, and the context of your other ones as well. No doubt you have grown in previous months/a year, and I am glad,and no doubt you will grow even more, just trying to point you to some patience with others and maybe some honest communications given your experience level with relationships.

Isn't that the foundations of giving respect to a partner, letting them deal with you in there own time and way? Another point was you asked TWO questions, the second being,

So, there are two questions:
1. Should I continue with this relationship in the hope that she will learn to show affection, or should I end it while it's a relatively new relationship?
2. Why do I always seem to have to have a girlfriend? I want to be independent, but when I am single I feel so lonely. But at the same time, when I am in a relationship, I can't keep it together longer than a month or two...

To which I replied

By your own words this new relationship won't last much longer, and you are off to the races yet again. You seem to be a hopeless romantic stuck on your own needs and expecting others to fulfill them.

So how long will a peck on the cheek and holding hands keep you with THIS female?