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Elvisrosas · Jun 20, 2015, 04:30 AM

Hello
Recently I met this girl we are going decent I like her, but for some reason I do not want to be too close to her per the past experiences I had with relationships I get hurt every time into relationships and end having trust issues well now I have been having thoughts of her cheating on me if we were in a relationship and all sorts of horrible joy. Now I am not talking to her because I am so afraid of getting hurt again. Very strange that she only replies a couple times a day but still have feelings. At this point I don't know how to maintain my emotions and my thoughts to not affect my future relationship or my dating life. Does any one have any advise on trust issues or these kind of thoughts? Please let me know I want to trust her but it is pretty hard and don't want to feel like getting hurt. Is it my behavior? I treat her very nicely try my best to make her happy? Any help on over coming fear and thoughts please thank you very much

Jake2008 · Jun 20, 2015, 05:17 AM

There are no guarantees that you will not be hurt, betrayed, and have your life turned (temporarily) upside down, if, and when a relationship should fail.

On the other hand, to live your life as though it is a certainty that any relationship WILL fail, you are risking never finding a solid relationship that lasts.

Compromise, and common sense should dictate that any new relationship, entered into cautiously, should, over time, allow you the freedom to be confident in either letting a relationship go, or keeping a relationship going.

Just what is it you are afraid of?

If you have 10 bad relationships, or relationships that end badly, does that mean that the 11th one will end in another disaster, so why bother even trying?

I don't know if you have really examined why you have developed this negative way of thinking about all relationships. Are there common threads? Similar characteristics in all the potential mates? Do you know when you first had doubts, and dealt with them- or did you deal with them at all?

The initial stages of euphoria wear off eventually, and then it is the further commitment that, over time, develops into a deeper love and affection between two people. Have you ever reached that stage?

I am wondering if it isn't so much that the relationships ended badly, with you being the one hurt, or that you were a little too easy to read, and potential partners began to back away- maybe that caused you to feel rejected? If you are always the victim here, and now in your post you indicate that you end things even before becoming that victim, perhaps the problem lies with you, and not them.

At some point you make a decision to walk away, without reason, other than fear of being that victim. Maybe if you trusted a little more, and talked a little more you might find that what you need might not be so difficult to find. But, you don't seem to even get that far.

If you cannot figure why things happen the way they do, I would suggest you get yourself into therapy, and find out why you can't seem to break this destructive pattern. Maybe it is you, maybe it is the type of person you attract, maybe it is immaturity, or lack of confidence, or the inability to deal with failure.

It would be a shame to continue living this way.

talaniman · Jun 20, 2015, 06:58 AM

Still haven't figured YOURSELF out yet huh? If you cannot just enjoy dating, then don't date. How long have you been seeing this person?

Joann Vasquez · Jun 20, 2015, 07:52 AM

I suggest you work on resolving your trust issues with a professional. In my opinion its not fair making someone pay for others mistakes. Everyone is different with different values,point of views etc. Relationships are not easy and both parties have to keep working on the relationship to make it work. Just ask yourself this, would you like it if a girl would treat you like a cheater when you know your not. If you keep on with this behavior, all your relationships will be ( and im sorry to say this but) they'll be a total failure. Trust is on the most important element in a relationship, and a must if you want to ever have a successful relationship. GOOD LUCK

AtLarge · Jun 21, 2015, 01:09 PM

No easy answers to a struggle that both men and women have. And you are right, these types of feelings can undermine and destroy a relationship. There are some very good books out there that could help. (Way less expensive than therapy - which can also be good.) One I found recently is Receiving Live by Hendrix. In the end I think you have to assume the best but at the same time know that you can handle the worst. Way easier said than done!!