[seretoninlevels]

My fiance's family is super religious. His father is a pastor. I am not. I am a psychologist. I have been told repeatedly that psychology is stupid. No matter what I do it is wrong. They barely know me. They have said I am the reason their son has stepped away from the family. They believe I don't want him to visit without me, etc. They say I meddle in family business. I only support my fiancé. I encourage him. He forces me to attend visits, I encourage him to go alone. My "meddling" is me getting involved when they ask my fiancé specific things about me or our relationship. I get insulted being called immature and stupid for trying to agree to disagree on beliefs. I try to build relationships but as I said I am apparently always wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. What more can I do?

[talaniman]

Stop listening to, and arguing with, these idiots. You have given them far more importance than they deserve. You should know you will never change their minds so tell your fiancé he is on his own when he wants a visit.

Yes those uncivilized, control freaks, will beetch about that too. SO WHAT?

[Wondergirl]

I'm the daughter of a conservative Lutheran pastor and am a psychotherapist. I wonder if your fiance's father thinks of psychology in terms of Freudian therapy/psychoanalysis (and all the sexual buzzwords that are associated) and maybe the atheism of Albert Ellis (Rational-Emotive Therapy) and his followers.

Actually, psychology, as you know, can be quite Christian with its unconditional positive regard, empathy, efforts to help a client become a fully-functioning person, and the client-centered counseling of Carl Rogers and others like him.

If your fiance's family's beef with the psychology career or is it about something else? Their flatly saying "psychology is stupid" doesn't seem like enough of a hook to hang their dislike of you on.

[Jake2008]

Your fiancé's family are not going to budge. They do not sound like the type of people who would respect any person their son was going to marry, unless they chose her themselves! Or at the very least, held a major vote in their son's choice.

Their anger and disappointment at their son, for not choosing a wife who they would better approve of, comes out in ways only that are obvious- and that would be unreasonable, rude, disrespectful comments toward you.

It has nothing to do with your occupation. You could be flipping burgers at McDonald's and if they took a dislike to you, they would be just as harsh and critical.

My opinion is, that if they are this way before you marry their son, they will not likely be much different afterward, and maybe even worse, because they will consider the marriage a mistake. Be prepared to be the one who is responsible for 'ruining' their son's life, and causing the rifts in the family.

And consider what happens when and if you decide to have children together eventually. With so much disrespect being shown to you now, you can be sure that they will undermine your parenting and your decisions about diet for example, feeling they have authority in that aspect of your life as well. They did after all raise a stellar son, right?

They cannot be changed in my opinion. You would do well to consider all of the facts presented to your current circumstances, and decide how best to deal with his family. That they treat you like this, seems like your fiancé is not setting very good limits or boundaries with them. Is he going to be strong enough to decide that your needs come first? Will he be able to manage some sort of compromise with his family? If he cannot, or will not, you are put in an awkward position, of living your life with him, right along side his family.

There are things you can thing about. One is distance. Can you move a distance away from his family; far enough away that maybe a couple of visits a year to see them would make your life much easier.

Would they, or are they capable in your opinion, of attending family therapy- before you marry him. You may gain some insight as to what is likely to come, by their participation in therapy. Would you consider this a prerequisite to marriage itself?
You would certainly gain insight into how strong your husband to be would be able to assert himself appropriately, with his parents.

Would you and your fiancé consider couples counseling, failing a stab at family therapy? Would he be willing to learn how to set boundaries and settle conflicts and put your needs above those of his parents?

He has had a lifetime of them, and most likely has learned to comfortably live with them as they are, because he has likely had other serious relationships, and I wonder if their influence has ruined those relationships as well?

I guess I'm saying, dig deeper, and face what truths there are to be accepted about both your fiancé, and his family. Together they are a force, and it would be a terrible position for you to be in, to be continuously subjected to their scorn and ridicule, with a fiancé who does not understand, or is unwilling to change his behavior, in order to have them compromise theirs.

You need to come first in this relationship with your fiancé, without worrying about compromising your own principles and boundaries, that in other situations, you wouldn't even consider doing.

[talaniman]

How you and your future husband deal with this together is something to discuss NOW.

[dontknownuthin]

Well, my best friend is a priest with a PhD in counseling. What do they think religious people do with their congregation? It is quite similar, actually. The approach is different but don't both aim to help people with personal problems, to navigate life in a healthier way? I have a therapist and also at times see my priest for advice. The topics are different at times, but it is very similar. As for I laws, be kind but firm. Be tolerant of their opinions but not of bashing. So if they share their disapproval of your profession as a whole, you might respond with a laugh, "obviously I feel differently but that's ok. It isn't for everyone." If they become rude though, you can just respond as is appropriate to rudeness like, "please don't be rude to me. I'm here at your sons invitation to meet you".

[Alty]

This is between you and your fiancé. How does he feel about his family's ideals and the way they treat you? How he reacts will determine your marriage in the future.

In other words, is he willing to lose his family, cut them out of his life, for you? Because that's what it boils down to.