[BirdieEagle]

My girlfriend and I are each in college, 21 years old. We've been dating for a year now, and I honestly can't say I have ever been happier. We met through mutual groups of friends, a group of guys and a group of girls. She and I didn't initially start romantically, she became a good friend for a long time. She and one of my best guy friends, however, had a different relationship. They started a physical, no strings attached thing. We were open with each other so I knew that she was a virgin at this point. I also knew my friend and what he wanted. He wasn't interested in a relationship so I asked her to promise me she wouldn't have sex with him unless they started dating. She had respected her virginity for 20 years so I didn't want her to lose it to a casual fling. She promised me.

They continued their fooling around for about a month, until she abruptly ended it with him and told me the truth about how much she liked me and how guilty being with him made her feel. I had obviously thought about her this way before, but was hanging around with another girl at the time, so nothing happened for several months between us. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that she had been very physical with my friend. (She promised she was still a virgin.) We started dating and a couple months in we had sex. It wasn't awkward like I always hear about between 2 virgins, and our sex life has been extremely successful throughout the relationship.

Last night she told me the truth: that she had sex with the friend, lied to me about it, and kept it a secret for well over a year. Naturally, I am incredibly hurt. Something I have held onto for the last year is the belief that we were special to each other, that we lost it together and that we were the only ones in the world that had ever had sex. However, I understand that I didn't have any control over what she and my friend did, and although she feels guilty, she made the decision at the time. What is more damaging to our relationship, however, is the fact that she has lied to me for well over a year. Something so important to me has been a lie, and she was so selfish and scared to tell me, that she couldn't be truthful with the man she loved. I hate the idea that of the past year, not one single second of it was a 100% honest relationship.

This girl that made me so happy is gone, and all I can think about is that I'm with someone that would prefer to keep her own ambitions above our relationship. We talked it out, and she cried the whole time. She was incredibly sorry it happened and guilt-stricken at keeping it from me for so long. She wants me to forgive her and move on but at this moment, I can't even be with her and if I think about it for more than a minute, I get angry and shaky. I asked her to give me space as I think about what the future of our relationship is.

Does this girl deserve another chance? Last week we talked about baby names. I have always considered her a part of my 5 year plan, and no girl has ever made me happier. But I'm still young and in school, and I don't see how our relationship can ever be the same again. If I decided to end it, she'd be heartbroken and we'd both eventually move on but I don't want to do that. I don't want to lose her. I just don't want to deal with the implications this will have on us, and I don't know how I can ever respect her the same way again. We've taken pride in our relationship. We're always happy, and claimed to be honest with each other. I have never had to worry about her cheating or lying before, but I honestly didn't expect this to be happening either. I'm in a lot of pain right now. Relationships shouldn't be built on a huge lie.

[Alty]

I've asked the mods to break up your post a bit, make paragraphs instead of one long run on sentence, before I read it and post. I tried to read it, but man it was hard with it being one run on paragraph. I got around 3/4 of the way through, so I will post a bit of advice based on what I read, but I didn't read all of it, too hard on the eyes.

Fact is, she wasn't dating you when she had sex with the other guy. Yes you asked her to promise that she wouldn't, and she promised, but she didn't owe you that promise, she was single and free to do what she wanted with her body.

When the two of you started dating I'm sure you made a huge deal out of the fact that you were both virgins and that having sex for the first time would be special because of that. She didn't want to ruin that by telling you that she wasn't a virgin. It must have been so hard for her not to tell you the truth.

She's finally told you the truth. Yes, I'm sure it's a blow to you, and I'm sure that it hurts, but she's still the same person you claim to love, she hasn't changed. You say multiple times how happy she makes you, that you love her. So what's really changed? So she wasn't a virgin like you were when you two first had sex. Who cares? Does that really matter, or does the fact that she's a good person, that you love her, that you're happy with her, that you planned your future with her, matter more than one mistake she made?

[Oliver2011]

Holy freaking crappies drama queen. Oh yeah, this may be a little harsh.

Get over yourself. You ask if she deserves another chance. You are the one who doesn't deserve another chance. What she does before she meets you or before you two are in a relationship is none of your business. Yes she might not have told you the truth. Guess why. She knew how the drama queen would react. It was a conditioned response because she knows you. Tell us all something in cyberland: Have you confessed all of your sins to her? I doubt one.

Less harsh warning, I think. You said you have never been happier. She has not changed, you have. I am with my soul mate and we plan on being together forever. This person has been with multiple people and trust me I've been with too many. We made a life starting with our day one. My past is in the past and so is my partners. Either let it go or please let her go because you won't deserve her.

[CravenMorhead]

I started reading this and all I could think was, "Dude? Really?".

The important issue here is that she lied to you. Her number was 1 not 0 like you. Two factors play into this, first the incident occurred before you were actually dating so the statute of limitations on it has long passed. You have no right to be angry at her for what happened. The second is that wasn't honest about it. There are many reason for this that are perfectly reasonable:
1). She made a promise that she was under no obligation to keep.
2). It is something that she's not proud of and didn't want you to look down on her for. Which you are.
3). It is something that is taboo that isn't really talked about.
4). It doesn't really matter in the long run.

The only thing that has changed here is the knowledge you now have. She's not changed as a person and is no different. You're sacrificing a perfectly viable relationship because of your pride. She doesn't require nor need your forgiveness. You need to apologize for being a idiot and move on. If you can't swallow your pride and remember why you love her, then she deserves someone better. I am thinking she might deserve someone better regardless.

[talaniman]

Now that you have awakened from your perfect dream fantasy, maybe you will find a way to deal with reality. I suppose you have to cry first though before the brain kicks in again. So finish crying and decide what you should do next.

You will either work it out, or leave each other alone. Apologize for your immaturity, and selfishness and see where you go from there.

Done crying yet?

[catonsville]

Damn, you girls really came down on the OP. Have to agree with you though. As a male I can understand where OP is coming from but like you have said enough crying. It may hurt, but suck it up and do the right thing OP.

[Oliver2011]

The pride thing that some guys have about "I have TAKEN your virginity" really bugs the crappie out of me because it's all about them and nothing to do about the girl. Amazingly my posted second response was much more tame than the erased first one.

I agree with Craven in that she deserves better. Much better.

[Wondergirl]

Damn, you girls really came down on the OP.

Only Alty is female. The other responders so far are male.

[catonsville]

Sorry, sometimes it is very hard to determine. Without being on the inside.

[talaniman]

Talani-MAN, And I do feel for a guy who was lied to as honesty could have saved this guy a big boo-hoo! But I learned a LOOOOONG time ago that virginity is BS, since sex takes many different forms.

Why trip on just one?

[CravenMorhead]

This is another example of misogyny that is still accepted, and as a male, it cause great anger and angst. The double sexual standard. He's a Stud but she's a Sl*t. In this day and age the only thing that's important is your disease status, not how many partners you've been with. Each partner is different and what worked with one might not work with another. That's life, not a measure of your sexual mojo or ability. It really matters little.

[DoulaLC]

OP... why not wipe the slate clean and start anew. You are going to find that your relationship, any long term relationship, is going to go through occasional disappointments, anger and hurt feelings. You will also find that both people change now and then. The key is that you are able to be understanding of those changes when they occur. You may not always like it, and you don't even have to agree with it, but you do need to make a decision of whether the situation is a deal breaker. Many couples find that their relationship becomes stronger, and their commitment to making the relationship work is reinforced, when they weather a few episodes of discontent. But that takes real commitment and maturity. It's the hanging in there when things aren't always how you would like them to be, and knowing that the other person will do the same, until you can get back on the same page.

Yes, honesty is important in a relationship, but sometimes I think you need to consider the reason behind her not doing so. I think she simply wanted to avoid hurting you, especially since the idea of both of you being virgins became so important to you. The longer it went on, the more difficult it would become for her to be upfront about it. And you have proved her concern to be correct with your reaction. So she really was in a no-win situation wasn't she?

It's done, it can't be changed, no matter how much she would like to, so now you have to decide if this is enough of a problem for you to end the relationship, because you certainly can't continue to drag both of you through any more drama over it. As was said, the two of you weren't even dating, let alone in a relationship at the time. She likely promised because she didn't expect anything to happen. You really had no say in even asking her to make such a promise in the first place. It was simply to satisfy your own feelings and desires.

If it is going to eat away at you, and you can't discuss your feelings calmly with her, then end the relationship so both of you can move on.

[ScottGem]

I'm going to add my 2 cents in here. I also understand that you feel betrayed and have lost trust. But you need to look at what the lie was about. It was about something YOU made a big deal of. Something she knew would probably kill any chance you had of exploring a relationship if she told you. So she waited and it was probably eating at her. Finally it got to her and she had to be honest. Remember she could probably have kept that secret and you wouldn't have been the wiser.

Also, as the others have said, you were in no position to extract this promise. Frankly I think you had a good deal of nerve to do so.

So my take on this is that it is not a major as you seem to feel. It needs to be weighed against the positives of the relationship to see if it s a deal breaker.

[dontknownuthin]

Well, frankly, unless this is the year 1600 or we are trapped in someweirdly paternalistic, oppressive society, her virgnity is none of your business. What transpires between two other people sexually is not your business. And a sexual relationship fore she was dating you is not cheating. She lied becase you were violating her privacy.

Is is she just a prize to you? Or is she a person? And if you put so much importance on virgnity, why take it from someone you are not married to? She can't have sex with some other guy she dates, but should with you because you are dating? You are full of crap. You were out of line weighing in on whether she should have sex with the other guy. And if you don't value a girl who had sex with a boyfriend, don't have sex when you are just a boyfriend.

[odinn7]

Reading this from you is amazing. You are going on about her selfish behavior and your reaction to it almost like as if she had cheated on you. What I read here from you, I could substitute the virginity issue with a cheating issue and then it would make more sense. What I mean is that you are WAY over-reacting to this. She cried while you talked about it? You made it bad enough for her to cry over? A decision she made BEFORE you 2 were dating?

I get that she lied but at the same time, after reading this mess, I fully understand why she did it.

Dump her. Do it now! Save her from yourself and set her free so she can be with someone that is living in this century and won't hold such a petty thing against her.

[Alty]

Starting to think I was way to easy on the OP (original poster). I was trying to put my nice face on, so we could grow as a site.

Sad fact, I was the first to respond, and I was really tame compared to the others that posted, and I totally agree with their posts, and the OP still left and hasn't been back. Now we're basically discussing this amongst ourselves.

Fact is, everyone has a past. Unless you meet a girl as an infant, a girl that's promised to you, and if she has sex is condemned to death, really making her think twice about that choice, you live in the real world.

In the real world most people don't remain virgins into their 20's. In the real world, because of birth control, disease control (to a point) and hormones, most people have sex in their teens. If only those teens knew more about sex I'd be fine with it, heck, I had sex as a teen, most people did.

I'm married, my husband wasn't my first, nor was I his first. If you want to compare pasts, I was what you would likely call a slut. My husband would be a stud, but he had less partners than I did. We met at 19 and since then we've only been with each other.

We've been together 25 years, married for 20 years in May. We're happy. Our past didn't define either of us, because it's the past, before we met, or before we started dating. I've never cheated on him, he's never cheated on me.

Your girl was with one guy. ONE! She didn't even have to tell you about it, it's really none of your business because it was before you two got together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I have to ask, is this a problem because she has more experience than you? If so, get over yourself. So she had sex with one guy before you two dated. So what? That doesn't change who she is now!

[BirdieEagle]

Hey, sorry I was gone for a day everyone. I didn't expect this to become so heated. First of all, if I appear as whiny here, I was ranting, and it was the heat of the moment. So I apologize for sounding like a douche. Secondly, what she and my friend did was completely up to her. I asked her to promise me because I knew she didn't want to have sex with someone outside of a relationship, and I was trying to reinforce her idea that she didn't need to do it. But the fact is it happened, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it and get over it. But thirdly, the problem is the fact that she lied to me. Not once, but consistently. It's hard at the moment to realize that what was special to me wasn't the same to her, but the reason I'm having such a hard time getting over this is the realization that my girlfriend would even have the soul to continually lie like that. We have a very open, honest relationship outside of this one dark secret, so it's kind of a blow to learn that we haven't been on the same page for the last year. She did cry. She feels terrible and guilt-stricken, but I have to believe she's crying because of the consequences this entails, and not the fact that she lied. Otherwise, there was no reason to keep the secret. Results I got from you guys seemed to be personal blows at my emotions to the situation, and not the situation itself.

[Alty]

She feels guilt because she cares about you. She lied because you made it very clear that she shouldn't give her virginity to this guy, made her promise she wouldn't do it, and she did it anyway. She knew you wouldn't approve, and she was right.

Look at it this way. You love someone, you want to be with someone, but something you've done before you were in a relationship with that person, is taboo for them, not acceptable for them. But you love this person, and you know that if you tell them that you did what they wouldn't accept, that would be the end. So you lie about it, because that's the only option you have.

The lie eats at you, it hurts you, you love this person so much and you know you're lying to them, a small lie, but a lie nonetheless, and you love them enough, and hope they love you enough, that you finally tell the truth.

She did what she did. She lied because she wanted to be with you and her not being a virgin was a deal breaker to you, according to your posts! She lied because she wanted a relationship with you, and she told the truth because she loves you enough to trust you with her heart.

You either forgive her lie and move on, or you really are a douche.

[Wondergirl]

It's none of your business what she did before you showed up on the scene. Why do you keep shoving her back into the hole that you dug? You've installed a very wobbly hook to hang a relationship on. Like CH said, "It really doesn't matter in the long run." Although, it seems like you are thrashing around enough to make it an unforgivable issue that you'll probably throw in her face every now and then. I say let her go to find someone who will value her.

[odinn7]

It was a lie...people lie all the time (not saying lying is right) so you either face it and deal with it or you let it eat you up. It's obvious why she lied. She wasn't being mean or vindictive in doing so, she did it because of the standards you were trying to hold her to. It's a lie...just a lie. Don't make it into something bigger than it really is.