[zungawunga]

I'm gong to try and make this quick. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and a half. For the last 9 months she has made me feel pretty low about myself. I work hard, am classed as a good looking man at 28 and don't really do much wrong in my eyes?

She works too, but as soon as she got home she would sit on couch, demand her dinner, eat it and go to sleep. When I ask her if she loves me 70% of time she would just say give up asking stupid questions and not answer and the other 30% she would say stuff like she's not sure. This hurt me so much after my life revolved around looking after her and working hard. She has left me about 3 times in last 6 months but only for a day or two and then come back.

The twist in the tale is we found out 6 weeks ago she is pregnant. It is definitely mine she is not one of them kind of girls. I promise you all that I have no doubt there. The baby will be loved by both sides of the family and we are both mature enough to be able to bring the little baby up in a loving environment.

Problem is she left me again on Monday and after so long of feeling crap about myself I went out and got totally drunk. A girl started chatting me up and before I know it she was back at mine and we had sex. As soon as I had done it I felt sooo horrible and bad. I still feel very very very low about it.

I think my girlfriend now wants to come back again and I do miss her. But feel like I can't tell her because it would really upset her and cause stress on the baby. Also she is going through her step grandad dying at the moment. What should I do? The other girl hasn't got in touch, I know I would never let this happen again. We were on a break but I waited about 36 hours before getting drunk. Please help am I a bad guy?

[talaniman]

No you aren't a bad fellow, just a mixed up one. I don't know how long you have been living together, nor how soon you moved in together, but if half the time of this relationship she made you feel bad about yourself and has been leaving and coming back since 6 months in, then you have obviously never addressed these obvious red flags maturely, correctly, or honestly. The added stress of becoming a father/family helps nothing at all and drunken behavior just made it that much worse.

One would hope this experience TEACHES you a valuable lesson that allows you to deal with this conflicts more directly and honestly, and MUCH MORE maturely. I don't know how you can think you both can provide a stable loving, environment for a child together with you moping around made to feel bad about yourself all the time, and her leaving when she has had enough of whatever her issue with you is, so it seems wishful thinking and false hope on your part that its going to work that way. I have my serious doubts from what you have written. You should too!

Let's leave the drunken behavior aside for a minute and focus on the relationship for now, and resolve things going forward, and I think it best you learn to communicate honestly, and work apart for a while as you do so. I would think it's best to resolve your own issues, and conflicts first with yourself, and then with her, before you make it much worse together as its VERY obvious the two of you have yet to reach a point you can even resolve things to the benefit of you both.

I know you want to do the right thing for her and the coming child, but you have to do the right thing for yourself FIRST, or you do no good for anyone in the long run. So take the time to think and be able to find out what the RIGHT THING is that you should do just to change the path you are on and that's without the stupid drunken behavior. I feel you know you should put that aside for now and deal with the biggest priority before you, and that's how you and her deal with each other going forward and that does start with a review of the relationship, and an honest self evaluation of your actions and how you have handled her words and actions so far.

You could have done better, and really do need to figure out HOW to do better NOW! What do you think?

Obviously I don't think you allow her back without a hard long talk to set the boundaries of this commitment and a plan to move forward in a healthy mature way that work for you BOTH. You darn sure don't have that NOW.

How old are you both?

[catonsville]

No, you are not a bad guy, you are in a tight position. It is a shame you did not ask this question 6 months ago. It is a new ball game now. Hope all works out for you and you do as suggestions come in.

[Alty]

You cheated and you're post says that you're trying to justify it.

Bottom line, you're in a relationship. Good or bad you choose to stay in this relationship. That means that cheating is bad. If you don't like how she treats you, or what she does and doesn't do, you break up, then you can have sex with anyone you want. But, if you choose to stay, that's your choice, and that makes cheating wrong.

Are you a bad guy? Well you are a cheater, no matter what you say to justify what you did. So if you think cheating is bad, then yes, you're a bad guy for cheating.

Having said that, everyone makes mistakes. Live and learn. Stop focusing on your one screw up, and start focusing on this relationship, it's messed up big time, and bringing a baby into it will only make an already messed up relationship, even worse.

The two of you need serious couples counseling before this baby comes.

[DoulaLC]

You said that she's not one of those kinds of girls... that you trust her to not have slept with anyone, even when the two of you have gone through some rough patches. But now you can't say the same for yourself. What would you think of her if she had gone out, gotten drunk, then had sex with someone just a few days after another rough patch?

As has been said, if you get back together, definitely talk to her about having some counseling together so that you can both figure out whether this is a relationship that you want to continue. If it is, then the counseling can help you learn some better tools for dealing with disagreements, so that you can stop repeating the same steps over and over. If it is decided that continuing the relationship is not the best idea, then you can learn some ways to make better decisions the next time you become involved with someone.

Neither of you are as mature as you would like to think. She wouldn't keep taking off and you wouldn't have gotten drunk and had sex with someone.

Thankfully you apparently have both families that will help out when the baby comes. The maturity will come in time... hopefully taking a good, honest look at the relationship so far, and the role both of you have played in it, will help in that process.

[Fr_Chuck]

She left you, several times in 6 months, that means there is a serious issue in the relationship.

I would not so fast, to let her just come back. I would want you both to take counseling classes and find out the root of the problems.

The issue of cheating (sex) with someone else, is a issue, but may or may not have to be discussed. The real issues to the relationship need to be solved.

[Jake2008]

I think Alty is right on the money here.

It's about not making excuses for your own bad judgment, and actions. You can't blame anybody else for what you chose to do.

Relationships shouldn't fall apart because problems come up. The basic foundation of any relationship is the ability to communicate. That would be talking things out, arriving at understanding, and making changes. Her running away when things get rough, and you and her going around in circles because you can't, won't, or are unable to resolve problems, does not a good relationship make!

Every time there is a break, and the break is not fixed, it only adds to all the other breaks, and eventually there is just too much to heal, and it's over. You have to learn how to communicate, and she has to learn how to communicate. Insist on couples counseling, even if only to learn how to communicate for the sake of the baby.

I would do a paternity test when the baby gets here too.