[DFHCapital311]

I'll try to keep this short and will use dates as a timeline. We're both in our early 30s. My ex and I broke up back on April 30th. We had a pretty solid relationship until we got a little distant towards the end. I can't say either of us was to blame, we both had our faults. I can say that she felt like I wasn't being affectionate enough. I told her a few times in our relationship that we had different levels and we'll need to compromise if we want it to work out. Believe me, I've always found her attractive, we had sex when we could and there were never any arguments. Just talks. You could say we broke up without really finalizing it with words. Just kind of kept distant for a bit. We work together so there has been contact and we even went out with our mothers for Mothers Day back on May 10th.

One day that following week, I believe it was on the 12th, she told me that she wanted to talk to me during the lunch break. I kind of refused and said that we should be friends. At some point, whether it was while we were still together or after we broke up, she created a Plenty-Of-Fish account. On June 5th, I told her I realized I should have listened to her when she wanted to talk and it might too late. I told her I missed her and she admitted she does "some times". I got a little emotional. I didn't beg or anything but I did point out that I made a mistake or two along the way. She told me she didn't want to reconcile, stating that she didn't think I could give her the affection she needed and she doesn't want to feel afraid to touch, kiss, and/or hold me. She confessed to me that she still had feelings for me, but it was her burden to carry. At some point while we were talking, she mentioned that she wished "she could get rid of the feelings". Regardless of how it was meant, it was kind of hurtful me. She also said she "wished" I would have let her talk to me during lunch that day.

To me, that means she might have been willing to work things out. I asked if she was seeing someone else and she said yes. I asked if she was emotionally detached before we actually broke up or was the relationship over before it really was. All she told me was, verbatim "You can take this however you want to, but I was all about you until you told me we should be friends". That didn't sit right with me. I am taking this as it was my fault I didn't listen to her when she wanted to talk, but my argument it that she had every right to put her foot down and make me listen, if it was that important. I am probably over-analyzing but a part of me thinks she might have had this other guy somewhere around. Like, he was interested but she held him off until she knew things were over with me. We also talked about the vacation we had planned, her daughter included. Knowing that she was at least seeing someone else, I asked if she felt comfortable still going. She said she wanted to but it was also up to me. I played the bigger person and asked her "Do you think it's fair to this other guy that you and your daughter are going on vacation with your ex boyfriend?" She said I'm not, I'm going with my best friend. I had to tell her it was the same person, regardless. She got a bit defensive and said "You're right, it's a bad idea. No vacation, That's my final stand". To me, it seems like she was waiting for me to be the bad guy.

Speeding up to today, I can't say when they actually started dating, whether it really was AFTER I told her we should be friends or not, but they're already somewhat serious in just over a month, it appears. She has been spending the night over his house and obviously having sex. I only know because her overnight bag is always in her car, cause we park really close together at work.Yesterday, I had one last chat with her telling her I couldn't be friends with her. Basically, going with the No Contact rule. Even though we work together, it can be done if its kept strictly professional. I get that whatever she is doing is her business and I shouldn't worried about it. It seems to me that she's just as confused as I am, but for other reasons. Sounds to me like she's rebounding pretty hard. I still have thoughts that she just hasn't been completely honest with me about some things. Based off what has been said, I don't think she has been completely honest with this other guy either. Probably hiding the feelings, possibly even hiding the fact she would be going on vacation with her ex. I know, not my concern.

I can honestly say that I have been the entire time. One final word from her was that she "made the decision to move on". Not really emphasizing on exactly when she decided. I feel like she's used me as somewhat of a crutch, along with this other guy. I think my biggest mistake was getting emotional with her. It made me look weak and desperate. I should have just let it be. But it is what it is and I feel a little embarrassed about it. Breakups for me are hard, but no one ever said they were easy. Thoughts?

[Oliver2011]

"I am probably over-analyzing..." You think?

Breakups happen for whatever the reason. Normally after a breakup the no contact rule is best to help you heal and move on. You two chose to have a relationship with someone you work with so now you have to deal with the consequences of that. Her relationship with this other guy is no concern of yours. Your best opportunity is to move on emotionally. And any thoughts of doing a vacation together is a really bad idea.

[talaniman]

Like you say break ups are very hard, but stop torturing yourself with what she is doing, and focus on what you can do for yourself. I know its even harder working with her, and knowing she moved on before you did and found someone else, but that's just the breaks my friend and makes it harder but you just have to try harder to focus.

Does no good to speculate or second guess things, so just be glad you had the time, and accept its over. How long did you date her?

[DFHCapital311]

I appreciate the blunt honesty Oliver. You're right about over-analyzing. The vacation is obviously a no-go for multiple reasons. I was just confused why she would even be OK with it in the first place. I guess to have her cake and eat it too?

Tal,
About 2 years.

I will do better with convincing myself to move on. I think I need to just be positive and also remind myself that I am doing this the right way, without having to jump right into something else to cope with the pain. I think that makes sense.

[Oliver2011]

There are things you can do to move your life forward. Sitting around your place doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. Get outside and exercise. Exercise is such a healer for emotional stress. Call some friends and go out. Take tennis lessons or the lessons of your choice to meet new people. If you keep your mind active you won't be focused on what stresses you. Trust me, it works.

I appreciate the blunt honesty Oliver. You're right about over-analyzing. The vacation is obviously a no-go for multiple reasons. I was just confused why she would even be OK with it in the first place. I guess to have her cake and eat it too?

Tal,
About 2 years.

I will do better with convincing myself to move on. I think I need to just be positive and also remind myself that I am doing this the right way, without having to jump right into something else to cope with the pain. I think that makes sense.