[Rosamaria31]

Hi.

I´ve been going through a difficult period in my life lately. One year ago I was unemployed and deeply depressed. I got a job but am going through financial hardship after many years of being only partly employed. I only recently got my life somewhat together, but I feel constantly afraid and lack the nerve to ask my boss for a much needed raise. I took on an extra job to pay off debts so I will have more money in the future, but I´m going through foreclosure. I started seeing a therapist to help me through this period.

My therapist suggested I suffer from codependency and I agree with her. I clam up when persons in authority approach me and I feel ill at ease when I´m around my boss. I can barely manage a sentence without stammering and when she tells me to work overtime, I always do, sometimes not for extra salary. I´m afraid to say no and I realize I´m a doormat. I feel I need to find out who I am under all this fear and stress.

Hoping to get some helpful advice. Thanks for reading.

[Wondergirl]

What advice do you want? You're doing the right thing by seeing a therapist. Work with her to find ways to get rid of that doormat part of your personality. Have you started working toward that end?

[Rosamaria31]

Hi Wondergirl,

That´s the problem. My therapist asked me to do certain exercises for self-esteem and told me to start exploring my needs, my boundaries and my sense of self. I don´t know what my needs are because I´ve been people pleasing for decades. I don´t know who I am and what is my core value. It´s like standing in front of a mirror and not seeing anything.

I need advice for finding these needs and begin the process of healing. I have no idea and it´s scary. If you could suggest some more basic tips, it would be great.

[Wondergirl]

You want people to like you. If you said no, they might not like you. You might get into some kind of trouble. Yes? No?

[Alty]

There's very little help you'll find online. You're doing right by seeing a therapist. Your therapist is giving you tools to help you get out of your rut. Listen to your therapist.

Going online for advice is a crapshoot. Not that I don't welcome you to the site. I do. Welcome, and I hope you continue to post. But your issues can't be dealt with online. I fear that by asking online, you'll get advice from every Tom, D*ck and Harry that has no idea about what you're going through, or how to help you.

There are no licensed therapists on this site, or any other. Even if there were, a few sentences about your life, and what you're dealing with, won't allow them to give you the proper advice, the advice you need to deal with this.

I urge you to continue therapy, in person, with your therapist. Don't go online for answers, that will only lead to more confusion, and deeper issues.

But do continue to post. Keep us updated on your progress. I urge you to follow your therapists advice. Therapy isn't a quick fix, it can take years to get you back on track. Posting online is anything but a quick fix, in fact, it may mess you up even more. :(

[Wondergirl]

I'm a therapist. Alty is correct in telling you that you need to work out appropriate-for-you "homework assignments" with your own therapist. And be your own best advocate. No matter how embarrassing or distasteful or upsetting, she needs to know how things play out for you as you try them. Success will come over time as you do the "homework" and practice setting boundaries.

[Alty]

I know you're a therapist WG, but I don't know any therapist that can give accurate advice based on one or two posts online. It's impossible.

His face to face therapist, that knows way more than he could ever tell us here, is more equipped to handle his issues.

Hope that didn't sound condescending. That wasn't my intent at all. I'm just saying that no one can offer medical or mental advice based on a few sentences about what's going on. It's not possible. It's guess work at best.

[Wondergirl]

And I agree with you, Alty, and said so. Online therapy isn't the way to go; that's very superficial and limited. It has to be in person in Real Life. But there IS a therapist on site. :)

[Alty]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Wondergirl again.

I completely agree WG.

[Jake2008]

I want to tell you that you've taken the step to help you find solutions to situations that keep you stuck in this place you are in.

One thing you can't do, is stay in this place. With foreclosure looming, particularly, you will need a plan, and help to get through this. Anybody would. That is called mitigating the damage. When you deal with it, you lessen the consequences of not dealing with it, which of course, would be a lot worse.

Do you have family and friends that you can turn to. It helps along with seeing the therapist, to go over what has been said, and seek opinion, and support from those that are closest to you.

A therapist of any stripe, is not the be-all and end-all to your troubles. While he/she may be able to pinpoint where the trouble stems from, it is up to you to do the work and make the changes, in order to make life more bearable. I get the impression that you are overwhelmed, and disappointment keeps adding up.

The exercises you are given have to be done, whether you feel like it or not. It takes time to change patterns of thinking, and behavior, that keep you from moving forward. Please stick to what she has given you, and when you are using different techniques to deal with people and situations, keep a diary of how things went- good and bad- so that you can, yourself, see where things went wrong, and what needs more work.

Finally, don't be afraid to ask your therapist for clarification, or further explanation, and examples of what any exercise is supposed to do. Like anything else, some things will be forgotten, or misunderstood.

Best of luck to you.