[sypher373]

Hey guys,

I've been doing some reflecting over the past few days, and although it only came up once, something my ex said to me has stuck in my head.

I was always the one to try and help her find a solution and help whatever problem she was in. If I didn't, or couldn't, come up with a good answer, I got extremely frustrated with myself, and felt like I was failing her.

At one time, she told me that she doesn't always need me to come up with answers and help her solve the problems, she's just telling me these things because she wants someone to listen to her. She wanted someone to talk to.

When I think back on it now, it seems to make a bit more sense, it just kind of sucks to hear about someone's issues and not be able to help.

Is it possible to be too helpful? Is it better to just sit back and listen and not give any input? How can a guy know what's wanted? :o

[Clough]

Yes, lots of times people, especially women, just want someone to talk to. Be a good listener and when she is all done talking, ask her if she wants your help.

Sometimes people just talking things through to another person is their way of thinking through a problem they are having and maybe finding the solution themselves.

It is hard to know what's wanted. But, the first step is to just listen without any interuptions.

[kellkell]

This might seem silly but maybe you could just ask.

For example, I came home from work and was venting about some problems/issues with work. My spouse point blank asked me "are you looking for advice or are you just needing to let off some steam." He was not rude or condescending. He appeared to be actively listening to my concerns. So, I told him that I just needed to talk.

In the past there were times that he wold just offer his opinion and I would become annoyed because I never asked for it. However, I didn't actually tell him I was annoyed but he could see it and then, of course, he would become annoyed himself (not knowing why I am upset that he is "helping" me) and then we would spend the next couple of hours being disgruntled with one another. I think he figured out that asking me would help alleviate unnecessary drama.

This might work for you.

[Skell]

Like Clough said it is important to be a good listener. You must listen to her problems and discuss them with her but don't make them yours. By that I mean don't compound matters by getting yourself in a frenzied state simply because you don't have all the answers. Sometimes just a sympathetic ear is all the answers someone needs.

I would find it quite annoying and somewhat possessive in a way if a partner felt she had to solve my every problem, and if she didn't she felt as though she failed. Wow, that is just a bit too much and yes I can see her point of view entirely.

On the bright side at least it shows you are a good guy and are trying to help. It would be worse if you just didn't give a damn. So you are on the right track, you just need a slight adjustment. More listening and less talking and solving.

[Clough]

By the way, I have posted many times on this site. Some of my posts have been to women with trying to solve the problems they might be having with pregnancy. Since I am a man, I usually give them a bunch of sites to click on to help them solve their problem.

Well, I got the following response from someone. And, it taught me a lesson.

"The sites are great. I think, though, that a lot of women just really want someone to talk to rather than scouting through different sites."

[Matt3046]

Yes women don't really want to hear from us they just want us to listen.

[sypher373]

Thanks guys,

I guess I already knew the answer, I just figured id make sure I was right :)

I always figured it was better to be a little too helpful than not helpful enough. While its not a concern at the moment, someday I'm sure ill be in the situation again :)

[Matt3046]

Yes they just want us to change light bulbs, put oil in their cars, mow the grass, take out the trash and listen.

[grammadidi]

Usually (and I stress the word) women just want someone to listen. When they verbalize things they usually aren't seeking a solution, they are just ridding themselves of stress. They have their say, it is no longer held in - thus loses it's importance and is forgotten. However, men are problem solvers. Sometimes men will spend days and days to resolve a situation that a woman left behind a half hour after dumping it.

If you really want to understand this type of thing, there was a book written called, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by Dr. John Gray that might help you understand the differences between the way women and men communicate a bit better. If a woman wants help solving a problem they will generally ask. I do like the answer that suggested you just come right out and ask if they want you to give advice or are they just letting off steam - certainly clarifies your position.

Hugs, Didi

[mckenzie134]

Most girls just want you to listen and understand there problems but I've learnt in the past don't try and solve there problems, cause if you listen carefully they are not actually asking you for advice they are just telling you what the problem is, they are not actually looking for an answer and I've learnt if you try and come up with the solution then they look at you as part of the problem as well. In my relationship I tried to solve problems cause I thought it was the right thing to do but it isn't. I will say though if you give her someone to listen to she will love it but do not join in the conversation, but be there to listen when she needs it and it will take you a long way...

[rol]

I agree with Didi 'men are from mars,women are from venus on a date ' is a fantastic book, I've learned so much from it! I even think it's a bible every couple should read together,it explains how men want to fix problems and how women just want someone to listen.
Also how women apologize and men apologize is a very interesting chapter and how women go down in their wells and need support and love at that time ,while men need to cave and be alone.

[talaniman]

It helps to really listen, there might be a test at the end of her vent, so I advise you to be able to pass it.