[mirindag]

I am 30 and my boyfriend is 34. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 & 1/2 years now, having moved in with him 12 months ago. We live, work and run a business together. Not long after I moved in he pointed out that I talked too much. This hit a nerve as I knew it to be true and I was shocked that he was so aware of my flaws. I burst into tears and cried hard, realizing that I don't see any of his and I had thought that was how he felt. I told him then that I was hurt and I loved him unconditionally. He said: "Unconditional love is for children and puppies."

The second thing which hurt me was I knew early on I desperately wanted to marry him, but after a previous 12yr relationship, marrying her because she wanted it and then she let herself go mentally and physically, he is now against it. He told firmly he will never marry me and I have tried to tell him it is still important to me, but at the same time I do not want to force him. I hope that one day he will think I deserve it, but at the same time I am more certain he never will and I feel painfully unfulfilled.

We often argue when I make a mistake that costs us money or damages things. I admit, I am clumsy and although he says all I need to do to defuse the arguments is say sorry we usually argue when he vents explosive anger. He throws things and yells very hurtful things when upset. He often calls me 'f-ing stupid' or 'a moron' or 'immature', these are all things that hit nerves and although he apologies and I believe him, it keeps happening. I believe when he says these things during these rages it is his true opinion of me, but he denies it. He tells me how wonderful I am when things are going well, and I try to insist that I am not, citing the flaws he has previously pointed out, he takes it back and tells me I am smart etc. Until the next time. Today I used an abrasive cleaner on very expensive stainless steel railings without asking him and he blew up, literally spitting with rage and breaking a bottle of cleaner when he threw it and calling me a 'f-king moron'.

I have repeatedly told him that if you love someone who shouldn't even think to talk to them like that.
That is what causes the arguments. If he doesn't react like that we can usually put it behind us. But the second he starts yelling and insulting me it deteriorates when I get hurt. He just doesn't see it's wrong.
He doesn't understand that it's not the blame of what I've done. He says I have no humility and won't apologize which frustrates him but of course I don't want to come near him when he's like that! I constantly point out that no matter how upset I get I never speak to him like that. I even called him an arsehole in today's argument, asking him how it felt to be spoken to like that by someone you loved and he said it didn't bother him. I knew something was wrong. I have come to the conclusion that he does not love me the way I love him. I sobbed for hours upon realizing this, knowing that I love him unconditionally and it was never going to be returned. I don't know if my expectation of love is unrealistic, but is it so wrong to want someone to love me unconditionally and marry me? I don't want to crush or diminish my love to match his.

I tried to explain this to him when we were calmer and he had apologized, but he only asked how to fix it, not understanding that it couldn't be fixed. It was his perspective. I said that there would always be a part of me that felt pain now. I don't think he understood. He kept asking what I wanted of him, how to fix it. So I feel it best to compromise on my side and settle for what I have. He did say 'I feel like someone who has just told a kid there's no Santa Claus' and I told him that was very similar. I asked him if he ever wished he could have that feeling back, that wonder of believing in Santa and he said yes. I told him that was what it felt like for me now. I still believed in Santa and he didn't.

Please understand he treats me like a princess. He only tries to better me. He is a kind, loving and decent man. Despite his anger he has never hit me. Although I wish he did. I could live with bruises, but I remember ever insult he calls me when he is angry and they eat at me. Now I can't sleep because even as I lay beside him, I can still feel this pain in my chest. I have no friends to talk to this about.
I don't know what I want from this advice. Perhaps tips on how to cope? I can't stand to leave him. It would literally kill me. But I'm afraid this difference I feel now is going to taint everything. I should just be grateful he loves me in his own way and although he won't marry me he does say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that it's just a piece of paper. But even after loving sex, now when I look at him asleep and think 'I love him so much' I can't stop that pang in my chest now when there's a follow up of 'but he doesn't love me the same.'

[smoothy]

First off... it won't literally kill you. It will be emotionally painful, but its not going to actually kill you.

YOU will get over it... you will get over him... and in all likelihood you will find someone better.

And actually in anger... people can and do say some pretty aweful things. I'd venture to say most will, though certainly not ALL which is too encompasing... particularly after you've been married for a while and the honeymoon is long over and you are more frank with each other than you ever are while dating.

How do you cope... you work on a hobby, visit with friends... do some things you enjoy... eventually the pain wears off and you can begin to think more clearly.

Your first mistake was moving in with someone you barely knew after 6 months....you still only have known him a total of a year and a half. THe honeymoon phase shouldn't really even be over yet if you had something good. But its already soured....and if its like this now...its not going to improve.

You see him as he is..., if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you...then he'd marry you. If its only a piece of paper, then why is it so important for him to avoid? Give that some thought. Why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free....right now he's got the cow...when it stops giving milk...he'll go find a new cow....he's got no real investment in a "meaningless piece of paper".....and it will be really hard for you to get alimony .....the key reason I believe he doesn't want to get married....he knows whats going to happen eventually and doesn't want to pay then.


After all words are just words.....they really can't be enforced....but a piece of paper, now that has value, that has meaning....it means you will get something on the other end when he's gotten tired of free sex, a free housekeeper and a free live in cook. Something right now you won't.

[talaniman]

You will never get what you need from this relationship but more abuse, misery, and pain and if that your idea of being treated like a princess, I can only advise you to just sit tight until you are sick of it, and leave. Such a desperate love is very unhealthy, even if he is cute in his sleep.

You really do need to leave. Sorry, but this is but a preview of life with him. Doesn't sound pretty at all.

[Oliver2011]

"He is a kind, loving and decent man." Wow really? It might just be me but based on the stated facts, it doesn't seem like it.

What is with all the fighting? Two people that love each other put the other person first in their life. This is not happening here. I would never want all that drama from a relationship.

[mirindag]

In hindsight with the responses so far, I think perhaps I’ve painted my boyfriend in a severe light and some may have missed the point.


He really, truly is a good man. He has strong morals, is always honest and my life has only been better since I met him. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I take pride in my appearance now and my family says he is the best thing that has happened to me. Before I was a hermit committed 24/7 to my career, I had no friends, I was fat, took no care in my looks and lived in my own shut in world with no self-confidence whatsoever.



He gives me whatever I ask for and he tells me he loves me multiple times a day. He is caring about me, even if it’s just a stubbed toe.

The only problem comes from these arguments and how he talks to me when he’s upset. I know now he does not love me like I love him, but I don’t believe he is deliberately deceiving me or being emotionally untrue. I think his definition of love is not the unconditional type I wished could be returned and that is the part that is hurting me and always in my mind now.


I do not want to leave him. That is not even an option.

I suppose what I’m saying is I didn’t post this for people to say what a b-stard he is, I should leave him, he’s deceiving me etc. Out of context, without seeing how he is the rest of the time, it’s easy to make that judgement.

I was hoping more on opinions about if I should lower my standards. If the type of love I have for him is unrealistic and therefore always going to get me hurt. If there are things I can do to try and cope with this new revelation so that it doesn’t poison what I feel for him.


I don’t want to think ‘he doesn’t love me as much as I love him’ every time we have a tender moment or I look at him, because I know that will eventually destroy my feelings for him if I go on thinking like this.

[smoothy]

You said he's abusive? We didn't. Nobody should be in a relationship that's frequently abusive... man or woman. Abuse can be verbal just as much as it can be physical.

And hate to tell you... you are being used or he would actually marry you. YOU will never have the same legal rights as a live in sex toy as you would as his wife.

He could give EVERYTHING to anyone else her wants and leave you with nothing... something he couldn't do without your approval if you was actually married.

He could figuratively throw you out on the street in 5, 10 , or 15 years... and you would be entitled to absolutely nothing in most states.

You fit the profile for a "battered souse" despite all the evidence to the contrary, you defend the person who is taking advantage of you and even at times abuses you.

See wee see him for who he really is... you see him for who you want him to be. THe two can be very differeent things.

[Oliver2011]

Fortunately or unfortunately when someone asks a question on this site, they don't get to control what type of answers are given.

From my stand point I don't believe you should lower your standards. That would be settling for less and I never believe in settling for less. What I think you both should work on is communication and how not to let it get to the point where you are saying things you regret later. A relationship without drama is so much more worthwhile. Some couples throw in drama for drama's sake and they are so used to that, it becomes the norm.