[Athena001]

A couple of months ago I managed to free myself from a harmful "relationship". I found out that I wasn't the only one in his life, that there were many, many more and that he didn't care about me in the least. From the beginning I had a bad feeling about the relationship and the only reason I found out what I did was because I confronted him and pretended that I had somewhow found out and when I had in fact made some lucky guesses. He eventually confessed and his real self came out. To say the very least, I was completely shocked with what I saw. He was completely cold, showed no remorse, guilt or shame and actually laughed at my pain. The original mask of a charming, kind man with seemingly good intentions became cold, manipulative, deceitful, entitled, empty, spiteful and what seems pretty close to downright evil.

Once I saw this side of him, I immeditaely ended it and refused to meet with him and get sucked back into his drama. I cannot cut him out of my life entirely because we are in the same social circles. And besides that, I fear that if I were to attempt to remove him completely out of my life, he would retaliate by tarnishing my reputation. My problem is that even though I know exactly who I'm dealing with now, I'm having immense trouble separating myself from him. There are days where I feel like I couldn't care less about him, but there are many more where he invades my thoughts and my dreams to the point where I cannot do anything else but think of him. I sadly still catch myself fantasizing about what could have been, and I find myself admiring his good traits. Then I remember that those traits were more than likely nothing but an illusion to lure me in so he could do with me as he pleased. Its been months since I ended it, but the frequency with which I think about him hasn't decreased. I also find myself wanting to get his attention back, even try to make him angry as a form of revenge even though I know that will probably only lead me to getting sucked back into his game.

I find myself constantly anxious, checking my phone all the time for messages from him, or checking sites like Facebook to ensure he hasn't posted something about me that could be damaging just because he's angry that I'm no longer bending to his will. He also tends to use each woman in his life to make the others jealous and unfortunately it works on me, not that I show it. I can't eat or sleep properly, this whole issue is busy taking over my life. What can I do to get him out of my head for good? I am well aware of the contradiction between my fantasies and the reality of the situation, I just don't know how to force myself to let go of the fantasies and hope and accept the situation for what it is. How do I reclaim my life?

[tickle]

Other then a knock over the head, because you have heard the hard cold facts from the horses mouth, will stop you from not letting go of this issue.

You outlined all of his bad points quite clearly, they are all in your mind.

What else do you do with your time? Do you work, do you have a hobby, do you have other friends to take your mind of this complete loser (because that is what he is, a loser in life) a man who will grow old by himself?

Get your own life, stop being so needy and just get determined to move on from this tragedy.

[Jake2008]

Think of how you would be feeling, had a loved one suddenly died.

You would be grieving and going through the stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The sudden end to any serious relationship involves a process of healing, and during these stages, is learning how to move on, and be free of the symptoms you are going through. There is no start, or end to them, and they don't necessarily follow in any particular order, but as a general rule, all of us will have to deal with the changes, and confusion, and acceptance of losing a loved one, through, in your case, the death of the relationship.

There are some things you can do. One is to get a diary or notebook of some kind, and when thoughts of a particular part of the relationship come to mind, and you are thinking of, with your own example, of how things could have been. Sit in a quiet place, and write out those thoughts. Date the entry. Anything that comes forward that is affecting your day, that involve feelings- good or bad, angry, etc.- toward the now, ex, reserve on a note pad at work, and get the thoughts out in your diary later.

You will come into a pattern of recognizing the familiar feeling of becoming overwhelmed, and knowing that you can actually do something about it, and life will be easier because you have somewhere to direct those thoughts and feelings, and manage them.

It gets easier. As you go through a few weeks of learning how to cope with these feelings and thoughts, you can reflect on what you had previously written, and things will not feel the same as when you wrote them. You are working through a process, and that process is learning, and that will lead to acceptance. You may shake your head at some of the things you've written, and wonder "what the hell was I thinking", and have a totally different perspective, and one that is more realistic over time.

You can be your own therapist here! You are not feeling any different than millions of others have, at the end of a bad relationship, but not only are you healing by taking charge of the grieving, you are also learning what you don't want, in the next relationship. And, you won't continuously be haunted by this ex, but be free to find another man, who isn't a reflection of the last one. So many of us end up repeating the pattern of dating the same 'type' of man, because we don't learn from the past.

Best of luck to you.

[Athena001]

Thank you both for your replies, it's very much appreciated.

I have tried to keep busy and go on with my life; I'm a manager at the company I work for, and I'm furthering my studies by attending classes in the evenings. I have many projects (hobbies) that I work on in my spare time and I do see many friends, both mutual friends and ones that are completely separate from him. I find that my work and my studies are suffering because my head is not where it should be. Instead of being in the present and focused on a task at hand I'm busy thinking about him and the entire situation and I cannot stop myself from doing so.

I am so angry at myself for not being able to let this go. I keep thinking how weak I must be to allow someone to make me so desperate for their approval and to know what I know, and yet still cling to this toxic relationship the way I do.

I have actually been writing my feelings and experiences down because I have no other outlet (since we have so many mutual friends, I cannot confide in anyone) and more often than not I feel absolutely ridiculous for what I allowed and did. Its made me realize many things about myself, and for that I am grateful because it gives me the chance to work on myself so that one day I will have that healthy and happy relationship, but right now I feel completely stuck and hopeless. He still contacts me fairly regularly, and I tend to reply politely and in the same manner as I would with any other of my male friends. His constant prescence in my life, I think, is keeping me from moving on. How do I grieve over a relationship that technically wasn't real? When he contacts me nowadays, he's back to his kind, charming self. I keep declining his requests to meet but I think that just makes me more of a challenge, and therefore more interesting to him. I know his charm is fake, and I think my views of him are fairly realistic which makes me wonder what on earth is wrong with me that I allow him to have so much power over me. I feel that each time I hear from him, it sets me back. But again, I cannot cut contact because he will take that personally and become vengeful. It also hurts me each time I see or hear about him chasing after other woman and the manner in which he does so, but I feel like that is something I need to know about as it reminds me of who he is so I don't let him back into my life. At this point I'm not even sure if I'm clinging onto this because I'm hoping the man I fell for is still somewhere in there, because I've somehow transferred my sense of worth onto him and look to him for approval, that I think that if I can fix him I will somehow end up fixing the part of me that is obviously also broken or because I'm afraid that I will never again find someone I will feel this way about.

[Jake2008]

This might be helpful:

The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship | Psychology Today