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stunningbliss · Apr 2, 2014, 05:18 PM

Hi, my boyfriend of 4 years and father of my child had a serious Marijuana and drinking problem. It didn't start so bad in the beginning of our relationship his drinking and smoking gradually increased over the years. I've tried to help him stop . He won't. I tried to explain how angry and abusive he gets when he's drunk and gave him a decision His Family Or His Addictions. I've tried to leave him to show tough love, but he still chooses it over us. I know he loves us but doesn't understand the importance of him being sober. Help! How can I help him?

talaniman · Apr 2, 2014, 06:41 PM

When you left and he chose his addiction why did you go back? Maybe Alanon can be of help and support.

stunningbliss · Apr 2, 2014, 06:43 PM

Feeling bad for him is why I went back. He gave me sob stories after sob stories. Begging for us back, I realize I shouldve been stronger and not gone back.

Alty · Apr 2, 2014, 06:47 PM

Originally Posted by stunningbliss

Feeling bad for him is why I went back. He gave me sob stories after sob stories. Begging for us back, I realize I shouldve been stronger and not gone back.

That's an abusive relationship. Sob stories are only his way of validating what he's doing, allowing him to continue to do it, and not lose you.

Bottom line, he won't stop until he's ready. Nothing you say or do will make hm stop. Continuing to go back to him because he sheds a few tears and tells you how bad his life has been, won't help him, and will only make you, and the child you have together, worse off.

Leave, and don't look back. You can't help him. The only person that can help him is him. He's not ready to do that.

Move on. Take care of yourself and your child, and forget about him. He's responsible for his actions, and hopefully he'll hit bottom and get the help he needs. But it's not something you can control. You have no power over him. You only have power over yourself. Do what's right for you and your child.

stunningbliss · Apr 2, 2014, 06:51 PM

Thank you although It hurts to see someone else say exactly what I've been thinking because it reassures me that I was right, I need to leave and quit giving him chances when I know he's not ready to quit. Of course, with feelings being involved it will be hard but for the sake of my child I have to. Thanks again.

talaniman · Apr 2, 2014, 06:53 PM

Give him another chance to choose, without you there.

stunningbliss · Apr 2, 2014, 06:58 PM

I've given him a million chances. I'll only get the same response.

Alty · Apr 2, 2014, 07:00 PM

Originally Posted by stunningbliss

Thank you although It hurts to see someone else say exactly what I've been thinking because it reassures me that I was right, I need to leave and quit giving him chances when I know he's not ready to quit. Of course, with feelings being involved it will be hard but for the sake of my child I have to. Thanks again.

I've never been in your situation, thankfully, but I can understand how hard it would be. You love him, you have a child with him. But the downside is that his addiction has control over him. It's a disease. A disease he has some control over, but he first has to acknowledge it. He's obviously not ready to acknowledge that he has a problem, or get help for that problem.

Why should you or your child be caught in the middle of that? Any promise he makes right now, means nothing. The disease controls him. His addiction controls him. Yes he wants you in his life, but he's not willing to give up his addiction for your or his child. That speaks volumes.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or the child you share, it just means that he doesn't yet realize that his actions are not conducive to a stable family unit. He can't be a boyfriend and a father right now. He has to choose, and sadly alcohol and drugs are making that choice for him.

You deserve better. So does your child. You don't deserve to stick with him, see him hit bottom, deal with all his issues while he's battling this addiction. In fact, the longer you stay, the longer he'll continue this. You leaving for good may be the wakeup call he needs. But until he gets help, and proves that he's clean, I would have nothing to do with him. Even then I'd be weary.

Live your life as if he'll never again be in it. Addiction is not an easy thing to deal with, not for the people that live with addicts, or for the addicts. Treatment isn't always a cure. Don't sit around waiting for him to get better. He may never accomplish that. :(

It's not easy, it won't be easy, but you had the strength to come here and ask for advice, which means that you have the strength to follow that advice, and do the best you can for you and your child. You're stronger than you think you are. :)

stunningbliss · Apr 2, 2014, 07:15 PM

Whew! That spoke to my heart... literally. I'm putting my foot down now! & I will not take this any longer! I am worth so much more! THANK FOR THE ADVICE!! I'm so glad I came here for answers. Truly grateful. I couldn't have gotten better advice from anywhere elsewhere.

Luck0rN0t · Apr 2, 2014, 09:22 PM

Hello and I'm very sorry to hear what your are going through. I had an alcoholic husband that I had a child with. He was a black out drunk. He would do things and not have any recollection the next morning of what he had done or said, the night prior. Including totaling a car, getting a DUI, pushing me around, but mostly cursing at me and being verbally abusive on Mother's Day, until I had to take my child and go to a hotel @ 3:00am. Or on New Year's Eve, or... you name the holiday and I would usually end up in a hotel. That happened about 3 or 4 times before I had finally had enough.

I gave him the choice to quit drinking or move out. He chose to move out. (I own the house) Years later, I guess he decided to get sober, according to him. Our chances have long since come and gone. We are divorced and it was the best decision I made. I'm very sad that it didn't work out for our child, but bottom line, is that is considered child neglect/abuse. Trust me, I am dealing with that very thing now.

After he moved out, he sent letters, called, emailed, texted, left flowers, you name it, saying how sorry he was and that he would give anything to have his family back. He said he would kill to be back together, again. He never said he would quit drinking. He "tried" A.A. but it "wasn't for him".

As others have said, he will not quit until he is ready to, for himself. It is hard to admit, but for me, even harder to understand. I am now the alcoholic, I do believe, in part due to that relationship. I do not blame him for my alcoholism, I just never clearly understood that it is more than a choice, it IS a disease and it requires some sort of medical/professional or other recovery mechanism. Even not drinking - being a 'dry drunk' is a very dangerous thing. Once someone stops, they will never recover from the addiction and usually end up right where they left off if they have that first drink. It is not the last drink that does an alcoholic in, it is the first, because one is never enough... we drink until there is no more or we pass out.

I always thought that if I just had the will power, as with every thing else I have set my mind to, that I could overcome it. I thought that it was a simple matter of choice. I made promises to myself... only to drink on weekends, only to limit myself... to a bottle of wine instead of 2+, it never worked. He may want to change, he may make promises that he very well intends to keep. This is how the alcoholic mind works. The fact is alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. I would love to drink like normal people, but I cannot. I am an alcoholic and always will be, until the day I die. But today, I am sober.

Best of luck and please, always think of your child and the example you set... is this how you want your child to live their life? There you will find your answer. Children learn what they live and live what they learn.