[kasiakanion]

Can 36 year old be a binge drinker or alcoholic?

Dear All

I am in two minds as what to do. I have a fiancé who is 36 yrs old, he is very caring and loving to me, he is Australian. I am supposed to marry him in 2 months. HOwever, I am worried about his drinking behaviour. Supposedly, he was drinking much more to what he is now (like 2-3 beers every day and occasional binge drinking which I sense is a normal thing for Australians). He does not have a need to drink every day. He just drinks once or twice a week, during the weekend, and moderately, 1-2 glasses of wine or beer. However, when he does have an occasion -like he doesn't have to drive or meets up with his friends or colleagues , he starts binge drinking. He usually not drink in front of me but each time he is on one of his 'business' trips he always finds an occasion with some other folks, usually during the weekends, to just go out and drink until he can't remember. It happened again yesterday. It happens to him once every 6 months,(or when he finds an occsaion) and then he drinks until the blackout. Since 2008 has binged drunk ca. 6 times (to the best of my knowledge!), however, we do not go out often. I believe if we did he would have been binge drinking much more often.
It is just that whenever he finds an occasion and has more than 5 beers and is already having fun he can't stop there but instead drinks until the blackout. I tried to stop him once when he drank in front of me and he did but called me a control freak. He says that he thought he was good at limiting his alcohol intake for me and he admits he has had too much to drink on occasion but he maintains he is not an alcoholic and does not have a drinking problem.

Do you think he is a binge drinker or alcoholic? He did drink a lot in college and in his 20s but he said at this age everybody drank at parties. I am worried that his behaviour from youth made him somewhat addicted and he still loves getting drunk until unconscious even though he is 36yrs. PLease advise.

Thanks much,
Christine

[jmjoseph]

He can be an alcoholic, or a binge drinker at any age, or at any stage of his life.

It's hard for us to give you the answer that you want based on this limited information. But if alcohol is becoming very important to him, or if it's causing problems, then yes, he needs to get help of some sort.

Does he realize that this isn't normal behavior? When he blacks out, does he get abusive? Or does he do things out of character? Or is he a pass out drunk?

Maybe he feels the need to blow off some steam, and it just snowballs out of control.

Either way, HE has to want to quit, before any help can be truly administered.

Good luck to you.

[N0help4u]

It doesn't get any better only worse.

[DrBill100]

[/QUOTE]

Christine,

Intermittent excessive drinking is a very common pattern amongst problem drinkers. The key is loss of control once drinking starts or progesses past a certain point (Type I). Much more common than the everyday, continuous and dysfunctional drinker (Type II). This is a distinct typology and one does not progress into the other although the drinking bouts may become more frequent or intense.

Your assessment is on point. He learned to use alcohol for the purpose of intoxication (binge drinking in college) and that practice has been carried forward although it is no longer functional and has in fact become counter-productive.

Whether this is alcoholism is largely a semantic issue and will depend on who is making the assessment. Suffice to say that it is a maladaptive behavior. It isn't necessary to assign a label or to conjecture if there is an underlying addiction. Such labeling (diagnoses to some) usually do more to inflame than to clarify. Alcoholism, addiction and similar phrases still have a pejorative effect and too often mobilize personal resentment and defenses that complicate rather than expedite correction. Leastwise at this stage of intervention.

Drinking to the point of oblivion with blackout is abnormal, dangerous and bereft of benefit. He knows that... You know that. And, he knows that you are concerned about his drinking yet he continues the practice despite such knowledge. Whether that is a personality disorder, bad habit, learned behavior or addiction is unimportant. The behavior needs to be addressed from his standpoint (over which you lack control) and from your standpoint (for which you are entirely responsible).

Here, let me advise that talking to him while he is drinking serves no purpose. Avoid that. It is certainly appropriate to express your concerns but do so only when he is entirely sober and avoid inflammatory or accusatory terms, "alcoholic," "addiction."

You need to put this in a proper perspective, learn what you can and cannot do and how you can sustain. I'm providing the number for Al-Anon where you can find other people (a lot of them) in similar circumstances. This will help you to cope until he is willing to act.

1-888-425-2666 Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

[kasiakanion]

Dear All

Thank you very much for this invaluable information. He is coming back home tomorrow from another of his 'business' trips so I will definitely talk to him about my concern. I talked to him briefly couple of days ago over the phone and he admitted that it is not normal and that he is sorry and he will do everything to avoid this in the future. I am just hoping that he will stop. One of the reasons he may not have stopped before may be that most of the times (excpet for one) when he got drunk I did not make it clear that his behaviour really upsets me because at this point I thought that getting drunk from time to time for guys is OK. HOwever, since he is already 36yrs old and it seems to happen once every 6 months I suspect that this drinking behaviour may be quite regular rather than exceptional. And this last time just proved my gut feeling - hence I decided to seek your advice and see whether I make too much of a fuss about his behaviour or whether my concerns are legitimate.

Just wanted to add that when we do go out sometimes TOGETHER he does not drink but only couple of beers, it's just when he is WITHOUT ME that he just lets it go, probably because he knows I am not there to see and get upset! It even worries me more when he does it when I am not there.

Also, I must say that I am a bit worried as my wedding is in two months but I guess it would be too late and too small of a problem to back out now.. I love him and it's kind of hard. I am just hoping that he is not an alcoholic as the last thing I would want to do is to marry one even if it meant backing out shortly before the wedding (I know how it can feel as one of my family members married an alcoholic and she's had a very hard time)

Thanks again for all your help,

Best,
Christine,

[kasiakanion]

Thanks so much for the advice and Al-Anon contact details.

[YeloDasy]

It bothers you, that is what matters! See if you can talk to him about it and find a solution together. If not, then you might want to think about your future!

[fuzznuttski]

Christine, you've shown some amazing resilience through this. I agree w/ the sugegstion to attend Al-Anon to help you w/ YOU! Hopefully your fiance` will see your concern is not just blowing smoke. It's as real as his problem w/ the booze. The maladaptive behavior that Dr Bill alluded to is a big warning signal. It's a cry for help, but he don't know that... yet. In AA we say "Carry the message, not the drunk". Your responsibility now is to you, & perhaps he'll have the courage to admit to the problem.

As for the wedding, it may be a tough call. That's where the support you seek may help you avoid a mistake... or help him wake up! Be true to yourself... it may rub off!