[Countrygirl1011]

We have been dating for almost 2yrs now. When we first were dating the sex was spicy, great and often. Now it's like it's almost non existent (once a month).

The changes that happen from then to now, is that I have gain a substantial amount of weight (50lbs) and It seems like everything I try to do, exercise... diet haven't been helping. It was from going to an active job to practically a desk job. So of course my low self-esteem hasn't helped this situation. I have had a hard time not dwelling in the past about arguments we have had. One in particular is presently engrained; he told me when I was getting heavier that my weight was becoming a problem for him. So because of that I have had problems thinking that we don't have sex because of my weight. He has told me that he was sorry for ever saying that to me and he is still attracted to me. We have had countless conversations about our relationship anything from me not being able to communicate, to him masturbating instead of having sex with me. He told me the reason is that we don't have anything in common anymore. That my lack of motivation is what is keeping him from being "attractive". That my attitude in life is less than to be desired. I know I haven't had the best personality lately; however I have been working on it. He has told me that I am still attractive to him but my low self-esteem and low self-worth is what bothers him.

My rebuttal was that he hasn't made me feel like a women and I want to be ravished and feel pretty. Instead I find out he would rather masturbate watching porn than to make me feel good and come to me for sex. This is starting to hurt me even more emotionally than I want to. I also feel like every time we have a conversation it's always comes back to me being the problem and my attitude is not good enough for him. I feel like I have been doing really well and being positive but maybe I haven't. How do I get past this? I feel like I have exhausted the conversations with him to help fix this and that's it's the same conversation over and over.

[tickle]

I think you should read the writing on the wall. It seems he has gone through all of the excuses and not able to find something else wrong with you. You have exhausted the conversations and it is time to move on away from him.

[smoothy]

And you never masturbate yourself... ever? If not... why?

You are young... aren't you? Probibly the first real relationship that's lasted more than a few months?

Sex is always spicier when you first start dating... and it always become more routine as time goes on... might be in as little as 6 months... might take as much as 3 years... but its always going to happen.

How exciting it can be maintained depends on both of you... and what things and tastes you share in common.

Also remember guys are visual... women aren't... so there are vast differnces there... women also view sex differently... guys see it as a way to relive stress... women usually see it as a type of supreme intimacy...

Also many time a guy just wants to get off without all the stuff involved with getting you excited and taking care of your needs... which is significantly longer...

Also something really important... we guys were not born with the caqpability of reading minds... and few of us are really any good at understanding subtle hints. You need to be able to talk... and express your wants and needs.

Also... the low self esteme issue... its not his to fix. Its yours. You need to deal with that. Nobody should NEED someone else's constant reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Most people don't in fact.

And high self estem is something guys pick up on and find quite sexy (which women also do as well)... thats why you sometimes see a really good looking guy with a not so good looking woman. YOU can bet she's got great self esteme and a personality going on that more than compensates for her physical actractiveness.

And then there is always the possiblility of you have grown appart. You've only been together for 2 years....it happens more frequently the less time you have been together.

[talaniman]

He is half right, and you are too, but self esteem that depends on sexual activity is doomed to fail. Do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself. This obstacle can be easily overcome to your benefit by you.

[smearcase]

Anyone who doesn't think that appearance is a factor in attraction and relationships is kidding themselves. Fifty extra pounds can't be put on without some significant changes in appearance. There may be other issues affecting both of you, but since he brought it up there is no doubt that the change you have gone through with your weight is one of the issues.
Low self esteem probably only exacerbates the weight problem, and the weight lowers the self esteem some more- vicious cycle.
Whether this guy is worth a hoot or not, getting rid of that extra weight with one of the many programs or medical assistance necessary, will be a positive for you in every aspect of your life. Do it for yourself, not for him and let the chips fall where they may. I have fought weight problems all my life and now that I am a senior citizen I am glad that I kept up the fight, and still have to fight it every day. I see so many folks of box sexes in their 40's, 50's, 60's in wheelchairs with heart problems, diabetes, and primarily joint problems caused by overloading their joints with weight the body was never intended to carry.
Get rid of as much of those 50 extra pounds as you can. Women may not be as sensitive to extra weight on males as some men are with respect to women, and some men like heavy women maybe. But the bodies and organs of neither are designed to carry the extra load.

[Countrygirl1011]

Thanks for all the great answers and advice. I am 29 years old and I have been in a few long term relationship that have lasted from 1 to 2 yrs. I also masturbate but not to the extent that my boyfriend has been doing. We have discussed things that we can do together more to have more in common. But its still just a little heart breaking that after a month of going without sex that I got no hint that he even wanted to be intimate. It is possible my "hints" are not strong enough to indicate I would like to have sex? When we did talk about my way of trying to get some attention he said I was too aggressive about it and that it seeme more like I was just goofing around and being sill. Any advice on how I can better my Tactics? I do know I need to work on myself and my self-esteam issues a lot and I do have plans when this weather gets nice. Could I have Seasonal Affective Disorder - Seasonal Depression. Would that be part of why I am so down about myself? My boyfriend brought that up on one of our conversations.

Thanks

[talaniman]

Its something to consider, and explore. The more you know about yourself, the better you are at coping with yourself, and others. I am heartened by your willingness to explore the possibilities, and make some good adjustments for yourself. It's a great sign that you can talk with your partner. An open mind gathers many facts which lead to good decisions based on the facts, and NOT just the feelings.

In short you sound pretty cool. :)

[smoothy]

I'm willing to bet if you can resolve the self esteme issues... you might find at least some of the other problems either diminish or disappear. Like I said... there is something a woman who feels good about herself projects that makes her more appealing than she migh normally be.

Smearcase makes a point... and a lot depends on the guy... example.. my personal tastes are on the skinny side of average... thats not saying I've never dated any women that were on the heavier side of average, because I did...more than a couple... what they did have that overcame that for me was high self esteme and a great personality... No, didn't marry any of them... but that was due to just not finding enough in common to consider it.

Also point to remember... just because he masturbated doesn't mean he really wanted or had time to be intimate at that moment. Its possible he did... but it can't be assumed.

[Jake2008]

To answer your question, he masturbates to porn, and that is his preference, obviously. I would think that a man can only do it so many times, and thus his actual sex life with you has diminished to once a month.

You're making it easy for him not to address relationship issues, and intimacy issues, because you think you are causing this.

Think twice.

[Homegirl 50]

He has told you in many ways he is no longer attracted to you and has blamed you for the breakdown. Personally all the masturbation he is doing is not helping either.
He is giving you excuses. I think you should leave him. You are a young woman, why would you want to stay with a man like that. He say he does not want you but stays anyway?
Get yourself in shape and lose weight for yourself if that is what you want but don't do it thinking he will change, he likely won't.

[509cougs]

He may be addicted to masturbation and porn. The symptoms are less intercourse, erectile dysfunction, lack of communication, and lack of intimacy. It is a serious issue and will not get better unless HE does something about it. He must get counseling and into a program. You should get counseling too. It is traumatic experience and you need support. I know. My husband is in treatment now. Watch this video. It may help you breech the subject to him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

[carolmonroe38]

I'm thin and not unattractive. Yet my husband prefers porn instead of having sex with me. I'm not going to post a long list of what I've done to "spice" our marriage. When I asked him last night why we don't have sex anymore, he blamed me for wearing too much (Victoria's Secret) lingerie and for not initiating. How can I initiate when he can't..

The main reason is he's older and is taking a medication that causes impotence. So porn is available anytime and offers novelty. They never gain weight nor get younger. I can't compete with that. Being blamed damaged my self-esteem and I'm not the only person who feels this way. This is a common reaction.

I want to leave but my job skills are obsolete and we have young children. I'm trapped. Most of all is we love each other and is compatible except for sex. That said, it's not too late for you. You're too young to be in a sexless relationship. Good luck.

[smoothy]

The problem is the two of you (the last two posters specifically) would rather blame something or someone for a problem that is all your own. You own yourself esteem.. its not the fault or responsibility of anyone else. And Listening to the "poor me" thing over and over sucks any fun out of having sex with that person. You cold look like a supermodel but if you moan and complain long enough its going to be an utter turnoff for him eventually. Most guys would rather have an enthusiastic woman that's average looking and somewhat over or under weight but is enthusiastic and has a positive attitude than someone the perfect weight and looks that does nothing but spew woe is me and every other negativity imaginable all the time.

Looks only get you so far... personality, outlook and attitude can take you everywhere.

Second thing... Porn has nothing to do with you... to a guy its exactly the same as romance novels are to women. Sometimes we just want to release some stress without the drama and stories. If you never masturbate... ever... that explains part of the problem, and actually says a lot about you.

Sex does not equal intimacy to a guy... they are separate issues... that happens to sometimes occur together. To women one is inextricably part of the other.

ALL men like seeing naked bodies... its natural.. its who we are and how we are wired... we stop liking to see naked bodies when we draw our last breath and our heart takes its last beat. Impotence doesn't stop it....

I can see despite being married... all of you have actually paid very little attention and learned very little about men.

If you want to understand men... you will read and listen to what I said... if you prefer to cling to your incorrect ideas... nothing will ever change for you , because the same thing will happen with the next guy.. and the next and the one after that.

Thankfully most women do not feel or act the way you do about this... And that's a good thing. We guys gravitate towards them eventually when we get tired of the drama and excuses.

Its an old axiom... but its true... Beauty is skin deep... ugly goes clear to the bone. So show your inner beauty proudly.

Also... Beauty fades... but a good personality lasts forever. Guys understand this... all but the most shallow ones anyway.

[carolmonroe38]

Men don't understand how hurtful being blamed for the lack of sex is to a woman. But I've read it too many times in other sites and heard from my friends about it. It's one thing if a stranger doesn't think I'm attractive enough. It's another when it's my husband. If you think being rejected by my husband and talking about it is a "poor me" attitude, so be it.

I have skills and stamina. I'm not as good as a porn actress, but I do pretty good. Our best record was four in 14 hours... after having it twice three days prior. Otherwise, once or twice a day is "normal." And don't say I wore him out either. Quit looking for an excuse.

I only talk to him about it once or twice a year about this in a calm and mature manner. He just doesn't feel it's important.

We have a good relationship with minimal conflict. No drama.

I don't rely on my appearance. We connect mentally. Except when it comes to sex nowadays.

Porn does affect me. If he didn't watch so much porn, we'd have sex once every couple of weeks. When he watches porn, I get it once every six to eight weeks and get blamed for his lack of desire.

I enjoy watching porn too. I encouraged him to watch it so he'd have sex with me. We used to watch it together. He chooses to watch alone anyway.

Impotence is a medical diagnosis so it does exist. It's physical not always mental. There's a reason Big Pharma created Viagra.

Wow. I don't know who you've been involved with, but you're projecting her to me. Please don't do that.

[smoothy]

Who's projecting... why do your blame your self esteme problems on others... If you can't feel good about yourself... nobody else can possibly do it for you. And you don't have to be a beauty queen to feel good about yourself. A woman who feels good about herself is more attractive to a guy than one who doesn't is.

You wouldn't find a guy who mopes around complaining about how bad he feels about himself... how he just doesn't measure up to toe porn stars hung like trees that can apparently hump like rabbits for hours ( Porn isn't any different than any Hollywood movie... its all fiction from the perspective of the people who produce it)

I bet you watch a lot of chick flicks, romance novels or movies... and the sort... those to the female mind are no different than naked bodies are to a mans. You get all warm and fuzzy when you see your favorite hunky actor (fill in the appropriate name).

Women are ceribral on things like this... guys are purely visual for the same thing.

Nobody questions impotence is real... Things like Viagra won't work for everyone... and might actually kill some. Its not a cure all... it is a work around for a very specific but common cause of the problem.

He could masturbate without being able to get an erection... he however can't have any form of intercourse without one. If you don't think that doesn't hit a guy in his ego... you'd be seriously mistaken.

A man likes seeing naked bodies just like women like seeing handsome guys(or beautiful women if that's their thing). It doesn't stop at a certain age.

I'll also qualify my observations... women without self esteme issues tend to think the same thing as most of us guys do...

If one has personal issues... its that persons issue to deal with. If they want to hide from them.. its their choice... however its not an excuse to blame everyone else for it so they won't have to face it and deal with it.

Ever see Real nice looking guys with a not so attractive woman... she feels good about herself and he finds that attractive... the same if you see a really good looking woman with a not very good looking guy... sure he might be rich... but more likely he feels good about himself and is attactive to her.

A lot of things are cumulative... having a bad mood one day... its easy to forgive and forget... but constantly being nagged or needled most or all of the time wears a person down and eventually creates apathy.

You connect in ways other than looks... great.. thats a good thing. You could always lay back and have sex... now that's not saying you would enjoy it at all... because there is a lot more to it for that... but you could. If a guy can't get it up, for any reason... then its simply not happening. Could be medical... could be mental.. could be a combination. Nagging(in general) constant complaining, or constant negativity is a real libido killer for a guy.

He could walk in the house... horny as heck... but if all he hears is complaining about your job... the kids, how you feel like crap because (fill in the blank when it's a frequent event)... that he didn't pick up the right brand of bread... etc... that desire can fade to nothing really quick... and it might be that way for the rest of the day or the rest of the week depending on how often it is.

So instead of compairing yourself to some porn star... which is a really dumb thing to do... because you don't compare yourself to famous actresses do you? He doesn't compare himself to famous actors or athletes... and feel bad he's not like them or better.

Most other people don't either... because they know they are who they are... love it or leave it. And no person can do better than be the best they can be. It's a fools errand thinking they can.

If you go through life looking for the bad in things... you will find lots of it... and you are not going to see all the good things. And there is lots of that too.

[Countrygirl1011]

Well, I would like to update to my question I asked. So my boyfriend and I have had a few good conversation about his masturbating and how it affects me and he seems to understand. But I have had this nagging feeling that there is more to these conversations. Unfortunately I have been snooping on his iPad (I know it’s wrong of me to snoop) my trust is thinning. He has been masturbating every day sometimes twice to porn sites either in the mornings after I leave for work or he does it after I go to bed (we don’t go to bed at the same time, he doesn’t sleep the best). Sometimes I will find Craig’s List Personal sites he is going to. Whether his is replying to those personal ads, I don’t know. I really don’t think he is, just looking at the pictures. But I am really upset.
We did have sex finally and it was good but still the same as other times (no spice) and I even tried to spice it up. I also initiated the sex to. Ever since then I have been trying to have sex again and it’s been a no go. Then I find out that he is watching porn and masturbating after I try to initiate sex. I am just lost on what to do, if anything?
I have been bettering myself and started to work out every day and get a good sweat. I gave myself a goal and signed up for a 10K in about 6 weeks. Not that I am going to run the whole thing, but it will give something to shoot for. Since I have been doing this I get no response from him, I was hoping I would get something along the line of “I am proud of you, you’re doing great” or even maybe wanting to do my workouts together. But I get nothing, maybe it’s too much to ask, I don’t know? He’s already in decent shape without having to do anything.
I even tired as far as seeing if he wanted to watch porn together but he just balked at the idea. I feel like I am in a lose situation. I really do care about him, but I feel like if I have to try this hard to get sex then this isn’t going to work. Sex or being intimate is the only Issue I really have with him, everything else is great. I don’t know if I should just back of and focus on myself, but at the same time I would like to feel wanted every once in a while (sexually), I would like him to initiate the sex instead of me.. The sad thing is I even told him some of these things I would like for him to do. Does he have a problem or do I? Why does he need to masturbate so much? Is it he just would rather take the easy route then have sex with me? Aaaaahhhh so frustrated.

[smoothy]

How do you know he's masturbating twice a day? Did he actually tell you this? Or are you imaging that he is? This point is VERY important. He's an adult... he's entitled to look at porn if he wants. Looking at porn does not equal masturbating at all much less every time. He's also entitled to rub one out from time to time if he wants. As are you.


Honestly... speaking as a guy... if you was snooping on me... I'd end it. You are invading his personal space... he is the one who has a right to not have any trust. A girlfriend doesn't have the "right" to violate personal space... a wife really doesn't either. I bet if you caught him going through your phone, your purse... anything that's yours just trying to catch you doing something... you would get bent... and you would have the right to... why do you think its OK for you to do it, despite "knowing its wrong". That actually makes it even worse because you did it anyway.

You know... and sorry if this comes across as being rather blunt. But that is a real peeve for me and a LOT of guys. But if you even THINKING that way... its going to be reflected in your other behaviour, and if its reflected in your other behaviour.. its going to reduce or even eleminate his desire for intimacy with you.

As far as those sites... first they are free, A LOT of guys are sick and tired of the overly done bimbos that have had upteen plastic surgery procedures before they turn 24. It's a guick easy free way to see real... natural women. I'd guess most people just look... far fewer respond. You are wrongly assuming a lot of things... that anyone that looks is responding... looking at porn is whacking off each time... and that he isn't entitled to his personal space.

Your actions are actually counter productive... you want more sex... yet you are doing many things that will ensure you get less... then you blame it on him.

Sorry if that comes off as a Tirade... or a rant. I'm being blunt in the hope that you wake up and see it the way he probably is before the point of no return is reached. I'd be really upset with my wife if she ever did that (but she's NOT the paranoid snooper type thankfully)...and there would be hell to pay, but I'd end it right there with any girlfriend that ever would try it. Violating someones personal space is also a violation of their trust. And thats a very serious transgression no matter who does it the man or the woman.

[talaniman]

Maybe he does indeed have a serious problem, or deep seated resentments, or fears and worries. No telling and he isn't telling. Maybe this is but a preview of the future with him. The honeymoon is long over, and the work has started. If everything is perfect except for the sex, then you adjust to it, talk/fight about it, or leave.

I don't think everything except the sex is okay at all. Its just the tip of the iceberg. If he doesn't encourage, support, and acknowledge you, that's a bigger issue than a lack of sex. The fact you cannot resolve your issues to benefit you both is a huge issue. Maybe you have not gotten to that point, or it needs more work, and more time but I doubt he is working as hard at it as you are and at some point you will have to acknowledge that fact, and make your own course of action.

His solution and course of actions sure isn't working for you now is it? He seems to leave you out of the equation and that's no good to building a life that you both enjoy together, is it?

[Homegirl 50]

I think you have problems bigger than sex. I think he may be addicted to porn but the fact that he has such little regard for your feelings or what you do is telling as well. I said it before and I'll say it again, I'd leave him. He knows what the problems are, what your concerns are and shows no signs of trying to fix or even compromise.

[Countrygirl1011]

Is it possible for guys to watch porn and not masturbate? I thought the purpose of watching poon would be to get excited and have a release?