[rakesh14021983]

Hi,

Just joined this site, and I need help. I met this lady, around 1.5 months back at work. We work for the same company, but in different cities. Anyway, we started talking almost immediately after we met, and before we knew it, we admitted to each other of being in love. For the last 1 month odd, we have been speaking hours every single day, some how while managing our work and everything else. Sometimes it means that I have to spend very long days at office just so I can speak with her peacefully and at length, and I do that. Sometimes I just keep walking miles, while she drives back home, again so I can give her company and we can just move from strength to strength in the relationship. She stays alone, so I try and be there for her every waking moment. When I reach home it's talk or something else. We had made plans of meeting up and spending time with each other over this weekend. I had taken leave from office, and even booked my tickets yesterday to travel on Thursday. She was with me over the phone, and I have never heard her happier. I had been dying for this. We both had planned this for so long and to the T. I am an old school romantic, and extremely sensitive as a man, and I finally thought I had found the right one. I still believe she is the one.

Yesterday her cousin (who is down from the US), comes over to stay and catch up with her at her place. This morning I get a text from her to call her. When I do she sounds annoyed, says she has not slept the whole night n been thinking of us. Apparently her cousin (who does not even know me), told her she was making a mistake in letting me in her house for a stay etc. This was supposed to be our time together, and I was stunned that in a matter of 4 – 5 hours things had changed so drastically for her. She has told me not to come over, she says she loves me, but she is scared of living with me right now in the same house (something that I still do not understand). All of a sudden today she tells me that she needs time, but she does love me. We haven't spoken now in almost 6 hours, and its such an alien feeling. We are literally a part of each other every single day, and I am just stunned at the turn of events. I have given her everything I possibly can, also neglecting my own interests and needs. I really really love this woman. Please help me. Please.

[tickle]

You have never actually MET this lady, correct ?

This has been for you and her a long distance relationship where 'love' is guesswork, a wish because you do not really know each other physically.

In any LDR, where two people have not actually met physically there are cautions to be observed when you do meet. This lady has wisely been advised by her cousin that oweing to this, you cannot visit her at her home and stay there.

If you two want to meet then it has to be in some generic spot where safety is possible.

Now do you understand the situation?

[smoothy]

Tickle is correct...

Also she can't "love you" as you have never even met yet. Lots of freaks and bad people out there... I'm a guy and I wouldn't let someone into my home I've never even met before.

I could wake up dead... all of my valuables gone... and nobody would know who did it.

[rakesh14021983]

Sorry... I don't think I was clear enough when I wrote. We most definitely have met and spent time together. When I spoke of the travel this weekend, it was more to say that we will actually be staying together.

[smoothy]

How often have you met.. and how long did you spend together (in person, not online).


Meeting once is not the same as having met 20 or 30 times. Besides..her house...her rules.

[talaniman]

Thank god she has a good friend to slow her down to think as you both are carried away by feelings right now. Have fun dating for a few more months and use your head and not your heart.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!!! And of course you won't know why. She lives alone what about you?

[rakesh14021983]

We have met more than 10 times... N yeah I live alone too. Point is we both DID use our heads when we got into this. And yet I don't know what warranted the turn around. Like I said, I have done so much for this woman.. N she often used to say she is torn between her work and me, and wants me in that deal. I still gave her all the space to do her work as well. Never demanded anything

[J_9]

You have only known her for one and a half months. Seen her in person 10 times.

This is WAY too fast to be declaring love. Her cousin is talking some sense into her and telling her to slow this relationship down. This is a crash and burn situation. This is too fast and too furious if you can't go more than 6 hours without talking to her.

Time to give her some space dude. Give her time to sort out her feelings without your influence.

[Cat1864]

Her cousin seems to have injected a bit of common sense into this relationship. You are sounding obsessive instead of romantic. You can't even go six hours without being in contact with her. This is not healthy. Neither is neglecting your life and needs. You have known her for a month and a half. You need to remember that you have a life too before you start neglecting your work and lose your job.

You say that you have given her space to do her work, but you aren't giving her space to breathe or go about her life. Some women are swept off their feet by a male who gives them attention and wants to be with them every minute of every day. She may even encourage the behavior because that is what women are taught to think they need and want. Then they realize that it isn't love. Love is more than lust and obsession.

May I ask for more background such as how old you are and what your experiences with love have been?

[rakesh14021983]

I am 31. Have been in my share of failed relationships like everyone I guess. And while logically I do understand where you all are coming from, the point is that it was mutual. Still is or else she would not be telling me she loves me in the day.

It most definitely is not lust or obsession. That I can vouch for.

[smoothy]

You don't have love this early on... you don't have this level of obsession with love, but it is common with lust.

Also if its love you don't really have this NEED to keep saying it every day several times a day... either of you. You don't need constant reminding to convince either of yourselves if you actually are.

Sorry but not being able to go six hours without speaking to her, texting her or writing to her... has every indication of lust... not love and clearly an obsession.

It actually becomes rather annoying fairly quickly.

[J_9]

Love provides a set of boundaries. Obsession does not. You don't seem to know what the boundaries are in your relationship with her.

[J_9]

we started talking almost immediately after we met, and before we knew it, we admitted to each other of being in

love.

we have been speaking hours every single day, some how while managing our work and everything else.

I have to spend very long days at office just so I can speak with her peacefully and at length,

I just keep walking miles, while she drives back home, again so I can give her company

I try and be there for her every waking moment.

We haven't spoken now in almost 6 hours, and its such an alien feeling.

I have given her everything I possibly can,

neglecting my own interests and needs.

Read the bolded parts of your original post. This just screams obsession.

Her cousin is the voice of common sense telling her to slow this relationship down a notch.

[talaniman]

You may be Mr. Sensitive to your own feelings and feel rejected and disappointed by the change in plans right now, but you must also be sensitive to her position too. That would be a healthy honest love that you must adjust to.

We all can understand you being disappointed, but things are only delayed to make you both think of a smarter way to proceed. Be considerate and see her side of this dilemma. This isn't just about YOU, or how much you do for another. It would be insensitive of you and rather selfish if you think about it. This is real life not a game of two lonely people inexperienced in affairs of the heart getting a chance not to be lonely. You both need a life apart from work, and each other, so get the stars out of your eyes.

Over time you will see that this intervention was a needed wake up call to curb the over eagerness of two lonely people carried away by their own initial feelings. Now date and have fun getting to know each other more. Now what to do about that ticket, and the time off work? Too late to cancel your leave and get your money back?

[joypulv]

The amount of 'giving' you are doing, especially at the neglect of your own life, is an ominous sign of doom. I have never known such sacrifice to work out for the good, and I am in my 60s. Why?
- Eventually the 'over-giver' resents the other person for lack of appreciation and reciprocity.
- The other person feels uncomfortable with the lack of equal giving, even angry for feeling inadequate with what she is contributing/sacrificing.
- Too much time together is bad for any healthy relationship. It stifles individual interests and other friendships, and the need for some time alone.

You are making a big deal out of a simple demand that this slow down. Either force yourself to take it in stride, or lose her. Your choice.

[rakesh14021983]

The amount of 'giving' you are doing, especially at the neglect of your own life, is an ominous sign of doom. I have never known such sacrifice to work out for the good, and I am in my 60s. Why?
- Eventually the 'over-giver' resents the other person for lack of appreciation and reciprocity.
- The other person feels uncomfortable with the lack of equal giving, even angry for feeling inadequate with what she is contributing/sacrificing

@joypulv


Help me please... This is EXACTLY what she has been saying for like a week now. Point 2.

[talaniman]

Start by apologizing for being an over aggressive eager beaver, and slow down your pursuit of the one by constantly calling, and online from work. You know, act normal with common sense.

Temper your enthusiasm.