[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi guys and gals...

I have a question... I was watching this T.V.Programme about relationship breakups and how feelings often change over time.

It really made sense to me having come out of a 3 year relationship last year that once the sparks have died, once the honeymoon period is over, often a relationship presents many challenges to both in the relationship. For me and my ex, I think things may have been changing after 2 years and she was slowly cutting the feelings she had off because she basically wanted out. Of course, I was (at the time) oblivious to this because I did not feel this way but looking back, even for me, I could see tensions in the relationship, things that needed working on. I mean, she was younger than me anyway, 6 years in fact and only 20 so obviously not really ready for anything serious so sooner or later it would have happened.

What my question is, do you think that relationships can be saved if people just took the time to work on problems when things start to go stale (so to speak) This is something I offered to do with my ex, I tried to talk it through but she would have none of it, it was basically too late for us to save the relationship. In my opinion though, it takes a mature couple to understand that relationships are not just about the sparks, but about compromise, sacrifice and standing by one another. Then again though, the flipside to that coin is that if one person wants out of a relationship, it would be selfish for the other person to expect the to stay in a relationship that they are not happy with.

Any thoughts?

I'm thinking out loud.. :)

[Jiser]

I think commitment comes for people when they are ready - usually when they have matured enough. In today's world this seems to be later 20's early 30's but for some never... But from experience I have seen adult couples tend to try and work things out unless cheating is involved.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think commitment comes for people when they are ready - usally when they have matured enough. In todays world this seems to be later 20's early 30's but for some never...But from experiance i have seen adult couples tend to try and work things out unless cheating is involved.

That's really what I think it is you know, age and maturity and an understanding that relationships are hard work and that love is what is left behind when the sparks have gone.

I do think though that relationships go through phases and once these have all been ridden out, it is make or break and this boils down to the individuals concerned. I think relationships are precious and simply giving up in my opinion is not a wise move. However, if one is not ready then this is a different story and I do believe that age has a lot to do with it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Saying that though, people in their 30's upwards who are married experience difficulties with these phased and feel that they are in an unsatisfying relationship. This is where I believe communication is key and recognizing signs. Perhaps this is why people in their late 20's onwards are more inclined to work at it, not only are they more mature by then but also will have had their fair share of unsuccessful relationships to understand where they went wrong in those and how they can avoid the same mistakes again.

[Jiser]

Agree, it hurts for us who want to try and work things out - who are potentially 'ready' for commitment. However are ex partners were not. However at the end of the break up it allows us to re evaluate our lives and where we are going. Such an important moment the first major break up. We can learn so much and must take away the experience and lessons learnt.

I think those who aren't ready for commitment seem to jump from relationship to relationship until one day it finally clicks, I don't want this anymore? I want to be in a stable relationship now - late 20's ? I think a lot of people don't want to be settled until 30 now (the common '30' goal to aim for marrige)

[Geoffersonairplane]

Well, yes.. I am 3 years off the 30... LOL I am aiming to find a new princess to marry by age 35.. LOL

My sister is 34 and is now getting married, her fiancé 37 but he is also divorced and married his ex very young, 20 and she was 19 I think. Later on, 5 years ago in fact when she was 31, she cheated on him and then went completely wild saying that she missed out on something when she was younger. This proves that people are just not usually ready for anything as serious as marriage until at least the late 20's or early 30's.

[Jiser]

I am having more fun than ever at the moment in life, but I really miss having that special someone to share it with. Sux being single..! I think there are those who want commitment young... but I would never want to be married until 30 at least!! : }

[talaniman]

It always takes two no matter what you want, or feel for someone, and its not so much as age that makes us ready its more a maturity and healthy willingness to work together, and balance, I think between the relationship, and individual happiness. We all make the mistake of smothering our partners and they will tire of it and its much better if both feel free to grow on their own and explore themselves, with out lot of pressure or conflict. In other word support each other in the things the partners like to do. When one is unhappy the relationship suffers. It takes years for some of us to learn to communicate our feelings and fears in a nonthreatening healthy way, and as long as the lines of talking and listening is properly maintained the chances of good relationship growing is excellent, if both are willing to work together. Would you believe after 30 odd years we are still willing to keep working?

[NowWhat]

I think that if you are married to someone - then if you work on things as they happen - you may find a higher success rate.
But when dating... I don't know. Everyone you date is not "The One" - so, with time, you figure that out. For some relationships, you figure that out quickly - in others - it is a long process that (if it is not meant to be) ends painfully.
Of course, I do think maturity level has some to do with it. But, I have met 20 year olds that are more mature than some 30 year olds. Age is sometimes just a number - life experiences can mature you faster than anything.

[chuff]

This is an interesting question in that I was thinking about something similar a few days ago. I kind of came to the conclusion that maybe marriage or long term relationships are a thing of the past. When I think about my Grandparents who were both married for over 40 years and my parents who married in their young 20's I just don't think today's society brings up children the same way they used to.

People get have a couple of arguments and file for divorce. My cousin dated a guy for 4 years and got divorced after 6 MONTHS. I don't know the details but when I heard that my first thought was how can that be? (Actually my thought was, I want that tiffany lamp I gave you two back. Just kidding... Kind of). But if you can't make something work after 6 months after dating for 4 years then why are you getting married in the first place?

We live in a throwaway society in a materal sense but in so many ways that has translated to other people as well. If somebody isn't "perfect" in a person's mind then you toss them aside for the next one.

Look at who the media focuses on, people like Paris Hilton, who is a revolving door. To her credit she doesn't deny it but she's clueless about real life and how real people behave. She always will be because of being born into that family. Look at Anna Nicole Smith. She's been dead for a couple months and she's still all over the media. Why? Because she slept with a lot of guys and nobody knows who the father of her child is? What a great legacy to leave behind. The media doesn't quite state it like that but they glamourize her and her actions. They ignore that she was abusive and drugged up most of the time. That's the world we now live in. When was the last time any media did a story on long relationships and what made them work? I don't know of any and if any are out there I've never heard of them.

[Jiser]

That would be a nice idea Chuff if the media did something like that :(

I know of my old next door neighbours. They have been married now for 60 years. Long time if you ask me :) Met at 17 respectively. This was I believe before the 2nd world war, they both did their bit in the war and have been together ever since.

It is clear as I look back that older generations perhaps have stayed together longer when compared to current relationships in modern society? Not nessarily happy relationships but due to the way they were bought up, perhaps they worked at things a little differently... Who knows.

[chuff]

It is clear as I look back that older generations perhaps have stayed together longer when compared to current relationships in modern society? Not nessarily happy relationships but due to the way they were bought up, perhaps they worked at things a little differently...Who knows.

Yeah it's funny, nobody ever told me this, I guess I sort of picked it up because my parents were always married, and my grandparents were married until "death due you part." My Grandpa was actually my Grandma's second husband because her first died in a farming accident back in the 40's. But I always thought I'd meet and marry a women in my early 20's and it didn't quite work out that way. I guess I sort of picked up that since that's what my grandparents and parents did that's what I'd wind up doing as well. Probably one of the reasons I became so clingy in my early 20's. I didn't know any better and I guess I just thought that's how you should behave. Looking back now I realize how stupid I must have really looked. But I was coming from that back ground and ironically most of the women I've ever dated came from divorced familys and my one ex never even met her father. As I get older I realize that plays a huge part in your expectations in a relationship.

[mckenzie134]

Ive been thinking the same I just came out of a three year relationship and my girlfriend told me the feelings just are not like the used to be. She is on ly 22 I'm 28, age is not a big concern but she just says she is not ready to be totally committed and share her life with someone at her age. This is understandable but then on the other hand if she loved me enough she said she would be ready. Girls are very weird and say a lot of different things. Age can be a huge factor if the girl has not been with many guys and had much experiences in the past that is the main system. If you have a 21 yearold with life experience who has had some ups and downs they are much more likely to work on the relationship. But as my ex says she believes she should be totally in love with me every day if we are to be together, as I'm older I know feelings wave but she does not understand and its not something you can explain... Good luck

[sypher373]

This is understandable but then on the other hand if she loved me enough she said she would be ready.

Im not sure you can say that she doesn't love you because she isn't ready to settle down at her age. Though it may be part of it, I'd hate to think that people don't love other people beucase they aren't ready to make the commitment. I'd understand, as it seems you do, that its better to have no doubts, then jump into something with doubts.

I guess I just don't believe that means she doesn't/didn't love you enough.

[talaniman]

But I was coming from that back ground and ironically most of the women I've ever dated came from divorced familys and my one ex never even met her father. As I get older I realize that plays a huge part in your expectations in a relationship.

I think a persons background is a huge factor on how they relate as a couple so I think going slow and getting to know and understand some one plays into having solid relationships. But then I think of the ones who live together for years and seem happy but don't make a year as a married couple. Weird. I think nowadays people move so fast and have such high expectations that they fall a lot faster and burn much more quick.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think a persons background is a huge factor on how they relate as a couple so I think going slow and getting to know and understand some one plays into having solid relationships. But then I think of the ones who live together for years and seem happy but don't make a year as a married couple. Weird. I think nowadays people move so fast and have such high expectations that they fall a lot faster and burn much quicker.

So... Going slow is one of the keys to relationship success.

[rol]

<<I think nowadays people move so fast and have such high expectations that they fall a lot faster and burn much more quick.>>

I think exactly the same Tal,
In a world nowadays of so many opportunities , people are finding it hard to "settle down"
Although all my sisters and brother and cousin are all relationships >10 years now so I see it is very possible. I must be the odd one out ;-) I also put this down to moving around so much and meeting people who are not living permanently in any one place.
Im sure if id stayed in my home town I would be settled by now... but then I would have missed out a lot on life experiences.

[rol]

<<But then I think of the ones who live together for years and seem happy but don't make a year as a married couple>>

Or some don't even get to the marriage ;-)lol.

This is another question I have... I have heard people change after they get married, many of my friends have talked about this about how their husband changed after they got married and how marriage was the worst step they ever took , so much that they are completely against ever getting married again... Why do people change after marriage, is it really necessary nowadays? I'm not sure I ever want to get married.
For me engagement was the worst step ever, everything went completely downhill after that.

[Geoffersonairplane]

<<But then I think of the ones who live together for years and seem happy but don't make a year as a married couple>>

or some dont even get to the marriage ;-)lol.

This is another question i have....I have heard people change after they get married, many of my friends have talked about this about how their husband changed after they got married and how marriage was the worst step they ever took , so much that they are completely against ever getting married again...Why do people change after marriage, is it really neccessary nowadays? im not sure i ever want to get married.
For me engagement was the worst step ever, everything went completely downhill after that.

I think that engagement for my ex was more for the show of things... To show to her friends she was engaged... For the ring, for the engagement party e.t.c. Id on't think she really understood the meaning of it but without sounding big headed, I truly believe I did, but I should just have read the fact that she was just not ready.

Things like getting engaged and marriage should not be taken lightly.. It is a very serious commitment.

Sorry, should not be banging on about this after 7 months...

[LBP]

She broke your heart and showed no remorse, my friend... No one expects you to ever get over it... Just to accept it and move on.