[Sarah3479]

Me and my husband had a fight last night. It started because I tried to give hints that I wanted to be intimate but he didn't realize it and was too tired. We only average about once a month (sometimes two but that is a good month). While we were fighting he said maybe he'd do it more if foreplay wasn't so long. He said oral sex is too long and it hurts his neck. I know that it hurts his neck sometimes but we've found a position that it doesn't hurt his neck. He admitted that. And as for how long it takes, the times I've noticed the clock the whole thing takes about an hour (from kissing to being done with sex), sometimes less.

I don't time myself but it seems like it takes me 20-30 minutes to orgasm from oral sex. Maybe that's longer than most women, I don't know? But also in the back of my head the whole times I'm wondering if he's wanting to do it in the first place and is his neck okay. If I think he's uncomfortable (and maybe it's been 15 min or so) I ask him if he wants to get in a different position but he tends to say "no I'm fine". I know there are other positions to try but he doesn't seem to want to try anything different. It's hard to fully enjoy it when I'm thinking he wants it to be over.

I've been feeling like sex is just a chore to him and what he said seems to confirm that for me.

He also suggested we could just do oral sex for a little bit, just enough for me to get excited, and then have sex. But oral sex is the only way I can orgasm, so it makes me feel like he doesn't care if I orgasm. And having an orgasm is what get's me really aroused for sex.


Now I don't want for him to go down on me at all anymore. But it's hard for me to get that aroused without it. I don't know how we can fix this?


Just in case you're wondering he doesn't have any neck problems or injuries.

Do any of you guys get neck cramps from oral sex?

[Alty]

First, hinting is not a good way to get what you want. Most men don't pick up on hints. If you wants something, just come out and say you want it, save both of you the trouble of playing games to get what you want.

I'm not a man, so I have no idea what giving oral to a woman is like. But, as a woman, I can say that 30 minutes of performing oral sex on my husband, would be way too much. My jaw is sore just thinking about it.

Maybe it's time to try new things and see if you can orgasm any other way other than oral. Most women don't orgasm during sex, but need other stimulation to get there. How often do you masturbate? Can you bring yourself to orgasm?

[Catsmine]

Half an hour of any type of activity is a long long time, particularly only one type of foreplay.

Secondly, try making love to him instead of having sex with him. Is your orgasm the only reason you guys are intimate? Is his? If so, masturbation is quicker and cleaner.

[Cat1864]

It sounds like sex has become a chore for him. Are you relying on physical stimulation to become aroused and orgasm? If so, then you aren't getting the mental stimulation you need.

While physical stimulation feels good, it is actually a minor part of the female arousal. Start concentrating on what arouses you mentally. Erotica including porn and romance novels and masturbation can give you ideas for what turns your brain on. Explore all types of thoughts. Maybe include sharing fantasies and ideas for other types of stimulation than oral. Think about adult toys or what some people call 'kinks' such as role-playing.

Look at ways to bring fresh energy into your sex life.

[Fr_Chuck]

With that said, 20 to 30 minutes of oral sex is a lot, not sure what sort of breaks, and you don't do that every time, if so, how boring, no wonder he does not want to do it often.

What about you just masturbating or you and him also using sex toys to let you have a orgasm first. What about just a little foreplay sometimes and perhaps use of hand or something after he finishes,

I enjoy oral, but if I had to do it every time we had sex, most likely sex would drop down a lot also.

[smoothy]

The heck with the neck hurting....as much as I like doing it....as a guy my tounge will be hurting like hell after a half hour.

Do you give him cues to be a little more efficient at it? or do you leave it on him to figure it all out. I for one do not take offense to things like a little to the left, oh yeah like that....as the women I have known were not precisely the same every day on what rings their bell.

[Sarah3479]

I don't know if it's half an hour. I've never timed it, and actually today he admitted that he's never timed it. But now I'm very curious how long it takes. Even if it has been 30 minutes before, is that really that abnormal? I've always heard it takes more time to orgasm for women than men. Every other guy I've ever been with never complained about the amount of time we had oral sex. They seemed to love it.

To everyone who asked if I masturbate. Yes. How often? I'm not sure anywhere from once or twice a week to a few times a month. I can orgasm by myself within minutes and I always have multiple orgasms. But I use very light stimulation. The way I masturbate, it's not possible for my husband to do it to me that way.

We have used our hands instead of oral but it tends to be a little overstimulating (for me). But we have found ways that it works. It's just no matter what we are doing I'm always thinking he's doing it for me, not because he wants to. He's admitted he doesn't think about sex much at all. If he were really into it then I would get so much more aroused.

I don't want to use sex toys because I'm very sensitive, so I don't want anything vibrating. And if I'm going to have something shaped like a penis, I'd just rather have his!

Cat wrote: " It sounds like sex has become a chore for him. Are you relying on physical stimulation to become aroused and orgasm? If so, then you aren't getting the mental stimulation you need. "

To Cat, I definitely use mental stimulation. If I wasn't into it mentally I couldn't get into it physically. But it's hard when you don't feel like your partner wants you like that. Honestly I've had to fully use mental stimulation to orgasm. I can't just be in the moment with what he's doing because I start to think he wants it to be over with. I have to try to think of fantasies to orgasm. I'm definitely in the moment with sex though and it's my favorite because that's when Ifeel closest to him. Even though I don't orgasm from it. There's been many times I get emotional afterwards because I feel so close to him. But I'm pretty sure he never feels that way. He's flat out said sex doesn't make him feel closer. I think it's just about the orgasm for him, I don't know.

He's always had a low libido. He's gotten his testosterone tested and it's low. He's started getting shots but so far he hasn't felt any difference. I really hope the testosterone shots work.

Oh, to Smoothy yes I definitely give him cues. I'm not shy at all to tell him softer, lower etc etc. I have asked him to use his fingers too and he always says he can't. I guess the way he's positioned he just can't? I don't get it.. Um reposition? I know if he'd use them the way I want him to it would arouse me a lot more.

[J_9]

First of all, men aren't good at taking hints. They need you to grab them by the hand and take them directly to the bed.

With that said, I have an experiment I would like you to try. Lay flat on your belly and turn your head up to the sky. Keep it like that for 10 minutes. Is that comfortable? Did your neck start to hurt?

It is quite apparent that the two of you aren't communicating sexually. Stop asking him to use his fingers. Rather, reach down and take his fingers gently and masturbate yourself while holding on to him.

Have you ever just climbed on top of him and actually sat on him, so to speak? It would lessen the neck tension he experiences the way you are doing it now.

Also, stop timing it. An hour? Are you the bionic woman and expecting him to be the bionic man? Holy cow woman, an hour is a marathon!

[CravenMorhead]

My impression that sex has turned from making love and connecting on intimate level to routine sex. Starting with a little fellatio, a little cunnilingus, A little missionary, a little doggy, and we're done. Spoon for 2 min, switch and spoon for another 2 min and sleep time. It doesn't sound like you're connecting like you should be.

When I go down on my wife, it might be 10-15min. My tongue and neck start to get sore. It isn't a comfy position, but I want to please her. If it goes much more... I usually quit.

What can you do? Communicate. If you can't talk about sex with your mate then you shouldn't be doing it with them. Honestly, if this is the first you've heard of it, then you're doing something wrong. You might have to resign yourself to a few quickies and a long session every now and again. It really sounds like you're dictating what is going to go on with sex. It really doesn't sound like a mutual pleasurable experience but rather ladies come first and then the guy can... do whatever. You two really need to talk about this.

This might involve introduction of toys, it might be different things. This can't go on.

[talaniman]

37 years of marriage taught me well that you may not get what you want every time you want it. You can pout all you want, but that does no good either, matter of fact a lack of good satisfying sex is usually just a symptom of a greater problem in another area of the relationship. You want to fix this? Then be willing to not make the sex the focal point of this problem, pay attention and see how he feels about other areas that may affect him and you in different ways.

Shooting him with man juice may not solve the problem of the minds not connecting. Look around at your life outside the bedroom and don't assume its so perfect, bet he would disagree. When the lust fades the work begins. I mean by gosh, whether its become a chore or not to service you, he tried, sore neck, tongue and ears.

Trust me it's a lifetime of paying attention and making adjustment, and for now stop depending on him to get your rocks off. That's your job, so learn how. Then you both can enjoy it. How long have you been married?

[Alty]

I definitely use mental stimulation. If I wasn't into it mentally I couldn't get into it physically.

This is a huge problem. It's not about you mentally stimulating yourself, it's about him mentally stimulating you! With women, stimulation starts long before you even get into the bedroom.

I agree with Craven. It sounds like you are stuck in a rut, a routine, one that doesn't work for him, and one that you demand to have because you only want sex if you're going to orgasm.

I don't know of any woman that orgasms every time they have sex. Heck, most women don't orgasm every time they masturbate.

You know what gets you off. If you can orgasm while masturbating, and you're very sensitive to touch, then teach him how to do it.

I love my husband more than anything, and he's a wonderful lover, but when it comes to bringing me to orgasm manually, because I don't orgasm just from the act of sex, I take control of my own pleasure. Like most men, he's a bit too rough, and a bit too eager, and even though he can get me to orgasm with his hands, it's not always fun afterwards. A bit too sore because he gets excited too, and can be a bit rough, without meaning to be. So I take control of that during sex. Doing that not only brings me to orgasm but is highly erotic for him as well. Most men love to watch their wives pleasure themselves.

You keep saying that you want, want, want. You want to orgasm, you want him to go down on you to achieve that orgasm, and if he won't do it, you feel he doesn't care about your sexual pleasure. Have you ever thought about his? Sounds like it's all about you and what you want. Maybe you should try talking to him about what floats his boat.

[Sarah3479]

Talaniman, I've seen you say that to everyone with a sexual problem. And I'm sure you're right a lot of the time. Maybe I'm totally wrong about this. But I think sometimes lack of sex (or someone having a low libido) is the problem, period. I mean if a man barely has testosterone in his body then it's probably very hard for him to ever get in the mood. He has always had a low libido since the day I met him. I've been with him 12 years. I use to do most of the coming onto him for the first few years. I use to be very confident and upfront and just climb onto him etc. After lots of rejecting from him over several years now it's hard for me to flat out come onto him. He has always been extremely subtle when coming onto me.

Cravenmorehead, I don't know if he has ever made love. I feel like I try to connect with him in that way during sex but he doesn't connect back. He's never looked at me during sex ever. I understand wanting to close your eyes a lot, I do that too. But I'd love for our eyes to connect just once. I've asked him about it before and he just says he doesn't think about it. I think he makes himself be sexual because it's something you're expected to do. And most of the time I come onto him.

Do we always have oral sex before sex? No. A lot of the time we do. But of course we have skipped that and done other things, or go straight to sex. I don't make him do anything.

J9, No I've never just climbed onto him and sat on him (if you mean his face) because he wouldn't like that. He's particular about certain things and he only wants me laying down. He won't try sideways or any kind of ways. I've always wanted to try 69 but he doesn't want to.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off defensive. I just feel really defeated like it's never going to get better.

[Alty]

I can understand you being defensive. Please remember that we can only base our posts on what we're read from you. So far you've posted 3 posts, which hardly tells the story of a 12 year marriage and all the issues in it. It leaves us very limited with the advice we can give, which is why we ask questions, so that we can determine how best to help you, what the best advice is that we can offer. Please bare with us.

Has he ever seen a doctor about his low libido? Is he on any medication that could be causing this lack of sex drive? Is there possibly something in his past that's contributing to this (which may be a question only he can answer, and only if he's willing to).

I'm afraid that the only advice any of us can really offer is how to spice things up, or how to at least help you try to spice things up. But if he really has no interest in sex, I'm afraid there's not much anyone online can offer you to get him interested.

Have you ever considered marriage counseling, or sex therapy?

[CravenMorhead]

This is going to be fun.

Talaniman, I've seen you say that to everyone with a sexual problem. And I'm sure you're right a lot of the time. Maybe I'm totally wrong about this. But I think sometimes lack of sex (or someone having a low libido) is the problem, period. I mean if a man barely has testosterone in his body then it's probably very hard for him to ever get in the mood. He has always had a low libido since the day I met him. I've been with him 12 years. I use to do most of the coming onto him for the first few years. I use to be very confident and upfront and just climb onto him etc. After lots of rejecting from him over several years now it's hard for me to flat out come onto him. He has always been extremely subtle when coming onto me.

I have been there with my ex-wife. Say no long enough and you stop asking. She asked me why I never tried any more. She was kind of shocked when she had heard that. You have to understand why he's rejecting and not take it personally. You need to know it is because he isn't in the mood not for any reason because of you. He is rejecting you. He's just not into a sexual encounter.

What is happening isn't news to you. This all shouldn't be surprising. The problem here is that it has gotten to a breaking point. This alone isn't the cause for this questioning, there is probably something else that has come up that has aggravated this issue. I am curious why this is.

Cravenmorehead, I don't know if he has ever made love. I feel like I try to connect with him in that way during sex but he doesn't connect back. He's never looked at me during sex ever. I understand wanting to close your eyes a lot, I do that too. But I'd love for our eyes to connect just once. I've asked him about it before and he just says he doesn't think about it. I think he makes himself be sexual because it's something you're expected to do. And most of the time I come onto him.

This is confusing and a little concerning. Everyone has their way of doing things and how they want things done. What you say below about him only wanting it one way, and only that singular way, I suppose shows how divested he is in this entire process. 12 years is a long time. What all do you have invested in this relationship? Children? Is this, besides the bedroom, fulfilling everything you want from a relationship. It really sounds like you're just going through the motions and not an actual relationship.

J9, No I've never just climbed onto him and sat on him (if you mean his face) because he wouldn't like that. He's particular about certain things and he only wants me laying down. He won't try sideways or any kind of ways. I've always wanted to try 69 but he doesn't want to.

This makes your "I come first" convention a little more clear. Look up GGG, it is a Dan Savage concept. It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything—within reason. (Taken from his Wiki). He's a selfish lover when he gets his love game on. That's a hard habit to break, especially when it is a 12 year old habit.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off defensive. I just feel really defeated like it's never going to get better.

Bluntly it isn't. Well it could, but it would take a massive commitment on his part and I don't think that is going to happen. The more I think on this, the more I believe that he's there because it is comfortable in this relationship and it is better then being alone. I don't think he's in the relationship because he loves you or any other reason. I think he believes this is just friends with a few benefits.

His libido and his drive isn't a surprise to you, you've known this for years. I think you've grown comfortable too. I hate saying this but I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Your needs aren't being met and unless he's willing to meet them, or figure out a way they can be met, I don't think anything here is going to change. How important is this to you? It might be time to move on to something else. I just say this to get you thinking about yourself and your priorities. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

[Sarah3479]

Thanks Alty for your last reply. And I just now saw the post you made before that.

You said:
I agree with Craven. It sounds like you are stuck in a rut, a routine, one that doesn't work for him, and one that you demand to have because you only want sex if you're going to orgasm.

I definitely don't just want sex only if I'm going to orgasm. Anytime he would want sex (orgasm for me or not), I would want it! I just want to see him be the one to want it. Sex is my favorite thing over oral sex any day. Because it's with him. I'm just saying I haven't been able to orgasm another way with him. And having an orgasm first helps me really get into sex. But it doesn't have to be that way. Have we gotten into a rut of doing things? Yea. Obviously we need to not do the same things every time. I need to change things up, but I still don't think it's going to help much.

I think that is a small small problem. The real problem is the low libido that he's always had since I've been with him.

You said: Has he ever seen a doctor about his low libido? Is he on any medication that could be causing this lack of sex drive? Is there possibly something in his past that's contributing to this (which may be a question only he can answer, and only if he's willing to).

Yes, that's why he's getting testosterone shots now. Because he found out it was low. He's gotten 3 shots so far and hasn't felt any difference. Hopefully there will be a difference eventually. For whatever reason he doesn't think the shots will help.


Have you ever considered marriage counseling, or sex therapy?

We have gone before (several sessions). I don't know if we got that much from it. At that time he hadn't gotten tested for low testosterone yet and she was telling him he should get tested. That was pretty much where it left off.

[Sarah3479]

Thanks Craven for your last reply. I don't have much to say back. A lot of what you said is accurate. Accept I know he loves me and I love him. No kids are involved. If things don't change then I can't deal with it for the rest of my life. I'm hoping things will get better.

[Alty]

I really have only one bit of advice right now. I've been in counseling, not for sex therapy, and not marriage counseling, but counseling for other issues, things from my past. I won't go into that here. One thing I learned during this process, is that it often takes time to find the right therapist. Just because someone is trained to be a therapist, or a counselor, or a psychologist or psychiatrist, doesn't mean they'll mesh well with you. Just like finding a spouse, if therapy is going to work, you need to find the right therapist for you.

I would highly suggest that you continue therapy, but explore other options for therapists in your area, until you find someone that meshes well with you and your husband. It can take time, but it's worth it if it means saving your marriage.

You're not going to get along well with every therapist, just like you won't be friends with every person you meet. You need to mesh well, get along, and have the same goals or points of view, if therapy is going to work with your chosen therapist.

In other words, I'd shop around.

[talaniman]

After 12 years you have not resolved your issues to the benefit of you both? You are tired of rejection, and he may be tired of failure to give you that oral orgasm. I see two increasingly Unwilling partners. Nothing to do with sex. More set in your ways and there is no budging either of you.

You have made this about YOU, and are distracted from the root cause of this disconnection. You will never find the solution if its not a shared effort. Let me know how those shots work out for you.

Higher testosterone levels won't make him a better lover, nor give you oral satisfaction. He may be wanting to screw more, but that won't solve your problem will it?

[Sarah3479]

First off I'm very happy with the sex we do have. Whether it's oral or not. And I AM willing to budge. I don't need to have oral sex before sex every time. And now I'm going to make a point to try different things and after thinking about all this I want to take oral (for me) off the table. At least for a while. Whenever we do that again I want to just let it happen for 10-15 min tops, If I don't orgasm by then that's okay. I'm happy to move onto sex! Literally the main issue is how often. It's been once a month for forever. And it's once a month because I'm coming onto him the majority of the time.

You said:
Higher testosterone levels won't make him a better lover, nor give you oral satisfaction. He may be wanting to screw more, but that won't solve your problem will it?

Actually it would 100% solve the problem if he wanted to "screw" me more! The only thing is that he pointed out that oral sex took too long sometimes so now I'm making a point to change that.

The sex we do have I love. I do wish he'd try to make more of a connection with me but besides that I wouldn't change a thing. Excecpt of course the frequency!

[Alty]

Tal, I do agree with you for the most part, but I do have to disagree on part of your post. If he has low testosterone, and therefore a low libido, then this is a major part of the issues they're having.

The poster isn't asking to make him a better lover, or give her better oral satisfaction. She just wants more sex, and I don't think that's even the biggest issue. Intimacy is.

She feels rejected because he doesn't want sex. Feeling rejected plays a huge part in how you feel in your marriage. If every attempt at intimacy is rebuffed, it really doesn't do well for your self esteem, or your willingness to give anything to the person that continuously rebuffs you. If, when you get the intimacy you crave, your partner makes it seem like a job, a chore, something he feels he has to do, not wants to do, well, how would you feel if your wife gave you sex once a month, but only because she felt guilty, and didn't really want sex with you? That's not intimacy, that's pity sex! Then afterwards, the one giving the pity sex, complains about the effort he had to put in. Would that be good enough for you?

No, him wanting more sex won't solve this issue. He still needs to learn how to give pleasure, and how to receive it, and that means the two of them talking, and listening, and hopefully getting someone to help them to do both.

From what the OP has written, there's more to this than more sex, or better sex. It's about connecting as a couple, it's about feeling loved and wanted, and not just like a job he has to do, and then complains about doing.

Sorry if I'm way off base here, but that's how I'm seeing it.