Check out some similar questions!

Gadget_151 · Jan 24, 2014, 12:56 PM

I’ve got two issues:

A male roommate who is also literally my only friend and two daughters under the age of six who haven’t seen their father since they were infants. A little bit of background on that, I loved him and thought he loved me just as much. We never lived together, my family needed me at home and I was happy there. We were together from the time I was 17 until I was 21. It wasn’t until our relationship ended that I learned he’d never been faithful to me and I found out at the worst time in my life; just after my brother’s funeral. Needless to say my ability to trust other people outside of family is almost nonexistent.

I have moved on and I’ve healed as much as I’m going to.

I’ve been single for three years now and I want to start dating again but the only person I’ve even been with was the kids’ dad. See how that turned out. Then there’s my roommate, my only friend that happens to be male and that I’ve known almost fifteen years now. He’s my rock, he’s here for me and my kids, they honestly think he hung the moon. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: Why not date him? We tried that, there is no physical attraction between us, just a deep friendship. I can’t risk losing my friend or the man that my girls idolize but a woman has her needs. My roommate is very protective and I’m grateful for that, but I already had a territorial brother and I don’t need another. I know this kid, if I bring a man home the sh*t is going to hit the fan at high speed.

And my girls! They’ve never met anyone but family, they don’t remember their dad or even know what he looks like. I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought my roommate was their dad, though they call him by name and they do know about dads in general. How do I explain this to them? “This is mommy’s friend”? Yeah, that’s all well and good, but when that relationship bombs and I bring home another ‘friend’, same thing again? And if that pattern repeats multiple times? A new man, a new person for them to get attached to that will eventually leave? That kind of thing really messes kids up and I don’t want that. And god forbid I bring home someone with bad intentions toward my family.

I don’t want to be alone anymore but I don’t want to set a bad example for my kids or put a rift between me and my roommate. I don’t know what I’m doing. Obviously this isn’t the kind of thing I can talk to my parents about. Dad is an “as you please” kind of man and my mom watches all those true crimes shows, she’s paranoid. Though in all fairness it would be my luck to end up with another bad example of a man since apparently I’m too much of an idiot to know I was being cheated on but then love is blind.

I also realize my question is wrapped up in a convoluted mess of exposition. I guess what I’m asking is this: Stay single to avoid another heartbreak, keep my best friend and keep my daughters safe? Or branch out and put everything at risk?

Homegirl 50 · Jan 24, 2014, 01:06 PM

You can date but you should not be bringing them home around your kids anyway until the relationship is serious. This way they won't be seeing a revolving door. Talk to your roommate about boundaries.

Gadget_151 · Jan 24, 2014, 01:08 PM

Thank you, "bring them home" was just an expression but you're exactly right.

talaniman · Jan 24, 2014, 03:08 PM

Talk to your room mate and set some "house rules". Let him know you need good clean adult fun, and friends. The dating stuff is complicated when a woman has her needs, so be extra careful who you rely on for that. Learn to date, since you have no clue, (who does), but my opinion is dating is for fun while you get to know each other, but scratching an itch is about discretion. Friends with benefits don't need to come home and be a part of your life.

That's what motels are for. If you don't know what you're doing, go slow.

Gadget_151 · Jan 24, 2014, 03:14 PM

Thank you, house rules does sound like a good place to start with my roommate at least.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2014, 06:41 AM

I think you should also have your own rules of good behavior that you follow also. Just to cover your own a$$ while you meet "your needs" and explore the dating world. Easy to get caught up in intense feelings fueled by "needs". Men have needs too! Beginnings can e great, but lust fades, love grows, with time.

Find out who you are dealing with after the lust fades. Getting your "needs" met very soon is hardly an indication of future happiness as things get complicated.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 27, 2014, 07:14 AM

I agree, he is either a room mate or a boyfriend, if a room mate, he needs to know his place. But with that said, adult fun needs to be away from the kids for now, till you are months and months into a relationship and getting serious.

Also remember, learn to date, date several guys and see what dating is.

dontknownuthin · Jan 28, 2014, 07:03 PM

First, get counseling to work through your old issues. Second, set parameters for when any man will meet your children. I would not let that happen for several months and it wouldn't happen unless I thought there was real marriage potential in an already committed relationship. When you are deciding it is time to let him meet your kids, you ask that counselor I suggested you get for advice on preparing the kids and making the introduction.

Next, calm down. A LOT. A date is nothing more than meeting someone for a few hours to have a nice time. If it's fun, you do it again. If it's not, you don't. You don't have to plan beyond that. If you see a sign in someone you don't like or that worries you, don't go in another date. Do not make allowances or justify yourself into dating someone you really don't want to be with.