[rose1991]

Hello,
I am in relationship with this guy. Its been 5 long years and I'm 23 he is elder to me by 4 years. Till nows its been an awesome journery with. He has always been a good friend, a philosopher, been with me all through tough times as my parents dissaprove this relation because of the other cast, but the problem is that he the only son in the family and has two sisters, relationship with parents is worse because of our matter in my case, because of which I am disturbed and whenevr he gets close to his family. That thing I don't like, I mean he stays away from family meets them after 7-8 months and when he describes that I love my mom, she kissed me and all, makes me irritated. I just don't like it.

Whenever he says his family problems and I try to point out their mistakes that there they are wrong, he supports them and says this how it is if we will be excellent in our career no one can stop us. That I agree but he is not comfortable when I talk negative about his family. I totally trust him, he has done lot for me. We have a good bonding. I want to be with him, but this family thing pinches me sometimes. Will they create a problem later? Can I stand his mother when she hugs him?

Please help me.

[talaniman]

In laws always represent problems and conflicts after marriage. Dealing with them is challenging sometimes, but it's a part of a life time commitment. Adjustments will be made in your thoughts, actions, and words, but it's something you do as he will also with your family. The good news seems to be he is independent of them and doesn't see them daily, so get over the petty jealousy with his mom showing him the affections of a mom for her son.

After 5 years you should have let that go a long time go.

[Cat1864]

I will admit that I am a bit confused. I understand one issue in your relationship is a difference in castes. Am I correct in thinking that your family has a problem with the difference? How does his family view the difference?

Another issue I see that I hope I am misreading is that you do not like his interacting with his family. I am unclear as to why you would have an issue with his mother showing him affection. I am also uncertain about why you feel you should point out what his family does wrong. Why shouldn't he support the people who raised him and who he cares about? Why should you want to take them away from him? Do you ever have anything positive to say about them?

Frankly, I think you need to look at your own perceptions and attitudes. Determine why you feel he should set aside his family to be with you. Can you control your impulse to be negative about his family and to correct what you see as wrong? Do you get defensive if he has negative things to say about your family or points out what he thinks they do that is wrong?

If you are going to build a strong future together then you need to communicate with each other as equals. You have to be able to openly discuss your families without having the other person constantly disparaging the other person's family, traditions, or culture. You have to find ways to accept the differences that cannot be changed. You also have to find ways to accept what he may see as his duty to his family as he has to find ways to accept what you feel is your duty to yours. It is part of compromising.

I highly suggest you get over any envy or jealousy you may feel when his mother or sisters show him affection. They are and will be a part of his life. If you expect him to give them all up for you, then you need to think about how selfish that expectation is.

[rose1991]

Thanks for your suggestion,ya his family approves as he is independent and has his job and the only son,so they approve of this relationship.but they say that you marry that girl only when her parents accept this proposal or else be apart as u dont know when they ll revolt back and kill you son you are the only one left,so just dont get married incase they dissaprove.but just that I haven't seen anyone in my family especially my brother who ever kissed or hugged mom,so sometimes that mkes me angry or like irritated.but as you said have you ever been defensive or corrected him when he is wrong? I have always been supportive and has helped him in family problems and corrected him if he s been rude to them or not able to understand.but he has been always motivating me that my family relationship will be good and will grew stronger but as my family and I share bitter relationship when I see him with his family I feel that even I wanted that love that affection from my family that I miss out.. I am confuse I am depressed at times.nut as you said it asn compromise i am trying to accept it ..and would change my attitude towards it