[Jake2008]

It sounds like you're doing more right than wrong I would say.

You and your ex communicate for the sake of the children, there are no longer any big issues between you, and you've gone on with your life.

It is easy to drift back to a place that was familiar, comfortable, and constant. Before all the problems, where there was that hug, somebody steady in your life, a partner to share everything with. I don't think you can be faulted for wanting to feel again, the good things that you felt before, and that all human beings need.

Part of the process of completely moving on is not only living in separate residences and accepting the end of the relationship, but also accepting that with the bad parts over with, so too, are the good parts.

The plus is, what you want, and need, you will find. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting what we all need, and that is companionship. Whether that is a friendship, or relationship, and what each of those consist of, it is natural to want to replace feelings of loss and lonliness to fill that particular void that was lost when you and your wife split.

As you become stronger on your own, there will be less of a shadow following you from the past. When you can meet new people, or women in particular, and be completely free to judge them, and a relationship on its own merit, without comparing to the past, you'll see some headway. One of the reasons that many experts say that it takes a year to get over a marriage, is because after all the dust settles, the emotional adjustment to being independent, takes a lot of time to work through.

At some point, you will feel you are moving forward, without one foot in the past. Such a tremendous loss is much like mouring a death. Even though the person is gone, their 'presence', and the influence they had on your life is still very much alive. But over time, nature allows us to heal from the loss. I don't think you are quite there yet.

You can't make it happen, and decide tomorrow morning that you are completely over your wife, and start a fresh new relationship without still being emotionally tied to her. It's not a fault, and there isn't anything wrong with you. Realizing through the steps of grieving the loss of your marriage, you will come to accept that you are a stronger person, and ready, to invest in a new relationship, without shadows from the past blocking your vision.

Healing, takes time. Take good care of yourself.

[talaniman]

Give yourself a lot of credit for going through a very difficult situation with a lot of reason, and discipline. I certainly do. You have your issues in very clear focus. And you don't seem to be giving in to impulse, or desperation. All good signs so far.

I can only encourage you to stay patient, and persistent as you regroup, and rebuild your life. It gets better in time and the adjustments you have made are moving you along quicker and better than you think.

The hardest adjustment after a divorce, or break up, is filling in the alone times, and breaking old attachments, and connections that all us humans need. But as you make more female, AND male friends, there is nothing wrong with reaching out, in a friendly way of course. Stay busy, and active, and pay attention, as you are learning about yourself, and will learn a lot more.

Most single people face this same dilemma as you are now, and only through planning for those alone times, do they cope with it. You recognize the blanks in your life, and fill it with good clean adult fun, and have friends, and activities you look forward too. Heavy on the activities.

Yes you are right though, in recognizing, and acknowledging the old memories creeping in, as they are still fresh in your mind, and the old habits you are so use to, being highly missed. They will fade in time, as you make new habits, and memories. It just takes some time, but so far, I think you are ahead of the curve.

Keep up the progress, small steps still keep you moving forward.

[Homegirl 50]

Healing takes time. And although you feel the need for someone in your life it does not mean that you need someone in your life right now.
Continue to work on you, do something's you have not been able to do. The relationship thing will come in due time.
Glad to hear you are doing so well.

[SBGiffy]

Hi again. Will I guess times flies when you're having 'fun'... lol. Well not really, but it's been long while since I posted, so back again for one more question. Well the good news is that after lot of pain with dealing with my divorce and subsequent heartbreaks (could write a war-and-peace sized novel with that stuff!) I finally got to a place where I was OK with being single. I made a few new friends and was happy going out and meeting people with no pressures. Then about 14 months ago I met a lovely lady and we are still happy and seeing each other today. My kiddies really enjoy seeing her (introduced them about 4 months after going out... quite soon I know but I knew already by then she was a keeper!), we really are ultra compatible in many many ways, and we are planning an overseas trip next year. She doesn't have her own kiddies so that means we are able to spend quite a lot of time together when we get the chance.

I guess the only question I have is, given the above and the time, and the fact I still have only seen my ex twice in the last 3 1/2 years (those two times were purely because my son had to go to hospital unexpectedly so I had to make nice a couple of times), is it still mostly normal for me to still sometimes miss her? I should say I miss my old wife, not the woman I haven't seen and still have to deal with via messages and email when it comes to sharing our kids 50% of the time. The wife I once loved I guess died to me in a way 3 1/2 years ago, but that's the lady I still sometimes miss. I find myself sometimes saying our little funny sayings and sweet things we would say to each other to myself etc... and then I wonder if I should be still feeling the need to do that. I guess the good news is is that my new lady is quite understanding and I can talk fairly freely about this with her. She has gone through broken hearts also, so she can relate. But I guess I wonder if this is something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life, or if the need to do that, and the feelings of loneliness and regret I still feel when I do have those thoughts and sayings go through my head, will eventually one day fade away also.

Well I guess the above is about the last thing I still have to come to terms with over my divorce. But I know 110% that the last 3 1/2 years has changed me in many good ways, and I'm now the partner to my new lady that I should have been more of with my ex wife, and although I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock, I'm happy to know I'm putting my life lessons to good use. Thanks again for all the above older comments and advice :)
S

[Cat1864]

Congratulations on the 'new' relationship.

Old memories and feelings fade but don't really go completely away. They will be triggered by any number of things such as smells, sounds, sights, etc. When it happens, smile to yourself and redirect the thoughts to the present.

You also have constant reminders of the good times in the living forms of your children. You will see parts of their mother in them and it is better to see the positive than the negative. Plus there is their need to share your memories of the times they were too small to remember on their own. It is part of their knowledge of where they came from.

As long as you aren't dwelling on 'It might have been' or 'It should have been' and allowing the feelings and memories to affect the new relationship, you are doing great. I am sure that you have probably noticed that as you have new experiences with your current partner the old memories have less of a hold. It's like looking through pictures and remembering and then putting them away again to go out and take new ones.

You wouldn't be able to care for the person in your present life if you were consumed by negative thoughts or indifference for the past.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

Bottom line is how you handle your own emotions so you can always move forward in life despite the old tugs and feeling from past experiences. We all look back and remember, but the present is where we live at, not the past.

You have done great in this regard, and should take heart in your ability to keep getting better at handling your own feelings in healthy positive ways. And get better at it. It's a never ending process.

[Homegirl 50]

Sounds like you're doing fine. You will have these thoughts because you have remimders, your kids.
As long as you are able to move on and have a healthy relationship and it appears you have, you will be fine. Glad to see you are in a good place