Hi. I feel I already know the answer to my own question. But just thought I'd get some other opinions! About 7 weeks ago my wife (almost married 10 years), after a couple of days being down, call it quits for our marriage, and since we've been in process of getting her moved out of our home (we have 2 little kids), but are currently still under 1 roof in different bedrooms. Now... I blame myself mostly for getting her to his point. We did go to one counseling session together, but (see below) by then it was too late for her. But just that one session opened my eyes to a load of things/problems my wife had been hinting/suggestion in the past. Problem was we'd patch things up and I thought everything was OK, but underneath she wasn't happy. I now see I had been not spending enough time with her, ignoring some of her emotional needs and making her feel very lonely, and just not listening and comforting her sometimes. I have been a blind idiotic fool for a long while, but it's taken the recent events to shake me enough to realise the ills of my ways. I'm seeing counselor by myself still (wife refuses to go as couple, though she is seeing counsellor herself) and I need and want to change some things about myself, and I hope and know I will. But all these positive changes are/will be too late for my wife. She said she fell out of love quite a while back, and has been in silent mourning since - I didn't know she was so far gone! So although this was all basically overnight for me, for her its been a long downhill slide to breaking point.

Now... shortly before she told me she's wants out, she got back in touch with her old teenage years boyfriend (they went out for some years) who was ultra romantic etc. He's divorced now, and without my knowing they had started communicating over computer (he lives a *long* way away) for hours each day. In last 6 weeks all this has come out. She is back in love with him, and they plan to meet up once she moves out of our house. She denies totally the two events aren't related, but having him for her to go to now makes my task of trying to have another chance and win her back all the more impossible, and makes it so much easier for her to let go of me. I don't blame him at all getting her to the point she went looking outside (as explained above I now see that was me), but it hasn't helped me cause since. So my wife says her mind is made up, wants out, wants to hook up with old boyfriend, and is going to keep commnicating with him (while we are still living in same house.. this has all been shear torture for me) until she moves out into her own place. I'm so alone at night by myself and feel so helpless knowing my life and my family are about to be ripped apart, and nothing I can seemingly say or do to stop it. I've tried everything I can think of to ask for another chance, get her to considering counselling again, but all to no avail.. infact it makes it worse as she just sees me as trying to push/convince her after she has said she doesn't want any of that now. I know I've had my chances in the past, she's been fairly honest sometimes over the years, but I was just too stupid and blind and not in the right place to really see her anguish, and now I'm about to pay the ultimate price. I don't see how anyone can replace her on so many levels, least of which being the beautiful mum on my two wonderful children.

As I said, reading the above I don't think I have much/any chance of changing her wishes and winning her back at this point. Nothing more to say/try, so I've just agreed to help her find a rental to move into.. that will help ease the torture I'm living through each day too. But I love her more than words can say still and want to win back her trust and love and give my marriage and our family another chance. I know there's little chance, but I'd take anything at this point.

Any suggestions/similar stories/ideas would be much appreciated.

The end of a marriage is a sad affair. When one party has come to the point they want out there is really nothing you can do but let them go.
The counseling will do you good and hopefully if will help her see that communication with this old boy friend is not the smartest thing to do. Perhaps that is what sent her over the edge rather than you.
But you continue your counseling. It will help you get through this and you will come out a better person. Just make sure you stay in contact with your kids.
I wish you well.

As soon as I started reading what you wrote, It sounded like another man was in the picture.

As long as there are three people in a relationship, one will have to go, and unfortunately that person is you.

To say that you could have done better, or done things differently, is something we can all say about out marriages. But, when another man is introduced in the picture, how can you fight an invisible foe.

I don't know why partners are not respected enough that private lives and marriages and breakups are kept private until they are over. Then allow healing time, and for adjustments before jumping into another relationship. Many times that green grass turns out to have a lot of weeds in it.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, and continue with counselling to find your footing again. Don't take all the blame either. Remember she was 'involved' with another man long before you knew things were as bad as they were. I think that's called having your cake and eating it to- on her part.

Not that long, and not too far down the road this will all settle down, and you will be a stronger, better person because of what you are doing for yourself right now.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

don't be too hard on yourself, and continue with counselling to find your footing again. Don't take all the blame either. Remember she was 'involved' with another man long before you knew things were as bad as they were. I think that's called having your cake and eating it too- on her part.

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I cannot tell you how important it is to listen to Jake here. If your wife was already over you and ready to move on by the time you were aware of this situation that shows something about her character. That's completely disrespectful to you, first off, not to communicate, but also to bring another man into the picture before even telling you there are serious problems with the relationship.

If you really do love your wife and want to work things out then don't give up. You may have to let her go but keep working on the issues you see that you need to change and change them. I thought I was finished with my marriage 6 years ago. I even cheated and left my husband for this other guy. I had thought that all the love I had was gone. I thought there was too much hurt and damage. But I realized that I wasn't happier leaving. All I wanted was for him to open his eyes. I was gone for almost 3 months and then I found the courage to admit that I was wrong and just wanted him back. We got back together and we worked through years of hurt and we found not only each other but our friendship as well. We have a much better relationship now. I wish I hadn't cheated but I don't regret leaving because it made him realize that actions mean so much more than words when you've been hurt so much. Listen to your wife and let her know that your there for her even though she wants out. As hard as it may be for you, stand beside her and catch her is she falls. Prove to her that you're a changing man. Good Luck

Thanks so much for all the above replies! Wow. At the moment both her and I agree she needs to move out.. she wants that, and so do I now as my current situation is just too painful. My 'wife' and I talked last night for almost an hour about our situation (before she ended it as always happens now), but I did listen to her and tried to understand how she's feeling now. She really claims that even if the old boyfriend wasn't about she'd be leaving. I probably agree with her as the last 6 weeks has really opened by eyes and I know I've been a very poor husband and partner to her for some years now. She has tried to let me know and has been fairly honest, but I let her down but not really seeing her anguish. I know she's done the wrong thing with bringing the old flame into it while we are still living together, she probably admit that's too, but she just says it is what it is now, and even though she feels people will see this as her having an affair which ended our marriage, she says she can live with that cause she knows our history and she ran out of love for me a long while back. Of course I never saw that... who's fault that is I don't know. Both of ours I guess. I just so wish we had of got counselling 18 months back when it was suggested, but I didn't see the need back then as we patched things up (well I thought we did), but even then I can see now I still went on with my selfish ways which eventually led me to the situation today. She was not even 20 when she had to separate (due to circumstances, not choice) with this guy after a few years of going out. So it's certainly wasn't anything like an adult relationship she had with him, but she says and they did seem to really love each other. Of course teenage love like that is something few people forget, so it's hard to judge it all 20 years down the track objectively! I don't know, I just feel sad (devastated) it seems to have pushed her over the edge so fast she didn't even want to consider backing off from him for just a couple of months so we could do counselling together. She's head-over-heels again, rightly or wrongly, at the moment and is no doubt just thinking about when he'll visit her after she has her own place. Of course due to distance, this'll all drag on for quite a long time before they do get to really live together as a grow-ups. I'm no spring chicken and I cannot afford too wait about and hope she changes her mind... I need that to happen very soon, or I feel I really will lose her forever, which is something I cannot comprehend still. Been together so long it seems she's as much a part of me as me. Thinking about a possible future where she and the old boyfriend are together (with my kids 1/2 the time) is just too horrible to imagine at the moment. Maybe that won't happen, but even if it doesn't, that doesn't help me as I simply don't know how to get her to see me the way she used to.. all she sees now is the bad and negative things about me, and all the things why we aren't compatible and 'would never work long term' (her words). Ugh. I know she's doing that to drive me away and thus trying to reduce my long term pain, but it still hurts. I guess she also says that stuff to try to justify in her own head her recent actions, but she won't admit that of course. I guess as was mentioend above, I have to give her what she wants and set her free and then see if she realises it was all a mistake sometime down the road. Not waiting for her though, even if she ends up happily with someone else, just seems impossibly difficult for me right now, but I know I can't and I hope one day my hurt changes to let me go on without her.

Yeah, the best you can do at this point is to let her go.
She is living in La La Land, thinking things will be the same with this guy. They are both how many years older? Not to mention the life changes experiences.
I hope it is not her plan to have this man move in with your kids,
At any rate, I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by r3dn3ckw0man

If you really do love your wife and want to work things out then dont give up. You may have to let her go but keep working on the issues you see that you need to change and change them. I thought I was finished with my marriage 6 years ago...

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Thanks for the post! Unfortunately it's what I call my 'Jekyll and Hyde' story now.. In my recent online reading about marriage breakups/relationships etc. I've seen similar stories. I love them because they give me hope for the future and thoughts that maybe there is still hope (a long way down the track) for my marriage. That's the emotional part of me having those thoughts. The logical part, and knowing my wife and what's she's thinking now, knows that is never going to happen for her. She's had feelings for the old boyfriend since those days and this is probably her chance to make it work out in a way she probably always hoped back then. I don't know if it will work out of course, especially considering everything people have said in the replies here and the fact it's 20 yrs down the basically, but I know that's irrelevant at the moment.. as long as she's thinking about him and their reunion etc. she'll never come back to me, and may not even if it wasn't for him. I don't blame her in a way considering the past (I drove her to this point), but I just so wish we could have had a proper chance at councelling/working on us (and me on me) before she jumped ship... that's what I'm never going to forgive her for, nor really understand it considering it isn't just her now, it's us and our kids and history. Thanks again for your story though.

Its always been you your wife and kids, you say yourself that she tried to let you know she had been feeling unhappy in the past but you patched it over and carried on in your usual manner no doubt.

Whilst I agree bringing a 3rd into your relationship by your wife wasn't a good move in anyone's language, I would say by the time she did this she had given up with you, because of you ignoring her attempts to let you know she wasn't happy over the years.

No doubt after all those years of being together you like many men and women the world over became complacent and comfy in your marriage, and stopped doing anything constructive towards ensuring it was reliable and stable, and you no doubt took your wife for granted forgetting she had needs and may have issues she wanted to discuss with you, and the rot set in.

Your marriage had a breakdown in communications, and after your ignoring your wife's attempts to bring those issues to your attention getting her no where, she turned to someone else to talk to, someone who obviously listened, when you didn't.

I too think that maybe your wife is living in lalaland, and will no doubt soon find that you cannot go backwards, it just doesn't work out that way, but that's going to be her cross to bear, just as yours is you failed to see the signs when your wife was trying to let you know your marriage was in trouble, and just as your wife will have to accept responsibility for thinking you can go backwards (possibly then) you have to accept responsibility for ignoring her attempts to let you know she was unhappy all those times you did just that in the past.

You say you'll never forgive her for not giving you and your marriage a chance by having counselling, you let your relationship get chipped and broken by ignoring the signs, its not just your wife who is responsible for that its you too, it took 2 to break it, you can believe that you're the victim all you want, but you aren't, you put your marriage where it is today, you had numerous years to make sure it worked, you didn't now you have to live with your neglecting that marriage and failing to nurture it and keep it vibrant and alive, what's happened now is the result of your failing to see the signs and attempts made previously by your wife.

I do agree it was a bad move by your wife bringing in the ex boyfriend but I can see where she was coming from, after her attemps at getting you to notice her, she found companionship or solace elsewhere, there's no blame here but there is failing to accept responsibility for your marriage breaking down.

Marriages need cultivating nurturing, maintaining, and input, from both parties in that marriage if you don't do these things then expect that marriage to die, you have to keep communications going in a marriage, or this is the result you can expect.

Hopefully you'll learn from this, and make those changes to yourself regardless of everything, you and so many others need to realise Marriages need to be worked on at all times.

By both parties in them.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Its always been you your wife and kids, you say yourself that she tried to let you know she had been feeling unhappy in the past but you patched it over and carried on in your usual manner no doubt...

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You are 100% right, and I accept virtually all the responsibility getting her to the breaking point. She was a wonderful partner and wife and I was a very unsupportive and selfish husband. I know I have to live with that now, and that's hard as I do know there is no one else to blame but myself. I'm ashamed of my actions. The old boyfriend thing is a consequence of my neglect. I never realised what I had been doing to her of course until recent events, and my own counselling sesssions, opened my eyes and allowed me to start to see it all in a whole new light, and see what I had been doing, maybe for the first time, from her point of view. I just wish I could now show her what I've learnt and how I know I could be something like the husband she wanted, but she is now gone, and her heart's with someone else. Damit, I am tearing up again as I write this. I know most things I've read recently say relationships and breakdowns are 50-50 , but I find it hard to see that in my case as I know I'm like 99 and my wife is 1.. If that. My counsellor said I was doing a fantastic job of being empathetic to her situation, and I have tried as that makes it easier for me to understand and live with her recent decisions and actions. I admit a part of me though does still feel the 'I was cheated on' emotions, so that makes my heart and head a bit torn at the moment, and I'm not totally sure of how I should be behaving toward her to have the best outcome for me, the children, and whatever relationship her and I have, in the future. Thanks for your post!

Her reasons for not listening are legit but to have introduced this old boyfriend is an affair (whether they have done physical things or not). It upsets me that you completely blame yourself because it is not. She might have tried to communicate with you but if you thought you changed and didn't know the relationship was sh** then she didn't successfully communicate. She should have at least given you warning as to leaving... in a very serious manner. (perhaps a break?) Either way, what's done is done. It is now YOUR turn to communicate. You must tell her how you are feeling... if she won't go to a counselor then tell her without one. While she is in the house still.. court her while you can. Do the little things you used to do before you got married. Don't push her into anything but show her you love her. I was once told a story how this husband wanted to leave her husband. She asked one thing of him; to carry her from the door everyday for so many days. They end up needing that touch and it saves the marriage. I know it sounds like a fairy-tale but you never know. That might be a little too much at this point but you get the idea (I hope). Good Luck. I hope things go better for you.

You may have been an absolute dunder head, but she chose to cheat, instead of divorce you first. That's on her in my opinion, as she had options, just as you had. You both blew it.

Heal, and forgive yourself, and rebuild, and maybe you can forgive each other someday, and be good parents together.

Then you both win, so grieve, rebuild yourself, and get through this part.

Hi all. Just thought I'd give an update for anyone interested.
This is the 2nd weekend of being by myself.. my wife finally found a place and moved out 2 weeks ago. It was 10 weeks of shear torture having to live together with no communication, so I was very glad when she moved out... but also very very sad as it signalled the end of our 17 yr relationship. Since then we've got back to communicatiing OK when we've needed to.. financial things and kids. I'm overwhelmed still with things that I need to do to sort things out, but I'm struggling along. Hard news for me to handle now is the fact the old boyfriend is visiting in about 5 weeks. I guess I'm 'ok' with the separation but the thought of him visiting only a couple of months after she moved out is really hard. It shouldn't be because I know there is virtually zero chance of her ever comingback to me, so I just need to get over it... but that's tough. My two little angels seem to be handling it OK, they are excited about having a second home! Luckily they are probably too young still to really understand why this is happening, but we kept telling them to ask us if anything is worrying them etc. I swore my whole life that I'd never bring up kids in a broken relationship, but partly because of my selfish ways I've let that happen anyway, and that sucks. I'm continuing to see the counsellor who has been good, but getting to point where there isn't too much more to say... can't make my ex come back to me, especially when she's off thinking about mr. mills-and-boon coming in 5 weeks, so it's just a matter of doing better next time and giving myself time to get over the bonecrushing sadness I feel still when I think of her and our marriage. I have tried to be supportive of her, let her know Im still here if she wants to talk or if things go wrong etc. but of course that's all water off a ducks back at the moment, but my heart hasn't let go yet . The thought of being with someone else is just creepy to me at the moment.. not sure how long it normally takes for that feeling to go away, but until it does I cannot even contemplate finding someone else to fill the void. In the meantime it has been nice having time with just me and my kiddies. Guess I need to just concentrate on that for now. Thanks again to all the above people.

Hi OP I think you need to mainly concentrate on you, and your children, but firstly you, you need to let yourself heal from this.

Its good you've realised you made mistakes.

You're wife is going to also have to learn from her mistakes, and whilst the old b/f is intending to visit her, she will have a rude awakening I feel when he does, he's not the teenager she knew all those years ago.

You're doing well you're having counselling and that will help you face facts and accept what's happened, and in time you'll learn to move on from this, you may never get your wife back, however should you at some later time embark upon another relationship you'll be going into that a wiser and more aware Man, which can only be good.

I know you feel you are to blame, however when a relationship breaks down its not so much about blame its more because of a breakdown in communications.

We all at times are prone to get complacent and its knowing when to spot that that matters more than anything.

You're working on your own issues and that too will help you in any future relationships. Good Luck you're doing well and you will get through this. Concentrate on you. That's all you can do now.

Just curious, but is this wife of yours taking the children with her or has she abandoned them as well as?

We are doing 50-50 on our children. Recent decisions I've had to make regarding them has unfortunately got me thinking about our breakup again and the lack of willing to do counselling etc. and that's thrown me into some angry feelings about it all, and thus toward her. I've told her that very soon I'd like to cut off all physical contact, not even 10 second meetings in passing etc. That's tough with children, but I feel I need to do it else I'll make it much harder for me to get over it all. Fact is she's going to be with old boyfriend for a couple of years I'm sure, regardless of what eventually happens longer term, so cutting off contact will be even more important to me then (and at least he'll add the additional motivation lol).

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Originally Posted by SBGiffy

We are doing 50-50 on our children. Recent decisions I've had to make regarding them has unfortunately got me thinking about our breakup again and the lack of willing to do counselling etc., and that's thrown me into some angry feelings about it all, and thus toward her. I've told her that very soon I'd like to cut off all physical contact, not even 10 second meetings in passing etc. That's tough with children, but I feel I need to do it else I'll make it much harder for me to get over it all. Fact is she's going to be with old bf for a couple of years I'm sure, regardless of what eventually happens longer term, so cutting off contact will be even more important to me then (and at least he'll add the additional motivation lol).

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If you want to cut communications with your ex wife then that's one thing.
However I suggest you still find a way to have time with your children, they need and are entitled to have 2 parents.

Could you arrange for a friend to collect them for you on the days you have agreed to have them, or do you have like we here in UK have social services or is it child welfare in USA, you could ask them to help you with this. To a child 2 years can seem like forever, and look how much you'll miss of their growing up. This could also have a damaging effect on them in other ways, they may feel you've stopped seeing them because it's their fault, so you've gone away.

There is surely a way you can cut contact with the ex wife without it meaning you also have to cut contact with your kids. Please before you take such a drastic step look into ways of how you can still have your children, they need you they want you in their lives you're their Daddy and they love you, and if you go away from their lives they will be so very unhappy. So Please don't stop seeing them, you're meant to be in their lives, because you're their Daddy, let them have you. Uninterrupted.

Please keep us updated about how things are going for you and your children. Don't deprive yourself of the joy you'll have watching them grow up.

If nothing else good came out of your marriage your two children did..

Also consider this what if the b/f doesn't like children or doesn't take to your two? Your children will or could end up feeling isolated. I somehow don't see him being around for very long, but if you disappear then there's no way your children can let you know they aren't happy around him. Think of your babies...

Ive mentioned 2 years based on your comment of the b/f being around for a couple of years.

Hi again. Seems I have not been clear with my above post... so sorry about that! No, I will definitely keep seeing and sharing my kids 50-50 nomatter what else happens. When I mean cut off all physical contact, I mean with my ex.. i.e don't really even want to see her for 5 seconds when we change over who has the kiddies etc. Fortunately our changovers are usually me or her dropping them off at school/childcare and then the other picking them up in the evening, so no problem there. Once or twice a week we need an in-person change, but I'll probably just ask her to let the kiddies come into my house etc by themselves.. they are old enough now that isn't a problem. So no, I'd never dream of giving up my share of seeing them. It hurts knowing in the future they will be seeing him as much as me, but not a lot I can do about that. She said she will be respectful and never let the kids think he is their dad etc. so I hope that stays true into the future.

The last couple of weeks I feel I've made some big steps though... don't seem to be thinking about her much at all, and I can see myself interested in trying to find someone else.. just as friends at first. Just the friendship/companionship would be nice at the moment, but recently I can feel myself thinking that would be OK with another women at last, so hopefully that's a good sign. Thanks for your replies once again :)

Hi Again OP, Im, pleased you're not going to be cutting your children off as well, that would be so hard for them and you.

So good news then you seem a lot chirpier and positive in your opinions and it looks as if you're now beginning to slowly move on, I hope you're still in counselling,

Please come back anytime we like to know how things are going, I assume you may need more support when the ex wife's b/f comes on the scene if so please come here and post someone's bound to be able to help you get around that, if not myself one of the others here.
Anyway Well Done, you seem to have a much more honest outlook to things now. Well if you want to go on a date then fine, take it slow you still have a way to go before you want to get into anything too serious, to ensure you don't go into something on the rebound. Plus you don't want to take any excess baggage with you. So keep working on the issues you needed to get sorted before you get into anything more than casual.

You're doing really well keep it up, and come back anytime.

Hi again. Well no idea if anyone is reading this, but just thougth I'd update since it's been a while. It's kind of hard reading my old posts now I guess, remembering when I still hoped/thought I could win my wife back, but those hopes are now long gone. She has been living with the old boyfriend since around start of November, and as he's not currently working he gets to often see my kiddies more than either I or my ex do (not really my ex as we are still married, but those days are numbered). That hurts but nothing I can do about it. I've physically only seen my ex twice since the start of last August, which is fine by me. Our kiddies are doing really well though and seem to handle the transitions from my house to hers OK, which is the main thing. We've been totally amicable when it comes to things with them, so that's made it much easier. No lawyers or anything as we have just agreed on the financial things without much problem, which I'm so glad about.
Anyway, since about last last September or so I've slowly tried to take some steps to find someone else to share my life with. No delusions about finding Ms. Right again anytime soon, but just someone to share some times together with etc. Other than one brief encounter I haven't been terribly successful. It has toughened up my heart in some ways, and it's been a tremendous learning experience I guess, but it's also very demoralizing at times. I have made a few new females friends though, so that's something good I guess, although one of those is a little bit of a heart breaker for me as some part of me would like more but I know that's not going to happen. Anyway I've found it ironic that due to my desire to find someone else now, and not being successful, has actually made me start to miss my ex more the last month or so than I've done since like the middle of last year.. I guess it isn't her as such, but she represents what I'm looking for now, so I think of her, and how easy it was when we were togther compared to what I find I have to do now to try to replace her. Perhaps I'm not really ready to do that though, even though I think I am.
I really miss very simply intimacies like just having someone to hug, and I really wish I could find someone to share that with again. But perhaps since it's only now coming up to 1 yr since the ex and I started sleeping apart (even though it seems so so so much longer ago to me), maybe on some subconscious level this is all still too soon. I really don't know. It's just weird how I can quite clearly remember the thought of being intimate with someone else revolting me, but now the thought of not having someone else is just as painful but in the totally opposite way. Some nights by myself are indescribably lonely, yet I fear that leads to me pushing to find someone else when maybe I should still just be learning to be happy by myself.
I've continued to see my counsellor now and again, although I didn't really get too much out of our last session, as I just feel there's probably not much more he can say/suggest now that will help me. In general I feel my life has sort of just stalled, and I'm not sure where I'm going now. I'm guessing this is not uncommon for people in my situation, but I'm not sure what to do to break out of this cycle/feeling.

Anyway, thanks for reading, if anyone is out there still :).