[RollTide]

When my parents first got married, both of their families were strictly against it. It's the classic low caste vs high caste phenomena that strangely still exists in certain parts of the world. But the lack of support has crippled my family. Both of my parents barely speak to any of their family members (who live overseas), and basically the lines of communication are non-existent.

Essentially, the lack of support that my dad received from his parents and family has ultimately transcended into clinical depression. As you can imagine, this has affected almost every arena in his life. He doesn't have many friends, his social skills are terrible, he is emotionally absent, and does not have the capability of holding a steady job. As of a few weeks ago, he got fired. Although he has found another job out of state, this is going to be, literally, the 13th time they move (from state to state). To make matters worse, he always seems to be looking for a way to have my mom and younger sister move in with me which will help him "save money." That is just bs, he does not want to be around the "source" of his problems and wants me to essentially raise her.

Their instability is draining me. I currently don't live with my parents and live in a college town, but I'm still very affected by all of this. I started motivated in school with a double major and minor with a high GPA, but I've lost my motivation and drive. My GPA is nowhere near competitive anymore, and I'm now graduating a few years later. I'm just exhausted. I hate not having family, and the ones that are around are quite dysfunctional.

My closest friends have moved away, and I feel like I'm in a rut. After dating a TA of mine a few years ago and having the relationship end, I feel like my professors and department judge me for it constantly. I don't know what my ex says about it, but I always feel negative vibes and receive strange looks from most of my professors. I'm normally shy, so I hate having people talk about my business and/or talk bad about me when they don't even know me! Obviously, this does not make college more enjoyable considering I have to see them daily. Even more annoying is that I've had several fall outs with my soccer team members because of their condescending remarks about my relationship and/or family problems. Because of this, I feel like I cannot trust people, and therefore cannot make good friendships. I miss out on a lot of events because I can't stand to be around people who talk bad about me or spread rumors.

I'm in the process of picking myself up and focusing on me, but I guess I don't know how to go about it. I've applied to several jobs because I don't want to rely on my family anymore, but don't have any job experiences to fall back on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to move forward. I've experienced a lot pertaining to relationships, but do not know how to rise above it all. I've never been given any tips on how to be more independent and to truly believe in myself. I feel as though my confidence is fleeting and would love some advice/tips. What are some things I can do? Thanks

[bend1384]

I am sorry I do not have any advice on the family aspect of your post, I wish I did. As for finding yourself and figuring out how to make yourself happy and motivated again I think I have a little advice that might help. Ask yourself questions and make yourself think about the answers wholeheartedly. Questions like: what would make me happy in my life? What could I be grateful for today? How could I make today a better day than yesterday? How can I proceed in a standstill project, what's the next physical step I could do? What is something I am curious about trying that I could look into today (hobbies, undefined words, how something works or is made, where something is, how someone is doing, etc.) If you slowly focus on small things that you enjoy or want to do, eventually you might rediscover your motivation for learning and want to focus more on your schoolwork and do better.
I know as a shy person it can be hard, if not almost impossible, to make yourself do new things for no reason, but it can help figure out who you are. When my husband was overseas and I was in college I started to force myself to go to seminars they put on for whoever was interested. Some were how to study better, how to handle finances, ways to relax, how to search for job, how to present yourself in a professional manner, etc. The majority of the information was not new to me, but it showed me I did have a handle on some areas of my life and that I did have knowledge that will help me in my future. It also showed me I was capable of going places just because I wanted to, and that it wasn't a huge deal.
As I built confidence in myself and what I thought I could handle I somehow became more of the person I wanted to be. I felt more able to stand up for myself. I was more straight forward with people. I even could start standing up for myself and saying to people, "hey, I dont appreciate you looking at me like that all of the time. It makes me uncomfortable and I see it as unwarranted. If there is a problem between us that you would like to explain to me please do, but if not please stop what you are doing towards me. Thank you." There was no way I could have done that before! Granted I was still shaky and nervous, but I did it and my issues with that person went away! (we did talk about what the issues were and how things ended up like that too)
The process of making yourself into what you want to be is slow and hard sometimes, but you find out all of the answers you need along the way and everything just seems to work out, especially if you stay as positive as you can and keep looking for more parts of yourself where ever you go. I hope this helps...

[joypulv]

I can't tell how much you talk to people about your dysfunctional family and about your ex. Maybe too much? I ask this because I used to do that, and it frustrated people. They might not be so much condemning and condescending as helpless and tired of hearing about it. Plus, they have problems too, and they may feel that you are taking up too much of the time on yourself. I don't know; I'm projecting. And you don't say how the relationship with your TA ended.
As for parent problems, yes, they can make you feel deflated about your purpose in life. There's no easy way to tell someone how to be your own person. There's no easy way to do it even if you feel you know how to start.
One idea though is to make a list of the positive attributes of each parent, and studiously think about how they have had a good influence on you, and try equally hard to put the negative attributes out of your mind. Think of it as a problem set with an exam coming in 6 months. I had to come up with some attributes that were really just the absence of negative ones (in the case of one parent, the other was fine). But it helped.
You are at a crossroads many go through, full independence financially, career, choices of your own to make, yet unsure of what to do because of clouds in your mind. Sometimes a move somewhere else is a good idea, sometimes it's just 'running away.' In your case it might help. Sort of like firing the coach when the team is losing too many games. There might not be anything wrong with the coach, but it's a fresh start.

[RollTide]

Thanks to both of your responses.

joypulv, I honestly don't make mention of my problems to my friends. I just don't like discussing my issues/problems with anyone. That's why I came on this site; I'm just better with writing.

Moving away sounds like a dream, but it'll be too costly. Trust me, I've looked into that repeatedly haha. I've just realized that I'm just a bit anxious and overwhelmed with the uncertainty that lies ahead. I've applied to so many jobs, and have not received any feedback. Also, I'm graduating soon and don't know what I'm going to be doing or what grad schools/programs to even consider. On top of that, I feel like I'm already behind and don't want to be behind anymore. It's just a cocktail of emotions... or I'm just hormonal haha

[RollTide]

Sorry it took me a while to respond. I'm currently trying to get a move on but unfortunately feel as though I'm holding myself hostage to a lot of extraneous issues. I come from an Asian background and we tend to be relatively conservative. I'm turning 26 soon and seeing that I don't have a career nor am I even talking to a guy, I can't help but feel behind everyone else that I know. My mother is diagnosed with some illness and is refusing to let anyone know what that illness is, my father is out of town for work all the time, and although I thought that they were supportive of me pursuing my dreams (bc they did indeed "pledge" to support me, especially after what I went through), they seem to be unsupportive these days. So I just feel like I'm at a loss.

I want to pick up where I left off and go back to the grad school that I was at. My parents are NOT supporting me with that whatsoever. They suddenly think it's asinine that I as a female would want to go back and live alone (despite being gone for 6+ years), they pitch the lack of funding in my face as an obstacle, and just want me to settle living with them and going to a local school nearby while teaching; despite the fact that I was at a top ranked institution and I don't want to downgrade in terms of school quality (please no one take offense; I'm not poking fun at other schools, but it just doesn't make sense to go to a local small college coming from a top 10 institution. Plus I don't want to settle working 9-5 shift I'm not interested in). Their excuse was that I was living with my brother and now that he's leaving that school, it's "wrong" for me to live on my own. It sounds so foolish, but that is what I'm going though at the moment. The lack of support bothers me.

[joypulv]

Hi again...
Lack of funding is indeed a big deal, especially given your mother's condition. Or do you feel that your parents have plenty of money?
All I can say is that it is too bad that you didn't go to school in the US from the start, and I wonder, could you get a fellowship or scholarship here? What have you been doing since August, besides recovering from the horrible engagement?

We in the US and Canada aren't used to women past about the age of 21 (if they go to college) being ordered around by parents, and most women do go off and live on their own, even if they go to grad school. By the same token, their parents don't support them. We do, however, hear from many women on this site from other cultures and religions where women are supported, housed, protected, etc, by family until they marry. It's a double edged sword. The only way to do what you want now, it seems, is to work on getting a scholarship. I'm sorry you left school for a man!

[RollTide]

Actually I went to school here in the U.S. It's just cultural issues that are getting in the way. My ex was calling up schools nearby his place so I could transfer; however when I moved down, he claimed that he had never even supported the idea of me going to school in the first place. I just felt betrayed and shocked. I mean imagine thinking you know who you're going to marry only to discover that it was an illusion.

So after that ended, I was told by my father to only worry about studying for the mcat and doing well on it. And should I do well, he'll help me for stay afloat as I work on completing my masters and apply to medical school. Now he's claiming that he was never supportive of that and that I should just stay put living with them. That a masters is not necessary (despite the fact that my gpa is not as competitive currently). I'm just tired of being told one thing only to discover that it was all bs. I'm sick of questioning my own sanity and would like to have the latitude to be myself without bs restrictions.

[talaniman]

Obviously its your lack of being financially independent enough to call your own shots, and have to settle for the financial support you get. You may well have to face the fact that they cannot fund you and your own dreams at the level you want them too.

Make some adjustments even if it means working a job you don't particularly like to help with your funding issues.