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Reinvented25 · Nov 12, 2013, 02:04 AM

My wife and I (tens years and counting) recently decided to being a third into the bedroom.

He is a bi male, just a year or two older than us. At first it was just sex when he visited. We'd finish, he'd go shower, then leave. It only happened when all three were present. We only texted to share dirty pics or arrange a hookup.

Now the texts are every morning before work, and sometimes throughout the day. Sweet little hellos, things like that. We've gone on two dates as a threesome, one of which did not include any sex. We've cuddled, and join him on showers now, and not for more playing around.

So... Are we still friends with benefits, or has it grown to something more? Inevitably, he's going to meet one of our friends or relatives at a bar... When is it okay to call him our "boyfriend", and how do we know?

joypulv · Nov 12, 2013, 03:29 AM

I'm not going to go for this because it's all just a little too nice and neat and cute. If you were able to get to this stage, I'm sure you will handle the next one without advice from strangers online.

Reinvented25 · Nov 12, 2013, 03:56 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm not going to go for this because it's all just a little too nice and neat and cute.

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, other than to be rude. I'm asking for some serious advice on how to proceed with a relationship. I've only been in one, with my wife, and it started much differently than this.

If you can't be helpful, or at least nice, why don't you spend your time replying to people you can actually help? (Like retired people with cats and dogs.)

joypulv · Nov 12, 2013, 04:04 AM

OK, sorry. I was sure you were a troll.
My advice is to be discreet with the threesome for at least something like 2 months, out in public and in talking with people or on social sites.
A lot depends on your family and friends and co-workers, and what your understanding of what their acceptance might be.
It also depends on the man and his history of lasting in such relationships, although I don't think that's nearly as important as acceptance in your social world.
As for what to call him, I'd go with 'friend.'

Oliver2011 · Nov 12, 2013, 06:37 AM

Is it he would be a "boyfriend" to you two as a couple? Meaning he would not be your boyfriend or her boyfriend, but a boyfriend to both collectively? And I would assume your wife is to the same point mentally with acceptance as you are? Wow, I have so many questions. I am not judging at all and my relationship isn't 10 years and counting, but I don't think I could ever bring a 3rd into the bedroom. Just the thought of someone else touching my partner makes my blood boil.

Reinvented25 · Nov 12, 2013, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Meaning he would not be your boyfriend or her boyfriend, but a boyfriend to both collectively?

He is a partner to each of us independently, as well as the two of us together. So, we do stuff as a threesome, but I or my wife could also have alone time with him without the other being present.

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

And I would assume your wife is to the same point mentally with acceptance as you are?

Before we were married, we agreed that we wanted an open and polyamorous marriage. To be clear, we're not sluts; each of us has used this "rule" once each, and now together with this one guy.

Originally Posted by joypulv

A lot depends on your family and friends and co-workers, and what your understanding of what their acceptance might be.

I'm not really concerned about how my friends and family feel about him being a friend or boyfriend; they know we're committed to this lifestyle (it was in our vows).

I'm concerned about him. When is it okay to start calling a FWB your boyfriend? I don't want to say boyfriend and him run away scared and ruin a good thing. But, I don't want his feelings to be hurt if I just say friend, when he was thinking we were more.

I'm really not comfortable having the "where is this going" talk yet, but I'm afraid something's going to come up and force a decision without having time to even think.

And some extra information:
This is a first for all of us if you don't count his drunken one-time threesome 5 years ago.

Maybe I'm misreading, but he seems to be emotionally invested, even if he doesn't realise it. We went on a date last night, and he just messaged asking to come over again tonight. We now spend more time in the living room than the bedroom.

We are ages 28, 29, 30, so we're kind of still trying to figure out normal life on top of this wonderful, yet messy, situation.

Wondergirl · Nov 12, 2013, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by Reinvented25

I'm concerned about him. When is it okay to start calling a FWB your boyfriend? I don't want to say boyfriend and him run away scared and ruin a good thing. But, I don't want his feelings to be hurt if I just say friend, when he was thinking we were more.

Maybe it's time to have a threesome chat with him about who he is in your married life and who he wants to be.

talaniman · Nov 12, 2013, 02:29 PM

How long has he been the third party? Things often begin great but reality sets in and when the lust has faded the honeymoon is over. Then the work begins and decisions have to be made.

If you cannot communicate between you, I doubt you can proceed to the next level of commitment whatever that is.