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Alexis882345 · Aug 15, 2013, 06:47 PM

I've tried getting him to get some help, join websites, and read books on how to cope with abuse. But he won't. We're both 26. He got the courage to tell me what happened to him last year. He was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by his stepfather between the ages of 10 and 12. He has nightmares. And he has horrible anxiety. Also, he sometimes gets depressed and thinks he's worthlessThe other day I lost my temper at him distancing himself when I ask him about finding help and threatened to leave him. I didn't mean it, but now he's depressed again and hasn't snapped out of it. How can I help him feel better as well as get him to get some help.

Jake2008 · Aug 15, 2013, 07:26 PM

Complex issues that take over day to day life, cannot be fixed without the person suffering, wanting help.

That he has survived, and confided in you is a godsend, however, opening up to you with these kinds of details, leaves most of the issues, if not all, unresolved.

To help him is to do what you've been doing, and to offer guidance and support. Give him all the information you can on counseling, and recommend counseling for survivors of abuse. Let him know that you are there for him 100%, but that you expect he realizes that you cannot solve his problems for him. He needs help.

If he chooses to take the difficult path of healing, listen, and go with him if he wants you to. Be as supportive as you possibly can in encouraging him to keep up with the work ahead.

But be careful for yourself, and realize that if you become his only source of comfort and understanding, the burden for you will be enormous, and the responsibility and guilt will wear you out.

You sound like you are in a position to offer help, and I encourage you to do so, but realize and be aware of your own limitations.

N0help4u · Aug 15, 2013, 07:28 PM

Maybe you could look into a support group for partners that are with people that have problems like his. It can be very difficult knowing how to handle situations where you could trigger a negative feeling in their life. On the other hand you don't want to jump hoops trying to keep him happy. That can result in you being an enabler and a lot of co dependency issues

talaniman · Aug 15, 2013, 07:46 PM

You cannot help him or cheer him up unless he let's you and so far he has not. So find out from a professional what are way to help you cope with him. Ask YOUR doctor for referral, or suggestions to guide you to the help you need to understand and act appropriately.

I like the idea of a support group whether he will or go with you, go yourself. At least you won't be alone in what has to be a frustrating situation.

Enigma1999 · Aug 15, 2013, 08:53 PM

It sounds as if you're doing all you can to help him.

Unfortunately he is the one who has to make that decision if he wants to be helped. If he doesn't take that step then how can you.

If he does accept the fact that he needs help and seeks a professional, then just keep being supportive. BUT... if he refuses to accept help, professional help that is, then you have some thinking to do. 26 is awfully young to be going through this for the rest of your life. The last thing you want is to resent him for all of these lost years.

His situation is unbelievably sad and I can't even fathom why a person, especially a parent would hurt a child in any way. My heart goes out to him. At the same time my heart goes out to you for trying to help him.

Oliver2011 · Aug 16, 2013, 08:08 AM

I speak from experience. As I got older what I suffered when I was a child became hard and harder to deal with. At the age of 22/23 it hit me hard - very hard. I was a father of 2 small boys, married, so obviously I had significant responsibilities. But I couldn't be around anyone once I chose to deal with it.

I went through the same as your boyfriend. I had nightmares and used to scream in my sleep. I had significant depression. It was horrible. I was honest with my wife and actually told my mom as well. I feel for your boyfriend because of the empathy I share with his situation.

For me I woke up one day and decided I wasn't going to be depressed anymore. I decided that the people that hurt me were not going to have power over me anymore. I found one of my attackers and approached him. He was a pathetic man. I did not become physical with him. I just laughed at him because I couldn't believe I let that person remain in control of my life.

That was 20 years ago. I was lucky because I was able to handle the change by myself. Not everyone can do that. Not everyone is ready to deal with the past the way I was. He is and will be on his time table and you can't force it. You do sound like you are genuinely trying to help. I wish you two the best of luck.

talaniman · Aug 16, 2013, 08:15 AM

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again

Alexis882345 · Aug 16, 2013, 06:14 PM

Thank you so much everybody. You all gave good advice. I will look for a support group like nohelp4u and talaniman said. Enigma, yours and Jake's comment really made me think. I've told him one of my friends knows a really good therapist he could talk to. Oliver, I'm so sorry to hear that it happened to you too.

He's not depressed right now he's in a good mood. I came home from work and we were talking. I told him I'm here for him whether he decides to get help or not and that I'm not going to push him anymore. He told me that he's been thinking about going to a therapist but just can't get himself to do it and that he's not ready yet so I'll wait until he's ready. He also told me that he tried telling his mom what happened to him as a kid and she didn't believe him. I want to say something to his mom, next time I see her, but would it be wise to just ignore everything when his family visits or vice versa?

talaniman · Aug 16, 2013, 07:24 PM

Its his family, ask him what he thinks of your idea before you just do something trying to be helpful.

Oliver2011 · Aug 19, 2013, 05:32 AM

Originally Posted by Alexis882345

Oliver, I'm so sorry to hear that it happened to you too.

I want to say something to his mom, next time I see her, but would it be wise to just ignore everything when his family visits or vice versa?

Oh no - please don't be sorry for me. My past made me a survivor capable of handling almost everything and everyone that comes my way. Because of my past I am strong and have the greatest sense of humor. I couldn't be more content with life.

Please tell me that his mom is not still married to the abuser. He should not be around that person and act like everything is peachy.

Alexis882345 · Aug 26, 2013, 05:52 PM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Please tell me that his mom is not still married to the abuser. He should not be around that person and act like everything is peachy.

Yes Oliver, she is. She acted like it was a joke, didn't believe when she was told. I'm sorry for taking such a long time to reply, never got the email that there was another reply to the thread.

Oliver2011 · Aug 27, 2013, 05:48 AM

Originally Posted by Alexis882345

Yes Oliver, she is. She acted like it was a joke, didn't believe when she was told. I'm sorry for taking such a long time to reply, never got the email that there was another reply to the thread.

Then you guys should stay away. Putting your boyfriend into that situation is not a good thing. He might act like he can handle it or it doesn't bother him. But every time he sees that person it just brings back all of those bad memories and feelings causing him to relive it over and over again. I can't think of anyone who wants to relive that. I personally would take that person on but that is just me.