[sazzilou]

I got back with my ex after 3 years of us being split up. We've been together now not even 3 weeks and we've had sex once this week and that's only because I got frustrated with him. I mean I'm 21 and he's 30 but that shouldn't mean anything should it?

[odinn7]

If you're not satisfied then break up with him.

Have you talked to him about this?

[sazzilou]

If you're not satisfied then break up with him.

Have you talked to him about this?

I've tried to talk to him about it. He'll just say he's tired and then he accuses me of cheating on him. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I really just don't want to leave :(

[odinn7]

Sounds like there isn't much there between you two. He accuses you and you're not happy. Not much left.

[sazzilou]

Sounds like there isn't much there between you two. He accuses you and you're not happy. Not much left.

I think your right!

[Cat1864]

I got back with my ex after 3 years of us being split up. We've been together now not Evan 3 weeks and we've had sex once this week and that's only because I got frustrated with him. I mean I'm 21 and he's 30 but that shouldn't mean anything should it?

It may mean that you are rushing the relationship. You were apart for three years. You have been back together for three weeks. That isn't enough time to make certain you are building a new relationship instead of expecting to pick up the old one where you left off.

He may be tired. He may be using it as an excuse to get you to slow down. Only he knows and you would need to have a discussion with him. That does not mean to start a confrontation or lecture. It means to listen to him like you want him to listen to you.

It is a red flag that he is accusing you of cheating. Have you ever given him reason to believe you have or would cheat?

Slow down. Build a new relationship from the foundation up. Start by working on communication and compromise. It won't work any better this time around if there is a chance you are repeating the mistakes of the past.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

[talaniman]

You broke up with a 27 year old guy when you were 17? How long had you been together back then? Are you thinking to just pick up where you left off? Why did you breakup? What does he mean by you cheated?

[sazzilou]

I was with him a year before. We broke up due to his temper. He reassured me that he'd changed but now I don't think he has. Should I try and help him or just leave?
He's paranoid about me cheating because nearly all of his ex girlfriends have gone behind his back!

[talaniman]

He has to many issues to solve before he can even begin to have a healthy relationship, or be a healthy partner. He isn't ready to give himself without fear. I doubt you can help him without being frustrated yourself. He is projecting his fear to you, just as he projected anger before.

Its only been a week? What am I missing here. Or what are you rushing into may be more accurate.

[sazzilou]

Its been nearly a month. I don't understand why he'd want to hurt me. When we argue he says the most cruelest things! I told him last night that this was a different relationship and he said that it was the same one :|

[Cat1864]

Its been nearly a month. I don't understand why he'd want to hurt me. When we argue he says the most cruelest things!! I told him last night that this was a different relationship and he said that it was the same one :|

Then he doesn't understand that things cannot and should not be like they were before. You are not the same people you were three years ago. How much have you changed in three years? When you stop and think, are you the same person you were then? Is he expecting you to be the same 17 year old who put up with his anger issues for a year?

I am wondering if you are at least partially living in the past. How long were you in touch again before you decided to try starting a new relationship together? Did he do anything to show you he had changed before you got back together or did you take his word for it because old feelings were surfacing? Do you love the person he is now or are you remembering the feelings from the past?

I think you either change how you are approaching the new relationship or you walk away now before you allow his issues to become your own. If you stay, sit down with him and discuss (not confront) the issues.

Let him know you are not putting up with his anger management or his control issues. It is up to him to let go of his past and accept that you are not the other women he has dated. This is not going to be a continuation of the previous relationship. From there, you can discuss how to work together to build a better relationship. If he gets angry or doesn't want to talk, you will have a better understanding of what the future of this relationship is going to be.

While you are working on the relationship, do not have sex. No form of birth control is 100% and you do not need a pregnancy or a 'scare' to complicate matters.

Frankly, I wouldn't put up with him. He appears to have changed for the worse. I doubt he will work on his issues as long as he has someone willing to put up with him as he is. I think you need to show how much you love and respect yourself by using this as a type of closure for the past so that you can fully let him and the relationship go.

You have to do what is best for you. Good luck.

[sazzilou]

So what do you think I should do? I try and talk to him about it but he just says that he does what he does because I don't do as I'm told.
He thinks that I'm going to do the same to him as all his ex.s have done. I want him to get help but I don't know where to go around it? And what do you mean 'don't have sex' while we sort it out, won't that just make it worse. How do I get him to feel comfortable with me to have sex again? X

[talaniman]

As long as you focus on your sex life with this fellow you will never address the way he treats you or uses sex to control you. If that's all you want is a good sex life, then do as your told and he will give you plenty.

You aren't going to change him, nor help him because that's not what he wants.

he just says that he does what he does because I don't do as I'm told.

Why can't you do as you are told? Sooner or later you will see this second time around will work no better than the first, and leave.

[Cat1864]

So what do you think I should do? I try and talk to him about it but he just says that he does what he does because I don't do as I'm told.
He thinks that I'm going to do the same to him as all his ex.s have done. I want him to get help but I don't know where to go around it? And what do you mean 'don't have sex' while we sort it out, won't that just make it worse. How do I get him to feel comfortable with me to have sex again? x

Let me say that fully agree with Tal (I need to spread some rep.)

This may come across as harsh, but I am very concerned about where your mind is at this moment.

You are thinking with your libido instead of your brain. Sex cannot help fix the issues. You cannot fix his issues. Accidentally getting pregnant is not a fear you need right now.

Sex does not equal love. Sex does not equal commitment. Sex is not a good foundation for a relationship.

Sex is an enhancement. It is one of many ways to show and share affection and intimacy. Does he show affection in other ways?

It should not be used as a tool to control your behavior. It should be a mutual sharing. In your relationship, it isn't. He is doling it out like a parent gives a child a cookie or dog owner gives his dog a treat for getting his slippers. Is that how you see yourself and the relationship? Behave and you will get sex. Is that what you want your sex life to be.

The more information you give the more I am convinced it isn't about being comfortable. It is about control.

I had a slim hope there might have been a chance for this relationship if you could work together but one line blows that chance out of the water. "...he just says that he does what he does because I don't do as I'm told." If I heard those words, I would be out of his house or kicking him out of mine. He would not be in my life for another day.

Stop living in the past. He is and so are you. Stop holding on to who you want him to be and look at the person he is. You are already having the same issues. Why repeat the entire pattern? Learn from your mistakes. Then take the lesson and move forward.

[kim Seoul]

I think that he believe the more relationship goes by (with out sex )the more stronger relation will be // he might reading so many books that's why

So just give him a time

[sazzilou]

But Evan when we haven't argued he still doesn't give me sex. I just can't understand it! I mean I don't want to sound big headed but I know I'm not ugly, I'm slim and 5 ft 11 with short Brown hair and blue eyes. Evan when I try and give him a hug or try and touch him he makes up an excuse to get up. I think there's something bigger going on x

And no he doesn't show me affection in other ways. He's always on his phone, he never talks to me or he's always watching some crap on the television. He tells me that he finds it hard to talk to me as he doesn't know what to say! He says that he kicks off with me because I ignore him. I really do want to help him but I think your all right I don't think he wants to change. He just wants his own little pet that does what ever he says. I mean I'm not Evan allowed to talk to my best friend of 15 years :|

[odinn7]

... even... even... even... even...


Anyway... you can come back and make points all you want and try to argue it out... I think the others are on it here. He's controlling your behavior and you are now hanging onto what you had hoped he would be and not what he is now.


... even... even... even... even...

[sazzilou]

...even....even.....even....even....


Anyway....you can come back and make points all you want and try to argue it out....I think the others are on it here. He's controlling your behavior and you are now hanging onto what you had hoped he would be and not what he is now.


...even...even...even....even....

Yeah that's not helping. Your just patronizing me. I only said 'Evan' once!

[talaniman]

But Evan when we haven't argued he still doesn't give me sex. I just can't understand it! I mean I don't want to sound big headed but I know I'm not ugly, I'm slim and 5 ft 11 with short Brown hair and blue eyes. Evan when I try and give him a hug or try and touch him he makes up an excuse to get up. I think theres something bigger going on x

And no he doesn't show me affection in other ways. He's always on his phone, he never talks to me or he's always watching some crap on the television. He tells me that he finds it hard to talk to me as he doesn't know what to say!! He says that he kicks off with me because I ignore him. I really do want to help him but I think your all right I don't think he wants to change. He just wants his own little pet that does what ever he says. I mean I'm not Evan allowed to talk to my best friend of 15 years :|

3 time but whose counting :)

[odinn7]

And I also counted it in the original question but I see now it was edited out. Just sayin'...