[cutie_96]

I'm only 16 but I have feelings for a boy and I was just wondering if love really does exist or if I'm just confusing my feelings with sex?

This boy and me have never really been official boyfriend and girlfriend but we have been like dating on and off for about a year and a half now and recently we have became sexual active. I've always had feelings for him but they have recently became stronger and he's all I think about like every second of the day. Do you think that I'm actually in love, does it exists, or just influenced by the sex?

Can somebody please help!!

I don't care how small the answer is, I just feel as though I have no one to talk to!
It's driving me mad, I just need some sort of advice please.

*********Caution please, these are merged threads************

[Fr_Chuck]

There are all types of Love, one is mixed in with sexual lust. At 16, most emotions are confused.

[Homegirl 50]

I think this is about your crushing on this guy and dating off and on. Add sex to the mix and you have a different set of emotions going on. I think you are in lust with this guy. You should stop the sex so you can think with a clear head. Are you prepared for a possible pregnancy?

[joypulv]

Never official. Off and on. That's fine for dating, but not for sex!
You may be thinking about him every second because you took on the intimacy of sex. Sex may be incredibly personal and important to you deep down, regardless of how casual you thought you were being when you jumped in. It can bring out a lot of vulnerability. Even in this day and age of 'friends with benefits,' something I think hurts more than it frees.

Stop the sex is my advice - and yes, pregnancy is the biggie you don't want on your mind, and there isn't even any totally safe birth control - which one are you using? Stopping sex also allows you to sort out the reasons for your obsession. I have a feeling that you might be more attached to him than he is to you, and you don't realize it.

[cutie_96]

Okay so I'm a 16 year old girl.

Recently I have been feeling down and feel as thought I have really low self-esteem.

It all started when I became sexually active which was about 4 months ago, during that time I have had 4 sexual partners (I know that's bad but I have my reasons).

The first person I had sex with was with a boy I'd known for 11 years. We dated on and off for about a year and a half, but we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We started to have sex after about a year of dating but once we had sex a few times we kind of drifted apart and hardly speak now.

The second time I had sex was only a one night stand with a different boy. It was after a party were I was really drunk and had no where to stay so he took me back to his house and this escalated from there. I did know the boy I didn't go home with a complete stranger, I had known him for about 4 years. But basically he took full advantage of me.

The third time I had sex was with a different boy. This time the boy told me that he liked me and wanted to spend time with me etc, we dated for about one month before we had sex but once again we drifted apart and no long talk.

And the last time I had sex I was again at a party and was really drunk when a boy tricked me into his room and again things escalated from there.

So basically I just feel as though I get used for sex all of the time! I just want to find a nice boy who is going to treat me right.
Also due to all of this I kind of have a bad reputation now and get called names such as a slut etc from girls and now a lot of boys think I'm incredibly easy, its really starting to get to me because I know that I'm not and I'm just getting messed about by boys!

I've been feeling really tired recently and been getting head aches a lot of the time (I don't know if this has anything t do with anything but anyways), Also I used to be a quite confident girl, very loud and always smiling but now I've turned really shy and I only feel comfortable around my very close friends who I know aren't going to judge me. I also feel extremely paranoid that people are always judging me for what I've done and I've been finding it hard to meet new people and make new friends.

I just want to know what I can do to feel better about myself and get back to my old confident self?

[Wondergirl]

The first thing to do is stop drinking and being in situations where you are pushed or tempted to drink (and then lose your inhibitions and end up in some guy's bed). You and alcohol don't seem to do well together.

"after a party were I was really drunk and had no where to stay so he took me back to his house and this escalated from there" Huh? You don't have a home?

So how about no more alcohol?

[cutie_96]

I'm not going to give up drinking, I just need to know my limits

And yes of course I have a home but I'd lost my purse and didn't have any money for a taxi home and my friend only lived round the corner. I trusted him I had no intention of ending up in his bed!

[Wondergirl]

im not going to give up drinking, i just need to know my limits

At your age, the limit is zero. Even one beer is too much for your teenage body. Or do you think you will be teased and made fun of if you aren't walking around parties with a lampshade on your head, totally drunk?

[cutie_96]

Okay okay I'll cut down on my drinking

[ScottGem]

No wonder you have low self esteem. And you also probably now have a reputation. I strongly suspect partners 3 and 4 were aware that you "put out". And that you were prone to getting drunk and they could take advantage.

You are very lucky you are not pregnant at this point. You need a wakeup call. At 16 I can understand getting drunk ONCE! But multiple times and then refusing to give it up. You are an alcoholic! This is a disease and you need to get help. Talk to your parents immediately!

At 16 it is illegal for you to have liquor or for anyone to give it to you. The only way you are going to break this cycle of low self esteem, drunkenness and meaningless sex is by getting help NOW!

You can't just "cut down". You need to STOP!

As for being in love. You are too immature and dependent on the approval of others to know whether you are in love or not.

[Homegirl 50]

So what was this business about "does love really exist" in the first question? You don't know about nor are you in love. You drink too much and then you have sex with people.
Stop drinking and having sex with guys. The only way you're going to clean up your reputation is to stop behaving in such a reckless way. Stay away from parties and alcohol and boys. You don't have any self control with either.

[cutie_96]

Okay thanks for that!
I guess I do need a wake up call :(
Is there anyway of knowing if I am actually an alcoholic? I'm slightly worried!

[ScottGem]

is there anyway of knowing if i am actually an alcoholic? i'm slightly worried!

You would have to discuss this with your doctor. But based on what you have told us, I am very confident in saying you are one. I would even go so far as saying you need to join Alcoholics Anonymous.

[cutie_96]

You would have to discuss this with your doctor. But based on what you have told us, I am very confident in saying you are one. I would even go so far as saying you need to join Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thanks for your advice
I don't think I need to join alcoholics anonymous though, I have control over how much I drink, sure I like to go to the occasional party and have a drink with my friends but I don't feel to need the drink everyday and also feel no way addicted to alcohol in any way

[Wondergirl]

thanks for your advice
i dont think i need to join alcoholics anonymous though, i have control over how much i drink, sure i like to go to the occasional party and have a drink with my friends but i dont feel to need the drink everyday and also feel no way addicted to alcohol in any way

That's not why someone goes to A.A.

No, you don't have control. The very fact that you don't know when to quit drinking says you need to start attending meetings.

And like someone said, your drinking is illegal on top of it.

[joypulv]

Cutie, under all of this is the low self esteem that you mentioned (and it's obvious).
I give you credit for listening to us old fogies.
I think you need therapy more than AA at this stage, since I'm willing to believe that you only drink at parties and they don't happen that often - and you get drunk for esteem reasons, not necessarily alcoholism.
Can you give us a clue why your esteem is so low, why you need to hop into bed with boys? Something about growing up? Do you have a best girlfriend or two?

[cutie_96]

cutie, under all of this is the low self esteem that you mentioned (and it's obvious).
I give you credit for listening to us old fogies.
I think you need therapy more than AA at this stage, since I'm willing to believe that you only drink at parties and they don't happen that often - and you get drunk for esteem reasons, not necessarily alcoholism.
Can you give us a clue why your esteem is so low, why you need to hop into bed with boys? Something about growing up? Do you have a best girlfriend or two?

I don't know why I have such low self-esteem but I think it could be because of the boys? I don't feel the need to hop into bed with boys, I just either get taken advantage of or trust them to easily.
What sort of therapy do you think I would need?

[talaniman]

Stop getting drunk and making bad decisions because when YOU drink you cannot defend yourself.

Clean up your act and your reputation and self esteem will soar greatly and you will make better decisions. Alcohol is a depressant.

[joypulv]

i dont know why i have such low self-esteem but i think it could be because of the boys? i dont feel the need to hop into bed with boys, i just either get taken advantage of or trust them to easily.
what sort of therapy do you think i would need?

Nope nope nope. Unless you are locked in an underground bunker, you can't blame the boys, nor can you claim to be taken advantage of when you are all teens and no one is raping you. An older man with a lot of ways to impress and sweet talk and promise things, yes. But YOU have become this way on your own, probably because of some feeling that you don't have a good solid understanding of non-sexual love.
Therapy is seeing someone licensed to practice therapy, usually a psychologist or social worker. She (or he) can offer insights into how you feel about yourself and others based on what you say about your life; it's as easy as that. Nothing mysterious or about any mental problems. You get some practical guidance too, such as how to say no to drinking and sex at parties or any time. How to get a sense of who you are without just doing what someone else wants!

[ScottGem]

AA is not just for chronic drinkers, but for binge drinkers as well. Clearly you don't know when to stop. You may not have to have a drink all the time, but you lose control once you start.