[PhoenixM8]

From your bad attitude about this...You told me enough to fill a book. If not an encyclopedia.

Also, you know and understand far, far, far less about men than you think you do....I see him walking out in the near future...no man with a set of balls will allow someone to belittle him like you are doing. And you need to hear it because apparently you are only focused on what YOU want and couldn't care less about what he wants.

Yes I know your type well...thanks for revealing it to everyone. My hunch was right...now everyone else can see it.

And incidentally..you don't get to tell me if I can answer or not...you did take the time to read the rules and terms of service you signed , didn't you...apparently not.

You also have a poor understanding of the meaning of respect ( you showed it in this post) or relationships....you are really young..aren't you?

If you want someone to agree with you even when you are wrong...talk to your friends....I don't care if you like me or not...I'm giving you the straight facts. If you care about your relationship...you will listen.

Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.

Enlighten me: what is the meaning of respect and relationship? (outside of anything related to porn and the like)

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

[Alty]

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

[talaniman]

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

Deeply Profound LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!

[smoothy]

Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.

Enlighten me: what is the meaning of respect and relationship? (outside of anything related to porn and the like)

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

Respect is treating others are you expect them to treat you... respect is understanding they are your equal... not your subject to be lorded over.

I suspect like most people you don't enjoy people tell you how you are going to do everything.. and when you can do anything. Keep in mind most other people don'tlike that much either. Particularly adults. In your late teens and early 20's you are still used to living under your parents... by your 30's you understand you are your own boss when you are at home.. because at work you have to listen to others... even self employed you still have to listen to your clients.

I'm a direct person... I tell it like I see it... some people love it... some get upset because they don't want to hear the sugar free version. I don't get paid for this... but I take my time to give others the advice from lessons learned the hard way.

I'm packing for an overseas business trip... but I'm also still here taking time to answer you.


And incidentally... no matter what has happened to you growing up... (no I'm not asking you to tell me what) you are still responsible for how you interact with others. Meaning they don't have to do back-flips to accommodate you or your quirks. This is true for everyone.

That's a lesson that once you learn.. you will find you run into far fewer conflicts in your life.

And no matter what has happened to you... I have a very close friend that would beat it... the other longtime members here know that story... and yet she is the most friendly person you would ever want to meet.

Her life story would scare Stephen King or Clive Barker... (two famous horror novelists).

If you look for a battle.. you will find one on every street corner. Think I like EVERYTHING my wife does? Well I don't... but I suck it up and deal with it.. because in the big scheme of life... its not important. Same with her... we have a few old sayings... one is Chose your battles carefully... and the other... take care of the big things and the little things take care of themselves.

And if you think I have crappy people skills... In my daily work I deal with Government Officials.. Military officers, have dealt with Ambassadors... and Numerous CEO's of large corporations... and I wouldn't be entrusted with accounts worth over 14 million dollars a month for my company. I know people... I am good at reading them. I've got a LOT of practice doing it.

They all appreciate someone direct and honest. I've gotten a number of awards over the years based on how much they appreciated dealing with me. I have an award given me by the White house.

And I've got a LOT of experience with people and relationships as well... I see things years before they even see them themselves... and I've had a number of people I've run into years later telling me how right I was and how sorry they didn't listen to me at the time...

You can tell a LOT about a person in how they behave and how they respond.. and when you have known more than a few who have acted exactly the same way... you see people aren't really as unique as they might think.

[Catsmine]

For me personally, it's a matter of respect. Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

It is a matter of respect. You seem unable to respect his performance anxiety issue. He seems unable to respect your control issues.

How do I deal with this?

Quit while you're ahead.

[PhoenixM8]

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases. There are no chains or shackles involved here. If he felt that way about this he would outright say so but he hasn't.

I have asked him if he feels like I'm pressuring him to change who he is and he has told me that no, he doesn't feel that way BUT that he does feel I could stand to learn more about what brings some men to watch porn - and I don't disagree with that.

Not that I'm going to subject myself to learning about that here because clearly there's only one point of view that exists on this forum - which isn't much help at all.

It is a matter of respect. You seem unable to respect his performance anxiety issue. He seems unable to respect your control issues.



Quit while you're ahead.

Performance anxiety issues? LMFAO! (He says "wtf are you talking about?")

Quit? Yeah right. First of all it's not in my nature to quit, especially over something that can be brought to compromise and understanding. Gimme a break.

....we have a few old sayings...one is Chose your battles carefully...and the other....take care of the big things and the little things take care of themselves.

If I take nothing else away from what you've said I will take this.

I never said you had "crappy people skills" - I just think it's rather judgemental to jump to conclusions when you only know a small part of the big picture. How can you possibly know what the other pieces are and what they hold? Nothing is as predictable as you like to think it is, everything is in constant flux, in a constant state of change. That is just my view.

Appreciating honesty... well, here I am being honest about where I'm coming from with my views and it doesn't seem to be much appreciated at all (not that I really care but just as a point of observation). I'm honest and it has felt like an attack on my feelings...

I'm not denying that I may have a thing or two to learn in my lifetime, I don't know or will ever know everything there is to know about love, life, relationships etc etc. But I do know this: When someone expresses how they feel about something, jumping out at them and telling them they are wrong to feel that way is just plain ignorant and belittling of the other's experience. I came here seeking suggestions on how to facilitate the agreement he and I made, period. I wasn't seeking anyone's judgement nor was I seeking an analysis of what brought my partner and I to this point.

I appreciate the time you've taken to respond despite having to prepare for your trip. I wish you safe travels.

[Catsmine]

I came here seeking suggestions on how to facilitate the agreement he and I made, period.

Perhaps you might ask that instead of

Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

So that we answer the question instead of the self-pity.

[Cat1864]

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases.

But you do have expectations. Those expectations are what brought you here. You have expected him to give up what he currently views and make a video with you for him to watch when he masturbates.

Saying that you share how you feel and he can do as he pleases, makes it sound like you tell him how you feel and that's that. You want him to listen to your needs, but I am not certain you listen to his. You may think you are giving him a chance to tell you if he feels pressured, but I don't think he sees the opportunity the same way you do.

As far as I am concerned, you are entitled to your opinions and view points. My concern is that you may be putting pressure on him and he hasn't been fully honest because he cares about you and the relationship. Asking you to learn more about why men watch porn sounds like a round about way of asking you to back off. He may be hoping that you will change your view and he won't have to be direct. I don't think he wants to hurt you or make you feel bad, but his approach hasn't been working, has it?

You don't want to learn from the people here why men watch porn, why? Because we are telling you why men and women watch porn and you aren't ready for it? It's okay to back up and say, I need to take some time and think. Let your brain process what has been said. Talk to your boyfriend about the on-line discussion. Don't try to rush into anything. But do try to open your mind enough to look at the issue from a different view point. Doesn't mean you have to change, however, it may give you insight in how he is thinking and feeling.

Good luck.

[Alty]

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases. There are no chains or shackles involved here. If he felt that way about this he would outright say so but he hasn't.

Great, then he can continue to watch the porn that he wants to watch, and there's no issue. So what's the problem?

I have asked him if he feels like I'm pressuring him to change who he is and he has told me that no, he doesn't feel that way BUT that he does feel I could stand to learn more about what brings some men to watch porn - and I don't disagree with that.

You could stand to learn a few things about men and porn, that's very true.

You said that if he felt that you're pressuring him about watching porn, he'd outright say it. Sounds like he has said it, you just aren't listening, otherwise why is he still watching porn, only hiding it from you?

Either way, you said he's allowed to do what he wants to do, so really, what is the problem?

Not that I'm going to subject myself to learning about that here because clearly there's only one point of view that exists on this forum - which isn't much help at all.

That's your prerogative. I don't think you're ready to learn anyway, you're not ready to give up what yo believe, and how you feel. You're not ready to accept anything but your own point of view.

When you are, if you want help, we're here. If not, and you continue doing things the way you're doing, forcing him to hide what he wants to do, then I don't see a happy outcome with this relationship. But that's your choice, only you can make it.

Good luck.

[Oliver2011]

Just curious if you doing it voluntarily made a difference? What if they had insisted you give it up?

Its not something we ever talked about. When my partner moved in there was just a lot more going on and there was no need for it. But also I didn't announce "You're here so I am now stopping..."

[JudyKayTee]

As an investigator I must add that I have been called in numerous times because the home grown porn tape gets into the wrong hands. Either one of the partners has bragging rights and decides to share it OR the couple breaks up and it's shared out of spite OR someone finds it. On one occasion a child found it and brought it "home" to the custodial parent and that made for a very interesting Family Court hearing (to say the least). Would I participate in "home grown" porn in my own home with my partner? No.

"I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into."

I don't see that he HAS to do anything and apparently he feels the same. Would it be nice if he respected your request? Sure. Do you have a right to demand it? I don't think so.

Your problems with self respect are just that - your problems with self respect. Only you can fix yourself.

Maybe you want to view yourself having sex. Maybe he doesn't want to view himself having sex. Maybe that's what it boils down to.

[CravenMorhead]

I read through this and am not going to post the response I was going to in response to your first response to me. Don't get me wrong I have some tasty things to say.

First off, riddle me this: The title of this thread:

Masturbating to porn that's not of us, why does it keep happening.

When men masturbate they usually do it to a fantasy they're having. It isn't a solid thing like, "I have Angelica Jolie bent over while brad pit is licking my..." it is a thought. Like maybe you the last time he plowed you, or maybe it was when he was at that restaurant and the waitress bent over just right and he could see down her shirt. It could have been that midget gangbang video he saw, or anyone of a number of things. Even if he has everything you two have done on video, or pictures of, he still probably won't be thinking of that.

That is why it keeps happening. It is getting that seed of fantasy. It doesn't mean that he wants to have that kind of sex with that person or group of people. We're not dissatisfied with our mates or anything like that. It is because that's the itch they need to scratch and the porn is the scratcher. We don't associate what we spank to with desires or people. We know this. You don't.

Moving along.

(Quoted loosely.) I want to make homemade porn, and he is shy. How can I help him get over it?

We will ignore for the moment the fact that he only agreed to this because you won't allow him to watch porn. Don't give me this compromise bull, it was your decision and he doesn't like seeing you upset and was embarrassed about being cause so he kowtowed to you. Own up to this. You're working on your issues, prove it and own up to your bull.

Have you asked why he is shy? Is it his body issues? Surprise we have them too. Is it modesty? Is it that he can't watch himself plow you? Maybe he just wants to see you with a toy.

Talk to him. If you can't talk about sex then you shouldn't be having it. This is a conversation that you need to have with him.

Now onto other stuff:

I don't like that he watches strangers , plain and simple, that's just how I feel about it, period. I'm not surprised that the male responses thus far justify what he's doing, pretty typical if you ask me.

Typical male response? This is the typical female response, if we're going to be sexist here then we should be at least equal in that.

You're ignorant and you're happy with it. You're also entitled. You expect him to bow down to his whim or leave. I strongly encourage him to leave. You believe that you have no need to change and you're happy about that. That he is a project to be worked upon until he is the perfect person you imagine him to be. Will you be disappointed that he's no longer the person you fell in love with I wonder.

What will the outcome be? You're going to dump because you can't respect his privacy and he won't stop. This is going to be a constant theme until you find someone who is clever enough that you can't find any trace of it.

Telling me that there's something wrong with me isn't helpful at all. So with that said, responses from here on out that even hint at that as being the core of the issue will be ignored. Proactive responses is all I care about here.

You asked for advice. Often in the Adult Sexuality the issue you think you have isn't the issue that is seen. You're too close to the situation to accurately dissect and address what is going on. We're calling them as we see them. You're getting what you pay for.

[smoothy]

As far as the home made porn videos...

I'm open to a lot of things with my wife... but we've never done a home video.

Why? I'll tell you why... I've seen thousands of "home movies" posted on the internet for all to see that were never intended to be seen by anyone other thant the two participants...

Its not just celebrites getting embarrassed... and once its out there... you will never get it back. I've seen hundreds of them I've actually downloaded... at a minimum...

You don't HAVE to put it out intentiuonally, or stolen... you just have to forget about it... it gets tossed out... someone finds it... views it and posts it then the cats out of the bag...


Like pandoras box... once the lid is off... you can't put it all back inside and close it up again.

[JudyKayTee]

Boils down to - OP wants him to change and stop watching porn.

OP wants him to change and agree to a "home grown" porn tape.

OP herself is not willing to change and drop the porn watching/porn making "requests."

"I love you just the way you are. Now change."

[busymomma2013]

The OP, as far as I can see, has not asked her husband to stop masturbating to porn, but has simply let him now that it makes her uncomfortable. And she stated that " He had told me in the past that he wouldn't watch porn".

[smoothy]

Still an unreasonible "request" or whatever word you call it... a request is made once and compliance is optional... by the third or forth time the "Request" is made it has become nagging.

If she's uncomfortable... she needs to work on her problem so she isn't uncomfortable any longer.

If you are uncomfortable with cats... you can't demand everyone in your neighborhood has to get rid of their cats so you never have to face one.

The world doesn't conform to the individual... the individual conforms to the world. If they choose not to... they will have problems and they will be their own responsibility.

That's a universal rule... because it applies to so many different things.

[talaniman]

Part of the whole problem of this thread is to many older experienced people trying to guide a younger less experienced one who wants easy answers to a complex issue.

"How to get a guy to make a sex tape because he is uncomfortable with him whacking off to the stranger in porn."

She doesn't want to hear deal with your own issues. She wants to hear how to change him. She want him to deal with her issue for her, so guess who gets the blame when it fails? Of course he does.

Shifting responsibility to him was the whole goal any way. We often see insecurity or a lack of control to manifest itself in ways to control. They seldom work. Often it a disaster waiting to happen. The bottom line is the fear that causes the discomfort. Wonder what that's all about and why it ignored by the OP?

[busymomma2013]

Still an unreasonible "request" or whatever word you call it.....a request is made once and compliance is optional....by the third or forth time the "Request" is made it has become nagging.

If she's uncomfortable...she needs to work on her problem so she isn't uncomfortable any longer.

If you are uncomfortable with cats...you can't demand everyone in your neighborhood has to get rid of their cats so you never have to face one.

The world doesn't conform to the individual...the individual conforms to the world. If they choose not to...they will have problems and they will be their own responsibility.

Thats a universal rule...because it applies to so many different things.

Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work.

[JudyKayTee]

I’m reading this as a request that the significant other stop watching: “When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.”
“Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.” I’d kindly ask that the OP not direct who answers the question and/or which answers are “worthy” and which are not. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

“Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.” This is apparently a sample of OP’s own sensitivity.

Let’s see, how to phrase this? Oh, I know - I think this is one (admittedly) somewhat messed up chick in a messed up relationship. As Alty said, if your partner doesn’t meet your standards, find another partner.
"How to get a guy to make a sex tape because he is uncomfortable with him whacking off to the stranger in porn."

“Tal,” I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. Classic and you summed it up! Delightful!

[JudyKayTee]

"Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work."


There's no team when one partner relies on the other to measure her self worth and is making all of the requests/demands/whatever you choose to call them.