[PhoenixM8]

I'm seeing a lot of questions on here relating to one's significant other watching porn, though I can relate to some of the concerns, here's where I'm at with it:

I recognize that men and women are different when it comes to sexuality - at least in some ways. I also recognize that there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbation. My problem however lies in the means through which masturbation is accomplished.

You guessed it, my significant other has been "caught" watching porn and masturbating. I've talked with him about it four different times now, he knows that it makes me very uncomfortable. He made the suggestion that we could video ourselves and he could watch that instead, which I'm all for, however when I pull out the camera he avoids it. He had told me in the past that he wouldn't watch porn (that didn't involve us) and I (perhaps naively) believed him. Come to find out he has been watching porn secretly despite what we've talked about.

My real problem here is that even though we've agreed on a solution to alleviate the discomforting aspect of his masturbation needs he hasn't been willing to follow through.

For me personally, it's a matter of respect. Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

[Oliver2011]

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

[smoothy]

Cripes...

It's got NOTHING to do with "Respect". Lets get that over right away.

You have a problem... and the way to deal with it isn't threaten and intemidate someone else so you don't have to face it.

Tell you what... you give up all your girly books and check flicks etc first... then when you are completely free of anything that a female might find titilating... then you will be in the position to judge him.


Persoanlly... speaking as a guy... you want to know the best way to get a guy seriously considering cheating with someone else? You got it... you are doing it now.


Looking at other women isn't disrepectful... looking and porn isn't disrespectful... if he was FLIRTING with other women with you around... now THAT would be disrespectful. IF he was actually cheating on you... that would be disrespectful.

Is you getting all soppy wet watching a Brad Pitt movie or a George Clooney movie any different? Nope... not really.

Yeah, I've ditched women over the years that were that insecure about themselves... I eventually married one that isn't. I learned early on.. that I wasn't a psycologist... and I didn't need to marry a project because lifes too short.

[talaniman]

I think he had good intentions to make you happy, but the doing was a lot more difficult. It's that way with most guys I think, and its hard for a guy to know why females take such a private personal matter so personally and make it about them.

Simply put we don't understand what the big deal with whacking off to porn. WHY are you uncomfortable? Before you make your partner do anything maybe you should know why and for what end you do it.

I think it wise to get in touch with yourself (no pun) before you bring it to others so you can honestly express legitimate concerns not disjointed feelings. As a guy geez why do I have to get caught and punished for my time with me? Why can't you deal with your own discomfort?

Maybe you don't masturbate, or need no pictures or images to do so, some guys don't either, but if your guy does is a few minutes of privacy that hard (no pun) to give?

Relationships are about compromise even if you are uncomfortable but if it's a deal breaker or an issue that can't be resolved, then you leave and find someone you can work with to build a life that you both can enjoy.

What would have been your reaction if he told you that your discomfort was your problem to solve? Is that better than lying and trying to make your discomfort go away? The problem as I see it is he made a promise and couldn't keep it. He should NOT have made that promise.

Give him some privacy, and deal with your discomfort, until you can both work out a resolution that you both can agree on. I mean it okay to whack off on homemade porn, but not internet porn? That's not working!

I think your guy has a few years to go before he can deal with YOUR discomfort. Seems you have a problem dealing with it too, so he has no chance at this time.

My real problem here is that even though we've agreed on a solution to alleviate the discomforting aspect of his masturbation needs he hasn't been willing to follow through.

Good idea, but doesn't seem to work. Try something else. Put your heads together.

[CravenMorhead]

I can't honestly add much here.

You know the difference between the arousal cycles of men and women. You know he isn't watching this because he's dissatisfied with you. This is like trimming his toe nails. Except that one has porn and the other nail clippers. I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to figure out which is which.

An enlightenment on conflict and resolution. If you haven't figured it out most men don't like to see their mates upset. When a conclusion like this comes up we are embarrassed at being caught and will do anything to solve it quickly. If we say that we will stop then more often then not we won't but just hide it better. You saw this. I think he was a little shy and didn't want to be filmed. Most of the time it is the other way around.

I have also seen a LOT of amateur porn. It is pretty bad, heck I made some with my ex-wife. Cameras suck, lighting suck, angles suck, and some people get bashful when seeing themselves on camera. As well once something like that is made you have to make sure it doesn't end up online. Getting harder and harder to do these days. For him it is like going from using a nail gun to poorly shaped stone. It will get the job done, but it isn't the best thing to use.

So where can we go from here?

In addition to what has been said so far:
1). Ignore it. If you find it just ignore it. This is why, it doesn't matter. Thing about your intimate relationship from before he was caught and from the time he was caught again. What changed? You found out. That is all. Now he was to find better ways of hiding it. In the end he is still with you. He still likes playing hide the sausage. He's not dissatisfied with you. All he needs to do is clip his nails. Which is to say play with his penis.
2). If you want, make the homemade, I wouldn't. I don't think it is necessary. It might be good though, because now he has sanctioned porn that he can use to legitimize his porn watching. You can believe that he's thinking about you when he is tenderizing his striploin.
3). Out of sight out of mind. Just tell him that he can do what he wants so long as you know NOTHING about it. Tell him about hiding places and private browsing.

I was really petering out on the last one. In the end it is your issue and not his. You don't have enough faith that he's interested in you, regardless of what he says and does. That is on you to fix.

[PhoenixM8]

(directed @ smooth)

Yeah OK, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...

[talaniman]

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

Just curious if you doing it voluntarily made a difference? What if they had insisted you give it up?

[CravenMorhead]

(directed @ smooth)

yeah ok, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...

What would you have done if he had said: "No. There is nothing wrong with that I am doing. It is your problem of self-image and self-worth. I love you and that will never change."

I am curious.

[PhoenixM8]

I can't honestly add much here.

You know the difference between the arousal cycles of men and women. You know he isn't watching this because he's dissatisfied with you. This is like trimming his toe nails. Except that one has porn and the other nail clippers. I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to figure out which is which.

An enlightenment on conflict and resolution. If you haven't figured it out most men don't like to see their mates upset. When a conclusion like this comes up we are embarrassed at being caught and will do anything to solve it quickly. If we say that we will stop then more often then not we won't but just hide it better. You saw this. I think he was a little shy and didn't want to be filmed. Most of the time it is the other way around.

I have also seen a LOT of amateur porn. It is pretty bad, heck I made some with my ex-wife. Cameras suck, lighting suck, angles suck, and some people get bashful when seeing themselves on camera. As well once something like that is made you have to make sure it doesn't end up online. Getting harder and harder to do these days. For him it is like going from using a nail gun to poorly shaped stone. It will get the job done, but it isn't the best thing to use.

So where can we go from here?

In addition to what has been said so far:
1). Ignore it. If you find it just ignore it. This is why, it doesn't matter. Thing about your intimate relationship from before he was caught and from the time he was caught again. What changed? You found out. That is all. Now he was to find better ways of hiding it. In the end he is still with you. He still likes playing hide the sausage. He's not dissatisfied with you. All he needs to do is clip his nails. Which is to say play with his penis.
2). If you want, make the homemade, I wouldn't. I don't think it is necessary. It might be good though, because now he has sanctioned porn that he can use to legitimize his porn watching. You can believe that he's thinking about you when he is tenderizing his striploin.
3). Out of sight out of mind. Just tell him that he can do what he wants so long as you know NOTHING about it. Tell him about hiding places and private browsing.

I was really petering out on the last one. In the end it is your issue and not his. You don't have enough faith that he's interested in you, regardless of what he says and does. That is on you to fix.

I know it's on me to "fix", however, in order to compromise on this issue I think I'm being more than fair by being OK with him watching a video of us instead of some porno on the web showing some girl getting ed six ways to Sunday.

There are some things about myself that will likely never change so at the end of the day he can either be OK with that or move on, it'll be his loss not mine. I am the way I am, I think the way I think for good reason and I don't feel the need to explain that to everyone here. All I was looking to find out is more about how I can persuade him to overcome the shyness. If he wants to hold the camera so he can be in control of the angles etc while I blow him, then he can do that. I'm looking for a mutually satisfying solution to this.

I don't like that he watches strangers , plain and simple, that's just how I feel about it, period. I'm not surprised that the male responses thus far justify what he's doing, pretty typical if you ask me.

Telling me that there's something wrong with me isn't helpful at all. So with that said, responses from here on out that even hint at that as being the core of the issue will be ignored. Proactive responses is all I care about here.

[PhoenixM8]

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

This is something I can appreciate and relate to.
Thank you for stating that. I definitely feel as though it would be the right thing to do.

[PhoenixM8]

What would you have done if he had said: "No. There is nothing wrong with that I am doing. It is your problem of self-image and self-worth. I love you and that will never change."

I am curious.

I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into.

[smoothy]

(directed @ smooth)

yeah ok, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...

Um, not it ISN'T a matter or respect... hate to tell you... nobody appointed you queen... Ever hear the saying a marriage is a partnership? Grasp the meaning of partnership? It means its not a master/slave thing... He isn't subservient to you any more than you are to him.

You have no right to force him into any promise like that... how about he hounds you day in and day out he want you to have a threesome with another woman... you finally agree just to get him to shut up about it... so he finds someone and you refuse to honor the promise you made to him about doing it. I suppose he's got the right to keep giving you crap until you make good on your promise... right?


There wasn't "talking" going on... you was lecturing him like he was a subordinate,. he said that to get you to shut up... not because he intended to do it... or that he felt you had any right to make that demand.

I don't care if you like it or not... I'm just being straight up and direct. If you find him not coming home one day... this will be on you... because I warned you.

How about finding out what HE wants you to do... and you do it whether you want to do it or even like doing it... then you might get the drift of the point I'm making here.

He's developing resentment right now... keep it up and its only going to get worse. If it doesn't get better he's going to start "working late" and at some point not coming home at all.

After all... what do I know... I'm only a 51 year old man that been around and in a good marriage with a good woman for 21 years that doesn't give me this kind of crap, and never has. And who has met.. dated and dumped women that acted much like you do about things. A few worse... a few not as much. And I've dated women on two continents (I've spent considerable time living in Europe), and from 9 different countries before I got married.


Real "RESPECT" in a marriage is viewing your spouse as your equal... not your child or subordinate subject to your "orders".

If you don't face your problems yourself and deal with them... then they never get better... threatening others so you don't have to face them... isn't dealing with them.

[PhoenixM8]

Um, not it ISN'T a matter or respect...hate to tell you...nobody appointed you queen... Ever hear the saying a marriage is a partnership? Grasp the meaning of partnership? It means its not a master/slave thing...He isn't subservient to you any more than you are to him.

You have no right to force him into any promise like that....how about he hounds you day in and day out he want you to have a threesome with another woman....you finally agree just to get him to shut up about it.....so he finds someone and you refuse to honor the promise you made to him about doing it. I suppose he's got the right to keep giving you crap until you make good on your promise...right?


There wasn't "talking" going on...you was lecturing him like he was a subordinate,....he said that to get you to shut up...not because he intended to do it...or that he felt you had any right to make that demand.

I don't care if you like it or not...I'm just being straight up and direct. If you find him not coming home one day.....this will be on you....because I warned you.

How about finding out what HE wants you to do...and you do it whether or not you want to do it or even like doing it.....then you might get the drift of the point I'm making here.

He's developing resentment right now....keep it up and its only going to get worse. If it doesn't get better he's going to start "working late" and at some point not coming home at all.

After all...what do I know...I'm only a 51 year old man that been around and in a good marriage with a good woman for 21 years that doesn't give me this kind of crap, and never has. And who has met..dated and dumped women that acted much like you do about things. A few worse...a few not as much. And I've dated women on two continents (I've spent considerable time living in Europe), and from 9 different countries before I got married.


Real "RESPECT" in a marriage is viewing your spouse as your equal.....not your child or subordinate subject to your "orders".

If you don't face your problems yourself and deal with them....then they never get better....threatening others so you don't have to face them...isn't dealing with them.

Ok there old man, first of all, you have no idea what the exchange has been between he and I up to this point, so don't pretend to know anything about that. Secondly, I don't need your warnings. Not everyone is like you or like your wife and not every relationship is going to look the same. If the way I feel about something is going to be the end of my relationship then so be it. It's not like he's never asked me to do things out of respect for him or stopped doing things that he was uncomfortable with. It's called give and take, that's what balances a relationship.

I'm working on finding a solution for both of us here, I'm not looking for you or anyone else to try and tell me I'm in the wrong. I don't care if anyone thinks that of me, you can think whatever you want. My partner knew what he was getting involved in when he decided to be with me. Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.

[talaniman]

Keep the camera in bed with you until he warms to the idea and wants to use it. Yes he knew what he was getting into with you, hope you know what you were getting into also.

As long a you both are willing to keep working on it, you probably will succeed, no matter the obstacles or difficulties.

Also set up multiple cameras. Make sure the commitment is deep because in 20 years you will hate the kids, and grand kids getting hold of it.

[Cat1864]

I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into.

I think what you may be missing is that he may have gotten into the relationship with some understanding of what to expect, but so did you.

I don't think you have fully thought this through. It is a slippery slope when one partner expects the other one to change so they feel more secure. Adapting to each other's needs and desires is a part of being in a relationship. It should be done because the partners want to change. That is what Oliver did, adapted to being in a relationship, because it was what he wanted. Requesting/demanding changes is very different.

Changes that are made to please another person rarely succeed in lasting very long. Changes that are made to make someone feel more secure often end up causing more issues. The person struggling with feeling insecure or less confident has to be able to find the confidence and security inside themselves. If the person cannot create a foundation of security inside themselves then any changes the partner makes will not be enough. Porn is the original focus. Take that out and the next concern becomes comments about women on TV or the street, looking too long at or flirting a waitress.

Watching porn is viewing strangers, actors playing roles (even most of the amateur stuff is scripted), pure fantasy from the mind of a script writer, director, and producer. If he stops using porn, will you start worrying that he is fantasizing about other women that he sees and/or interacts with? Do you really think you would be his only source of inspiration? In an attempt to raise your self-confidence and 'help' you feel more secure, would your next 'request' be for him to stop masturbating because you can't control his thoughts?

You can talk with him. You can ask him to make changes. You can be realistic and not accept promises you don't think he would be able to keep. But the only person's whose actions and reactions you can control are your own. If you can't accept the porn, you feel like he is lying and hiding, etc. then you can leave the relationship.

Do not put all of the responsibility for the relationship surviving or ending on him. Do not try to assign blame if it doesn't survive. Accept that you are too different in some ways and this just wasn't right for either of you.

All of that said, if you really want to make a video, you don't need him. Make one of/for yourself. Share it with him. Maybe that will give you both what you want.

Good luck.

[PhoenixM8]

Keep the camera in bed with you until he warms to the idea and wants to use it. Yes he knew what he was getting into with you, hope you know what you were getting into also.

As long a you both are willing to keep working on it, you probably will succeed, no matter the obstacles or difficulties.

Also set up multiple cameras. Make sure the commitment is deep because in 20 years you will hate the kids, and grand kids getting hold of it.

At last! A response with some ideas to help us in our agreement.

There won't be any kids in our "big picture" so I think we're safe there :)
Multiple cameras - check!

Thank you!

[smoothy]

Ok there old man, first of all, you have no idea what the exchange has been between he and I up to this point, so don't pretend to know anything about that. Secondly, I don't need your warnings. Not everyone is like you or like your wife and not every relationship is going to look the same. If the way I feel about something is going to be the end of my relationship then so be it. It's not like he's never asked me to do things out of respect for him or stopped doing things that he was uncomfortable with. It's called give and take, that's what balances a relationship.

I'm working on finding a solution for both of us here, I'm not looking for you or anyone else to try and tell me I'm in the wrong. I don't care if anyone thinks that of me, you can think whatever you want. My partner knew what he was getting involved in when he decided to be with me. Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.

From your bad attitude about this... You told me enough to fill a book. If not an encyclopedia.

Also, you know and understand far, far, far less about men than you think you do... I see him walking out in the near future... no man with a set of balls will allow someone to belittle him like you are doing. And you need to hear it because apparently you are only focused on what YOU want and couldn't care less about what he wants.

Yes I know your type well... thanks for revealing it to everyone. My hunch was right... now everyone else can see it.

And incidentally.. you don't get to tell me if I can answer or not... you did take the time to read the rules and terms of service you signed , didn't you... apparently not.

You also have a poor understanding of the meaning of respect ( you showed it in this post) or relationships... you are really young.. aren't you?

If you want someone to agree with you even when you are wrong... talk to your friends... I don't care if you like me or not... I'm giving you the straight facts. If you care about your relationship... you will listen.

[PhoenixM8]

I think what you may be missing is that he may have gotten into the relationship with some understanding of what to expect, but so did you.

I don't think you have fully thought this through. It is a slippery slope when one partner expects the other one to change so they feel more secure. Adapting to each other's needs and desires is a part of being in a relationship. It should be done because the partners want to change. That is what Oliver did, adapted to being in a relationship, because it was what he wanted. Requesting/demanding changes is very different.

Changes that are made to please another person rarely succeed in lasting very long. Changes that are made to make someone feel more secure often end up causing more issues. The person struggling with feeling insecure or less confident has to be able to find the confidence and security inside themselves. If the person cannot create a foundation of security inside themselves then any changes the partner makes will not be enough. Porn is the original focus. Take that out and the next concern becomes comments about women on TV or the street, looking too long at or flirting a waitress.

Watching porn is viewing strangers, actors playing roles (even most of the amateur stuff is scripted), pure fantasy from the mind of a script writer, director, and producer. If he stops using porn, will you start worrying that he is fantasizing about other women that he sees and/or interacts with? Do you really think you would be his only source of inspiration? In an attempt to raise your self-confidence and 'help' you feel more secure, would your next 'request' be for him to stop masturbating because you can't control his thoughts?

You can talk with him. You can ask him to make changes. You can be realistic and not accept promises you don't think he would be able to keep. But the only person's whose actions and reactions you can control are your own. If you can't accept the porn, you feel like he is lying and hiding, etc. then you can leave the relationship.

Do not put all of the responsibility for the relationship surviving or ending on him. Do not try to assign blame if it doesn't survive. Accept that you are too different in some ways and this just wasn't right for either of you.

All of that said, if you really want to make a video, you don't need him. Make one of/for yourself. Share it with him. Maybe that will give you both what you want.

Good luck.

Like I said before, I have no issue with him masturbating at all.
A while back a did a boudoir photo shoot with him in mind. Was something that I did with the intention of capturing my youthfulness in a time frozen moment that he could have forever - visual stimuli so-to-speak.

Funny how this all turned into something far bigger than it was meant to. The bottom line is that I will probably never be comfortable being with someone who feels the need to watch porn in order to get their jollies off - that's just me and I understand not everyone feels the same way which is fine but just because I feel this way doesn't make it wrong or mean there's something I need to fix about myself. Regardless of what other people might think. My partner knows this about me so, yes, it does come down to whether he can be OK with that part of me. If he can't then I know all I need to know. But that wasn't the issue here. I wanted ideas on how to help both of us make good on the solution we felt might help.

As far as noticing other women, that's something we do together lol If he notices a beautiful woman, he points it out to me and I'll give him my thoughts on whether I see the same beauty he does. So that's a non issue for us. Flirting, as we have both agreed, is crossing a line so that part we've already established a mutual understanding of.

I have no problem admitting that I do have self-worth issues (I have my past to thank for that) and it's something I am working on daily (aside from a multitude of other f-ed up-ness that is my life).

A part of me wishes he had done a better job of hiding it since he knew from the start how I felt about it. The saying "what you don't know can't hurt you" comes to mind. Reality though is that it came out and now we have to find a way to address it.

[talaniman]

Life is so much more enjoyable to deal with when you are healthy, and healed from the past experiences.

[Alty]

It's so hard to give an answer on issues like this, simply because most women, no matter how much you tell them why this happens, why it continues to happen, don't want to hear it, or don't actually listen. I'll try anyway, and before you comment, because I'm sure you'll have issues with my post since you don't agree, I'm female, and married.

You want to know why he hid it after you talked to him about it and expressed that you don't like it. You think it's a matter of respect, that he should stop because you don't like it. Do you see any problem with that? I do.

For the sake of argument let's say that you love romance novels. You read them all the time. When you read them, they turn you on.

One day the boyfriend comes home and finds your stash of romance novels. He says "I don't like that you're reading them, I want you to stop, this is not okay with me." How would you feel about that? Heck, substitute anything for the romance novels. Substitute something you enjoy doing. I don't know you well enough to know what that would be. Would you be okay with quitting something you enjoy, just because the boyfriend doesn't like you doing it? Be honest with yourself.

Fact is, you demanded that he stop. He loves you, and wants to make you happy, so he agreed to appease you. He didn't stop, because he doesn't want to, and shouldn't have to. He has a right to watch porn, it's not illegal, it's not dangerous. He has a right, you tried to take away that right.

Sure, you offered to make a home porn video. Good for you, that's great. Obviously that's not what he wants. Let's go back to my fake scenario "Honey, I don't like you reading romance novels. If you have to do it, I'll write one for you, and you can only read it. Deal?"

Bottom line, you're trying to change who he is. Whenever someone tries to do that in a relationship, it ends badly.

Either accept him for who he is, or find someone else. He has a right to be who he is, and you have no right to demand him to change, or get mad when he doesn't.