[skyecko]

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and asked for no contact. She will reply if I text her occasionally I think out of niceness. She does not contact me on her own.

She told me since the breakup that if were meant to be we will be and I need to trust her.

I don't know if she cares about me or is just trying to put me off. I don't want to waste my time but the problem is I love her dearly. I am very confused why she would ask me to trust her but then ask for no contact also.

What can I do?

[Zea]

O, it's like I am reading a love doomed from the start novel presented from a third person limited.

Do you get it?

[dontknownuthin]

You are asking what the potential is for your relationship, she's told you flat out. You don't like the answer, so you keep asking. You still don't listen to the answer.

She broke up with you.
She said she does not want contact with you for two months.
You are contacting her anyway.
She feels guilty about hurting you and doesn't want to be rude, so she responds.
She reiterates to you that she doesn't want the contact, she doesn't want to be with you right now. If you're meant to be together later it will happen. For now, it's a no.
You try to read into that, like, "does that mean she wants me and misses me?"
No, it means she wants you to leave her alone and she's trying to be nice about it.

Leave the girl alone. She's broken up with you and asked you to leave her alone so stop. She's sorry she hurt your feelings and disappointed you but the relationship isn't right for her.

She should stop telling you things like that "if it's meant to be later, it will work out". She should have just broken up cold.

That said, her motivation isn't to keep you on the line - it's because when we break up with people, it hurts them. She doesn't want to be a hurtful person.

You really need to move on.

[skyecko]

Well, if I get it I don't want to know. I'm not sure. Problem is I didn't do anything so terrible that I know of to cause her to breakup. I didn't give her enough space when she asked for it. But I didn't treat her bad. She is married and trying to get her citizenship and she has kids. But she was dating me and everything was fine and she even told her husband (he had moved out of house) that she was seeing me. I'm really not sure and she is giving me mixed signals. Why is she asking me to trust her and if its meant to be it will be??

[skyecko]

She isn't talking with me. I'm not sure how to build trust with her but trust is a big issue and she didn't think I trusted her even though I did. So her asking me to trust her after we are already broken up makes me feel like she has a plan but she is not telling me specifically. Since she asked for no contact I can't show her a good attitude because we aren't talking. She is married + kids and it trying to get her citizenship through her husband. She says these are her priorities and broke up with me stating that; although only thing I did wrong was just not give her enough space.

3 weeks before she broke up with me we have an argument and she text me this.

"I have fear for many things that if I do something wrong bad things could happen, I have told you many times we aren't perfect but I know you are perfect for me, I want to make you happy And i know I can do it, I told you I need to get things straight and all I'm asking is give me time and space, if you think that this will ruin wherever we have, I'm sorry, I want to be with you with no fear of anything, it might be hard but I think this is the way, I don't want this relation to get very strong then brake, that will hurt more than if we wait and do the right thing, I didn't know talking to you getting to know each other will became a relationship, I do want to be your girlfriend and you my boyfriend but I need space and time to little by little change my life and include you in it. Everything has happen really fast for good but at the same as fast can break if we don't do the right things. I like you and care about you a lot, I hope you really understand me, I noticed I don't like to repeat things but I will learn to do it to make sure we understand each other."

** 3 weeks after that text she breaks up with me and sends me this text **

""ThankYou for giving me the time and space I need, yes I want to know too how you areand say hello sometimes but for me is really hard to be just friends after ofwhat we had, but for me I think is better if we just limit our conversationswork related I'm loosing you right now because this is how it need to be,because I know if we mean to be together it don't matter how much time willpass we will end up together, but for right now we just can't do it. I don'tknow if I'm clear but like I told you already about my priorities. I don't wantto hurt you on any way I care about you and always will be thinking on you."

** 3 weeks after this I go to her husbands store **

After no contact she calls me asking what are my intentions going to her husbands store. I say "None". She then tells me that she is thinking of me everyday and I don't need to worry about that; and that I need to trust her "That's if were meant to be together we will be together" -- I tell her I do trust her.

We go back to no contact.

So you can see why I might be confused as to what it is she is thinking?

[Zea]

Here is the thing you need to know my friend:

Trust- No trust no steady relationship.

Miss-communication- She has to speak clearly. Trust me? Come on, don't turn it into a drama series.

Give it a break already, don't mix it all up; the divorce, your feelings, her feelings, her husband... etc. you know she is busy so just stop waiting for her.

Also, if she can't trust you than why is she asking you to trust her? She is misleading you, because her words don't match her actions.

My advice to you is that you should forget it all, and move on. But in the end the choice is YOURS.

[dontknownuthin]

First of all, you don't have to do anything wrong or bad for someone to want to break up with you. We are all looking for compatibility, and she may just not think you're compatible.

Secondly, she's not really "your" anything. She's someone else's wife. She apparently had an affair with you, which is hurtful to her husband and her children. She's probably come to her senses and realized that what she has done is morally reprehensible. The fact that she told her husband about it and he moved out does not mean their relationship is over. Many people separate, get through the betrayal and get back together. It sounds like she needs you to leave her alone so she can focus on her marriage, whether that means repairing it or ending it.

You said you did nothing wrong but you did something hugely wrong - you got involved with a married woman. Generally, when a person has an affair, it indicates something about their personal boundaries in relationships. I would not have an affair with a married person because frankly, if I ended up with them, I would not want them to have an affair during our marriage.

You need to not only leave this woman alone but her entire family. You've participated in a huge betrayal of her husband and kids. Even if they were destined for divorce, she owed him the courtesy of finishing the marriage with some honor before getting involved with someone else.

Having worked several years in family law (as a paralegal), I can also tell you that when people get divorced, it's a long healing and recovery process. Whether they loved their spouse or not, it's a lot to go through, particularly when children are involved. I would not advise anyone to date any divorced person for a solid year after the divorce is final because they just aren't going to be emotionally ready. If she stays involved with you at this time, your relationship hardly has any chance at all. If you let her resolve her marriage, and she ends up getting divorced, you could have a decent chance of a good relationship a year from now.

Crowding her in this situation is a huge mistake, and contacting a married woman who has asked you not to is a huge violation of boundaries.

[talaniman]

Do as she asked and leave her alone, and get your own life together. Its all she can do do get her own act together.

I would never trust a married woman who would cheat on her husband while using him to get a visa.

NEVER!! Wake up dude, you gave your heart to a lying cheater that dumped you. How whack is that?

[Zea]

Do as she asked and leave her alone, and get your own life together. Its all she can do do get her own act together.

I would never trust a married woman who would cheat on her husband while using him to get a visa.

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up dude, you gave your heart to a lying cheater that dumped you. How whack is that?

Actually, she is trying to divorce her husband while dating him, so she does not live with her husband anymore. I know it is confusing, especially if you did not read his post form a week or two weeks ago.

[talaniman]

It doesn't matter what she is trying to do. There is no confusion at her being a lying cheater and NOT handling her business which is at home. What part of leaving married people alone is it you are not understanding here Zea?

[Zea]

It doesn't matter what she is trying to do. There is no confusion at her being a lying cheater and NOT handling her business which is at home. What part of leaving married people alone is it you are not understanding here Zea?

I know what you are saying; of course marriage commitment means you make a promise to love someone unconditionally. I don't like cheaters too, because they play with people when they say, I love you, then in a second turn to another person and say the same thing. It is wrong, and meaningless.

But he said that she is not physically intimate with her husband, while they started dating; because they are living in two different places, and she is trying to divorce him while dating him. So, technically they are not together because they are trying to separate in to two different roads.
I am not trying to be rude here, but when they both agree to divorce do they expect loyalty from one another? I doubt that, and yes I agree, it is disrespectful to start a relationship while still trying to divorce; unless I am mistaken here. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

[talaniman]

Its really not you that should be corrected, it's the fools who follow their heart down the wrong path. I mean isn't it crazy to pursue romance with a person whose life is a mess, and confusion is where she is at?

You don't walk into a disaster and hope for happily ever after.

[Zea]

You are right, it is sad when you meet someone, and trust your heart, only to be disappointed when you get the results. When you fall in love, you forget to pay attention on what is happing in front of your eyes; I don't think we could blame people who get overwhelmed with affection, it is an amazing feeling when you feel loved, and it is a language that only your heart speaks, for this reason you do forget about yourself, and what is best for you.

[talaniman]

Yeah I know, its not easy telling your heart to shut up, and listen to your brain.

[skyecko]

Actually, we talked last night for the first time for 2.5 hours. She says that she enjoyed what we had and would like to have it again in the future if she could; but for now she is going to stay with her husband for the kids happiness even though she does not love him. She said I should date other people because she wants me to be happy but that of course she would like me to wait for her maybe but she doesn't want to sacrifice my happiness over hers; and she cannot guarantee what will happen in the future if anything. She says she that we need to close this "chapter" of our lives and move on. She is asking for us to meet "One last time" so she can return my pajamas and things and I guess say goodbye? Anyway, I'm not sure what to think. I don't know if I have a chance with her in the future once she takes care of her things; or if she just told me she would like to have what we had again in the future if it was possible. She did tell me she wanted to do things the "right way" which I suppose means being faithful to her husband and cutting contact with me for him? I'm not sure. But she said what we had was "magical" and no matter what she will always be thinking of me and she can never forget me.

[dontknownuthin]

Exactly - all this noise is meaningless. She is married. She has kids. She is using two men, betraying both, hurting her kids and being selfish. And she's also cheating to get citizenship - ugh. What a load this woman is! She's not girlfriend material.

People have a lot of motivations for being married. Some people marry for money, stability, to get out of their parent's house, because they are eager to have kids, or for love - maybe their parents arranged it. Whatever. The bottom line is marriage is marriage - it's a promise. Betrayal is bettrayal - the betrayal isn't more acceptable just because there's an elaborate, self-serving excuse for it.

He needs to leave her alone because no matter how unethical and ridiculous she is, he should be a stand up guy. That requires that first, you don't date another guy's wife, no matter the circumstances of the marriage. Second, you don't call people who ask you not to call, no matter the circumstances of the request not to call.

[skyecko]

So I talked with her last night because I wanted to apologize to her. In Jan she went on a trip to Vegas and I asked if she had been drinking and she took it as I didn't trust her. After she came back our relationship changed. I did not know for sure if that was it because in a conversation we had she had said she had already forgotten that. Because of the way things are right now with her wanting to end things completely I made a last ditch effort to see if the issue was that; and so I apologized. At first she didn't want to hear about it. She said at this point it didn't matter. Then after I told her things changed slightly. She had told me that she had wanted me to move on and find someone because she doesn't want to feel she is being selfish by asking me to wait. So I asked a question: "If I happened to still be here and you were free would you be happy that I was here?" -- Which she replied: "Yes, I would be happy."

So after that, she said something about that she didn't want to think of me as a friend because we were more than that but that she really enjoyed talking with me and she would like us to be friends. I agreed that I enjoyed talking with her also. So she said "Let's just talk lilke this and be friends and if thier is a chance in the future we will see..."

Basically, I think she is open to reconnecting in the future and realizes we do have a connection but right now is not the right time for her. She does want to do things the right way and doesn't want to do anything while she is married; but she does have feelings for me also. Seems she wants what she wants but can't have it right now. She told me last night that she no one had ever treated her the way I did or made her feel special the way that I did. So that is a very positive thing.

[Zea]

So I talked with her last night because I wanted to apologize to her. In Jan she went on a trip to Vegas and I asked if she had been drinking and she took it as I didn't trust her. After she came back our relationship changed. I did not know for sure if that was it because in a conversation we had she had said she had already forgotten that. Because of the way things are right now with her wanting to end things completely I made a last ditch effort to see if the issue was that; and so I apologized. At first she didnt want to hear about it. She said at this point it didn't matter. Then after I told her things changed slightly. She had told me that she had wanted me to move on and find someone because she doesn't want to feel she is being selfish by asking me to wait. So I asked a question: "If I happened to still be here and you were free would you be happy that I was here?" -- Which she replied: "Yes, I would be happy."

So after that, she said something about that she didn't want to think of me as a friend because we were more than that but that she really enjoyed talking with me and she would like us to be friends. I agreed that I enjoyed talking with her also. So she said "Let's just talk lilke this and be friends and if thier is a chance in the future we will see..."

Basically, I think she is open to reconnecting in the future and realizes we do have a connection but right now is not the right time for her. She does want to do things the right way and doesn't want to do anything while she is married; but she does have feelings for me also. Seems she wants what she wants but can't have it right now. She told me last night that she noone had ever treated her the way I did or made her feel special the way that I did. So that is a very positive thing.

I am glad that you are back, so I could tell you this:

This is not love; it is her being selfish.

“She had told me that she had wanted me to move on and find someone because she doesn't want to feel she is being selfish by asking me to wait.” But she also tells you to wait for her in the future, when she will need you. So are you going to let her decide what is best for you? What about you, are you okay with whatever she tells you?

“Seems she wants what she wants but can't have it right now.” And you will go on with it? You are ready to give her what she wants when she asks for it? I find that ridiculous.

She can’t have everything she wants; she is now with her husband yet she still makes your choices herself. That woman told you to go date any woman, so she won’t feel guilty; she did not say that because she cares about you. If she loves you she would have broken up with you and with no future promises. Is she the only subject you two talk about?

Even if you date other women, you probably won’t forget her easily, unless you completely brake up with her. I suggest that you do. I really don’t see how you can trust her.

[dontknownuthin]

So, in other words, you don't respect her marriage or anything she's said to you in the past about not being able to be with you. She doesn't respect her marriage, and wants it both ways. She wants you there for emotional support and as a back-up if she ends her marriage, or if she doesn't want to end her marriage but wants to two-time her husband. Neither of you care about the impact of your relationship on her husband or kids, or about your self-esteem.

Good luck with all that. Sounds like a train wreck to me. You already had her final answer, so you try another angle to disregard her request to leave her alone - the ever manipulative and dishonest, "I know you asked me not to call but see, it's ok because I'm goingo to apologize - how humble of me!" Ugh. You're made for each other.

[skyecko]

Well her and I both know that we can't do anything more than just talk as friends. She won't cross that boundary because she wants to do the right thing. Were not meeting or kissing or being intimate. Were only talking.