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Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 09:33 AM

I had been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half at this point. I am a Muslim and therefore don't drink; however, my girlfriend did drink at this time. I am a big worrier; however, this did not bother me as she rarely drank and when she did she was responsible with it. Before we both started university she convinced me that she would never get drunk. I thought she would but she said she wouldn't so I trusted her and believed that she wouldn't. However she did.

This came as a big shock to me. Since then she decided she would stop drinking and it wasn't until this that I told her how I felt about it. We talked about it and she was very understanding and reassured me that it wouldn't happen again anyway.

But my problem is that I can't seem to accept the fact that she knew I am a huge worrier but still went ahead with it. I stayed till 4 that night because of a text she sent me earlier in the night saying "I think im drunk haha". So my question really is how do I get over this break in trust as I trusted her completely when she said she wouldn't but then ended up doing so regardless?

All I want is to get past it and not relate anything to do with alcohol to this situation as I can understand how petty and selfish it sounds. Also we are both at different universities.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2013, 10:35 AM

You don't say if she is Muslim or not. Somehow that would be important to me in regards to religious rules.
If she is Muslim, I would ask this under Islam or would ask your imam.
If she isn't, this is not a choice I think strangers need to make for you. It's personal. I assume that she isn't a criminal, cheater, child abuser, doing drugs or having affairs.
It's so common to drink in college. You aren't even together much. She is bound to break a promise like this, and the fact that you are a big 'worrier' is more your problem within yourself than a problem in your relationship.
IF you were living together/married, of course you would sort it all out first. If you were an alcoholic, you would too. But you aren't. You haven't mentioned to us whether you plan to marry her or not. So for not, it's up in the air whether she has leeway to break a promise like this or not. She was honest about telling you when she drank. That's a very good sign of someone you can communicate with about everything in your lives together.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:05 AM

Fair point. She is not a Muslim and I do want to marry her in the future some time but my biggest concern is that how do I know she won't break a promise again?

Wondergirl · Mar 2, 2013, 11:08 AM

Originally Posted by Kesar Zman

my biggest concern is that how do I know she won't break a promise again?

Have you ever broken a promise to her? Will you ever break a promise to her?

odinn7 · Mar 2, 2013, 11:10 AM

It's not like she cheated. She's in college and was having some fun. If this is such a big issue for you now, I can see there are going to be some major problems in your relationship down the road.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2013, 11:11 AM

' how do I know she won't break a promise again?'

You don't. None of us do. I cringe to think of all the promises I may have broken in my 66 years. You gauge the importance of the broken promise and how it happened and how it was presented and so on, and weigh it all in with the love you feel, and you decide if you forgive or not. I would be inclined to say that if you can't forgive this, you may never find a woman who isn't a meek cloistered baby factory, arranged marriage, and living under a veil.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:12 AM

No that I know of and no I would never break one as big as this.

Wondergirl · Mar 2, 2013, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Kesar Zman

No that I know of and no I would never break one as big as this.

If you consider this big, there is no future in this relationship. She is not Muslim, and is not bound by the same rules you are. Please don't build fences around her.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2013, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If you consider this big, there is no future in this relationship.

Sadly, I agree.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

' how do I know she won't break a promise again?'

You don't. None of us do. I cringe to think of all the promises I may have broken in my 66 years. You gauge the importance of the broken promise and how it happened and how it was presented and so on, and weigh it all in with the love you feel, and you decide if you forgive or not. I would be inclined to say that if you can't forgive this, you may never find a woman who isn't a meek cloistered baby factory, arranged marriage, and living under a veil.

That's true. I haven't looked at it like that. Honestly I just want to get past it but I don't know how to.

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If you consider this big, there is no future in this relationship. She is not Muslim, and is not bound by the same rules you are. Please don't build fences around her.

So I should let her do what she wants regardless of how it makes me feel?

Wondergirl · Mar 2, 2013, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by Kesar Zman

So I should let her do what she wants regardless of how it makes me feel?

You want control her?

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You want control her?

No I would never want that. If anything it's quite the opposite. She always asks me what I think when she goes out and I always say the opposite to what I'm thinking, i.e. go, have fun. I do not want to control her I just want a way for myself to deal with her going out as I'll always worry for her safety etc.

Wondergirl · Mar 2, 2013, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by Kesar Zman

No I would never want that. If anything it's quite the opposite. She always asks me what I think when she goes out and I always say the opposite to what I'm thinking, i.e. go, have fun. I do not want to control her I just want a way for myself to deal with her going out as I'll always worry for her safety etc.

Now you are saying you are worried about her safety? Really? I thought you were worried about getting over her promise breaking.

How about this -- don't quiz her on her social activities and don't make her or allow her to make promises about what she will do or not do.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Now you are saying you are worried about her safety? Really? I thought you were worried about getting over her promise breaking.

How about this -- don't quiz her on her social activities and don't make her or allow her to make promises about what she will do or not do.

It's both. I don't actually quiz her on her social life, she tells me as you would in a relationship. But I agree with what you say about the promises. At least it won't affect either of us if I don't let her make them. Thank you for this.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2013, 11:34 AM

She sounds honest. You seem to have trouble with honesty with yourself, telling her to go have fun, when you are concerned for her safety, covering up a concern for what she might do such as get drunk. Yes? No?
Why not tell her all that is going on, and how it's a struggle for you.
While you are in two schools your relationship isn't 'real.' You will need to have some good heart to heart talks if it lasts until graduation. Then you can work on such issues as strict attention to promises, and trust, and what you can compromise on with each other.
Love is all about compromise and forgiveness.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

She sounds honest. You seem to have trouble with honesty with yourself, telling her to go have fun, when you are concerned for her safety, covering up a concern for what she might do such as get drunk. Yes? No?
Why not tell her all that is going on, and how it's a struggle for you.
While you are in two schools your relationship isn't 'real.' You will need to have some good heart to heart talks if it lasts til graduation. Then you can work on such issues as strict attention to promises, and trust, and what you can compromise on with each other.
Love is all about compromise and forgiveness.

You've hit it right on the nail joypulv. It's true I'm not being honest but it is simply because I know that she loves me dearly and would do anything for me. If I told her how I feel she would most likely stop drinking at all and I wouldn't not feel comfortable at all for being the reason for why she stops if she decides to do so.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2013, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by Kesar Zman

You've hit it right on the nail joypulv. It's true I'm not being honest but it is simply because I know that she loves me dearly and would do anything for me. If I told her how I feel she would most likely stop drinking at all and I wouldn't not feel comfortable at all for being the reason for why she stops if she decides to do so.

Sacrifice is wonderful to a point. Honesty is better. In other words, I think she needs to know that it is difficult for you, and you are trying, and do want her to have fun, but are of two minds.
Sacrifice dies when the bloom of fresh romance settles down. Then it wells up into a backlog of resentment every time any teeny tiny thing goes wrong.

Kesar Zman · Mar 2, 2013, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Sacrifice is wonderful to a point. Honesty is better. In other words, I think she needs to know that it is difficult for you, and you are trying, and do want her to have fun, but are of two minds.
Sacrifice dies when the bloom of fresh romance settles down. Then it wells up into a backlog of resentment every time any teeny tiny thing goes wrong.

Thank you for the advice. I will try this. Hopefully it will result in her happiness as that is all I want for her.