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kitty084 · Feb 22, 2013, 06:56 AM

I lied to my boyfriend about something so stupid. He asked me if I was going on my exes fb page and I said no because I didn't want him to be mad and I wanted him to understand why I was. The reason is my ex likes to talk trash and him and my boyfriend are friends on fb and he doesn't know how to stay out. I felt like I was protecting the relationship but I know it shouldn't matter what he had to say and I shouldn't even bother.

I just hate his guts and wanted him to stay out of my relationship so my boyfriend went into my fb and saw that I was going on the page. I should have told him I was but I knew he would get mad and not understand why. Now he said his trust is gone and I'm stupid he told me to leave him alone he needs time.

I know I messed up I just don't want this to be over. We've been together too long and I know I hurt him, everyone screws up once. I love him and I didn't want to keep this from him, I wanted to tell him when I know he would understand. I've lied about nothing else, this is the only thing, I hope I get a secound chance. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want him to be angry I wanted him to understand so I said no.

Cat1864 · Feb 22, 2013, 08:27 AM

Kitty, I am not certain if you have a question or if you are looking for sympathy.

So, I am going to give you this advice: You are better off out of this relationship. If they are friends, then the ex will be involved in the current relationship no matter what you say or do.

What they discuss is up to them and 'eavesdropping', 'snooping', 'protecting your relationship' all end up with you looking childish and immature. If your boyfriend doesn't know you well enough to discount anything negative the ex says, then he isn't worth your time and energy.

You should not have lied. Your attempts to make it seem better by saying he wouldn't have understood, etc. are rationalizations for your bad behavior. If they are in contact, then he probably would have heard from the ex or another mutual friend about what you did.

You say you hate your ex. It is time to let that feeling go. You don't have to like him, but holding on to the negative emotions and thoughts cause you to continue to do things without fully thinking them trough and it will affect you present and future relationships.

Start by deleting him as a friend if you haven't already. Make peace with the past and let it go.

Maybe the current boyfriend will calm down and you can work together to rebuild the relationship. But I think you need some time for yourself before that happens.

joypulv · Feb 22, 2013, 08:34 AM

Excellent advice above.
Just want to say that once you are caught in a lie, people assume that you have been lying about everything, and will continue to do so. It does no good to say it was just that one lie for the simple reason that people think you are lying about that too. To explain (make excuses) for lying makes it much worse.
It's a very long road back to trust. Words don't help. Actions do - BEING trustworthy.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2013, 09:14 AM

You are the one that should be mad at A-a boyfriend that keeps a hated ex of YOURS in his life, and B-A boyfriend that keeps a hated ex in his life, but is mad because you don't like it, and C-putting yourself between them both.

Being honest when they got to be friends on FB, would have canceled the necessity to lie and be made the villain in all this.

What's done is done, so don't make your guilt forget the facts that they both had a part in this drama. Even if your motives were pure(?), their actions were not and was going to be a problem any way, as I see it, as it can never be good for a boyfriend and ex to be friends in the first place. I mean who wouldn't be checking to see what an ex and current mate are saying to each other? And a hated one you didn't want to be involved in your life? They both should have understood that in the first place!

I wouldn't have lied, I would have told the current guy to go to hell a long time ago. You may be heartbroken and guilt ridden NOW, but maybe its worth it, and for the best that you are now out of the situation altogether.

Let them have each other. Smells like a set up, a disaster waiting to happen. It did.

kitty084 · Feb 22, 2013, 09:24 AM

They are not friends as in actual friends... my boyfriend just has my ex on his fb...

My ex keeps writing posts and saying he's sorry and all this I deleted him off my Facebook and haven't even spoke to the guy but he keeps putting his two cents in wherever he can... and yea I went on the page to see if he talking trash... it is childish...

talaniman · Feb 22, 2013, 08:08 PM

Stay off his FB page, it IS childish. Who cares if he talks trash?

NL1752 · Feb 25, 2013, 02:56 AM

I understand where the guy is coming from in a sense where you lied and he doesn't trust you anymore. The problem is, especially when dealing with ex's, a guy will feel right away that if you lie about it you lied about everything else, as said above. You also have a good reason, as said above, to be angry at him. The first thing should have been to completely sever all ties with this ex. Your boyfriend should know this and know that even something as silly as being friends on Facebook can cause complications. I've dealt with that in the past and the first thing I did was delete my girlfriends ex off Facebook, twitter, even myspace (lol).

In retrospect, no, you shouldn't have lied. In retrospect, no, you shouldn't have gone to the page at all. If you truly dislike him as much then you wouldn't care what he thought or said. I do believe you know that now and I guess the only way forward is to prove it had nothing to do with what your boyfriend is now assuming: that you still have feelings.

Also, talaniman, I love those quotes on your signature.