[Mikegomez]

Please somebody help me. Me and my girlfriend been dating for seven years, the last 2 and a half years have been long distance, she first moved to San Diego to do her masters and then to Miami were she is currently a kindergarten teacher. We are from Central America but she was born in the states. Not to make this longer here I go.

I've been noticing how her need to Skype every night has disappeared, when she left to San Diego she was all by herself so we used to Skype for hours every day, now that she is in Miami living with a cousin she doesn't have the need to talk that much, today I finally got it out of her that something wasn't right. She says that I've been pressuring her with the idea of leaving her job and coming back to Nicaragua, (she love her kids) and that lately I've been really insecure, acting like I don't trust her, which is true I've been acting really annoying and insecure but it's due to her sudden change from having the need to see my face every day to being annoyed by me.

Oh well, she tells me that she wants a break, that she doesn't know what to do (career wise) that if she comes here she won't be able to do what she loves. We've talked about marriage many times she's even talked to her parents about us getting married, we even talked about it a couple months ago, she says she loves me that she sees her future with me, but that I'm pushing her over the edge. I'm just going to start to make enough money so I can provide and I was planning until two night ago to propose within the next four month, now I don't know what to do. Please someone advise me, I really need help.

We in the pass discussed the idea of me moving to Miami to do my masters, is this even an option for me or should I just try to be strong and give her time to think? Please help.

[backpack2389]

If she moves back to Nicaragua 'she won't be able to do what she loves.' I would say that she is not planning to come back home any time soon. Hence, if you want to be with her, you will probably have to move to the states. If you want to pursue your masters there and want to be with her, that seems like the best option.

Before you pack your bags, however, you need to discuss this with her. It's very possible that after being in the states for years she has developed a new life and that she feels the two of you have grown apart. You need to find out what's really bothering her - is she torn between her life in the US and you or is she simply wanting to break up and move on? When you suggest coming to the states to pursue your education and be with her, pay attention to her reaction. If she's thrilled, she probably wants to be with you but wasn't sure how to make it work without moving back to Central America. If she seems less than enthusiastic, she is probably not wanting to pursue a life with you.

2 1/2 years is a long time to make a long distance relationship work and a 7 year relationship is hardly a fling. If you want to be together and she can't/won't come to you, then you have to be ready to come to her, but it will only work if she wants that too.

[Mikegomez]

Thanks so much for the answer, I feel devastated. During this 2 and a half years I’ve gone to visit her at least 6 times and she has come here at least another 6 times, and I never noticed her growing apart, but who knows maybe I was too blind to notice.. I don’t understand¡¡¡ literally in December she was telling me that she wanted to get married; it just doesn’t make any sense to me that she needs a break when a month and a half ago she was willing to get married.. I'm sorry that I keep insisting on getting an answer, but this just happened last night and I feel that I'm slowly dying

[dontknownuthin]

I would just ask her, "in a dream situation, what would you like us to do? Do you want to move on and be without me? Do you want me to move to be with you and get married? Do you want to stay a while and then come back?"

She may see her choice as either staying in the US where she has more opportunity and living without you, or going back to a dead end career path and being with you in your home country.

She could be impatient with the arrangement, could want a flesh and blood boyfriend who is in her physical presence instead of many hours away. After 7 years, I suppose she wants things to move along one way or another and I think you both need to put your cards on the table - what each of you want, and what you are willing to do and give up to be together, if anything.

[Mikegomez]

I would just ask her, "in a dream situation, what would you like us to do? Do you want to move on and be without me? Do you want me to move to be with you and get married? Do you want to stay a while and then come back?"

She may see her choice as either staying in the US where she has more opportunity and living without you, or going back to a dead end career path and being with you in your home country.

She could be impatient with the arrangement, could want a flesh and blood boyfriend who is in her physical presence instead of many hours away. After 7 years, I supose she wants things to move along one way or another and I think you both need to put your cards on the table - what each of you want, and what you are willing to do and give up to be together, if anything.

I talked to her yesterday night, I told her that I was ready to commit (her dad with whom I got a great relationship) advised me to talk to her about the plans that I’ve had for both of us, he secretly told me that they; she, her dad and mom) always talk about “our future” and she tells her parents, that yes! We talk about marriage but I never tell her nothing concrete (this happen a month and a half ago), so her dad advised me to talk to her about the plans that I had (that all this could be a girl strategy to pressure me into commitment). So I told her, look, I was planning to propose on March (she is coming for a friend’s wedding) until you started telling me you needed a break, (the “break” is to think about her career “supposedly”, because I kind of pressured her to quit her job and comeback to Nicaragua or we would have to break up). She smiled and told me that my plans should not change, that she will like to set a date on March, I told her that I understood her career was her first priority, and that I wanted for her to stay there as long I she needed to. (Her plan has always been getting enough experience so she can come and open her own school here, and she feels 2 years of teaching is not enough, plus she just got offered and extra job in the administrative department at her school after class, which would be insanely helpful) so I told her I don’t mind for when we set the date, if you need another year of experience I was going to be making and saving all the money that I could to help you accomplished your dream, whenever you’re ready to comeback. I also got out there the idea that if she needed two or more years that I could pursuit my master’s education somewhere in Florida so we could be closer and she said no! “I want us to be there in Nicaragua”.
This is the bad part- She also said that I don’t need to give her a ring right now in march, that it would be OK if we just set the date, (in December a month and a half ago she was almost desperate for a ring but I didn’t have the money) she also told me that she still needs a break (I thought her break was to think of her career which I agreed for her to take all the time she needs)… I don’t know what to think of this. She doesn’t want a ring and she still wants a break.. Does this mean that it would be easier for her to break up if she gets tire of me in the near future or what do you guys think? Am I being paranoid, should I give her space? Sorry for the long story.

[dontknownuthin]

She wants to keep you on hold and to stop you from dating anyone else, so she's open to the engagement. But she doesn't want any evidence like a ring or you visiting because she doesn't want other people to know she's engaged in her life in California. I think there's a good chance she's cheating on you.

It makes absolutely no sense at all to want to get engaged and take a break from the relationship at the same time. This girl is gaming you big time. I'd break up with her. If you want to let her crawl back and explain herself, I'd still not get engaged until and unless she moves back to Nicaragua. Until then, if she's going to do her own thing, you do yours. If you're available and still interested when she's ready to commit, you can reconsider then.

[Mikegomez]

She wants to keep you on hold and to stop you from dating anyone else, so she's open to the engagement. But she doesn't want any evidence like a ring or you visiting because she doesn't want other people to know she's engaged in her life in California. I think there's a good chance she's cheating on you.

It makes absolutely no sense at all to want to get engaged and take a break from the relationship at the same time. This girl is gaming you big time. I'd break up with her. If you want to let her crawl back and explain herself, I'd still not get engaged until and unless she moves back to Nicaragua. Until then, if she's going to do her own thing, you do yours. If you're available and still interested when she's ready to commit, you can reconsider then.

You have no idea how hard this is for me to read.. I'm not stupid, I've been thinking the same thing that she could have someone else, she is currently living in miami and a got plenty of friends there and out of the few times she goes out on weekends to party she always goes with big groups of friends which incluedes some of my friends too. I know this doesn't mean that she is not cheating cause she could be doing it underground or with one of my "friend", what I find strange is that she says that she does not understand my behavior "insecurity" because she´s never giving me a reason to think that way. But f**k, what if, how can I find out? What if I break up and she wasn't cheating and loose her forever??

[dontknownuthin]

Whether she's cheating or not, what sense does it make to take a break and also get engaged at the same time? It's like, "I'll commit to you for the rest of my life as long as, for now, you'd leave me alone". What are you supposed to do, mail her a proposal and then leave her to be engaged by herself?

She's just being really goofy. Sorry - I'm sure it is hard to read. Seeing someone else is just one possibility - could be something else. But I guess what really matters is that she needs to understand that she can't have it both ways. The way she's treating you does not make sense for an engagement.

[Mikegomez]

Whether she's cheating or not, what sense does it make to take a break and also get engaged at the same time? It's like, "I'll commit to you for the rest of my life as long as, for now, you'd leave me alone". What are you suposed to do, mail her a proposal and then leave her to be engaged by herself?

She's just being really goofy. Sorry - I'm sure it is hard to read. Seeing someone else is just one possibility - could be something else. But I guess what really matters is that she needs to understand that she can't have it both ways. The way she's treating you does not make sense for an engagement.

You re probably right, you have no idea how much I apreciate to have someone to talk to that's honest. Tonight I'm going to try to talk to her. I just don't know how to approuch it

[dontknownuthin]

I would just be respectful, non-argumentative and honest. For me it would be something like,

"I love you and would like to be engaged with a clear, set wedding date and a plan of where and how we're going to live and start our lives together. However, your request for a "break" is hurtful and confusing, so I'm not going to ask you to marry me. I don't want to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to make her time with me a very high, if not her highest, priority. You're already in another country so I don't know how much more space you realistically need or why. I can't be engaged to someone with whom I'm "taking a break".

When we're on this break you should understand that I'm taking a break, too. I need to think about whether the way you are treating me with this break business is something I should accept in a relationship. I don't think you're being mean, but your indecision and desire not to talk to or see me is hurtful. It undermines my confidence in our relationship and our future and erodes the trust. It makes me wonder if you're seeing someone else, or just holding off to see if someone better than me might come along.

When you're done with your break, let me know and we can talk about whether we are going to move forward."

I think she needs to know she doesn't hold all the cards. And if you're on a break, you're on a break. You make your decisions for your life on your terms. If you might yet get back with her, you should not have sex with anyone else - it's unfair to them, and will create problems later if you do get back together. But I think it's fair for you to date, or just take the time to think about this relationship and whether it's really what you want.

If she tries to manipulate your feelings or make you feel wrong for what you're saying, just stand firm. It is what it is.

[Mikegomez]

I would just be respectful, non-argumentative and honest. For me it would be something like,

"I love you and would like to be engaged with a clear, set wedding date and a plan of where and how we're going to live and start our lives together. However, your request for a "break" is hurtful and confusing, so I'm not going to ask you to marry me. I don't want to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to make her time with me a very high, if not her highest, priority. You're already in another country so I don't know how much more space you realistically need or why. I can't be engaged to someone with whom I'm "taking a break".

When we're on this break you should understand that I'm taking a break, too. I need to think about whether the way you are treating me with this break business is something I should accept in a relationship. I don't think you're being mean, but your indecision and desire not to talk to or see me is hurtful. It undermines my confidence in our relationship and our future and erodes the trust. It makes me wonder if you're seeing someone else, or just holding off to see if someone better than me might come along.

When you're done with your break, let me know and we can talk about whether we are going to move forward."

I think she needs to know she doesn't hold all the cards. And if you're on a break, you're on a break. You make your decisions for your life on your terms. If you might yet get back with her, you should not have sex with anyone else - it's unfair to them, and will create problems later if you do get back together. But I think it's fair for you to date, or just take the time to think about this relationship and whether it's really what you want.

If she tries to manipulate your feelings or make you feel wrong for what you're saying, just stand firm. It is what it is.

Man you are really really helpful, I really thank you for what you are doing. Your words are genius and that’s exactly what I’m going to say to her.
I just might not do it today because I woke up with the great surprise of a text from her, wishing me a happy v-day and telling me that she loves me, she even sent me some pics of a cake she baked for her students, so this two days that I’ve giving her some space might be paying off.. (Well that’s what I hope)
So I think I’m going to give her two more days to see if she keeps taking the initiative of talking to me instead of the other way around (after all she felt “suffocated” of me texting her constantly) so backing off might be working. If she doesn’t take the initiative I’m going with what you told me…
Man you’ve been the best, I appreciated.

[dontknownuthin]

No problem. And yeah, I would say Valentine's Day is not the day to do it. Might even wait until next week so it's not associated with the holiday.

[Mikegomez]

No problem. And yeah, I would say Valentine's Day is not the day to do it. Might even wait until next week so it's not associated with the holiday.

Awesome, I apreciate it.. ill keep in touch, to let know how it goes

Ps: I had forgotten that a cweek ago I sent her some flowers, and she got them today, she seems really happy, even sent me pectures of her with the roses, so I hope that's a good sign too.. peace

[talaniman]

I would simply ask her if moving to where she is and getting reconnected is a good idea and go from there as I suspect she likes where she is at and likes what she is doing and wants to keep it that way.

After 2 and half years of distance, she has built a life that she enjoys whether you like it or not so use your time to decide what you are willing to do to be with her. If you were not so insecure the path to her heart would have been obvious and been done already and she would have no need for a break to be honest with you. I don't think she is playing with your heart or manipulating you, I think she is waiting for you to catch up with reality in a mature decisive way.

Your own fear is what you must overcome and take a risk on by showing some courage.

[Mikegomez]

I want to know what happens, please keep us up to date..

I came to this site a little while ago because I was with a girl for over 3 years and out of nowhere she moved out and left me. I found out later she was seeing another guy. I just didn't expect it at all, I'm so naive and stupid.

When she left she told me she just needed space to figure things out and stuff. She still wanted to see me and everything. Once I found out about the other guy I stopped talking to her. A little while after she came by my place to drop off some things and she started crying and hugging me. She told me she missed things and wanted to hang out next week and stuff.

So basically she just wants to keep me around in case this new boyfriend doesn't work. I told her not to see me anymore or talk to me. I told her I hope she finds what makes her happy. I haven't talked to her since.

So I know the pain and agony that you're going through. I hope you figure out what's going on with her because that just makes no sense. If she is seeing someone else it would sure be nice if she could be honest with you and just tell you. I had to find out the hard way.

I wish you the best.

Thanks bro, I imagine you when through hell with this chick... well is been a couple of days since I last wrote on this blog. I don’t know if you read all my posts, I’m going to think you did and know the whole story. Valentine’s day she acted extremely normal told me she loved me a couple of times and even sent me pictures that day of a cake she baked for her students, after school when she got home she found some flowers I sent and told me she loved them sent me pictures too. I though everything was getting better. The next day the 15th she also acted kind of normal, wrote to me first, (I’ve been avoiding writing to her because of the space she demanded). But then Saturday boom! No messages at all, she’s got some family visiting her in Miami so that might be a good excuse. Sunday morning I could not handle it and wrote to her first, just wishing her a great weekend and that I love her, she answered me and tells she’s been busy taking her aunt and uncle to every mall in Miami, after that nothing more (she kind of ignore telling me love u 2). Monday morning same, no messages from her, every Monday I drive 2 ½ hours to work so I wrote to her, "I just wanted to tell you that I’m here at work doing fine", she answered a little better and told me she loves me, after that we had a normal conversation without mentioning the relationship. After that, we did not talk again that day, today I haven’t heard from her either, but I do not want to start a conversation so I’m giving her time. So I’m pretty much on the waiting room. What you think about this? She’s never been the type of chick that likes to party or flirt with guys; she is extremely into children’s education, but I’m not stupid something could be going on.

[JudyKayTee]

This isn't a blog - it's a Q and A site.

When you talk to her, is it respectful? All of the "chick" language would offend me.

I think she is being kind - rather than ignoring you she is giving you brief, non-argumentative answers, staying in touch, not encouraging you.

[Mikegomez]

I would simply ask her if moving to where she is and getting reconnected is a good idea and go from there as I suspect she likes where she is at and likes what she is doing and wants to keep it that way.

After 2 and half years of distance, she has built a life that she enjoys whether you like it or not so use your time to decide what you are willing to do to be with her. If you were not so insecure the path to her heart would have been obvious and been done already and she would have no need for a break to be honest with you. I don't think she is playing with your heart or manipulating you, I think she is waiting for you to catch up with reality in a mature decisive way.

Your own fear is what you must overcome and take a risk on by showing some courage.

I talked to both her parents they know me since I was 15 years old I’m currently 26 and her daughter is 24. She and I used to be best friends before starting the relationship. Both their parents cannot comprehend what’s happening to her daughter because they were almost 100 percent certain we were getting married (she told them that a few months ago). So they both tell me that she could be using reverse psychology to pressure me into commitment, we've been talking about marriage for quite some time (she’s kind of been pressuring me) but her parents told me that the last few months she’s been frustrated because I only talk and talk but never proposed (we were talking about marriage in early January).
Last Monday she got offer extra job in the administrative part of her school (her dream is to open up a school back here in our country) and she had to decide last Friday (only a week) if she wanted to take it or leave it, all this mess started that same Monday night.
So her parents tells me she might be suffering a panic attack because she obviously wants to stay in Miami because she is not remotely ready to open her own school here (which is true) and that me pressuring her to come back here without a ring or engagement, plus her mom telling her that she’s not ready to come back, plus the new job offer that is what she needs to learn how to administrate a school, most be driving her insane, and I’m the easiest target for her to release her anger and stress..
What worries me the most is that her dad and some friends advice me to tell her about my plans to propose in March to let her know that my plans have always being marring her, she’s coming here in 3 weeks for a friend’s wedding. So I talked to her over Skype and told her that I “HAD” great plans for us in March that I was going to propose but that all that changed with her asking me for space, she told me “those plans don’t have to change, let’s set a date for the wedding” in march. But after that she still tells me to back off for a while and that a ring wasn’t necessary yet (a month ago she was sending me pictures and pictures of engagement ring to see if I had a good taste).
So what happens? She may be panicking or she may just got tired of me.. What do you think? She still tells me she loves me and that she sees her future with me..

[talaniman]

Don't panic because she is, just wait and see what happens as the dust has yet to settle. Are you prepared to move and look for work or school to where she is?

[Mikegomez]

I'm sorry that I called it a blog, I'm new at this kind of stff.. I'm always respectfull. I don't tell her chick, call her love, lovely, lover baby..!. but whe you mean she's being kind, does that means she wants to break up but doesn't know how to "not break my heart?'" you are the only lady that has posted here, and I apretiate having some girl perspective. Do you see it normal that a month and a half ago she wanted to get marry like crazy and now she wants a break?

[Mikegomez]

Don't panic because she is, just wait and see what happens as the dust has yet to settle. Are you prepared to move and look for work or school to where she is?

Yes I am ready to move to the end of the world for her, I'm so ready to do anything for her, that once, 3 or 4 years ago I almost drown at the beach saving her, I barely made it alive (we both had nighmares for a year and a half), and while I was drowning all I could think was that I didn't care dying as long as she lived, that's how ready I am.. . I just hope that what's really bothering her is pressure from her bosses her parents and me (me, being the easiest target to get mad at), and not that she found someone else

This isn't a blog - it's a Q and A site.

When you talk to her, is it respectful? All of the "chick" language would offend me.

I think she is being kind - rather than ignoring you she is giving you brief, non-argumentative answers, staying in touch, not encouraging you.

I'm sorry that I called it a blog, I'm new at this kind of stff.. I'm always respectfull. I don't tell her chick, call her love, lovely, lover baby..!. but whe you mean she's being kind, does that means she wants to break up but doesn't know how to "not break my heart?'" you are the only lady that has posted here, and I apretiate having some girl perspective. Do you see it normal that a month and a half ago she wanted to get marry like crazy and now she wants a break?

My dog is my best friend and if you could see the relationship I have with him, you would be amazed. To bad my girlfriend doesn't think that way, she barely likes dogs and dislike how much I love my canine buddy