[longdog]

Two weeks ago I told my wife of eight years that I haven’t been happy in our marriage for years and that I no longer loved her. I was truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. But let me start from the beginning.

When my wife and I started dating things were OK but I really wasn’t happy and I didn’t feel like I loved her. During this time she gave her virginity to me. She was a true thirty year old virgin. After this I just could not leave. She gave me something that was so special to her I just didn’t have the heart to leave. Two years later she said “we should get married or we would have to end our relationship”. At that time I was 28 and really didn’t know were I wonted to be, so we got married. After we got married she stopped working and staid home most of the day in till I cam home then she was ready to go out. She had worked part time jobs off and on but nothing for very long. She became very controlling when ever I wonted to go out with friends she would get mad and tell me that I should won’t to be with her. So I stopped seeing my friends. When ever I would try going out it was the same thing I should be with her.

About tow years ago we talked about having a baby. I wasn’t shore if I wonted to but somewhere in side I thought it might make things better. (Dumb me) Of curse it didn’t it just made thing worse. We fought over how I put the diaper on how I was feeding him and so on. After the first year it slowed down but I still felt no better I love my son but feel nothing for my wife.

I never wonted to hurt her and I haven’t truly said any of this to her. Right now she just thinks that I’m having depression problems and I will come around again. What am I to do? I have no problem paying child support but we’re going to have to sell the house if I leave and she’ll have to move in with her mother her only friend she has.

[louie1]

I am on this road and take it from me it is an emotional roller coaster, be sure of what you want before you jump , if you decide to jump get a damn good lawyer as if your wife is the one holding the baby it is very unlikely that she will not be forced to sell the house and you could end up paying for her and your child until the child reaches 18.I do not know the laws over there but here in the uk it can be pretty standard , the family home is upkept until the last child reaches 18 and the abandoned spouse can claim spousal maintenance until they move on with their own life. Be Sure that it is not just the strain of having a new child in the home and under go some kind of mediation/counselling before drawing your conclusion be 100% sure before you walk.

[Qwazi]

You made your bed now sleep in it.

Why do so many people pull this selfish cop-out?

You loved her when you married her. That is soppossed to be forever.

If you didn't have a kid, I'd say be a spineless weasel and leave. Since you have a kid, suck it up and make the best of it.

Remember this: The grass is ALWAYS greener... until you get over the fence.

Everyone has problems. EVERYONE! We all argue, don't get along, disagree on how to do things etc. etc. A responsible adult realizes this and knows that it comes with the territory.

Have you ever seen anyone who is truly happier alone after a failed relationship? NO! They regret it. They are bitter. Their life sucks because the X is sucking the life out of me through their wallet.

Try counseling. It works for some. It didn't work for me. The only thing that did was time, patience, understanding, compassion, and seeing my spouse with a more forgiving eye. I realized that I was being way too critical of her and she of me. Tolerance is as important as trust and giving the other person their own space, friends, and hobbies without resentment or intrusion.

Go tell her you love her and you will do whatever it takes so that you can be a WHOLE family for your son's sake.

[lacuran8626]

I don't know if this will help, but that's my intention so I'll give it a whirl. My husband left me. I was devastated at the time, and furious that after we went through a great deal to have a child, he walked out on his son and I. He remained an involved father. We still are contending over some issues but generally treat one another with respect.

That said, I'm glad he left. It's lonely being divorced, but not as lonely as being in a marriage with someone who didn't love me. I think that you should not have married to start with, and you have been covering previous mistakes with new mistakes ever since you and your wife first became intimate. It's not a crime not to love someone but to know it's a sham and perpetuate it, well - you can't do that any more.

You will feel bad, and not to be mean, but you should. Clearly she meant business in remaining a virgin until she found the man she would marry, and she likely feels marriage is for life. But she deserves to be with the person who will love her and appreciate and value being married to her, which clearly isn't you.

Divorce her but be clear and do not play games. Be generous in negotiating and consider her feelings. You need to suck it up if she reads you the riot act - she needs to be heard. She will not likely understand your side of the story.

While I'd like to think the advise from Qwazi could work, you never emotionally were married to start with - to go tell her you love her when you've always known you simply don't is, in my mind, cruel and humiliating.

Move forward and learn something.

[vlee]

I agree that counseling is a good idea, for a few reasons.

1 - It may make you change your mind and build a true marriage

2 - It will give your wife some sort of "notice" if you will, that the marriage is in trouble. She gets to at least realize the possibility of divorce ahead of time.

That said, if one person is unhappy, the marriage is unhappy. If you honestly can't feel love for her after talking it out in counseling, it is probably best for both of you to move on.