[hopefulthinker]

Hey everyone, so I've spent the past few days reading over all of the great advice, especially the novel by ISneezeFunny. I apologize as this is probably going to be a little long, but this venting helps, and gets a better backstory. My girlfriend and I finally broke it off after 3 years of a great relationship about 4 months ago, and we are both in our early 20s and I ED up. She was the first person I met at my university, lived down the hall in my suite, and became BEST friends immediately. We hooked up a few times after a few months of knowing each other for a few weeks, but no more than that. We wanted to just be friends. She ended up dating a d-bag for a while, and we still were best friends throughout the entire time, but it wasn't until the late spring of our sophomore year that I expressed my feelings.

We were unseperable all the time time, could talk about anything for hours, the only person that really understood me as she was a similar person and was the only one I could trust opening up to fully emotionally. We never really liked going out, but just liked to relax and just enjoy each others company. I explained my feelings that I didn't want to date just anyone, but someone that I truly cared for. You should be best friends with the person that your in a relationship, and that was how I felt. She is beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, and a general awesome girl. She was very reluctant for many weeks, as she was afraid to because she didn't want something to go wrong and ruin our friendship as well. Throughout always being friends, everyone always told us that we were perfect together and no matter what would get married at some point, and still do hear that. In the end, I kind of pressured her into it, but it happened and turned out to be the right choice.

Now when most people break up, everyone tells them that they deserve better, and that they must remove all contact because it was primarily the others fault. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I was an amazing boyfriend in terms of giving her my all. I took her out to dinner on the regular, would surprise her with flowers, hang out all the time. All of her friends were jealous because I was a gentleman and I believe that a woman that you care about should be treated right. But I had some large faults. I have had some traumatic events in my past that I try to hide, so I have always had a barrier of somewhat to protect myself from getting hurt, she understood my reasoning but didn't like it. I would lie about stupid things, like I was studying when she wasn't there and she'd call and I'd happen to be at a coffee shop just picking up coffee to come back, but hated having to explain that I was just out for a minute. Things like that. My parents are also super protective and always find faults with anyone I know, and I sometime wouldn't stick up for my ex when this would happen.

My ex was an amazing woman as well, was sweet, but she was always thinking about the future which scared the s#it out of me. From time to time discuss how many kids, where to live, and keep in mind I was at the point of applying to grad school and she graduating so I was afraid of the long distance possibility. As a result, I broke up with her two times throughout our time, both only lasting about a week, both initiated by myself as I was more thinking that by doing this, I would be saving us a lot of heartache later down the road, I was thinking for the both of us. But would end up realizing that I was losing someone I cared about so much that I couldn't deal with it.

Now 4 months ago, I am in my last few weeks before grad school applications are due, she is graduating in one semester early, I had 2. I explained that I couldn't handle it and didn't want to cause any more pain. She told me that this was literally the last time and that we would never get back together EVER again. I agree, as I thought this was what I wanted. I wanted to take my last year of school to focus on my studies and start my career, and not have to gear my future career location to where she ended up as well. A month into it, we mutually decide that we still missed each other dearly and both didn't want anything, so we would be friends like we used to, as at this point, we had both lost basically our mental rock of someone we could talk to about anything. We began hanging out on the regular, probably once or twice a week just to catch up. But every time I would go to her place, sorority, all the sisters would say that they know we are eventually going to get married. We just fit into that comfortable feeling with each other and everyone can see it. Time goes by, and my mind begins to churn as to how I really screwed up and was a to her in so many ways, but knew she would never accept me back. So I just kept at this friendship, trying to be all that I could be, and show her that I have become a better person on my own. I'd help her out when she was in need, go see a movie, go to dinner, go downtown shopping. Things we did when we were dating. We just weren't together in a physical sense or an all the time sense. But there is always that chemistry between us, she just is afraid to trust me again and have that cycle happen.

Present time: On Monday she called me frantic about how her family and her were not on good terms, and asked if she could stay at my place until after thanksgiving, as she knew I was going home. I of course said yes, it didn't matter, just wanted her to feel safe and comfortable. I called and checked on her on a few occasions to see how things were. Now for the past week, I had been coming up with an approach to speak to her about rekindling as I thought that it was an appropriate time. I decided that I would leave thanksgiving with my parents early and come back to my house where she would be, so we could have some alone time to talk. As I'm on my way, she ends up deciding to go back to her home for dinner, and because I had been so set on talking to her about this, I asked if I could stop by to break up my 8 hour drive, and as well wish her cousin a happy birthday and see her brother, we became good friends, whom I hadn't seen in about 5 months.

I get there and we all hang out for a bit and then she walks me to my car and I ask her to sit down as I wanted to talk, and at this moment she realized the real reason for me coming. I went through my whole spiel that I had worked up for weeks about how I royally ed up, and don't deserve to even be friend with her, but that I am god damn in love with her and don't want a new chance, but a fresh start as more than dating, but a mature and serious committed relationship (not engaged). Just meaning I don't want a college relationship, I am ready to look towards the future. I explained my issues which I had never really explained to her how I was afraid of moving and distance and kids and just fearful and made up these issues to allow me to justify breaking up with her, but I've realized that what I wanted was her.

[hopefulthinker]

She basically told me no. We talked for a very long time in her room, about that how she has been so happy these past times trying to find herself and she’s getting to be who she wants to be. She does love me more than anything, but is afraid that we are too comfortable and maybe it isn’t love that we had but the comfort. She wants to explore other options for the time being. Not in a sense of hopping from guy to guy and getting anger out, but understand everything in a better sense. As she was in relationships constantly throughout her college time. I being curious and NEEDING to know, ask about her seeing other people, and she mentioned how she said how she had been seeing a guy, she doesn't want a relationship for a long time, but had been talking to someone for about a month and a half. Her smile perked up and she seemed super happy that this guy was good to her. I was happy for her. But said that he was leaving the country in a month for 6 months, but he had a ton of talents, played in a band.

Now at this point, I was in a decline. Although we aren't dating, but we both have so much emotion and feeling for each other, it literally tore me apart to begin to even imagine her with another guy. I know its her life and she can do what she wants, I don't want to control it for her. It scares me though, and it is literally driving me insane that the woman I am still in love with is being physically intimate with someone else. I am sure you all understand, I just have extreme attachment and still feel the need to protect her from everything as I care for her so much.

After that whole conversation, I brought up the fact that I still am not satisfied and am glad that she is finding herself, but want to express my feelings once again. She said that she has been so happy maturing the past months, and wants me to do the same, go and do something positive for me so that I can grow more into my person. I asked if there was any thoughts of in the future, and she said of course, but she needs at least 4 months for both of us to grow. She said that because I had broken up with her those 3 times, she doesn't think she could ever trust me again. And that although that would be a huge factor, she wants to live for that time to see if she is willing to settle with that lack of trust and hopefully allow that to be rebuilt in the future. She always wants to rethink whether what we really had was love or just the comfort of each other being there.

In the end, we are still BEST friends and plan on being that. No one I know and am good friends with are worthy of understanding me, as they just aren't respectable enough. Not that they're not great friends, but they have different life goals and standards. My ex and I both want to be successful, go to school, and provide a safe and healthy life to our families in the future. On top of that, other people just don't understand me and get along like anyone could ever ask for. At this point, I have the emotional connection still of being able to talk to her about anything and everything whenever, but I'm still lacking the physical portion. I'm not in it for the sexual portion. I want that physical passion and spark of being able to hold and comfort one another, and just be there and wake up to her face in the morning. If we were to have no sexual interaction for months to allow her to rebuild the trust, I would have absolutely no problem with that.

The problem is that thought of her with anyone, ANYONE, is going to ruin me. And I mentioned to her that I don't want her to come back to me in 5 months after she's been with 2 dozen guys. I also, although I was not the best to her in terms of ending things, I know that I am at the stage in my life that I can provide her with such a greater life and appreciation and care than anyone else could, as I know her like no one else and honestly care for her well-being, rather than just a bootycall.

What do I do from here. There is no option of no contact as we are best friends and I love her for that. I don't want to move on, while still being friends with her, because what if in 4 months she does change her mind like she said, as when I talked to her at her house she did say that she expects us to get married. But what if in the next 6 months up until graduation I play it cool and just be that friend for her and I end up going elsewhere for work, or she doesn't think she's ready. Do I ask at that point with a bit of time prior to school ending to see where she is, and possibly rekindle things before it all ends and we can weigh our options of locale? I'm just at a total loss because we both know that we are meant for each other, there is nothing we ever disagree on, and we both care about each other more than regular friends ever should. And I don't want to have my hopes up for the next semester to just be dropped like a rock and feel terrible.

Help? I'd love to keep this conversation going and possibly post updates in regards to the progression as well.

[Wondergirl]

You really seem to be on your way to out-write Sneezy! (I had told him he needs to publish that thread.)

It sounds like there is nothing anyone can do or even advise you about. She holds all the cards.

[hopefulthinker]

I don't know if I can outwrite Sneezy, his story progression got better and better. But I agree that it was a great read and beneficial. I mean my real question is where do I go from here. I am aware that she holds the cards, but I need a direction to go in that involves being her best friend, but removes all the negativity of thoughts and hopefully work out for the best in the long run.

[Wondergirl]

I need a direction to go in that involves being her best friend, but removes all the negativity of thoughts and hopefully work out for the best in the long run.

I'm guessing such a thing is not possible, to be her friend and not feel negative and regretful about the past. So then what? Sneezy is in med school and I can PM him on FB, if necessary. :)

[hopefulthinker]

I'm guessing such a thing is not possible, to be her friend and not feel negative and regretful about the past. So then what? Sneezy is in med school and I can PM him on FB, if necessary. :)

Which is my main issue. I enjoy her company, the guilt about the past will pass over time, but the knowledge and her talking about other people will always bother me.

Believe it or not, she contacted me to hang out today with her brother, as they had come up to the area for the day. We hung out for 4-5 hours, went to lunch, and everything was honestly a great time. There's no inkling of any issues between us, I don't even think her brother knows about our conversation two nights prior. We talked as we always do, with her brother walking ahead or behind and we had our own fun little conversations. It still sucks though as I just want to grab her and just give her a hug.

I live in a rough neighborhood and was actually robbed at knife point last week, so I've been planning on moving out and finding a new place starting jan. 1. My ex had just signed a new lease today, so we went in for her to show it too me. Two bedrooms and everything else and I inquired about her getting a roommate, and she said that she didn't want to deal with some one else in the house. Then went on to say that I should move into the other room and we could split rent, how it would be super cheap for both of us. I flat out told her that it would not be a good idea, and she insisted more and said no. I expect her to bring it back up again, as I for my sake would totally enjoy living there, even in a separate room as we could be great friends. I know I shouldn't and won't though. But I still want her to bring it up as I can say maybe, but then lay out the issue I would have is of her bringing other guys back as that will not make me a happy camper... I want to know what she'd say.

While we were out, a few people were super checking me out and even her brother noticed it, but she kept pointing it out. Then we were in a shop and she was insisting I ask her out because she was pretty and was checking me out and saying it loud enough that the woman could hear. I appreciate that she is trying to be nice, but outside I flat out stared her down and said that I do not want to date anyone else, and made it extremely clear. Trying to hint at the fact that I am waiting for her, without bringing up our whole conversation at her house.

It's disconcerting to have her trying to get me to go out with other women, when she clearly knows my feelings for her and all.

[talaniman]

Dude, leave her alone until you get your head out of the clouds. This notion of keeping her in your life as a friend until she returns to you the same feelings you have for her is a lousy on.

One year NO CONTACT. Pursue your own life, let her pursue hers... without you. That's your only chance to make reasonable and rational decisions based on facts, and not just feelings.

You keep denying the FACT her feelings have changed concerning you and your hope is FALSE that she will change them back.

Nice journal though, reread it in a month. What would you tell a guy who was dumped and demoted to friend?

[hopefulthinker]

Dude, leave her alone until you get your head out of the clouds. This notion of keeping her in your life as a friend until she returns to you the same feelings you have for her is a lousy on.

One year NO CONTACT. Pursue your own life, let her pursue hers...........................without you. Thats your only chance to make reasonable and rational decisions based on facts, and not just feelings.

You keep denying the FACT her feelings have changed concerning you and your hope is FALSE that she will change them back.

Nice journal though, reread it in a month. What would you tell a guy who was dumped and demoted to friend?

Thanks for your input talaniman. I understand where you are coming from with the no contact, but the mention of telling another guy who was dumped to a friend is far from what we are. We were friend LONG before our relationship, and shared an emotional deep friend relationship for quite a time before as well. Which is still true today as we share that emotional connection that neither her/nor I would express to even our closest friends. It's not just some dude who began dating this chick and they broke up and she wants to still be just friends.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks for your input talaniman. I understand where you are coming from with the no contact, but the mention of telling another guy who was dumped to a friend is far from what we are. We were friend LONG before our relationship, and shared an emotional deep friend relationship for quite a time before as well. Which is still true today as we share that emotional connection that neither her/nor I would express to even our closest friends. It's not just some dude who began dating this chick and they broke up and she wants to still be just friends.

You're rationalizing. And all the time she is being "just friends," you will be panting for the moment she will collapse in your arms again and declare herself all yours.

You cannot be friends with her -- not with your current need to reconnect with her as a couple.

[talaniman]

Well what is it when she wants to explore and experiment and you don't want her too? A friend would have no misery of what ever she tries to do and you really do need some time apart to adjust to the new boundaries of friendship so it doesn't hurt you. She is ready, you are not, so that is unhealthy for one or both of you.

Trying to hint at the fact that I am waiting for her, without bringing up our whole conversation at her house.

It's disconcerting to have her trying to get me to go out with other women, when she clearly knows my feelings for her and all.

Let go. Or take the hint because its clear she doesn't want you to wait, friends or not. The nature of the friendship has CHANGED.

[hopefulthinker]

You're rationalizing. And all the time she is being "just friends," you will be panting for the moment she will collapse in your arms again and declare herself all yours.

You cannot be friends with her -- not with your current need to reconnect with her as a couple.

Yes I have to agree that I'm rationalizing the event. I do feel at this moment that I just will be around for the 4 months and approach her about it again as a final opportunity. But I would like to point out that I know she is not "playing" me as some might tend to think, she is an honest person and truly is exploring herself.

I wish I could not be friends with her but my friends are and I really am only friends with them for the convenience. If I called my best friends and asked for some help, they would be lazy and wouldn't care. If called up my ex for something, she'd drive 2 hours to be there. That's the difference.

[talaniman]

You aren't the first guy who tries to stay close, and maybe its time to build a life that you enjoy without friends for convenience... Get some real friends besides her.

[Wondergirl]

You remind me of my friend Jerry. He realized he was wrong to break up with Mary, but still wanted to be friends with her with the hope they would get back together as a couple (but she had already moved on emotionally). He would call her at work (before Caller ID), and as soon as she heard his voice, she would hang up. He told me, "She must still love me because she answered the phone and said hello." How the mind rationalizes!

[hopefulthinker]

You remind me of my friend Jerry. He realized he was wrong to break up with Mary, but still wanted to be friends with her with the hope they would get back together as a couple (but she had already moved on emotionally). He would call her at work (before Caller ID), and as soon as she heard his voice, she would hang up. He told me, "She must still love me because she answered the phone and said hello." How the mind rationalizes!

I guess so, but she contacts me on the reg to hang out.

[Wondergirl]

I guess so, but she contacts me on the reg to hang out.

And why do you agree to hang out?

[talaniman]

This isn't a healthy friendship, as there seems to be a dependency here.

[hopefulthinker]

And why do you agree to hang out?

Because I greatly enjoy the company. Although there is no physical contact, it is great to be able to go out an hang out with someone that shares simlarities. I'm a heavily fashion oriented male (not gay) and she is on of the most fashionable in the city, si it goes great. And we both are street oriented photographers. It all goes hand in hand.

[Wondergirl]

And you are hoping like heck to win her back.