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77rommis · Mar 9, 2007, 03:45 PM

Hello again. Sorry it took me a few days to respond. It was nice to read that things seemed to go well. Explain more about the video game thing. If you want me to read it like today, leave it on my page. Thank you

I messed up · Mar 9, 2007, 04:00 PM

I think I'll post it here, so everone can read it. Basically, I didn't hang out with my friends a lot when I was younger. Instead, I played video games a lot. Eventually, I moved to online games. (For those of you who don't know, online games are games, where you can play a game with people from all over the world [while sitting in your room].) So I felt the need to play as much as possible to keep up with the other people online. Sometimes this meant that she would come to my house and I would make her wait a little saying "Oh, can I just finish this real quick". Or another example is I would play deep into the hours of the night, making me wake up late, and more often than not I was late for everything (going on a date or even going to work). Another example is I would play video games while on the phone (when she called) making me very boring and absent minded. :( Another thing that really pissed her off (and I don't blame her) is that I told her how we were going to go out and do stuff during my winter break... I played video games the whole time and didn't really hang out with her (or anyone) much :(

I feel like such an a**hole. Looking back now, I can't believe I valued an imaginary thing over my real life friends. When she started ignoring me is when I really opened my eyes. I kick myself everyday for the way I treated her. I just wish that I could somehow get her to forgive me and hopefully make her happy again.

by the way, I haven't played video games since she ignored me. I actually gave away my playstation 2 because I didn't want it anymore.

77rommis · Mar 9, 2007, 10:24 PM

Wow. Good for you. That is a great start. Does she know that?

I messed up · Mar 10, 2007, 12:30 PM

I told her I stopped playing since she ignored me and how I realized it was messing up my life. I didn't tell her about giving away the system

baby_doll_hotty36 · Mar 10, 2007, 04:59 PM

Yeah I think you do have a good chance with her, just give her some time and space and she will come around especially if she said she will call you when she is ready so don't blow it and give her time and space

I messed up · Mar 10, 2007, 08:44 PM

People keep saying "to give her space and she will call me when she is ready" I already gave her space and she did call me. I update the situation between me and her everyday. She last told me that she wants me to be the one to call her and ask her to hang out. She is not asking for space anymore. I'm just trying to figure out what my next move should be and taking it day by day.

I've been thinking more about why she tells me about her boyfriend. I talked with one of my friends and she told me that she could just be rubbing it in my face that she's happy without me. That is something you would do if you didn't like someone right? I doubt that she could be so messed up, that she would just pretend trying to be my friend just to make my life miserable. I feel that she really wants to be my friend, or else she would have left me out of her life and never called me. So maybe she IS just trying to get me to feel something.

baby_doll_hotty36 · Mar 11, 2007, 02:06 AM

Well maybe she is trying to rub it in your face. She could be trying to see what your reaction is. Well if your worring about it then maybe your still in love with her

I messed up · Mar 11, 2007, 09:52 AM

I am still in love with her, that's why I made this post. I want to be with her again, but should I act jealous or pretend like I don't care?

Today was a very weird day (Sunday). I was at work and I bought something and my ex and my friend were there ringing me up. I stood there for a minute cause we talked, but then no one said anything so after the silence, I walked way. Later my friend tells me my ex said "what was the purpose of him standing there? I can't stand him!" then she said "he calls me almost every day and i've told him i don't want to talk to him that much"

The last time I called her was Thursday night, where I told her I would call her on the weekend and she was fine with it. I waited until tonight (Sunday) to call her, so I wouldn't sound too anxious or interested. Although hearing what my friend said, I wasn't sure if I should call her or not. I didn't want to be a liar, so I called her.

I said hi, how was work, etc. Then whatcha doing? She said watching TV. I said "oh, do you need me to let you go?", she said no. I asked her about making plans on Tuesday or Wednesday. She said she had plans on Tuesday and she didn't have much money. I offered to go to a restaurant and use a gift certificate I had (we had planned to use this months ago, but never got around to it). She agreed to that. I told her I would be free the whole day. I asked her about a time and she said "I don't know". Then there was a long silence. I said "Well I guess I'll let you go back to watching TV." Then she said "Wait, what's going on on Wednesday?" I said we would go out to eat. And she said that's it? I tried to offer a few other things to do, but she said she wouldn't have enough money for them. I said well if you had anything you wanted to do, let me know. She then told me she was tired. I said "Oh do you want me to just call you Wednesday, so you could go to sleep?" Then she said "I'm not going to sleep now" Then she told me about how she was up until 3am the night before going to dinner and a movie. She didn't tell me who she went with though (I can only imagine) Then she told me she was going to go now. So I said OK ill call you on wed.

The whole conversation she sounded disinterested (or maybe she was watching the TV, but I asked her what she was watching and what it was about, but she said she didn't know). I was so confused, if she doesn't like talking to me, why would she stay on the phone after I tried to end the conversation 3 times? So I sent her a text message saying "it sounded like you didnt want to talk to me" but it has been 2 hours so far and she didn't reply or call me. I have no idea what is going on in her head at this point...

talaniman · Mar 11, 2007, 09:20 PM

Just curiuos , have you given her the idea that she has to contribute money to the date, if not what is the reference to not having money about?

I messed up · Mar 11, 2007, 10:44 PM

Whatever we could do seems that it would cost money. (Such as going out to eat, rock climbing, the movies, going to the mall, etc) That's the way its always been. I would ask her to come over and watch a movie or w/e, but she made it clear when she stopped ignoring me that she would not come to my house (for obvious reasons). The only thing that would not cost money is going to the gym (since we already paid to be members). I guess I could suggest going to the gym then to dinner.

If you have any suggestions for what we could do without spending money, feel free to add. I would pay for everything, but that would be overstepping my boundaries as a friend right?

I messed up · Mar 12, 2007, 10:42 PM

Anyone have suggestions for what we could do to hang out without spending money? It's one day away and I need ideas.

So far besides going to dinner, I was thinking about asking her to go to the gym or just driving around and chilling out. I'm favoring the driving idea, but I'm open to suggestions :)

JoeCanada76 · Mar 12, 2007, 11:13 PM

This is really messed up. Really and truly messed up. I know you say you have feelings for this girl, but honestly this girl has sounded like nothing but trouble. How do I put it too you. She gets mad at you for no reason. You react. You get up tight all the time, you are worried about how she is going to react to the things that are not under your control like waiting for 20 dollars. She is giving you conditions on friendship. You have to be this way, you have to change , you have to stop doing this or there is no friendship. I know this might be hard to accept but she will never ever be a true friend to you. She has never acted like one before, she is not acting like one now, and believe me by what you have written she will never be one. A TRUE FRIEND, excepts you for who you are. Excepts you for who you are. Never tries to force change or tells you have to change or they won't be your friend this is emotional blackmail and emotional abusive.

Honestly, when you ended it the first time and it should have been over then you should have never went back to this girl. You would not be having the headaches you are with her now.

About the money issue it sounds like she's a real cheap one. Meaning money is a very sticky issue unless your paying for everything. I know in my days I spent lots and lots of money on eating out, and gifts and etc, but at some point you have to stop and do something that does not have to do with money.

As far as you talking to your mom about this problem. That is good that you did. She is trying to spare you any hurt and suffering and trying to give you hope in this situation because she knows how much you like this girl.

I am here to tell you now that this girl is always going to be trouble, always going to be emotionally abusive towards you, will always try to change you and put conditions on you. You do not need this, nor should you ever ever change for anybody else. It is not right or fair.

The only person that should change, is you yourself change for yourself and nobody else.

I think you should never have contacted this girl. I do not think you should go out with this girl anymore because all it sounds to me is she is playing games with you.

Now in the end the decision is yours. My advice is stop going out with this girl and stop looking for chanches or worrying so much about what she thinks all the time.

You do not know where she stands. You do not know from time to time how she feels about you and as far as I can see she is using you. It is up to you if you let this continue or not.

So to summerize I think when you first broke up with her it should have been final then. You should not have looked and acted so desperate to have her back by all the phoning and emailing and crying. Although it is good to communicate. When you went through a break and there are good reasons for it. This kind of behaviour from you becomes counter productive.

I hope I did not burst any bubbles and I know it sounds depressive or negative but I am just trying to let you know that in the long run and in the future your better off eventually being with somebody that does not want to change you, but actually likes you for who you are and does not put any conditions on being a friend. Which is not a true friend.

Best of luck no matter what you decide to do.

Joe

I messed up · Mar 16, 2007, 12:14 AM

Thank you Joe. I've been thinking about your response for a few days now. I see truth in your words, however I do disagree at some points. I know deep in my heart that she was a true friend to me, maybe not now, but before the current situation, I can say without a doubt in my mind that she was.

As I am here looking for help, I try to name all the bad points in the relationship. I name them to give the readers incite as to what went wrong. But they are just a part of the relationship, and in my opinion there were certainly much more good parts than bad parts.

She is not a cheap girl. Usually money is not a problem. I caught her at a bad time is all. She is always more than willing to pay her own half (even when we were dating).

You are right, though. You should only change for yourself. And the more I think about it, the changes she wanted to see, are what I want now. I not trying to sound like her pawn. I feel so much better not playing video games. I have more time for my friends, I wake up earlier, I have more time for school, I'm making it to places on time or even early, and I can list more and more. I feel ALIVE. Maybe she wanted me to better myself, maybe she saw video games were ruining my life, or maybe she just wanted me to have more time for her. I'll never know, but regardless, I will continue to be her friend.

On Wednesday, me and her went to dinner. I want to say it was almost surreal. If our relationship was a movie and you started watching just as we walked into the restaurant to when we left the restaurant, you would be confused. You wouldn't be able to tell if it was when we were friends in the beginning, if it was when we were dating, if it was when we were friends after we broke up, or if it was now.

We were both relaxed and comfortable with each other's company. I felt really good at dinner. She even suggested running a few errands afterwards, to have more time to spend together. I wore the cologne I always used to wear around her, and ironically, she wore the perfume she always used to wear around me.

She talked about her boyfriend a few times, but it didn't bother me. I'm not sure if things are progressing in the direction of me becoming a solid friend, or in the direction of us getting back together. And honestly, right now, It doesn't matter. I found happiness in being her friend.

You know the fresh, clean, full of energy feeling you get when you get out of the shower? To me, it feels like our relationship just got out of the shower. Would I like to date her again? Yes, I would, but if she finds happiness in someone else, I'll be there to support her. Would I like to call her now? Yes, but I don't NEED to. I have other friends and family that can keep me occupied. I can wait for her to call me or I can wait a few days, a week to call her.

I think I was such an emotional wreck in the beginning of this thread because it was as if I lost a best friend and a girlfriend. I did a lot of reflecting since the first post. I came across what she wrote in my yearbook a couple days just before I broke up with her. "P.S. Thank you for always being there when I needed you. You're more than a boyfriend to me, you're my best friend." And I know I'm an a**hole for breaking up days after she wrote that and perhaps I don't deserve her again after that, but right now, I'm just looking to be that best friend she spoke of.

I'd like to thank everyone who helped me in this thread, esspecially 77rommis, talaniman, and Joe. Thank you for helping me to see clear, when I felt like I was losing it. You guys (and/or girls) are really great people to help others in need. I'll update again if there are any significant changes, so you guys know how things turn out, or as a reference to people in the same situation. No more nitty gritty details. Thanks again :)

JoeCanada76 · Mar 16, 2007, 04:26 AM

I am glad you had time to think everything over and reflect on things. A lot of times what we write or say is something's that we see in a post, but like you said we do not always see the whole picture or know the whole story. Reading everything here and just reflecting and thinking things through is the best thing you have done. I am glad and happy that is what you did and you came to your own personal conclusions about your situations. Thank you for responding back and best of luck with everything.

Joe

talaniman · Mar 16, 2007, 05:49 AM

She talked about her boyfriend a few times, but it didn't bother me. I'm not sure if things are progressing in the direction of me becoming a solid friend, or in the direction of us getting back together. And honestly, right now, It doesn't matter. I found happiness in being her friend.

If her having a boyfriend doesn't bother you, then you are a friend and it sounds like a good one. Nothing wrong with that. I am glad you backed away from the video games, for a better human balance, but just curious about her b/f and how he takes her seeing her going out with an ex. The bigger question can see see you with a g/f. Good luck, guy and keep us posted.

I messed up · Mar 16, 2007, 08:48 PM

Well, I don't really know her boyfriend. I know he wasn't happy about me and my ex being friends (told this by my ex's friend). If he does have a problem, ultimately, my ex would have to choose between me and him. So it's completely in her hands. All I can do is be a good friend and find out.

I am curious to see what my ex's reaction would be if I got a girlfriend. I really wonder how she would react. But I'm not in a hurry to get into a relationship. I'm just enjoying life with my friends and family for now, but if the opportunity presents itself, we'll find out.

s_cianci · Mar 17, 2007, 09:07 AM

It sounds like this woman has a very fragile personality. Do you really want a chance with her? She really doesn't sound like very viable relationship material. There's better out there. I wouldn't waste my time on this one.

I messed up · Mar 18, 2007, 05:57 PM

Hmm, something I would call a significant change happened. I called her today (Sunday) and I haven't contacted her since we hung out (Wednesday). She really acted like she didn't want to talk. Then after all the small talk, she said "I don't know how you can put up with this". She told me about how whenever she thought about me, she became mad, because it reminded her of all the bad things I've done to her. She said we could never be friends, like we used to be. She acted really detached and wanted to end everything all together. I cried, almost the entire time, telling her I was sorry and all I wanted was to be her friend again.

She always had migranes after we broke up, and she told me that after she moved on, the migranes stopped. She said she didn't like the person she was when we dated. She says she feels much better now. She said that she really likes her boyfriend and he really likes her. She says I don't know her.

I told her that everyday, I feel more and more miserable about the way I treated her. I told her about when she ignored me, that I cried going to sleep and I cried waking up everyday.

In the end of the conversation, she said "I guess we can be friends, if that will make you happy" She said she didn't want to be like me and not give someone another chance. :( She said I have a lot of growing up to do. I asked what was going to happen now. "Should I call you? Are you going to call me? Are we going to hang out again?" She asked me when my good days were and I told her and she said we could hang out not this Tuesday, but next Tuesday. She said "Don't call me, I'll call you, when I figure out someting to do."

I was happy being her friend, but again I am at a loss when she goes and does something like this. I'm not sure if she really wants to get rid of me or if this is just part of her game to make me feel like she did.

Please don't post to just forget about her and move on. She is someone I love more than anything else. When I think about what I did to her, I get extremely angry at myself. I can't just leave things as they are. All I want is her forgiveness.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 18, 2007, 07:22 PM

You did nothing to her. What exactly do you think you did? Come on man, Wake up. Re read my post because I think I was dead on, the advice that I gave you from the start.

REREAD POST # 32.

Joe

I messed up · Mar 18, 2007, 08:12 PM

I think I gave her ideas that we were going to get back together for seven months. And everyday that I didn't, it made her more and more miserable. And what did I do? I played video games...