Ask Me Help Desk - I want to date her again.

I was in high school (12th grade) when I dated a girl from work (3 years older than me) whom I was really good friends with for over a year. I was the happiest person alive when we dated. However towards the end of the relationship, which lasted for about 10 months, she always got extremely emotional at times. Like really mad for little reason. There was also another girl on high school who led me on. The high school girl seemed like she was the better person for me after the current girlfriend would get so upset.

One day, I couldn't take her getting mad at me anymore so I ended the relationship. Turns out the high school girl didn't like me after all. My ex and I were still friends and in about a month or 2 we had sex again. She was such a good friend to me during that time. She was really like my best friend. The jackass that I am was addicted to online games. I always played them, which made me boring on the phone and also made me wake up late or arrive late to plans we made the next day. I see now that I was a horrible friend.

I'm not trying to make excuses but I'm sure you know the pressure college can put on you with homework and stuff. And I also work all the time. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I had a lot of stuff to keep me busy. She seemed OK with the way things were, so I didn't want to create any problems. So I delayed making a clear decision of whether I wanted to go out or not.

The last time me and her hung out was about 3 weeks ago. We went to staples and I bought a new chair for my room. Then we went to Best Buy so she could look for a remote. Anyway when we got to my house she went to my room and I brought the chair in from outside. I asked my dad if he could put it together. Then I went back to my room, and she asked me for the $20 dollars I owed her (I wanted a movie at Best Buy and was broke because of the expensive chair and I told her I'd pay her back when we got home) I went to ask my mom for the $20 and my dad insisted I help him with the chair. It took 10 minutes tops and when I went to get the $20 my mom gave me it was gone! I looked everywhere for it! So I went back to my room and I find my 9 year old brother hinding. TURNS OUT, HE HID MY $20!! I was so mad at him, and she was extremely mad at me for making her wait. So she made me take her home.

I was sort of upset that she made me take her home. I really didn't want to make her wait, but she acts as if I was trying to just ruin her night (or 15 minutes of it) on purpose. So I didn't really try to hang out with her for a week or so. She never asked me to hang out and I didn't ask her either.

Last week, I came around to asking her to hang out. I asked almost everyday. She said she was busy. I asked her for her days off and she told me, but she said she had plans then too. Finally this Monday she says she will go out to eat with me on Wednesday. I was happy about that because it was like she was ignoring me. Then we talked on Tuesday (to plan out Wednesday) and had THIS conversation.

She thinks that the entire time, that I was taking advantage of her and using her just for sex. The last time we talked was Tuesday night, when she told me her feelings. She also thinks the entire time, I was leading her on, that we might date again.

Well I didn't know what to say, I was really upset and crying (this conversation took place when I was driving home from school). When I got home, I spent hours writing her an email about how I felt. I tried calling her and texting her and myspacing her, but I got no responses. On Wednesday, I did the same. She told me in a text message "Now u no how it feels 2 not get another chance, im done w/ this leave me the alone". That hurt really bad and I tried to call/text her again. Then she said "Leave me alone its not an option".

I wasn't using her. I really love her. During the relationship I had with her after we broke up, I was unsure of my feelings. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out with her again or not. I DID know that I didn't want to cut her out of my life. I still liked her. Although I didn't want to go out again and end up breaking up AGAIN either.

It turns out that she has a boyfriend now and she hates me. That killed me. Here I was thinking about going out again and now I'm completely out of the picture for good. I don't know what to do. It seems that I got angry and ignored her for a week and I completely ruined any future I had with her.

I guess I have no chance of being her boyfriend now. If that is the case, I still want to be her friend. I'm not talking about the 'friends' we were after we broke up. If she has a boyfriend, you know I'll respect that.

I kept trying to contact her through her friends and she called my friend to tell me that SHE would call me when SHE was ready to talk.

Do you think I have a chance? :(

Dude.. There's nothing wrong with the way you acted. You were in good faith the entire time and there's nothing wrong with her waiting for you to get the $20 from your brother. Sounds she's got the upper hand and she wants to keep it. Tell you what: I know this is not make sense now and you're not going to like it, but leave her alone and get your upper hand back. If she does not call then she was utterly confused and didn't appreciate what she had with you. There's nothing you can do to convince her. But if she does call, then you guys will be on a level playing field and you will feel much better about your relationship with her. Trust me on this, gone through much of the same myself. Don't bother with her for now..

Thanks for helping amerchan. I read some other posts and it seems that I need to give her the space, there is no question about that. I'm a little concerned with her new boyfriend though. They have been together for a month now and her friends tell me that she's happy. She's been ignoring me for about 9 days now and it has been about 4 days since she told my friend that SHE would call me when SHE was ready to talk. The only thing I can think of, is to try to be her friend again. Then be a really good friend until (hopefully) they break up. Then maybe after a while rekindle the relationship. Also, if I did get to this point, would she even date me again? It's driving me nuts thinking about it. I feel though, that if I ever got her back, I would never let her go again.

What do you guys (and girls) think? One of my friends told me that right now she hates me, and that's better than her not having any feelings at all. So I guess in a messed up way, that's better than nothing.

Today she called me. We decided to forget about the past and just start new. She said basically, we could go out and do pretty much anything, except go to my house obviously. She also started talking about everyday things, like there was never a fight or anything, she even talked to me about her boyfriend. Is this good or bad?

We ended up talking a little bit about the past. It was painful to hear her say she was completely over us (as a couple) and how she had been in the palm of my hands the whole time we were "friends". I felt really sad/bad I neglected her during those times. She says I have the potential to be a good friend. We are going bowling Wednesday, then out to dinner, just me and her.

I feel that I have to regain her trust and be a really good friend to her. Please let me know your opinions. Do you think there would be a future for us together (obviously if and when she breaks up with her current boyfriend).

I talked to my mom a little bit about it. She said that if she was with a new boyfriend and over the old one (when she was young) then she would definitely not go out somewhere with her ex boyfriend. It makes sense to me. Maybe I really do have a chance :D

Honestly, I think she has shut you out. It hurts to hear that, but I really think she is trying to move on. My ex did the same thing, we broke up, she hated me, and that was that. I just left her alone and did my own thing and it helped not seeing her or talking to her, even though I wanted to so bad. Even though you love her, you have to start getting over it because if you wait around she may never come back to you and you'll be hurting even more. She is obviously trying to move on and you probably should try too. I am just finishing up the process that you are just starting. I am sorry, I feel for you, I really do.

If she is trying to shut me out, why are we going to go bowling, then to dinner? Just me and her none the less. Wouldn't that only cause problems for her and her new boyfriend? What if you had a new girlfriend and she told you she was going out with her ex boyfriend, then to dinner? Ugh, I don't know, I guess ill find out Wednesday.

If you are going bowling and out to dinner just you two... I would say that she is trying to keep you around as a security blanket in case things don't work out with her new boyfriend. I mean, she knows she has you in stitches about it (her boyfriend) and she probably knows that you would do anything to get back with her so she is definitely using that to her advantage. Man, my ex did the same thing, I was a security blanket until she figured out she didn't need me anymore, I got played like a damn fiddle and I feel like an idiot but I learned from it. It sounds like the same thing is happening to you. You ask how I would feel if my girlfriend said she was going out with her ex one on one?? I would NOT be cool with it, I would be pissed, especially after such a short time. Hope that helps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by live4livin

If you are going bowling and out to dinner just you two...I would say that she is trying to keep you around as a security blanket in case things don't work out with her new boyfriend. .....

You ask how I would feel if my girlfriend said she was going out with her ex one on one??? I would NOT be cool with it, I would be pissed, especially after such a short time. Hope that helps.

Ok so is she intentionally messing things up with her new boyfriend then? Hmm...

Ok so first of all how long ago did this break up happen? Second of all I am going through the EXACT situation but... on the other end of it, I'm like your ex before you tried to get her back. She is hurting. That's it. The new boy friend is to make you jealous and realize that you are missing out. If you love her like you say you do and if you want to be with her again you need to not give up but stay strong but don't become to accessible. Make her miss you again. You have to understand my ex has tried to come back to me and I gave in just to have him back off again. I just know that if she's anything like me, which I'm sure she is, that she is or was (depending on how long ago it was) going crazy from the pain that you caused her. You have to understand that.

I broke up our 10 month relationship last June. We have been more than friends since then up until about mid-January (about 7 months). (She got her new boyfriend late January). She recently (after ignoring me since mid-January) told me that she had been in the palm of my hands the entire time, just hoping I would ask her out again. She said our relationship had gone downhill, then so did our friendship. Then one day (according to her) she said she was done with this s*** and decided to move on.

I realize I took her for granted that whole time, and I want to do anything to be with her again. I also know that what I'm feeling now (esspecially when she ignored me for a month) is what she felt the entire time after the break-up. Knowing this makes me so sad, I just want to fix things and give her the happiness and attention I should have.

I really do understand where she is coming from with the "eating out of the palm on your hand" and "waiting until you would ask her back out" and that is just how I feel which you have to understand. I feel that if you want to have a chance with her again you need to (on your own, not through friends) meet with her (even if it is in a while because she's still mad at you) and just flat out apologize. No crying, no begging nothing that makes you look weak. The stronger you are, the more honest it sounds. Just tell her that you took her for granted and you messed up, you are not asking for another chance (yet) but you just want her to know that you still are in love with her. Now if you don't mind.. since we are in the same position... ask you a small question. Should I just give up on my ex? He just ended it about three months ago and I've been acting like your ex did (I still want to be with him and blah blah). He still want to hang out and talk but am I just getting messed with?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 77rommis

I feel that if you want to have a chance with her again you need to (on your own, not through friends) meet with her (even if it is in a while because she's still mad at you) and just flat out apologize. No crying, no begging nothing that makes you look weak. The stronger you are, the more honest it sounds. Just tell her that you took her for granted and you messed up, you are not asking for another chance (yet) but you just want her to know that you still are in love with her.

I have been talking to her since last Saturday. I did apologize for many things. I did tell her that I took her for granted. And I did hint to her that I was still in love with her (after all she has a boyfriend, I didn't want to flat out say it).

I don't think she is as mad at me as she was (before last Saturday). After all she did agree to go bowling with me then to dinner. We talked Sat, Sun and Monday. All good conversations. No fighting at all. But one of the times, she did tell me about her boyfriend. She said that he loves her so much that he was afraid to even ask her out. Now is she telling me as her friend or... trying to make me very jealous :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 77rommis

now if you dont mind..since we are in the same position...ask you a small question. Should i just give up on my ex? He just ended it about three months ago and i've been acting like your ex did (i still want to be with him and blah blah). He still want to hang out and talk but am i just getting messed with?

I responded in your topic :)

See because she told you that it would lead me to believe that she still has feelings for you because she wants you to get mad

Well I've never been happier about getting mad :) (if that is the case) lol. I'll post tomorrow night about how our bowling then dinner went.

Also I can't see her current boyfriend being cool with us hanging out like that. So I'm guessing he'll want her to make a choice between me and him (maybe, maybe not) anyway I can't wait until tomorrow

O and another thing I forgot to throw in there is the fact that she and her boyfriend jumped right into dating. Not really jumped but they didn't become good friends before actually dating. I heard that the basis of a good relationship (in most cases) is a good friendship. So that's another thing I'm considering in my favor (since we were good friends for a long time before we dated).

I'd say everything went well tonight. I noticed that in the beginning she kept checking to see if her boyfriend texted her (she said that). Maybe trying to make me jealous? I also found out that they only hang out like 2 maybe 3 times a week, which is nothing compared to how we used to hang out. I'd go for months before there was a day I didn't see her.

Near the end of the night (on the way home) we had a somewhat serious conversation in the car. She tried to hint that my life was so busy because I played video games all the time. I told her that I had stop playing after I had realized that it had messed up my life from playing them too much.

At first she didn't believe, but when we talked about us being friends, she was like, "if you want to be my friend then you'll have to change. Not playing video games is a start. but i won't be the one calling you for a while or asking you to hang out." She said that when we were friends (after break up) that she was the one doing that all the time and I didn't do anything.

I respect that, that she wants me to be the one that works on the friendship, since she said she feels she has done it enough before. I feel that I made a lot of progress since she stopped ignoring me. We had already made plans to hang out again on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I think I'm at the point of being her friend. Now I just have to get to the point where we both call each other asking to hang out. The I just have to wait for the break up.

Well. From my perspective, there are probably a few events that culminated to the current situation to be honest, women get irritable sometimes not as a direct consequence to the problem at hand. In your case it might seem like keeping her waiting for an extra 15 min could have been the causative point but it could be deeper than that, and women been women , they expect you to figure it out, in coclusion , I don't think you would have handled the episode much better than you did
Secondly... on the last and current situation . I will presume two assumptions. One, if she has another boyfriend, and soon after you guys, she is probably hurting and trying to get back at you for whatever wrong you might have done. If it is the make me jelous option , well, you have to take it in
If it is the hurting option, you have to let her heal, the worst part is that she might or is doing it in the hands of some one else
Finally, I think you still have a chance with her, reason? Because she is giving you the big clue... " she will talk when she is ready", that should be your beginning point, when you try to pick things up with her again
When the am "not ready" part, is over and it will be... you can take your chances... for now, give her the space, don't disappear, stay in the horizon, you still have a chance!

Thanks for replying angelica. She said "she would call me when she was ready to talk" when she was completely ignoring me. I gave her space and she called me last Saturday and we have been rebuilding our friendship since then.

Now last night she told me flat out, if you read the above post, that she wants me to be the one to call her and me be the one to make plans. I think that if I ignore her now, she will think I was the same uncaring person I was before. I think I need to be her friend until we are both calling each other, before I think about ignoring her.

She wouldn't be doing all this stuff with me if she really loved her new boyfriend would she? I know right now they are in the happy stage of the relationship (where nothing goes wrong), but when that changes like when they have fights (no relationship is perfect) surely her hanging out with me would be a problem.

A while ago when she first called me, she said she did ignore me because she wanted me to know how she felt... after we broke up and remained friends, she made it clear that she would NOT want to know ANYTHING about a new girlfriend if I got one (which I didn't). I think she is purposely telling me about her new boyfriend because she knows I don't want to know. Which is good I guess because she wants me to be jealous and want her right?

There is no new b/f or else she would be with him and kicked you to the curb. She is training and grooming you to be hers. You must of really PO'd her bad if she is going through all those changes to break you down. Not only is she setting the terms, but the pace things will go also. I sense an older female friend talking to her, and teaching her the ways of woman. Just my feelings.

Thank you Talaniman, I was hoping you would comment on this topic. I'm glad you didn't say I didn't have a chance.

I was at work today, and I was in the back for about 10-15 minutes and then I had to go into another room to get a garbage bag. I saw them in that room! I walked in and said "oh, sorry." then got the garbage bag and proceeded to leave. Her b/f said "why do people keep coming in here?" and then I heard her give him a kiss!

That really messed with my head. Knowing about their relationship is one thing, but actually seeing it!? (yes, by the way we all work at the same place) I played it as cool as possible, like I didn't care. That really got me thinking. Honestly, if you are looking for privacy, wouldn't you stop what you were doing?? I walked in and interupted whatever was going on. The only reasons I can think of her kissing him when I was in there is

1 She REALLY doesn't care about my feelings or

2 She wants to make me REALLY jealous.

Whether she is sending a messege or playing a game, I can't say, but going out with you, and having a b/f at work is puzzling at best. I'd have to backoff and see what happens for a while.