[Goldentetra]

At my husband's bachelor party his best men hired him a stripper. She was completely naked, did lap dances, whipped them with a belt and - the bit that annoyed me most - he licked cream off her nipple. I was disappointed and furious. I believe using sex workers is sexist and objectifying a woman like that disgusting. I also count the licking her as cheating.

I was so upset I asked to see the best men before the wedding so I could basically practice not crying in their presence. Two were "too busy" and one said he didn't want to just meet up but wanted to discuss the issue. When I attempted to explain my position via email he told me to keep my opinions to myself and blocked me. This was exactly why I didn't want to discuss the issue to start with. I didn't think they would value my opinion enough to listen because if they did they wouldn't have made my fiancé cheat on me to start with or hired a woman to do that for their entertainment.

So I said fine, you can't come to the wedding service (only the evening). They decided not to come at all (to my relief).

However, my family went crazy at me and so did my husband's. My husband accepted why they couldn't come, hence why I still went ahead with the wedding. If we hadn't been dating for 7 years and this was the first horrible thing he's done I wouldn't have married him. Nobodies perfect and my brother said he took part under duress. My brother didn't know this was the plan and knew I'd be pissed, he also doesn't agree with this 'tradition'.

We've been married two months and although our relationship has returned to normal but I am still angry. I think about this pretty much all the time. I'm angry my husband didn't have the courage to walk out of the party, I'm angry he didn't realise it was wrong (although he told me straight away when he came back), I'm angry I wasted 7 years of friendship with people who when it came to it couldn't even think about my feelings over their own entertainment for five minutes. I'm angry that my family though social appearance was more important then my feelings on my wedding day. I'm angry that everyone thought I was the bad person in this situation. I was put under a lot of pressure to let them come, I kept saying they could if they could be bothered to meet me up beforehand, how is that unreasonable? I pretty much spent the week leading up to the wedding crying everyday.

How can I stop being so angry? I want to move on with my life!

Please help, I can elaborate on any point but I've tried to keep it brief, thank you.

[smoothy]

Hell, I would have walked out of the wedding as the groom if my fiancée had done that... luckily my now wife.. wasn't that paranoid...

Yes that was too extreme... WAY too extreme... get over it... they didn't have a gang-bang with the stripper.

[Goldentetra]

Hi smoothy, thank you for your reply, I need opinions that differ from my own (hence why I posted!)

However, I don't understand how it is paranoia? It did happen...

[smoothy]

Hi smoothy, thank you for your reply, I need opinions that differ from my own (hence why I posted!)

However, I don't understand how it is paranoia? It did happen...

So? Guys do this all the time... its COMMON to have a stripper at the bachleur party...

So common in fact in my 50 years on the earth, I've known of and attended exactly TWO that didn't have a stripper. And I've been to dozens.

Odds are at some point he might go to a strip club with his friends... even less will happen there .

The point I'm making is big deal... he didn't have sex with her, so its NOT something you really were in a position to make a big deal about...

Lets turn this around for perspective...

If YOUR bridal party had taken you to see male strippers or hired one for a private party would you have gone... and would it be right for him to make the same stink about it if you had?

Its not as common for women to do that but its far from unheard of either.

My wife has attended such bachlorette parties since we were married for a few of her friends. I didn't get upset.

[Goldentetra]

No, I wouldn't have tolerated male strippers, I'd have walked out. I'm actually pretty liberal, anything goes as long as there is consent. I just don't believe you can buy consent.

Strippers for bachelor parties are not actually that common where I live, my husband has never been to a strip club or gone to a stag night with one before. Shooting, extreme driving, pub crawls are more the norm.

I would have tolerated a 'sexy' dance. But licking, physical contact and her touching herself on the floor... too much. It wasn't a strip club but someone's house.

Just because something is common, doesn't make it right.

Also irrespective of whether I was 'right' to be upset, I was. All I asked was to see them beforehand so that I would burst into tears as I walked down the aisle. I don't understand how this was too much to ask.

Thanks for chatting, this is helping me :)

[Goldentetra]

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be all right?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool etc. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?

[smoothy]

No, I wouldn't have tolerated male strippers, I'd have walked out. I'm actually pretty liberal, anything goes as long as there is consent. I just don't believe you can buy consent.

Strippers for bachelor parties are not actually that common where I live, my husband has never been to a strip club or gone to a stag night with one before. Shooting, extreme driving, pub crawls are more the norm.

I would have tolerated a 'sexy' dance. But licking, physical contact and her touching herself on the floor...too much. It wasn't a strip club but someone's house.

Just because something is common, doesn't make it right.

Also irrespective of whether I was 'right' to be upset, I was. All I asked was to see them beforehand so that I would burst into tears as I walked down the aisle. I don't understand how this was too much to ask.

Thanks for chatting, this is helping me :)

This is just a guess since I didn't know them... but I think its obvious they knew you were upset and they decided they weren't going to listen to it... even if it meant bailing out of the wedding because it really is a lot of work and effort for them and they weren't going to do it if they thought you were going to give them attitude.

And given they would have taken time out of their life to go over and have you start an argument (or even thought you would) so they just stayed home had a beer and watched the game... even if they lost their tux rental fees... they took the more pleasant route because you made them feel their attendance wasn't appreciated.


I'm guessing because I wasn't there... but judging from what you have described so far... I'm thinking what would have been going through their minds at that moment and why they bailed.

[smoothy]

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be alright?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool ect. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?

That's actually not at all related in any way shape or form. Because the strippers are the ones who have all the control in this situation... not the guys.

[Wondergirl]

Strippers aren't slaves. This is their business and livelihood. Not the same at all.

[Goldentetra]

Wondergirl I agree, but if you had someone pretending to be a slave, as their livelihood. Would people hiring them be considered racist?

Strippers are people who deserve respect, they have a tough and often dangerous job. I hope the women they hired was doing it our of choice because she liked her job.

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl I agree, but if you had someone pretending to be a slave, as their livelihood. Would people hiring them be considered racist?

No.

Strippers are people who deserve respect, they have a tough and often dangerous job. I hope the women they hired was doing it our of choice because she liked her job.

You are obsessing over this. Not good for your own mental and physical health and for your marriage. Do you plan to resurrect this topic every time the two of you have an argument?

[Homegirl 50]

I think you behaved childishly. Your husband and his friends are grown men. What right would you have had to chastise them like little boys?
You ruined the wedding for your husband and his family and probably embarrassed him.
You chose to marry him any way so get over it!
I hope you don't plan on running your marriage this way, treating your husband like a child.

[Goldentetra]

Smoothy:

No tux hire (no tuxes here at all!), I was paying for anything they needed. Here it is the custom to supply everything for the groomsmen and bridesmaids so that they are not out of pocket.

I told them we didn't have to talk about it and that I didn't want to either. I'm glad they bailed though.

I really do appreciate the comments, it is easier over a computer.

[Homegirl 50]

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be alright?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool ect. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?

That is a ridiculous analogy. These woman are paid to do this, it is their job and many of them love what they do.
What right do you have to dictate what kind of party your husband's friends want to give him? Do you run everything in his life?

[smoothy]

Smoothy:

No tux hire (no tuxes here at all!), I was paying for anything they needed. Here it is the custom to supply everything for the groomsmen and bridesmaids so that they are not out of pocket.

I told them we didn't have to talk about it and that I didn't want to either. I'm glad they bailed though.

I really do appreciate the comments, it is easier over a computer.

What country are we talking about anyway. I do spend enough time in another country other than my home that I actually do have people that have been some of my closest friends for 25 years there ai speak with regularly. And I have a apartment and maintain several vehicles there.

So I do have more than the perspective of a single culture behind my line of thought.

[Goldentetra]

I really, really want to get over it. How?

I am obsessing, I am obsessive...

I don't want it to ruin my marriage, we've had over 7 wonderful years together. We very rarely argue, we talk a lot and we are both avoiders (which we are both working on).

I don't want to be this person.

He acted so out of character that it truly shocked me (I'm sheltered) and made me wonder who was I marrying.

I think it would have embarrassed everyone more if I had burst out crying at the sight of the best men (my fear).

[Wondergirl]

This happened ONCE. If he did this every weekend and twice on Christmas Day, I'd be worried. But ONCE, only ONCE! And you are perfect?

[Goldentetra]

What right do you have to dictate what kind of party your husband's friends want to give him? Do you run everything in his life?

Yay just worked out how to reply :)

I can't dictate his parties but I thought it was usual to expect fidelity on ones life partner providing an open relationship had not been previously arranged.

He actually runs most of my life!

[Wondergirl]

He wasn't unfaithful.

[smoothy]

What country was this in... it helps if we know that so we know the culture you are both from.