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joypulv · Sep 3, 2012, 04:39 PM

You don't see how we might wonder how it is she has a 5 year old during your 8 year relationship?
I had (at the very beginning of this thread) a sense tingling of my own, a sense of a certain cluelessness and avoidance, and now this.
I don't want to be mean but I'm wondering if you are a meal ticket. You just casually let her 'have your car' - how many cars do you have (again that sense tingling - how do you get around)? How many expensive trips were you taking her on and spending, day to day?

JudyKayTee · Sep 3, 2012, 05:44 PM

Originally Posted by Ikidiabai

I am 44 years old.i only drink occasionally when we go out together.but what I don't understand is , is this really a reason to break up with someone you love and had been together with for a long time? It seems that we break up every other month and it's usually her that initiates the breakup and she's the one that gets back when I start no contact.

Your idea/version of "occasionally" is obviously not her idea of "occasonally."

Yes, I would break up with someone who has a problem with alcohol and, in fact, I have in the past.

Ikidiabai · Sep 3, 2012, 05:47 PM

I have two cars so I let her have one. When I get drunk I am usually with her and she is drinking too. Me and her started going out while she was married. That's how she has a five year old

JudyKayTee · Sep 3, 2012, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by Ikidiabai

I have two cars so I let her have one. When I get drunk I am usually with her and she is drinking too. Me and her started going out while she was married. That's how she has a five year old

I see "disaster" right from the beginning.

This relationship is to rocky for a child to experience.

What are the benefits to you? It sounds like she takes, you give, she calls the shots.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 3, 2012, 06:31 PM

The whole thing is funky. You mess with a married woman, one who gets pregnant by her husband and you are close to her kids. Why have you hung around for so long in such dysfunction?
If you care about these kids, you stop drinking and try to salvage a relationship with this woman or you leave her and her children to themselves.
She has been foolish but you have played this game too. You both are messed up.

Ikidiabai · Sep 3, 2012, 09:53 PM

Now my question is, do I take my car right away or not? I feel that if she keeps using my car, it's the same as her knowing that I am there waiting for her to come back. She has 4 kids to feed with no car of her own. And could someone answer me, should I stop taking calls from her kids or not?

joypulv · Sep 4, 2012, 02:42 AM

How can we possibly answer this without the knowledge only you have? If the father of her children gives her enough child support, let her buy the car from you. If she struggles financially and you don't, sign the title over to her, take your plates back, and make her get her own insurance. You don't want her (or a teen of hers) getting into an accident or getting a ticket.
As for calls from 2 kids, I would tell the 5 year old that you will cut him or her down to one call a week each for the next 4 weeks, and then it's over, based on the fact that you have to sever all ties. The 18 year old can understand the need now. I'm not so sure that this isn't all a set up by their mom to keep you around for the car...
I still have a feeling that you are just a meal ticket...
And how does she suddenly have 4 kids? How old are the other 2? Older than 8 but under 18?

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 05:34 AM

Originally Posted by Ikidiabai

Now my question is, do I take my car right away or not? I feel that if she keeps using my car, it's the same as her knowing that I am there waiting for her to come back. She has 4 kids to feed with no car of her own. And could someone answer me, should I stop taking calls from her kids or not?

I agree - how can we possibly answer this. If you want an emotional tie to her continue allowing her to use your car, take calls from her children.

If you don't, walk away.

I'm assuming you're an adult - act like one.

Ikidiabai · Sep 4, 2012, 06:48 AM

Thanks people. She had all the kids with her ex husband whom she kicked out . Ages range from 5 to 18.I will absolutely take the car in two weeks that way I give her a chance to get something else.I am starting graduate school this week and I will need a fresh mind. I do miss her based on the fact that we were together for so long but am sure I will recover. I will not break 'No Contact' for any reason whatsoever. I know eventually I will be fine.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2012, 08:01 AM

If you refused to marry her because of her temper, you should have let her go and stay gone. Yet you stayed in this for 8 years. You were obviously getting something from this too.
Let her have the car. If you can be mature enough to talk to the kids without getting involved with her again, with her permission do so. If not, leave them all alone.
Adults can make such a mess of things!

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If you refused to marry her because of her temper, you should have let her go and stay gone. Yet you stayed in this for 8 years. You were obviously getting something from this too.
Let her have the car. If you can be mature enough to talk to the kids without getting involved with her again, with her permission do so. If not, leave them all alone.
Adults can make such a mess of things!

Once in a while we have to disagree - it keeps life interesting.

I think the car is a means OP uses to control the girlfriend. He takes the car back. He talks to the children only if it's neutral territory - and I doubt that can happen.

Would I think he buys her a car in her own name and then it's hers to deal with? Yes.

But this car - I think he's using it to control her.

Ikidiabai · Sep 4, 2012, 08:20 AM

Thank you Homegirl. I will let her have the car. That's the car that gets her to work and she's able to provide for the kids.I stayed that long because the romance part of it was excellent. We both enjoyed it. And this is the reason I miss her so much. This time around I won't take her back though. As for the kids, I know for sure I can talk with the 17 year old without involving the mother but the 5 year old gets do excited and will be involving the mother. By the way, the 18 year old had left the house 3 times because of the morher's temper and I had to talk to her for her to go back home

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2012, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Once in a while we have to disagree - it keeps life interesting.

I think the car is a means OP uses to control the girlfriend. He takes the car back. He talks to the children only if it's neutral territory - and I doubt that can happen.

Would I think he buys her a car in her own name and then it's hers to deal with? Yes.

But this car - I think he's using it to control her.

I don't disagree with you at all on this.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2012, 08:26 AM

Transfer the car and put it in her name. This way it is hers. That is what you ought to do.

Ikidiabai · Sep 4, 2012, 09:49 AM

I am not using the car to control her. I have asked her many times to get her own car so I could have my car back. I even took her to the dealership and they approved her for a car but she didn't take it. I have never controlled get and it's not my wish to. The only reason letting her have the car was to help her so she can take care of her kids. I have helped her in many things including financial, helping her secure loans and so forth

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by Ikidiabai

I am not using the car to control her. I have asked her many times to get her own car so I could have my car back. I even took her to the dealership and they approved her for a car but she didn't take it. I have never controlled get and it's not my wish to. The only reason letting her have the car was to help her so she can take care of her kids. I have helped her in many things including financial, helping her secure loans and so forth

Fine, then that's the best answer - sign it over to her.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2012, 06:14 PM

You should have signed the darn thing over a long time ago.

Alty · Sep 4, 2012, 06:22 PM

I'm not going to be as nice.

Sign over the car and stop making excuses to hang on to her!

Do you realize that even though you said you were ready to accept that this relationship is over and a bad idea, you keep making excuses to hold on to it? The car. The kids. What else?

Sign the car over to her, forget about the kids because they're not yours and you only want contact with them because of her, and then move on. If you can't do that then forget that you realized this relationship is doomed and go back for more abuse. You can't have it both ways. Either leave completely, or stay and accept it. Choose one, there is no third option!

Ikidiabai · Sep 4, 2012, 07:12 PM

Today I cut contact with the kids and I signed the title and mailed it to get. This should be the end. I don't expect any further communication from her. You guys have been very helpful especially in helping me comd up with a smart decision. When people break up, there are all kinds of emotions going on that can lead to wrong decisions. That's why we need sites like this.

Alty · Sep 4, 2012, 08:01 PM

Breaking up is never easy, if it where they wouldn't call it heartache. You made the right choice, and I hope you continue to make the right choices so that you can move on with your life, and let her move on with hers.